Klosentheim the Fourth!

The Bachscuttlers advance with the same speed and grace as a sloth with food poisoning and painful corns (below). While Barry-Eylund, being a Great Captain, is able to keep up with the advancing infantry, no other part of his army is able to, and so the cavalry, light troops, and artillery begin to disappear slowly behind the horizon.

Amongst the Bachscuttel artillery comes the sounds of urgent preparations for a barrage of preparatory cannon fire that will be destructive and also, possibly, decisive. Just joking, of course. The only sound that comes from behind the artillery gabions is the creak of sun loungers being opened. Displaying the organisational adaptiveness for which Bachcuttel troops are famous, the troops have repurposed one of the gabions into a barbecue upon which they roast some local wildlife. Later, it will turn out that what the troops thought was a boar was actually just a short Frenchman. But what they lost in terms of diplomacy, they gained in terms of flavour, so it probably all evened out in the end. 

(Above) Thanks to General Barry-Eylund's tedious attention to the rules of war, some of which he likes anyway to invent, there is no gap around which the Zentan light cavalry can flow to flank the advancing Bachscuttel line. Also, the general has stolen the tape measure.

Amongst the Zentan defenders on this wing, a certain realisation begins to dawn: there's quite a lot of irregular cavalry on the right flank, and not much, actually only one unit in fact, of the sort of troops able to fire. (Above right) That unit moves up through their compatriots and takes cover in the woods, but it still means that, once the enemy infantry line is closer, there's going to be an exchange of small arms in which the Bachscuttelers will have muskets, and the Zentan irregulars are just going to have, well, their very small arms. Inventive though the irregulars are, fruity hand gestures are likely to be less effective in combat than smooth-bore munitions.  

On reflection, it's probably the case that the Zentans are best in attack, where they can deploy to exploit their enemy's weaknesses. General Taras Bulbous realises that his irregular infantry are poorly deployed for the Bachscuttel assault. Never a man afraid to show his balls (the possession of which, in the Zentan harem, can never be taken as a given) he orders much of his irregular infantry into march column (below).

Trusting to the power of their silly yellow hats, Bulbous hopes that his light infantry can dominate the battlefield and reposition themselves before the Bachscuttel firing line can establish itself in a decisive position. To be fair, given the state of Mittleheim military theory, it isn't immediately obvious that a focus on hats wouldn't deliver a decisive military advantage, given that most of the armies in the region consider that the wearing of underpants is the mark of an elite soldier.

(Above) General Bulbous weighs the military situation. Alas for the slaves who have to support his palanquin, the military situation weighs a lot less than the general himself. Bulbous has committed himself to a low-fat diet. But this seems to comprise of quite large quantities of Turkish delight. Sourced from a strange woman in a sleigh, this fat-free but calorific treat means the centre of gravity of the Zentan army lies somewhere surrounding the general's belly button. (Above right) The palace sipahi cavalry await the advance of the enemy infantry. With the elite regiment in front, Bulbous hopes that a cavalry charge might be able to break the Bachscuttel infantry line.

(Above) The Bachscuttel infantry line presses forwards. Can the Zentan irregulars reorient themselves in time? Can they actually spell the word 'reorient '? Or should it be 'reorientate'? And what about the words 'in time'? And is modern infantry combat really about spelling anyway? All of these important questions will be resolved in the next episode! Unless, of course, they aren't.

Klosentheim, the Third!

There are several reasons why General Redmond Barry-Eylund is widely known as 'Der Turtle Koenig'. One is his facial features; others are his love of salad and slow-moving women. But the main reason is the general's preference for military postures so passive that they make even the word 'defensive' sound dangerously risky. It is a mark of Barry-Eylund's tremendous testudinal tendencies that he is able to turtle, even when he is supposed to be attacking.    

The great threat posed by the Zentans is that their hordes of irregulars get around the Bachscuttel flanks as the latter try to advance. Thus, Barry-Eylund has decided that he will attack in the centre and on one flank, whilst refusing the other. The choice of which flank is easy. With Klosentheim nestled between two woods and with a large chunk of rough ground to its front, it makes no sense at all to go that way. The general decides to refuse his right.

(Above) What Barry-Eylund does on his right wing, though, is so much more than just a refusal. In deployment terms, it is the equivalent of being offered an amuse bouche at a party and then, instead of declining politely with the words, 'Alas, no - delicious, I'm sure, but oysters with liquorice and custard really aren't my thing', saying instead 'I hate you, I have slept with your wife and your mother, and I have shot the rest of your family. And no to the oysters'.  This flank is not just refused; it is spurned, denied, rebuffed, declined, and then thrown out.

(Above) The general deploys his artillery so far back that a single violent cough might push them off the edge of the battlefield.

(Above) The cavalry, including a unit of mercenaries, covers the rest of this flank and links the main infantry line to the artillery. Their job is to deal with any Zentan threat as the Bachsctuttel infantry advances and the gap between the infantry and artillery consequently increases. (Below) On the other flank, the troops are pushed as far to the left as they are allowed. 

(Above) Both units of Bachscuttel light troops are also placed there in case they might be useful  - an outcome that would surely be novel.

If an actual turtle had ever been put in a hat and uniform, and made to command an army (which in Mittelheim might not be an historical impossibility), this is how they would advance - like a timid toad in a crash helmet and a fluorescent jacket. With a nod from Barry-Eylund, drummers strike up the advance, and the Bachscuttel line begins to move!

Klosentheim, the Second!

On the Zentan side, and to the far right of the Bachscuttle position, lies the small village of Klosentheim. It sits between two woods, and there is rough ground a little way in front of it. (Below) This flank seems to be held by three regiments of irregulars, whose job, no doubt, is to ensconce themselves in the trees in front of them and make themselves a thorough nuisance. Some of them have silly hats, a sure sign that the Zentans feel this flank is important.

(Below) In front of the village, General Taras Bulbous has positioned both his units of janissaries and both his batteries of artillery. The latter have been entrenched. Behind them are two more regiments of irregular infantry, one of which, since this is an important tactical position, is also equipped with silly hats. One of the janissary units is of elite quality - they have never actually fought a combat, of course, but they have watched so many other Zentans do so and die horribly, that they naturally feel superior.

(Below) The woods and rough ground make Klosentheim, the objective of this battle, a tough proposition. 

Barry-Eylund snorts. 'Well, we can't go that way. It's like Agincourt, but without the picnic area. Forest to either side, rough ground to the front. No, that won't do!'

(Above, left) The Zentan general, Taras Bulbous, has positioned himself on this flank. (Below) The Zentan centre is composed of a hotch-potch of cavalry. Both units of palace sipahis occupy the open ground. Two units of irregular cavalry hold the nearby hill. Behind them, more irregular infantry mill about: some angry Albanians and some Borat tribesmen. If the intent is that they are there to shoot any slacking cavalry, pour encourager les autres, then this is likely to fail because the infantry don't speak French. 

(Below) Finally, facing the Bachscuttel left, four more units of irregulars, one being infantry and the others cavalry. They wait, a slavering, bovine-witted collection of disparate ethnic groups and poor personal hygiene, to swarm out of the forest and insinuate themselves around the flanks of the advancing enemy. 

(Below) Having decided to defend, Taras Bulbous waits in his strong defensive position. 

'It's not too late, sir', says Major Bohner to Barry-Eylund. 'I could still see if we've got some pantomime cow outfits'.

Barry-Eylund shakes his head ruefully. 'It's too late for that, major', he says. The general lost his last battle by spending too long in what he likes to call 'shaping operations' but that others might call 'arsing about'. 'No, we have to attack quickly! Here are my orders - deploy our troops!'