A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Cathedral, the Second!

 Ziegler's force crouches in a patch of woodland, scanning the darkness. There are several groups of enemy sentries. Choosing an approach route that minimises the number of sentries that might see them, the colonel decides that his best bet is to make a dash from his position to another area of woods directly ahead. The perfect moment never seems to arrive however, with enemy sentinels turning this way and that, constantly on alert. Finally, with time, unlike his troops, marching on, Ziegler decides it's time to rely again on Fraulein Karlotte. 

(Above) Karlotte disappears into the darkness. Ziegler waits nervously, flicking Gefreiter Schultz when the latter fiddles too hard with his horn. Karlotte crosses to the sentries. However, things do not go as planned. 

'Halt! Who goes there!' cries one of the sentries.

'T'is only I, a winsome milkmaid who has lost her cow, and wants nothing more than to pump some udders'.

'Approach and be recognised!' cries the Gelderlander.

Karlotte appears. 'Do not shoot sirs! I am without my cow what has got lost a little way over there'. She points vaguely into the dark. 'Will you not come and  help me? You can watch me milk him'.

The sentry thinks about this for one one-thousandth of a second before saying 'Right on! Lead the way!'

'By no means!' cries the second sentry, pointing his musket at the milkmaid. 'For this is no lost maiden! This is a spy!'

'No!' says his compatriot incredulously. 'Say it isn't so!'

'It isn't so?' replies Karlotte.

'Indeed it is so!' replies the suspicious sentry. 'For no real milkmaid would ever milk a "him". That would be quite fruitless. And also, rather perverse'.

'But', says his compatriot protesting, 'look at the size of that bucket. Such a commodious appliance surely could  belong only to an experienced milk extraction professional'.

'No, no, no! Self-evidently, this is an English spy, no doubt in league with the Nabstrians'.
'An English spy?'
'It's too obvious. Women's clothing; weak double entendres; it's a plain as a metal tool for smoothing wood that this is no German milkmaid! By the familiarity that they display with the wearing of ladies' garments, I should think that this is an English marine or guards officer. Look at the beard!'

'That's her nose'.

'Let us not quibble! We should probably shoot her, but I have determined instead that we - or rather you - will take her instead to headquarters for interrogation'. 

The two  begin trudging into Schrote.

Karlotte, however, is a professional. She stops, trying apparently to take out a kerchief to blow her beard. 'Can you carry my bucket?' she says to her guard.

'Of course, of course', he nods.

'Here', she says, 'and I can hold your musket for you if that makes things easier'.

'Thank you miss, that would make things easier. Here you go'.

The soldier then stops. 'Oh', he says, noticing that he is now armed with a bucket, and his prisoner is now armed with a musket. 'Hang on ...'

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Cathedral, the First!

On the perimeter of Schrote, two Gelderland sentries peer out into the gloom. To the southwest, the campfires of the enemy can be seen. Here, though, all seems peaceful. Suddenly, there is a noise to the front!

'Halt!' cry the sentries. 'Halt, or we'll shoot!'

A figure emerges from the dark. Why, it is no enemy raiding party but instead a winsome milkmaid!  

'Hello', replies the comely wench. 'It's my cow. It's just broken down back over there. I wonder if you two kind gentlemen could come with me and help fix it'.
One of the guards frowns. 'But we're on guard, young lass, and we're not supposed to leave here, on pain of some really quite vigorous punishment'.
'Hmmm', says the maid. 'If you help fix my cow, I'll let you watch me milk it'.
The sentries look at one another.
'Can we touch your bucket? ' says one.

'You don’t often see one as capacious as that', says the other.

'Help me with my cow and you can handle my bucket as much as you like', says the girl.

'We're in!' reply the two soldiers, in unison. 'What could go wrong?'

'What sort of cow is it?' says one of the sentries as they walk carefully in the dark.
'It's Frisian', says the maid.
'Well, that's your first problem, miss. Very unreliable they are. And getting parts - well, you just can't get the bells for them these days. Now, a lass like you is better off with a Simmental: smaller, easier to manoeuvre, and much more economical with the hay'.

The maid suddenly stops and faces the two.

'What's going on?' the sentries ask.

'You're going to get bonked', replies the girl.

'This evening just gets better and better!' reply the soldiers, enthusiastically.

At which point, Colonel Ziegler and Gefreiter Schultz, who have silently crept up behind, bonk the two unfortunate fellows over the head, rendering them unconscious.

'Excellent', whispers Ziegler. 'Well done Fraulein Karlotte. Stage one complete. Schulz, what's that I see?'

