If the Hungarians were sceptical of Zenta, then the Zentans returned the favour. As a frontier principality, Zenta had long been unaccustomed to those attributes of the Westphalian state system that civilized Europeans took for granted: a functioning civil service, for example; bathing; and the wearing of underpants. Indeed, this resistance to centralised authority has become, like the dirt that covers most of the inhabitants, very deeply ingrained. Accounts even of the battle of Mohacs note that, whilst the Zentan Prince, Igor III, had enthusiastically greeted King Louis II of Hungary on the morning of the battle, Igor's gracious speech to the King had been rather ruined by his pinning surreptitiously to the back of the King's doublet a sign enscribed 'Kick Me.' This, of course, the Turks did. Though most accounts of Mohacs from the period make no mention of any Zentan contribution to the battle, the Zentans claim to have been present at Mohacs in an 'auxiliary role', a role that was later discovered to have comprised the selling of light refreshments. Being forced subsequently to admit that they had sold lollies to the parched Ottoman infantry, the Zentans have always maintained that, reflecting the Ottomans' status as a hated enemy of Christendom and violators of the fair city of Constantinople, they had charged them a substantial mark-up and fiddled their change.
The ruler of Zenta is Hospodar Casimir XIV: 'Overlord of the North, the Shadow of God, God's Umbrella and Also Possibly His Hat.' A venal, corpulent psychopath, Kasimir is otherwise a very likeable fellow with what is widely believed to be a very jolly sense of humour. If not every prisoner appreciates his combination of whoopee cushions and vigorous dental torture, then Casimir's Court is still nevertheless regarded by some Mittelheim nobility as one of the more entertaining places to visit. Many worthwhile evenings have been spent by sundry ambassadors and plenipotentiaries watching Casimir at work with enemy prisoners: indeed, few monarchs are ever likely to be as happy as Casimir is to spend an evening quite literally banging square pegs into round holes.
Hospodar Casimir's position is not an easy one. Zenta comprises a patchwork of petty tribes, baronies and local warlords. To the west are the Carpathian Marches, a silent land of lonely mountains and mournful wind, the latter the product of the lamentably poor diet of the inhabitants. To the east are the grim and freezing wastelands of Gulbaria. The folk that live there are forced to use furs to cover their modesty. Sadly, as the only furry animals in this wilderness are dwarf forest mice, much of their modesty remains open to the elements and swinging in plain view. 'Never drop anything shiny in their company', remarked the French soldier of fortune Bernard Grandpantalons, 'or do anything else that might encourage them to bend over.' In the southern reaches of the Sanjak live the fierce Borat tribesmen that form much of the irregular strength of the Zentan army. The Borat are famed for having a culture that lacks any concept of irony or sarcasm. The frightening consequences of visiting a tribe that literally take everything literally became evident, sadly too late, for the Scottish adventurer Hamish, Laird McCrevis, just after his comment 'No sense of irony or sarcasm? Well, bugger me sideways'.
The main Zentan town of note is Nehrenvhar: here Hospodar Casimir has his seat, as well as a chaise longue and also a small Louis XII occasional table. A dangerous place, legend has it that the walls around the city are far more for keeping the local inhabitants in than for keeping enemies out. Slavery provides some of the city's revenues, but in Nehrenvhar every vice is practiced, including thievery, murder, and folk dancing; since the locals practice, they are very good at them. Other Zentan places of note include Kayk, a picturesque border town on the River Procksi, opposite the Mittelheim city of Munchausen-by-Procksi; Dojay, populated by the mercurial Giezza tribesmen; and the southern fastness of Montepithon which guards the main route south to the Danube River and Belgrade. Lumberjacks are numerous in that area.
The Zentan army is known for the quantity of its manpower. This despite the periodic Ottoman devshirme levies that take young boys for service into the Imperial janissaries. In actuality, the strength of the Zentan army derives in part because the Hospodar has not always sent the best of his potential manpower to the Turkish army. Indeed, the Turkish name for the Sanjak of Zenta translates roughly as 'the land of the short, ginger, left-handers.'
The Zentan army is led by the fearsome Kurlandian mercenary, Captain-General Pasha Taras Bulbous. The notables Laurnti Duklevich and Jaime de Laura are serving with the army. The troops are Feudal in character, with a great emphasis on Skirmishers. Clerics accompany the force. It consists of the following:
Palace Troops
47th Orta of Janissaries (Trained Infantry):
58th Orta of Janissaries (Elite Infantry): promoted at Grosse Katzick
Left Sipahis of the Porte (Elite Cavalry): promoted at Groeninghumpe
Right Sipahis of the Porte (Trained Cavalry):
Right Sipahis of the Porte (Trained Cavalry):
1st and 2nd Batteries of the imperial artillery.
Provincial Troops
Eastern Zentan Sipahis (Irregular Cavalry): broken at Groeninghumpe
Western Zentan Sipahis (Irregular Cavalry):
Northern Zentan Sipahis (Irregular Cavalry): broken at Groeninghumpe
Crazy Giezza Dellis (Irregular Cavalry): broken at Grosse Katzick
Borat Yoruks (Irregular Cavalry): broken at Grosse Katzick; broken at Groeninghumpe
Angry Albanian Mercenaries (Irregular Infantry):
Bonkers Albanian Mercenaries (Irregular Infantry):
Some Giezza Bowman (Irregular Infantry):
More Giezza Bowman (Irregular Infantry): broken at Groeninghumpe
Borat Levend (Irregular Infantry):
More Borat Levend (Irregular Infantry):
Many More Borat Levend (Irregular Infantry):
Really Quite a Lot of Borat Levend (Irregular Infantry):
Djiveleks of the 47th (Irregular Infantry):
Djiveleks of the 58th (Irregular Infantry):
Ah, but when might we see a Zentan army in the field?....
ReplyDeleteVery soon ...
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