Rampant Inflation!

'Where did you get this pigeon?' asks Radu Pasha, stopping in another corner of the chamber. 'It looks very odd'. In front of the pasha, something that looks not unlike a tiny red winged lizard perches on a stand, chirping.

'It's an odd story, pasha', replies Sihirbaz. 'I was with some steppe nomads, and there was a fire at their temple: unsurprising, I suppose. given their lax approach to health and safety. The whole giant building and almost everyone in it went up like a torch! And then this young lady came out of the fire. And she was absolutely starkers'.
'What, no clothes at all?'
'Not a stitch. But she did have three of these lizard things on her shoulders'.
'Did she say anything?'
'It was odd, Radu Pasha. One might have expected that she would say something like: "Help! Fire!"; or "Blimey, I seem to be completely starkers - has anyone got a coat I can borrow?" But she started instead to blather on about being the "Mother of Dragons" or something'.
'Really? So what did you do?'
'Well, I got her to give me one of the lizards'.
'Got her to give you one?'
'Yes - I threw my coat over her head, stole one, and then ran off'.
'You have a very liberal view, Sihirbaz, of the meaning of the term "give"'.

Radu Pasha suddenly sees something on a nearby table. 'Well', he says, 'what's this?' pointing to a publication. 'Big Balloons, eh - I thought that you were uninterested in such technologies'.
'I don't think ...' starts Sihirbaz, quickly trying to reach the table.
'Hang on', says Radu in alarm, turning some of the pages. 'The ladies in these woodcuts don't seem to be interacting with any emerging flight technologies; although ... there is a certain amount of inflation on show ...'.
The scientist pulls the publication from Radu's hands and pushes another into them.

'Ah, now this seems more ... scientifically relevant', says Radu, though with a wistful look at the previous publication that Sihirbaz has now hidden away down his trousers. Radu examines the new tome.
'Why, this seems to be a pamphlet detailing how one might construct a giant balloon that can be lifted by the heating of air!' says Radu with enthusiasm.

'Yes, all nonsense though', replies the scientist. 'You must have heard of the early experiments?'

'Didn't they try and inflate some pigs?'

'Yes - and there was a terrible accident - the Hamstein incident'.

Radu leafs through more of the pages. 'But this seems very credible work. Where did you get it from?'

'I once met a French fellow by the name of Montgolfier. He had his experiments documented in pamphlets such as these. I think he intended to pass them on to his sons'.

'How did you get this from Montgolfier?'

'He have it to me'.

'He gave it ... oh, I see, Sihirbaz Pasha. You really must go through a lot of coats in your research. Hmmm, I think I know who might appreciate this document. I shall keep it'.

I, Bob!

'Well', says Radu Pasha, 'this is a cosy office space'. He stands with Sihirbaz Pasha, Zenta's scientist, in a room deep within the bowels of Hospodar Casimir's palace. "Bowels" is a very apt description given the state of the place. It is a dank, noisome chamber crowded with disconcerting oddities. 

There is a strange pool, fizzing, yet glutinous, exuding a pale green light. From it drifts a smell of ozone and haddock. In the middle, an arm protrudes, reaching forwards, groping as if it is seeking something - or someone.
Radu Pasha pauses, staring at the pool suspiciously. 'What's this?' he asks, trying not to get too close.
'What? Oh, that - it's really nothing', replies Sihirbaz airily. 'Nothing at all. Nothing to see'.
Radu peers more closely. 'Is there a room under this floor - a secret chamber perhaps? Because it looks like whoever that arm belongs to is trying to break through the surface of that ... pool or whatever, in order to enter this room. Or this dimension'.

The scientist tries to make light of things. 'Oh him? He's just my ... ah, neighbour ... who, ah ... is annoyed because he thinks that I play my musical instruments too loudly and it ...ah ... keeps him awake. He works nights - or at least, in the dark'.
Radu frowns. 'You haven't been doing something that you shouldn't have you, scientist pasha?' he says slowly. 'You haven't been delving into dark tomes full of forbidden knowledge, dreadful spells, and unspeakable horrors have you?'

'Oh no, no, no, no, no', says Sirhirbaz earnestly. 'No, no, no! The hospodar was very clear that I should stop doing that sort of thing'.

'Yes', nods Radu. 'Because there was that business with the tentacled thing ...'

'Just a large octopus, Radu Pasha - it could have happened to anyone'.

'And the virgins ...'

'They were not as advertised, pasha - I can't be blamed for that one ...'
As the two of them turn, the hand in the pool clenches its fist and then extends a middle finger.

'Now, what's this?' says Radu, pointing at what appears to be a very large shiny suit of armour.

'Ah!' says Sihirbaz enthusiastically. 'Now, this is my latest creation! It is a mechanical person: see, it moves and talks!'

'It's really hot in here' says a hollow voice from within the metal body. 'Master, help me up ...' One of the arms flails wildly.

'Amazing!' cries Radu. 'And this creation is entirely of a mechanical nature?'

'Well' says the scientist. 'Not wholly'.

'Not wholly?'

'Hello?' repeats the hollow voice. A metal leg waggles feebly. 'It's so hot in here. And this metal is so heavy'.

Radu raises an eyebrow. 'So, there is a person inside the metal suit?'

'At the moment, yes!' says Sihirbaz enthusiastically. 'But this is the first step towards the creation of a revolutionary clockwork servitor! I call it a "Robert"'.

'A Robert?'

'Yes, because the fellow inside is Bob, my apprentice'.