'I’ve got the horn, sir'.
'Well', says Ziegler, eyeing Karlotte, 'you’re only human. You don’t see a bucket like that every day'.
'No sir, The horn - I brought it. Just in case'.
Ziegler snorts. 'Did you envisage many circumstances, on a secret mission in which silence and stealth are critical, that would require you to blow a hunting horn?'
'I just thought it might be useful'.
'How?'
'Well, we might need to distract the guards, sir'.
'Distract them from guarding, you mean, by getting them to chase and shoot us?'
'Well no I …'
'If you’d warned me, Schulz, I’d have brought my cello. We could have played something. Because nothing says ‘we’re on a secret mission’ like giving the guards a really spirited rendition of Mozart’s Sonata in A Major'.

Schulz sighs, crestfallen.

'Now', says Ziegler, with energy, 'let's get the rest of the force up and push on towards the cathedral! I have a great feeling about this operation'.

Day One: 5.30pm!

By 5pm, darkness has fallen, a condition which improves considerably the look of Schrote. Fires, started by the enemy bombardment, illuminate portions of the town.

Conforming to usual Mittelheim military protocols relating to operational security, camouflage, and surprise, the cathedral is lit up like a Christmas tree. Not a very good tree, to be fair, but certainly one lit well enough to say to anyone within a considerable distance: 'Here, if you hadn't already seen it - is a Christmas tree: fire at will'.

Ziegler's Headquarters: Day One, 5pm

Toplitz-Hande’s troops have marched off into the gathering night. The enemy artillery opened fire for a while, and had the range until the darkness was too deep for them to see the target.

Under Kugel's artillery attack, the red houses on the hill are reduced to ruins, and the hill is now wreathed in fire, illuminating the area around it.

With his jager ready, Ziegler uses the darkness to begin his journey around to Colonel Goethe-Nockenshoppes’ positions, thence to swing around and cross the Hanau-Brancau road. He will be in position to move his force into the town, taking into account the darkness, by 5.30pm.

The elite strike force assembled for this evening's raid comprises

Zeigler himself, who is Lucky and a Flashing Blade – once per game, if he is technically killed, he may return to the table immediately within 6”; he adds an extra swordmanship die for the first two rounds of any duel.

Capt Hugo Von Stumpe (on attachment) – thanks to many days spent trying to avoid being collared for staff work, he is a Master of Disguise and has +2 for related reaction roles.

Sergeant Rabin Steiner: Marksman – uses the Marksman row on the firing table and doubles any shock that he inflicts.

Corporal Ulfric Sander: Silent and Deadly – Moves extra d6 inches. If he makes contact with a target he can attempt to knife or cosh them by rolling on the Sneaky Actions table.

Gefreiter Adelhard Schultz: Pick Pocket – when making contact with a target, can attempt to pick pocket with a roll on the Sneaky Actions table.

Gefreiter Poldi Gunther: Marksman

Gefreiter Berend Keller: Cracksman – Expert at breaking and entering, and opening things silently.

They are as desperate a group of men as were ever refused entry to a respectable line musketeer regiment, and as stealthy as weasels wearing carpet slippers.

In addition, there is Fraulein Karlotte Werner: She is Charming - +2 to character reactions. Even her milk bucket seems strangely alluring.

Seewurd has also arranged for six hussars to present themselves, with pistols, swords, and carbines, in case Ziegler wishes to use them as a supporting force.

Before they set off, Major Seewurd has one last conversation with the colonel.

'Colonel Ziegler, sir: are you sure of this operation? It's not clear that the bishop will have any useful information. Perhaps we should, you know, despatch troops to search the villages for the emperor ...'

Ziegler snorts and snaps his fingers dismissively.

'Major: I am an officer of jager. I came here to kick arse and chew bubblegum: and bubblegum hasn't yet been invented. So, we attack!'

Hunchmausen's Headquarters: 5.30pm

At about 5pm, the enemy’s furious barrage reduces again to a desultory bombardment directed, it would seem, at the general area of houses on the hill.

By 5.30pm it is clear that some kind of enemy force is out there in the dark, in front of the defending artillery. They are outside of canister range. Even if the defenders can’t see them, the attackers can probably see the defending forces, because of the fires burning behind the latter. Obviously, if the attacker's fire, they will give away their position. Having approached in the dark, the enemy forces must be in some considerable disorder. There is no immediate sign of an attack, however. 

Advance!

