Monday 12 July 2021

Toss Him Off!

Hunchmausen's Headquarters: Day One, 4pm.

The bishop provides no useful answer to this question. To try and jog his memory,  he is given an interesting tour of Kraftstein's work, as well as the carriage carrying the traitor Agorn. The latter spends the short visit demanding to be released, moaning that he doesn't want to go to the mountain of doom (presumably Schloss Feratu), and that being strapped to a commode is bad for his ring! But Baldwin continues to say nothing, merely maintaining a calculating look and denying any knowledge of the whereabouts of the emperor. Kraftsein sets to work on the peasant again. He reports that the peasant seems to be recovering his senses - a condition that has allowed the latter to judge more reasonably the likely effects of some of Kraftstein's sharper instruments of persuasion. The peasant reveals that he and a compatriot decided to stop at Oxfurt to swap their wagon for a pack horse. The intention was to head north from Tinkel Mill. 

North of Tinkel Mill? 'One leg good; two legs better!' Hmmm. Hanamel Farm, perhaps? A plan is immediately put into place. Rimmer will leave as soon as is practicable with his six squadrons of horse. He will head out along the road to Widenlau; then, soon after the hills, he will cut across country to the north to join the road to Hanamel Farm from Widenlau roughly where it kinks. He will then approach the village and search it. His movement will be carefully screened by scouts checking for ambuscades when going through the hills and again when he start the approach to Hanamel Farm.


At headquarters, another matter then raises its head. Since the bishop has proved to be singularly unhelpful, how bad would it be if a) Baldwin was just chucked off the other cathedral spire, or b) he had an “accident” and slipped on a well greased choirboy and broke his neck that way? Kraftein is very enthusiastic.
'Well suh, can I suh? Hain’t never done a bishop before suh; it’d be the crownin’ glory to me career that would. Not many as gets to do a Full Episcopal as they say, suh!'
'Hmmm, patience, patience my dear Kraftstein, as always your enthusiasm does you credit but the Gelderlanders are somewhat more squeamish about these things than we are' says Čzernázmije.
'But suh, I could do a BSE, as it’s yer acksherul Bishop'.
'BSE?'
'Yes, suh: a 'Bit of Something Extra' as we say in the trade. I was thinkin’ as ‘ow a straight toss off the roof is just, what? Six, mebbe seven seconds of cassock fillin’ terror for ‘is Nibs afore it’s SPLAT! And Goodnight Vienna. I mean I could loop a bit o' giblets round a gargoyle so as ‘is Reverence dis-himbowels hisself on the way down if you like suh: very popular is that back at Schloss F'.
'Ah, is that the so-called “Vulgarian Wallet”, Kraftstein?'
'Lor’ Bless yuh, no suh!' Chuckles Kraftstein, 'Yer Wallet, well that takes a couple o’ hours and sends the client to join The Choir Invisible as what in musical circles they terms a castrato'.
'Wallet, Kraftstein?'
'Well suh, a week or two of curin’ and leatherworkin’ like an’ ‘ey presto, yer keepin’ yer loose change where ‘ee use ta keep ‘is'.
Baron Hunchausen frowns. ‘So, Kraftstein, you want to take the bishop up his steeple and then toss him off? Or, engage in some kind of invisible financial swindle involving a choir?’ He thinks about this. ‘No, no – I think that that is unwise. There’s no evidence that he’s linked to the disappearance of the emperor. He seems like a reliable fellow. And also, he’s quite important. And, now I think about it, also related to the emperor’.
'At least then, sir,' says Čzernázmije, 'the Bishop should be, um, "closely protected”, especially if, as you say, he is related to The Emperor: who knows what fiendish plot may be afoot to harm him?'
‘Fair enough, Chumleywarner', says the baron. 'Give him an escort of two at all times'.

By 4pm, discussion at headquarters has turned to a final subject - a night attack on the enemy positions to the west! The baron floats the idea of sending two small forces to converge on the enemy guns with the aim of spiking them and/or capturing or destroying the artillery powder supply. One force, a squadron of hussars, with bridles and hooves muffled, would swing round on the right flank or rear of the guns, whilst the Ostmarck Regt. grenadier company (all noisy equipment left behind) would make a more direct approach to hit them at "20 past" on the front left of the guns. Hopefully, if the measurements taken from the spire are correct, the two forces would hit around the same time. Preparations begin immediately. What, after all, could go wrong?

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