Radu Pasha nods slowly, considering this. 'So, you are close, then, to replacing ...Bob ... with an entirely mechanical system for the production of thought and movement?'

'No, not really', admits Sihirbaz. 'But the most difficult part of the project always seemed to me to be creating the armoured carapace. A few more weeks should sort out everything else'.

Radu gestures. 'But ... isn't an armoured carapace that has a human inside just a suit of armour?'

The scientist considers this. The silence extends just long enough that even Radu Pasha, a man who is a routine witness to the barbarous violence that constitutes the standard exercise of governance in the Sanjak of Zenta, begins to feel slightly embarrassed.

'I've got so much else to show you!' says Sihirbaz finally.

Scientific Practice!

In the harem of Hospodar Casimir's palace in Zenta, Radu Pasha is busy with important administrative tasks. As this is the last Thursday of the month, Radu is engaged in holding to account those of the Hospodar's servants who have failed to deliver according to Casimir's expectations. In previous years, this activity tended to be referred to as a 'Question and Torture Session'; but, as Casimir has embraced the new Enlightenment spirit of rational inquiry, they are now designated as a 'Performance Development Review'. Radu has with him Hashmi Agha, Casimir's Equality and Diversity Officer. Hashmi is here to support those being investigated - this support is often necessary because, having been knee-capped, many of them wouldn't be able to remain standing without him holding them up. 

In front of Radu is Sihirbaz Agha. Sihirbaz was recently employed by the Hospodar as something called a "scientist", the first time that such a role had been created in the Sanjak. In the past the furthest that the Sanjak had progressed in the application of the Scientific Method was through such "burning" questions as "which of these hot instruments hurts more? Let's find out".

Sihirbaz, however, has not performed to the Hospodar's requirements. Despite the very best references from the Naffdorf Academy of Alchemie and Whytchcrafte, Sihirbaz's research solutions to the technical problems of governance still favour more traditional methodologies such as toads, curses, and human sacrifice. Whilst the Hospodar is not so closed-minded as to reject entirely these traditional approaches (human sacrifice necessarily forming part of a balanced portfolio of solutions in any efficiency minded organisation), Casimir had hoped that employing a "scientist" would introduce more evidence-based analysis into the Sanjak's bureaucratic practises, as well as saving the lives of many innocent toads.

Radu sighs. 'To be honest, Sihirbaz Pasha, when we employed you, what we wanted was someone who could help kickstart the Sanjak's technical development. Someone who was familiar with research into Emerging Technologies such as steam and hot air balloons'.
'I had a great idea for a cold air balloon', interjects Sihirbaz. 'But it never took off', he admits.

Radu points at the scientist's feet.

'What's that under your feet? That's not an arcane pentacle is it, burning with the dark fires of the very blackest of magics?'

'What, this?' replies Sihirbaz looking down. 'Oh no - nothing like that. I was employed on the priviso that I stopped doing that sort of thing. It's probably just some, ah, rhubarb'.

'Rhubarb? I'm not sure ...'

'So anyway', continues the scientist quickly. 'I think it's important that I report on all of the many very clever and important things that I have been doing over the past month'.

'Such as juggling rhubarb?' continues Radu Pasha, raising an eyebrow.

'Not just that, your eminence, but a whole variety of other things ...'

'Well, then' says Radu. 'Why don't you take me to your laboratory and show me?'

Ehrwig, the Final!

'No, not really sir', admits the officer. 'But I thought that you needed cheering up'.
'Bugger', says Saxe-Peste.

(Below) The remaining Rotenburg infantry destroys the charging regiment of  Fenwickians. However, the supporting enemy infantry close in and begin volley fire. Saxe-Peste's only remaining option is to drink more brandy in the hope that he can multiply his existing forces by seeing double.

(Below) The results are predictable: outnumbered two to one, the last of the Rotenburg foot on this wing are broken by enemy fire. The general becomes tired and emotional, not least because, with the rout of his last infantry regiment in this portion of the field of battle, Saxe-Peste now constitutes the whole of the Rotenburg infantry line here. Alas for the Landgravate's forces, all of the units that have routed on the right seem to have been very popular fellows, and so, as this last unit disintegrates, the morale of the Rotenburg army finally collapses!

(Below) As the battle ends, all that remains of the Rotenburg right wing are the two surviving cavalry regiments, the general, and his barrel of booze. 

On the other flank, nothing at all has happened for the entire battle! (Below) The Rotenburg troops positioned there spend the battle playing word games (which doesn't take them much time at all), and scratching their sores (which does). Eventually, the distressing sounds of the appalling defeat unfolding on their other flank induces these troops to make a discrete exit from the battlefield. 

Their morale broken, the Rotenburg army streams from the field. Marshal Cavendish has won a major victory for the imperial cause! It is a dismal outcome for Saxe-Peste. Four infantry regiments, and one of cavalry, have been broken, and his barrel of brandy is also empty. On the Fenwickian side, their regiment of mercenaries has been broken - but nobody cares about them. Two infantry and one cavalry regiments have also been lost; but one of the remaining cavalry regiments has gained sufficient experience for it to be promoted to Elite. None of the notables on either side leave: Sir Thomas Burgess, for example, is induced to remain in imperial service with the gift of a small pot plant and a promise not to publish the eye-witness accounts of his nocturnal teenage frolics with an under-age bonsai tree. Sensibly, no additional notables decide to join either of the belligerents.

Having defeated the Rotenburgers, Fenwick is now in full control of the Bishopric of Schrote, and the imperial troops have further burnished their reputation as the 'Spartans of Mittelheim'! Arroo!