Ziegler's Headquarters: Day One, 4.40pm

Just after 4.30pm Kugel commences his furious fire. The rapidity required of the Nabstrian cannon-fire requires a switch to normal munitions. In parallel, there is vigorous drumming, shouts, and the clattering of equipment. Colonel Toplitz-Hande begins forming up his Bachscuttel battalion.

At 4.35pm, a messenger arrives from Pfannensteil reporting the movement of enemy cavalry from Schrote. He will shadow them and determine where they are going.

Toplitz-Hande sits on his horse, surveying his troops as they form up.

‘Isn’t this going to be a tad dangerous, my good Colonel?’ he asks of Ziegler.

‘What?’ replies Ziegler, applying soot to his face. ‘Forming into attack column and then conducting an extended advance in the open against enemy muskets and artillery? Well, I suppose it carries certain dangers. But I wouldn’t worry about it. It’ll be dark soon – you’ll probably get lost long before you take really heavy casualties’.

‘Well’, says Toplitz-Hande, ‘that’s a relief, then’.

‘Come on my fellows, let’s be having you!’ shouts Toplitz-Hande. In deference to the presence of artillery, the colonel forms his five companies into an open column.

At 4.40pm, as the dusk deepens, Toplitz-Hande salutes and then gives the order to advance.

At 4.40pm, in response to Pfannenstiel's intelligence, a picquet of dragoons is despatched to cover the Tinkel road and another to cover the Widenlau road. Given the gathering darkness, who knows where they will end up: the roads, possibly; or perhaps Sweden.


Hunchmausen's Headquarters: Day One, 4.40pm

Judging that the enemy have pre-empted his own attempts at a night attack, Baron Hunchmausen orders his grenadiers out of the remaining houses and into a position behind the hills. This turns out to be a wise move: between the existing fires and the renewed bombardment, the remaining dwellings are in the process of being turned into some serious fixer-uppers.

It will be dark at 5pm. In the deepening gloom, the troops in Schrote can just make out what appears to be a single battalion of enemy troops formed into column. They are probably Bachscuttelers because, helpfully, they are dressed in white. They have formed up just to the right of the western road, presumably so that they can use the road as a guide for their advance.

The column begins its march towards Schrote. The baron orders his guns to wait until the enemy column comes within medium range before they open fire. In the meantime the Ostmarck grenadier company and the other line company, both currently in reserve, are ordered to  move to support the Liebgrenadiers and guns.

The enemy column continues to advance, following the road. The defending guns get two turns of fire in before the column disappears into the inky blackness. The cannons roar, and the artillery scores some definite hits, the balls heartwarmingly skipping through the enemy ranks. The fire, however, does not appear to halt the enemy advance.

Day One: 4.30pm. Ish!

Ziegler's Headquarters:

It starts gently to get dark. Night will fall at 5pm. It looks like being a fine night. Except for the flames, of course. And the smoke. And the screams.

The Nabstrian artillery bombardment continues its slow pace until 4.30pm. Another house is destroyed: half of the buildings on the hill are now ruined or on fire.

At 4.30pm, Kugel salutes and presents himself at Ziegler's headquarters. ‘Is it time colonel? Permission to commence the full bombardment! What targets, sir – infantry, guns, or houses?’

Ziegler slaps his thigh enthusiastically. 'Commence the rapid bombardment! Redouble the fire! Concentrate the fire on the houses close to their guns! Hopefully any misses will scorch the enemy gunners! Form up the Bachscuttel Battalion for their feint attack! Assemble my elite strike force and ready them for the march!'


Hunchmausen's Headquarters:

At 4.10pm, Rimmer leaves Schrote via the Widenlau road, taking with him the four squadrons of the Bremse hussars and two of the Karnstein dragoons. He is preceded by scouts, on alert.

The slow enemy bombardment continues. Another house is destroyed. The defenders' efforts at  mitigation prevent the fires spreading. Three houses have been ruined by shot and two are on fire. Two more grenadiers are killed, five lightly wounded and five heavily wounded.

At 4.15pm there is an unexpected development! ‘A pigeon, sir!’ Major Kinski bursts into Hunchmausen’s headquarters. ‘A pigeon!’

The baron looks up from the table around which he and his staff have been planning the evening’s night attack operation. Kinski holds out the bird.

‘It seems to be a carrier pigeon’, says Czernazmije. ‘With a message’.

‘Don’t be ridiculous Chuzzlewitz’, replies the baron scornfully. ‘Pigeons can’t talk!’

‘No sir – I mean there’s a written message around its leg!’

‘That can’t be – pigeons can’t write!’

‘No, sir. I mean a message written by someone else, and then attached to the pigeon’s ankle: just like this morning!’

