Schratcherbach, the Second!

'Well, Sir, sirs, my Lady, and my lady', comments Rumpfler, looking at the report of the Battle of Schratcherbach, 'the opening moves of this encounter should place no great strain on the servants'. He directs a gardener to set some fires in front of the Rotenburg artillery (below).

'It would seem that the Rotenburg army settled in to a prolonged cannonade of the Bachscuttel postion', he says.

'Really?' says Colonel Fitzbuttress. 'Why? Were they short of smoke? Did they need some loud noises to keep them awake? Surely', and here he shrugs incredulously, 'they can't have thought that it would do any damage to the enemy?'

Rumpfler nods. 'In fairness, it would seem that the Rotenburg plan was to spend time accumulating the stratagems necessary to maximise the chances of success in their assault'.

'It is a most valid approach', says Faltaire. 'For by doing so one can accumulate many important advantages'.

'Quite so, says Rumpfler. 'One can never create enough opportunities to inflict confusion upon the enemy, or to help them to discover that there is something out there that was not on their map. In any case, our floppy Bachsuttel ally, General Barry-Eylund, exhibited his usual dynamism by sitting passively on the defensive. For a good while, apparently, the battle consisted of nothing more than an exchange of artillery fire' (below).

'Surely', says the Burgravina pointing at the woods, 'Barry-Eylund could put the Bachscuttel irregulars to some use?'

'Aha ha ha ha ha ha!' guffaws Rumpfler, before, having caught the Burgrave's eye, he turns his laughing into a polite cough. 'How like the gentler sex to see the best in dumb animals. No, my Lady, the irregulars are in the woods mainly to keep the badgers away. Even Barry-Eylund wouldn't waste his time trying to manoeuvre them'.

Rumpfler dries his eyes. 'In any case, as it turned out, the Bachscuttel gunners were rather more effective than anyone could have supposed, inflicting some disorder on two of the Rotenburg regiments'.  Rumpfler begins giving a stream of orders to the gardeners. (Below) The servants begin pushing forwards the Rotenburg infantry - the attack has commenced. Rumpfler gestures to the serried ranks. 'Behold! Clearly having acquired whatever strategies were deemed necessary, the Rotenburgers then commenced a vigorous forward movement!' 

The Rotenburgers are pushed closer and closer to the Bachscuttel line.

'Oooh, look at all your little men!' says the Burgravina.
Rumpfler winces. 'Madame, these are not "little men". The are finely crafted military miniatures!'

'Of men', says the Burgravina, 'rendered little. And, to be fair general - you do use them to play games do you not?'

'Serious games! Contests! Intense clashes of will and intellect! Competitions with intellectual heft!'

'Speaking of heft', says the Burgrave, interrupting, 'look at the size of those!'. 

 (Above) 'What large dice', says Colonel Fitzbuttress. 'That must make them quite difficult to roll'.
'Yes, colonel - that is undeniably true', says Faltaire. 'But we found it preferable to provide these. Otherwise, participants in our games of war had a tendency to bring their own dice, as well as a variety of excuses as to why those dice tended to produce so many sixes. Also, at least with these dice one has to give them a mighty hurl in order to roll them. With ordinary dice, our fellows seemed when it came to dice to define the word 'roll' as 'to slide'; or 'to drop'; or 'to gently tip'; or even 'to shout "look over there" whilst placing them'.
'I wager that this big pair would require a mighty toss', 

'Where's a Fenwickian when you need him', whispers Rumpfler.

'And so', says the general more loudly, 'the attacking Rotenburgers reached musket range!' (Above) He casts his eyes over the report. 'And what a surprise faced General Barry-Eylund. For, just as his troops were levelling their muskets for a devastating volley, the attacking forces stole first fire!'

'Hurrah!' says Faltaire.

'To be fair', says the Burgrave, 'the Rotenburgers are our enemies. Although', he continues, 'I can't help feeling that with an ally like Bachscuttel, who needs enemies?'

'Well', says Rumpfler, 'things were rather disappointing for the Rotenburgers. What with the sudden appearance of some thick smoke, their first fire had little effect. Instead, the combat devolved into an extended exchange of musktry. The Rotenburg advantage in their 'lethal volley' doctrine was counterbalanced by canister from the defending emplaced artillery'.

'Boo!' says Faltaire.

'Indeed', says Rumpfler. 'Worse, on the Rotenburg right, their troops faced superior firepower. Musketry and canister poured into the units there, and first one unit, and then another, were routed! Soon, the third line had become the first line.' (Above)

(Below) 'Desperately', says Rumpfler, 'the Rotenburgers continued firing, hoping for a breakthrough. And then, Fate smiled upon them; or at least, gave them them a playful lick on the nose! Barry-Eylund's attempts at rallying fell flat, leaving the centre two of his frontline units in significant disorder! Moreover, the Rotenburgers had in their arsenal 'For the King!', a stratagem that would temporarily throw off all of their own disorders! "What should be done?" the Rotenburg general no doubt asked himself?'

'Totes obvs', says Fitzbuttress, nodding his head.
The others look at him.
'Is that Latin?' asks the Burgrave.
'Oh no, sir: no indeed not', replies the colonel. 'Rather, it is a phrase used by many of the young in England to denote that something is quite obvious or self-evident. It is vernacular. It has had long use I am led to believe and no doubt has its roots in certain works of English literature that I am not wholly knowledgeable of''.
'Is it from Shakespeare, perhaps' asks Faltaire.
'Oh, no', laughs the colonel, 'no, no, no. Christopher Marlowe, probably. Anyway, I should think that the situation here presents a perfect opportunity for a bayonet charge!'

'Or some coffee and a sit down', says the Burgravina.