Dramatis Personae


The Kingdom of Gelderland


At the court:


Wilhelm I, of the House of Penwick-Fuppet: King from 1758; Knight Commander of the Order of St Theresa; and colossal lard-arse.

Karl-Rudolph III, of the House of Neissup-Clapphandze (King until 1756).

Vlad Drakul the Impaler (‘a lovely man once you get to known him’): Karl-Rudolph III's Transylvanian uncle, and King in 1757.

Juan Cornetto (‘the Just’): Italian aristocrat and Karl-Rudolph’s second cousin, once removed. Pretender to the throne in 1757.

Duke Reinhold Hesse-Penwick-Fuppet, and Choldwig's niece, Lady Ulrike von Rotenburg-Bahnsee-Lippe.

Adolpho, Don Pajero de Penguino: Spanish rake and confidante of King Wilhelm.

Graf Petr Peiper-Pickderpeck, Lord of Pickelpeipers: Wilhelm's Royal Chamberlain.

Count Matthias von Sachsenblaus: Wilhelm's Minister for War and Strudels.

Graf Wernar von Wormer: Royal Treasurer under King Vlad.

Herr Hans Pantzpuller: poet and badger wrestler.

Reverend Hans Leiderhosen: scientist and inventor of the famous Leiderhosen mechanical tricorne. 

Hans von Frischnetz-Stockinge: playwright and alchemist.

Baron Hans von Sockelkock: octogenarian composer, and semi-professional groper.

Anne O'Dyne: tedious Irish actress, and Wilhelm's mistress. 

In the field:                        


Colonel Ernst Leopold von Rheinfunkt: a Brave but Unpredictable officer.

Captain Adolphus von Toplitz-Hande: Frei Battalion commander.

Captain Carl von Lackwitz: commander of Gross Schnitzelring's garrison regiment and aspiring military philosopher.


The Landgravate of Hesse-Rotenburg-Schillingsfurst


At the court:


Choldwig III: ruling Landgrave of Hesse-Rotenburg, a man whose ambitions are as as vast as his loincloth is skimpy

Wilhelm, the Baron Woffeltop: Choldwig's shrewd Austrian diplomat.

Baron Lothar von Prohlaps: Minister for Alexandrification

Count Lenz von Haut: Minister for War, Alcohol, Sharp Instruments and Children's Welfare,

Graf Theodor von Poppenzeitz: Minister of Finance.

His Excellency Karlheinz von Wrincklesack: ambassador to Gelderland; at one time also ambassador to Zenta.

Lady Ulrike von Rotenburg-Bahnsee-Lippe: Choldwig's niece; married to Duke Reinhold Hesse-Penwick-Fuppet, and now Duchess of Bahnsee-Kassell.

Ludovico Angelmiccolo: an Italian maestro at the working of wood and reluctant naval architect.


In the field:


Furst Augustus Saxe-Peste: Knight Commander of the Rotenburg Order of the Golden Fleas; General-in-Chief of the Grand Army of the Landgravate of Hesse-Rotenburg-Schillingsfurst

Captain Sebastian Wankrat: Furst Augustus' orderly.

Tabitha Fenwick-Spye: the Furst's mistress, and surely not a Fenwickian spy.

Colonel Rheinhertz von Schillingspferde: Rotenburg battalion commander.

Chestwig: his horse.

Colonel Igor von Rustipumpe: Inhaber of the 2nd Honevell Horse.

Graf Peiper: Inhaber of the Landgravial Life Guard.



The Burgravate of Nabstria



At the court:


Burgrave Falco: Burgrave of Nabstria.

Burggravina Ekatarina der Ampfel zu Strudelheim: His wife.

Freiherr Gottard Flickin-Wettin-Falkenstein: His younger brother.

Colonel Sir Mallileu Fitzbuttress: late of His Majesty’s Horse Guards; British liaison officer to the Nabstrian Court.

Monsieur Faltaire, the noted French thinker, who is now in the Burggrave’s pay and who engages the Buggrave in discourse concerning the latest philosophies.

His Excellency Reinhardt, the Bishop of Munschrugge: diplomat and advisor.

Heinrich, Graf Deckscluder: Second Chancellor.

Hubert von Wornitzdaun: Second Councillor.

Werner von Frerkingheil: Burgravial Treasurer.

Count Leopold von Beckwurz: aged Minister for Treacle and Public Education.

Baron Friedrich: Minister for Corsets and Public Transport.

Paulus von Fusselstein: Poet Lauriate of Nabstria; famous for such sensitive, philosophical pieces of work as the poem 'Fenwick stinks of piss'

Osker Siber: expert artist, and the source of scurrilous wood cuts lampooning the Burgravate's enemies.

Duchess Birgitte: Burgrave Falco's cousin; wife of Nabstria's ambassador to Gelderland, a man slain by Don Penguino.

In the field:


General Heironymous von Rumpfler: Veteran of the First Silesian War and commander of the Nabstrian Army.

Nora Hindquarters: General von Rumpfler's, er, neice; a delightful seamstress and double agent.