‘Oooooh’, nods the baron. ‘Kinski – what does it say?’

Kinski removes the wrap of paper, peers at it and then reads it out.

‘"Colonel report! Use Pigeon! Where baron! Emperor missing? Reinforcements being organised! Dammit, should have written smaller. Cavandish”’

'Really? Marshal Cavern-Dish? Are you sure Shizzlenamjy? Sounds more like a line of exclusive merkins... Well, if you say so, I suppose we should let him know what's been happening... can I leave it to you to do whatever it is to the pigeon?'

'Right away, baron!'

Just after 4.30pm, the enemy commences a furious bombardment with his artillery! In between salvoes, the feint sound of drumming can be heard! From the cathedral spire, the observer, Krutchwarmer, reports enemy infantry to the west forming up in strength on the road, just out of medium artillery range!

Toss Him Off!

Hunchmausen's Headquarters: Day One, 4pm.

The bishop provides no useful answer to this question. To try and jog his memory,  he is given an interesting tour of Kraftstein's work, as well as the carriage carrying the traitor Agorn. The latter spends the short visit demanding to be released, moaning that he doesn't want to go to the mountain of doom (presumably Schloss Feratu), and that being strapped to a commode is bad for his ring! But Baldwin continues to say nothing, merely maintaining a calculating look and denying any knowledge of the whereabouts of the emperor. Kraftsein sets to work on the peasant again. He reports that the peasant seems to be recovering his senses - a condition that has allowed the latter to judge more reasonably the likely effects of some of Kraftstein's sharper instruments of persuasion. The peasant reveals that he and a compatriot decided to stop at Oxfurt to swap their wagon for a pack horse. The intention was to head north from Tinkel Mill. 

North of Tinkel Mill? 'One leg good; two legs better!' Hmmm. Hanamel Farm, perhaps? A plan is immediately put into place. Rimmer will leave as soon as is practicable with his six squadrons of horse. He will head out along the road to Widenlau; then, soon after the hills, he will cut across country to the north to join the road to Hanamel Farm from Widenlau roughly where it kinks. He will then approach the village and search it. His movement will be carefully screened by scouts checking for ambuscades when going through the hills and again when he start the approach to Hanamel Farm.

At headquarters, another matter then raises its head. Since the bishop has proved to be singularly unhelpful, how bad would it be if a) Baldwin was just chucked off the other cathedral spire, or b) he had an “accident” and slipped on a well greased choirboy and broke his neck that way? Kraftein is very enthusiastic.

'Well suh, can I suh? Hain’t never done a bishop before suh; it’d be the crownin’ glory to me career that would. Not many as gets to do a Full Episcopal as they say, suh!'
'Hmmm, patience, patience my dear Kraftstein, as always your enthusiasm does you credit but the Gelderlanders are somewhat more squeamish about these things than we are' says Čzernázmije.
'But suh, I could do a BSE, as it’s yer acksherul Bishop'.
'BSE?'
'Yes, suh: a 'Bit of Something Extra' as we say in the trade. I was thinkin’ as ‘ow a straight toss off the roof is just, what? Six, mebbe seven seconds of cassock fillin’ terror for ‘is Nibs afore it’s SPLAT! And Goodnight Vienna. I mean I could loop a bit o' giblets round a gargoyle so as ‘is Reverence dis-himbowels hisself on the way down if you like suh: very popular is that back at Schloss F'.
'Ah, is that the so-called “Vulgarian Wallet”, Kraftstein?'
'Lor’ Bless yuh, no suh!' Chuckles Kraftstein, 'Yer Wallet, well that takes a couple o’ hours and sends the client to join The Choir Invisible as what in musical circles they terms a castrato'.
'Wallet, Kraftstein?'
'Well suh, a week or two of curin’ and leatherworkin’ like an’ ‘ey presto, yer keepin’ yer loose change where ‘ee use ta keep ‘is'.
Baron Hunchausen frowns. ‘So, Kraftstein, you want to take the bishop up his steeple and then toss him off? Or, engage in some kind of invisible financial swindle involving a choir?’ He thinks about this. ‘No, no – I think that that is unwise. There’s no evidence that he’s linked to the disappearance of the emperor. He seems like a reliable fellow. And also, he’s quite important. And, now I think about it, also related to the emperor’.
'At least then, sir,' says Čzernázmije, 'the Bishop should be, um, "closely protected”, especially if, as you say, he is related to The Emperor: who knows what fiendish plot may be afoot to harm him?'
‘Fair enough, Chumleywarner', says the baron. 'Give him an escort of two at all times'.

By 4pm, discussion at headquarters has turned to a final subject - a night attack on the enemy positions to the west! The baron floats the idea of sending two small forces to converge on the enemy guns with the aim of spiking them and/or capturing or destroying the artillery powder supply. One force, a squadron of hussars, with bridles and hooves muffled, would swing round on the right flank or rear of the guns, whilst the Ostmarck Regt. grenadier company (all noisy equipment left behind) would make a more direct approach to hit them at "20 past" on the front left of the guns. Hopefully, if the measurements taken from the spire are correct, the two forces would hit around the same time. Preparations begin immediately. What, after all, could go wrong?

Day One, 3.35pm!

Hunchmausen's Headquarters: Day One, 3.30pm

The weather: he is fine.

At the baron's command, the Gelderland artillery conducts 15 minutes of heavy counter-battery fire. There is a weak cheer from the crews of the three-pounders that signals a couple of entertainingly messy hits. The enemy fire halts for ten minutes, before re-commencing its agonisingly slow expectoration of hot shot.

The defenders' counter-measures fail to mitigate damage from the enemy artillery fire when it re-commences: another house is reduced to matchwood. The existing fire spreads. The enemy bombardment, however, inflicts no casualties and no shock or disorder.

The burgomeister reports that the militia’s low state of morale seems to be due to the fact that they think that they have ‘done their bit’. After single-handedly fighting off the early enemy attack on Schrote, surely they should be allowed to leave the town with their families and possessions? Also, the bishop doesn’t seem to be terribly popular. Hunchmausen is unsympathetic and directs the Bürgermeister to point out to the militia that if they aren’t willing to fight for Schrote, then why should Gelderlanders? Why should we not leave them to the ravages of the Nabstrians?


Ziegler's Headquarters: Day One, 3.30pm

The enemy commences fifteen minutes of heavy counter-battery fire. Whether due to luck or … actually, let’s face it, it’s luck, they manage to place some of their balls in the right place. In addition to some shock and disorder, the crew of the 3pdr (six trained crew, six lumpen helpers) loses one trained crewman lightly wounded, one helper killed and one lightly wounded. The 6pdr (six trained crew and eight lumpen helpers) has one trained crewman heavily wounded, and one helper lightly wounded.

One round of cannon fire is lost whilst Kugel rallies the shock off, and infantrymen from the nearest regiment (Nabstrian) are drafted in to reconstitute the crews (1st musketeer company -5 men).

The Nabstrian bombardment, though interrupted, destroys another house, and the existing fire spreads to a nearby dwelling. In total, four of the ten houses on the hill are now untenable and the Nabstrians have ignited a really quite heart-warming conflagration.

Major Seewurd reports to Ziegler on the interrogation of the enemy prisoners. Their main topic of conversation was turnips. When threatened, they evinced a willingness to provide any evidence that Seewurd wanted on the topic of anything that the major cared to think of. It is possible that they are not entirely reliable sources of information.

Hunchmausen's Headquarters: 3.35pm

Herr Kraftstein arrives. His apron is also now covered with what could be black forest gateau. Possibly. He reports that the prisoner seems to be somewhat more alert now: possibly because the medication is wearing off; or possibly because of the application of Kraftstein’s patent plum-plucker. The peasant’s mumblings are rather cryptic, however. They seem to comprise of him pointing at his lower limbs and repeating the phrase: “One leg good; two legs better!” Could it be a clue? Or could it just be a sign that  everyone needs to get hold of some of what he’s been drinking.

Hunchmausen then summons Bishop Baldwin, who arrives under close supervision. The baron points out to the bishop that the net is closing on him, the people of Schrote are angry with him and that they would be happy to see him removed. Hunchmausen notes that, if the emperor is found without the bishop’s help, then this might result in a senseless waste of human life exit for him; and if the emperor is found having suffered ill-treatment then the bishop would no doubt enter the "messy and painful exit from this Vale of Tears” scenario. This 'advice' is accompanied by some detailed explanations of the unpleasant and vomit inducing intricacies of “The Vulgarian Wallet”. It is pointed out to Baldwin, however, that, if he co-operates fully, then his position remains safe and the prospect of a midnight flight from the cathedral spire recedes to the realms of the extremely unlikely. Kraftstein’s provides a brief explanation to the bishop of the nature of his handiwork, and his great love of his work, before posing the question “Would a search find the emperor at Flumpe’s Stump?”

Day One: 2.30pm!

Hunchmausen's Headquarters, 1.30pm

At 1.15pm, Rimmer’s men to return to their positions: they rest and recuperate.