General Baron Michel de Tonifruttipandi: In 1756, commander of the Nabstrian army; later revealed to be Meester Luigi Tuttifrutticandi, a wandering sous-chef, and is thus relieved of command.

Hugo von Stumpe: Rumpler's aide-de-campe.

Major Seewurd: A staff officer.

Colonel Findus: Nabstrian Quartermaster, and gargantuan lard-bucket.

Captain Schmeckohl, baggage commander: a slimy creature, as dark as darkness.

Captain Dietrich von Stadtmaffin: second in command of Nabstria's cavalry.

Colonel Zeigler: an Unpredictable Backstabber; commander of Nabstria's irregulars troops.

Colonel Felix von Baumeister: A Frei-battalion commander.

Captain Stefan von Kobblers: commander of special detachments.

Sergeant Steiner: his sergeant.



The Palatinate of Saukopf-Bachscuttel



At the court:


Rupprecht Von Saponatheim, Prince-Palatine of Saukopf-Bachscuttel: 'the one in the attic'.

Princess Caroline: Rupprecht's wife.

Baron Albrecht Steinhagen: diplomat; Royal Advisor; and scholar-pig farmer .

Sir Hubert Lyme-Pickle: Bachscuttel's naval architect.

Count Ferdinand von Erlock-Weisse: dissolute young rake, and Princely favourite.

Leopold Von Fecklenburg, Grand Chamberlain.

Count Geyr von Voeltickler, Minister for Finance and Other Tedious Things.

Freiherr Maximillian von Fluck, Minister of Sausages.


In the field:


General Graf Redmond von Barry-Eylund: Commander of the Army of the Palatinate of Saukopf-Bachscuttel

Katerina: His disapproving wife.

Dowager Duchess Hilda von Rinckelstockinge: His disapproving mother.

Henrietta Mellons: His disapproving English mistress.

Hermann, the Baron von Ducktrump: 92 year old commander of the Chevauxleger von Blitzenstollen: one of the most energetic and vigorous of the Bachscuttel officers.

Graf Sigmar von Nippeltassel: Ducktrump's subaltern, an 11 year old Ensign.

Graf von Gross-Winkel: Colonel of the Infantry Regiment von Gross-Winkel.

Colonel Amadeus von Goethe-Nockenshoppes: Bachscuttel Frei Battalion commander.

Lady Claudia Pantzov: His winsome Kurlandian mistress.




Imperial Fenwick



At the Court:

Duke and Emperor, George XIII: Emperor of the Duchy of Imperial Fenwick.

Herzog Franz: His younger brother, and key advisor.

Herr Helmut Shotofff: Herzog Franz's Chief Secretary.

Duke Joachim: George's son; a tedious turnip-head in a codpiece.

Freiherr Gunther von Goebelgass: Minister for Fruit, Vegetables, and Public Morality.

Johan von Schmeligbad: Minister of Toast, Breakfast-Related Bakery Products and War.


In the Field:


Marshal Ignacio Grace-a-Dieu Cavandish: Generalissimo of the Army of Imperial Fenwick.

Captain Fabius Nitzwitz: His staff officer.

Cavandish's horse, Keith.

Felix Baumgartner, Cavandish's orderly.



The Margravate of Badwurst-Wurstburp



At the court:


Margrave Kasper Johan von Porckenstauffen: Margrave of Badwurst-Wurstburp.


The Voivodate of Vulgaria


At the court:


Prince Dimitri Eugen von Feratu und Osterberg: Newly installed Voivode of Vulgaria; pretender; last of his line; and also a moron.

Lucas, his brother.

In the field:


Colonel Hertz van Rentall: Dutch soldier of fortune and commander of the new Vulgarian army.

Baron Tostov: a Vulgarian nobleman - politically well-connected but, thanks to some unwanted contact with seven cannonballs, now physically quite disconnected.

Hans Hohenlohe: Rakish captain of the Centennial Sparrow.



The Barony of Herzo-Carpathia


At the court:


Vlad IX: Baron of Herzo-Carpathia; Prince of Roldova. Also known as Vlad 'Cagul' (this being a waterproof cape peculiar to the region, and an epithet applied to Vlad because, despite rumours of a variety of unpleasant crimes against humanity committed by the fellow, the charges always seem to roll off); and also Vlad 'Tipecs' (the latter applied because of his predilection for re-writing history).

Prince Bishop Brad von Schnail und Planck; the Bishop of Prick; Vlad IX's son and heir; until recently the Voivode of Vulgaria.

Graf Feodor von Schwarzenegger-Heilbebach: Prince Brad's wheezing henchman.

Princess Elizabeta: Vlad's daughter: young, dark-haired and with a physique solid enough to substitute respectably for an artillery bastion of the Vauban style


The Sanjak of Zenta


At the court:


Hospodar Kasimir XIV: 'Overlord of the North, the Shadow of God, God's Umbrella and Also Possibly His Hat'; a venal, corpulent psychopath but otherwise a very likable fellow.

In the field:

Captain-General, Taras Bulbousfearsome Kurlandian mercenary, and commander of the Zentan army.

Armand Gateaux: A French soldier of fortune.

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