Ruminating on the significant problem posed by the enemy cannon-fire, the baron orders the collection of hessian sacks and leather hides. The hessian is soaked then in water and nailed to the sides of buildings facing the enemy bombardment. These are to be resoaked regularly in the gaps between firing. The hides will take a bit longer to absorb moisture, but in a few hours time, during the night, they will be nailed up too. Buckets of water and other fire fighting paraphernalia are taken over to the buildings from the town. Beams and some of the barrels stacked on the edge of town will be used to help shore up any damage during the night.

Colonel Kluck und Gluck reports to the baron that morale in the militia seems to have taken a turn for the worse. Several of the men seem to have disappeared. Lurid stories seem to be circling Schrote about the fate of Humpe at the hands of the invaders – stories of violence, fire, and the inappropriate use of gherkins. The inhabitants of Schrote might be next!

Schrote Militia:

First Detachment: 21 men present, including seconded grenadier NCO (8 dead, 16 lightly wounded, 16 heavily wounded, 5 deserted).

Second Detachment: 65 men present, including seconded grenadier NCO (No casualties, 1 deserted).

As useful cannon-fodder (especially given the actions of the enemy cannon), Hunchmausen directs immediate remedial action. He has a "ferret" or two find out who is spreading disaffection, with the intention of having them apprehended, and tells Colonel Kluck und Gluck to give a stirring speech. 

Having been in Schrote for a day or two, the colonel feels that he has developed a rapport with, or at least a useful resistance to, the local inhabitants. He intends to try and motivate the militia by pointing out that “getting the Humpe” is what would happen as a matter of course where Nabstrians are concerned and that with reinforcements having arrived, repulsing the repulsive invaders at every turn, the militia's best bet is to continue to help, as the moment is fast approaching when they will be able to wreak their rewenge on the vile invaders. The colonel intends to promise the pineapples (whatever they are) with which they can administer the dreaded “Vulgarian Fruit Salad”. As it turns out, he doesn't give a bad speech, with many references to such solid themes as ‘honour’, ‘integrity’, and ‘gold’. But his script also perhaps contains rather too many references to such things as ‘scorched’ and ‘maimed’, and ‘beyond the recognition of your own mothers’. Alas, the speech does not seem to materially improve things.

The baron also begins to consider finding a man or two to scout Flossen for signs of the emperor. Two difficulties clearly confront him. The Vulgarians obviously don’t have any local knowledge (or knowledge of any kind really - except how to hurt people, or steal their trousers); and a force moving southwest will have to pass initially through the area occupied by Bachscuttel troops, and so might well have to evade enemy patrols. Assuming that the Bachscuttel military has such things, of course.

Considering that a local guide might provide the answers to these problems, Hunchmausen offers some monetary inducements to the militia, and some volunteers come forward.  There’s Johan, the beetroot farmer, who claims to know the area around here well. There’s Franz, the carrot smuggler, who says he knows Flossen; or Hugo, a member of the minor aristocracy in Schrote who claims to have hunted extensively in these areas. Hunchmausen takes the view that a carrot smuggler would need to be very aware of all the secret back roads to ensure his cargoes arrive so, if he knows Flossen and the rumoured hiding places in the area he might be the best bet.

Ziegler's Headquarters, 2.30pm

The Nabstrian cannon fire for one hour, expending ten shots each. Herr Dodo is dangerously excited, whooping and capering as each volley sails off towards the enemy.

After a while, through his telescope, Ziegler can see the enemy attempting efforts to reduce the effects of his fire. Soldiers seem to be trying to nail lengths of some material or other to the front of the buildings. A few can occasionally be sighted carrying buckets. Brave men! Some, certainly, are blown to smithereens.

One house is reduced to matchwood. A second is beginning to emit smoke which is carried southeastwards by the light breeze.

At 2.20pm, a messenger is received from Colonel Nockenshoppes. He sends his compliments and reports that the picquet near Hanau-Brancau ambushed a small group of armed civilians heading towards Schrote. The heavily wounded civilians were left behind. Six others, two of whom are lightly wounded, were captured and are now at his headquarters.

Ziegler orders that the civilians must be brought to his headquarters and interrogated!


Hunchmausen's Headquarters, 2.30pm

The efforts of Hunchmausen's troops to mitigate the effects of the enemy cannon have not been entirely unsuccessful, but the fire still has effect. Two grenadiers are killed, five lightly wounded, and five heavily wounded. Colonel Kluck und Gluck is able to rally off the additional shock and disorder. One building is destroyed, but the efforts of the defending soldiers prevent it setting alight. A second building, however, is damaged and now on fire. The smoke drifts to the southeast.

Herr Kraftstein arrives to report, his apron now covered with something that is green in colour. He declares that the captured peasant has yet to reveal any additional information, but that he has decided to speed matters along by broaching his cupboard of ‘special accoutrements’, a selection of which will no doubt loosen the miscreant’s tongue; or, indeed, just yank it off completely.

The baron then decides it's time for a quick bit of counter-battery fire, in the hope that it might help put the enemy off their aim. He orders each of his two guns to fire thirty rounds each.

Wriggling Sack!

Hunchmausen's Headquarters: Day One, 1235

At 1235, Rimmer returns with the bulk of his forces. These include a number of wounded and some empty horses. He reports a force of enemy light cavalry, three squadrons at least, in the vicinity of the Widenlau road, about a quarter of a mile out. The enemy attempted to ambush him, but was driven off with heavy loss. He has put out scouts. These have made visual contact with enemy scouts. It would seem that the main enemy force has probably rallied, but is maintaining observation at a very respectable distance.

1230: Hunchmausen’s hussars return from Oxfurt and Kambritz, entering Schrote via the Tinkel road. Their commander, Major Iapicatfata, appears directly at the Baron’s headquarters with a couple of his lads and a large wriggling sack.

‘The Emperor!’ cries Hunchmausen delightedly.

‘No, sir; it’s me, Iapicatfata’ replies the major.

‘No Fatcatter! I mean in the sack!’

‘Oh – no, sadly not, baron’.

Hunchmausen frowns. ‘Well, let’s have your report then’.

‘Sir, we checked both universities, sir. The one that smelled of turnips, and … the other one that smelled of turnips. We looked high and low, my lord; and also at a height somewhere in between. Alas, however, the vaults contained no immediate sign of Emperor George’.

‘No, immediate sign’, says Czernazmije meaningfully.

‘Yes, Chubbybump’, says the baron, ‘that’s what he said’.

‘No, sir’, says the Vulgarian liaison officer. ‘If there’s no immediate sign, then perhaps Iapicatfata does have some sign’.

The major nods. ‘Yes, sir. Quite so’. He gestures, and his men empty the sack onto the floor. A Schrotal peasant plops out. He sits up sleepily.

‘We found this one in the stables, sir. It was all we could do to get him half awake. Either he’s been drinking heavily, or hasn’t slept since AD42. Or both. Actually, both probably.

‘Interesting’, says Czernazmije.

‘Yes’, says the baron enthusiastically. There is a pause, and he then says ‘How, exactly?’

Ziegler's Headquarters: Day One 12.50 pm

Captain Kugel reports that the fires are ready for the hotshot. He anticipates commencing firing on the nearest house at 1325.

At 1245, a message arrives from Colonel Pfannensteil. He reports a sharp engagement at around 1220 with a greatly superior force of enemy cavalry. The enemy were driven off and suffered heavy casualties. The enemy have withdrawn back to Schrote. He has sent out scouts and has the Widenlau road under observation. At 1230, a force of enemy cavalry, probably of squadron strength passed down the Tinkel road and entered Schrote from the north.

Hunchmausen's Headquarters: Day One, 1.30pm

At 1.15pm, Colonel Kluck und Gluck reports that morale in the militia seems to have taken a turn for the worse. Several of the men seem to have disappeared. Lurid stories seem to be circling Schrote about the fate of Humpe at the hands of the invaders – stories of violence, fire, and the inappropriate use of cucumbers. The inhabitants of Schrote might be next!

Schrote Militia:

First Detachment: 21 men present, including seconded grenadier NCO (8 dead, 16 lightly wounded, 16 heavily wounded, 5 deserted).

Second Detachment: 65 men present, including seconded grenadier NCO (No casualties, 1 deserted).

At 1.20pm, one of the VAGG experts, a certain Kraftstein, reports on the progress made in the interrogation of the peasant. He bows in front of the baron. He wears a blacksmith’s apron, disconcertingly smeared with glutinous red material that, for the sake of everyone’s lunch, we shall just assume is a delicious strawberry preserve. His conclusion thus far is that (a) the peasant isn’t drunk, but is probably drugged; (b) that he was abandoned after drinking something that he shouldn’t; and that (c) his compatriots continued on somewhere else with a ‘special package’. In Schrote, of course, a ‘special package’ could encompass anything from an especially nice sandwich to the Necronomicon.

The enemy prisoners seem to have little interesting to say except that they are definitely not Nabstrians, but instead volunteers come to ‘punish the bishop’. Some, sadly, seem to have taken that a little too literally, and have had to be covered by blankets to shield the locals.

At 1.30pm, the enemy cannon start firing again. They have changed target from the Ostmarck regiment to the red houses containing the leibgrenadiers.

Ziegler's headquarters: Day One, 1.30pm

Colonel Zeigler looks on in interest as a gaggle of artillerymen carefully manhandle two ‘cherry red’ cannon balls up the hill to their artillery pieces. With cries of ‘left hand *ouch!* down a bit’ and ‘right hand *ow!* around a bit’ the men use tongs to manipulate the munitions, finally rolling them into the prepared barrels.

At 1.30pm, only a little later than anticipated, the guns fire the first rounds at the red houses!

Flee! Tactically Redeploy!

Pfannensteil grimaces. With two of his three squadrons having recoiled, and judging that there is no decisive damage or disorder apparent in the enemy, the colonel decides that the attack has failed. On the principle of hit and run, it is now time to run! Pfannenstiel decides to retire with his second squadron and and orders his regiment to break contact, keeping the enemy cavalry under observation.

The middle Nabstrian squadron therefore withdraws. With another Nabstrian activation, the ambushing force decides that they have achieved all that they can, and they retreat, pulling back out of engagement range. The Nabstrian hussars intend to keep the enemy force under observation, conforming to the Vulgarian movements but from a safe distance.

Rimmer considers his options. 'What are the chances of catching the enemy? Are we outnumbered if we pursue?' he thinks. Looking at the situation, it seems clear that if his two intact squadrons chase immediately, then his chances of catching the enemy are reasonable: but he might be outnumbered for a turn or two. If he waits for the rest of his force to re-group, then his chances of catching the enemy won't be so good, but obviously, he would have more troops. Finally, he makes his decision. As he can’t guarantee catching the Nabstrians, or winning if he does, he concludes that it’s prudent to gather the wounded and return to Schrote. He also sends a couple of observers on the fastest horses to shadow the Nabstrians and report back on their movements.

Clearly, the cavalry on both sides seem to have a most unhussar-like aspiration to collect their pensions!  The encounter concludes and both sides disengage, shadowing one another with scouts.

Overall, five little lead Nabstrians have been lost, and seven Vulgarians!


The Pfannensteil Hussars: 

Commander: Lord Michael Hieronymus Wilhelm-Franz Igor Rudolph Edelina von Pfanenstiel

Von Pfanensteil is Stubborn (Once per game, when a unit routs within six inches of him, replace the Rout result with a Flight result); he was born under a ‘Lucky Star’ (Once per game, after he has been removed as a casualty, return him to play within 6” of the position where he was eliminated); and he is a Born Leader (once per game, a unit within 6” that has just taken an action may immediately take another).

(Note: 1st and 4th squadrons have re-absorbed their picquets; ‘present’ means ‘present and fit for duty’).

1st Squadron (Major Merten Kruger): 75 men present (3 killed; 11 lightly wounded; 11 heavily wounded).

2nd Squadron (Captain Siegried Bergmann) 60 men present (8 killed; 4 lightly wounded, 3 heavily wounded). 17 lightly wounded and 9 heavily wounded are with the wagons; 6 heavily wounded have been captured.

3rd Squadron: Captain Karsten Winkler: 23 men present (13 killed, 2 lightly wounded, 2 heavily wounded). 25 lightly wounded and 13 heavily wounded are with the wagons. 22 have been captured, of whom 13 are heavily wounded.

4th Squadron: Major Stefan Baumann (also includes Lieutenant Hilbert Kunkel): 75 men present (3 killed; 11 lightly wounded; 11 heavily wounded).

Rimmer's Force:

Rimmer is Impetuous (one per game, a unit within 6” that is attacking gains +1 to their comat rolls; and a ‘Born Leader’ (once per game, when a unit within 6” resolves an action, it can immediately resolve another).


The Bremse Hussars

First Squadron – 88 men (2 dead, 5 lightly wounded, 5 heavily wounded).

Second Squadron – 60 men (8 dead, 16 lightly wounded, 16 heavily wounded)

Third squadron – 88 men (2 dead, 6 lightly wounded, 5 heavily wounded)

Fourth Squadron – 100 men


The Karnstein Dragoons

First Squadron – 88 men (2 dead, 5 lightly wounded, 5 heavily wounded).

Second Squadron – 88 men (2 dead, 5 lightly wounded, 5 heavily wounded)