Day Two: 11.25am!

Hunchmausen's Headquarters: Day Two, 11.25am

At 10.15am Hunchmausen sends a messenger to the Bremse hussars at Redderblau instructing them, if they haven't already, to give the tower a good search. They should then check Flossen, asking any locals if any smugglers have passed by, and offering rewards for information. Scouts should be sent to check the roads to Vill Barrow and Schottinder Farm for any fresh cart tracks.

At 11.20am, the squadron of hussars return from the direction of Redderblau Hill! They have the emperor! Having searched Redderblau tower, which revealed only the horror of what happens in a cellar when Bachscuttel hussars try and relieve themselves in the dark, the squadron moved thence to Flossen. A search of this ruined village revealed the still somnolent form of Emperor George, hidden in the remains of a cellar: one clearly used by carrot smugglers. Huzzah!

At 11.25am, a messenger arrives from Rimmer. The messenger passed 1st bn Ostmarck at 1100am, about a third of a mile east of Widenlau. Rimmer’s message is timed 10.15am. He sends his compliments and reports his position to be on the road northeast of Langenzofft, just short of the border with Rotenburg. At 10.10am, the enemy column crossed the frontier and exited Schrote! Huzzah! He will maintain his position and keep the frontier under observation.

The campaign is complete! All that remains is to drink some of Bishop Baldwin’s wine (or indeed all of it) and write a short report for the emperor, when he wakes! Baron Hunchmausen feels another title coming on!

Day Two: 10.10am!

Hunchmausen's Headquarters: Day Two, 10.10am

At 9.30am, the Ostmarck battalion heads off along the Widenlau road to join Rimmer.

At 9.50am, the observer in the cathedral spire reports a column of troops, of roughly battalion strength, foot and horse, approaching from the direction of Hanau-Brancau.

At 1000am, the second battalion of the Ostmarck regiment arrives, accompanied by the remaining two squadrons of the Giftschlange Dragoons.

At 10.10am, a messenger arrives from the Bremse Squadron detailed to head towards Redderblau Hill. They have arrived at the tower. They report a marvellous view. To this end, a column of troops can be seen about a third of a mile northwest of Hanau-Brancau, heading in direction of Schrote. There is much detritus here indicating the previous presence of some dirty, dirty enemy troops. Should they stay here and observe?

Ziegler's Headquarters: Day Two, 10.10am

The enemy follows Ziegler's rearguard but does not press an attack. Nockenshoppes likewise focuses on avoiding entanglements.

At 1000am, the column passes through Langenzofft. The village is deserted except for a wizened old codger who watches disinterestedly as the invading force marches past.

At 10.10am, the colonel's force crosses the border into Rotenburg. There is a collection of dirty, sly, ruffianly looking fellows waiting nearby – Rotenburg troops, no doubt.

Ziegler's campaign is concluded! Time for some claret, and the writing of a quick report to the Burgrave, no doubt!

Day Two: Hunchmausen's Headquarters, 9.25am!

Gelderland: Day Two, 9.25am

At 9am, a squadron of the Bremse hussars passes back through Schrote and takes the track that leads towards Redderblau Hill.

At 9.25am, a message arrives from Rimmer, written at 9.05am. He reports that scouts have penetrated the enemy lines, and have been able to give an excellent assessment of the enemy’s situation. It would seem that the whole of the known enemy force is probably here. They have looted Widenlau and are now on the road about two-thirds of a mile short of Schmallenhardt. They seem to be hurrying on at best speed. Their rear guard is composed of a regiment of hussars, supported by a regiment of jager. The rest of the force consists of two guns, four wagons, two regiments of musketeers, and two regiments of cavalry, plus some additional jager. Rimmer asks if he should he press the enemy in order to bring on an action, or should he simply observe them, exploiting any chances for a quick success against the rearguard? He has with him seven squadrons of hussars, four of dragoons, and five companies of jager.

Baron Hunchmausen decides that without his main infantry force present with Rimmer, a stand up fight may not be wise. He sends a message back to Rimmer advising that he will send infantry support immediately. So, for the moment, Rimmer should confine his actions to attempting to surprise or cut off parts of the enemy’s rearguard. He is to act aggressively but if the enemy round on him in force then he is to pull back, attempt ambushes if feasible, but otherwise wait for infantry support.

Ausgezeichnet!

Day Two: 9.25am

 Ziegler's Headquarters: Day Two 9.25am

'Well, that seemed like a long rest', says Ziegler. He stands with his jager, surveying the remains of Widenlau village. The Nabstrians have taken everything of use to them. This has left the villagers short of food, wine, jewellery, and ladies' undergarments; although it has left them with plenty of books (except those with pictures, or with especially absorbent pages), cutlery, soap, and anything that might speak to moral boundaries.

The colonel draws in a lungful of the smoky morning air. 'This is good', says Ziegler, turning to his men. 'But what is best in life?'
'The open steppes?' replies Sergeant Steiner tentatively.
'Wrong!' says Ziegler.
'A fleet horse, falcons at your wrist, the wind in your hair', says Gefreiter Schultz.
'Wrong! Gunther, what is best in life?'
'To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women'.
'Wrong! Stumpe, what is best in life?''
'Um, crumpets?' asks Captain Stumpe.
'Quite so!' replies Ziegler. 'Now, it's time to get the column organised again so that we can be in a position to consume some of them in the safety of Rotenburg'.

Stumpe salutes 'Right away sir!'

Ziegler's force sets off again at 8.45am, leaving the smoking ruin of Widenlau. The enemy force follows the colonel's troops. It seems to have grown, but his scouts have been unable to obtain more information.

At 9.25am, the colonel's troops enter Schmallenhardt. The village is about the same size as Widenlau; usefully, the villagers are themselves about the same size too, though most of the inhabitants have fled. From here, the Nabstrians and Bachscuttler can take the road northeast to Langenzofft, if they intend to exit Schrote; or, if the colonel has other ideas and perhaps wishes to conduct some clever flank manoeuvres, there are tracks to the northwest and southwest!

Day Two: 8.30 am!

Ziegler's Headquarters: Day Two, 8.25am

There’s nothing quite like a real fire. Except, perhaps, fifteen or so of them. Displaying the sensitivity for which the Nabstrians are famed, the occupying troops engage in some serious efforts at urban renewal in Widenlau, breaking things, hitting small folk, and setting fire to anything that looks like it might make an entertaining conflagration - whatever a conflagration might be.

Ignoring the mayor, who seems like a boring chap anyway, Ziegler then details his troops to commence a vigorous frisking of the local village. The Bachscuttelers meanwhile, supported by the artillery, deploy on the perimeter of the village, with hussar outposts forward.

At 8.05, Colonel Nockenshoppes reports the presence of enemy light cavalry scouts that arrive up the road from the direction of Schrote. They maintain distance enough to keep Ziegler's forces under observation. By 8.25am, the enemy have been reinforced. The two lines of outposts flail uselessly at one another. Ziegler's troops gain no clear information on the enemy strength, but the enemy are probably just as blind.

In addition to some blisters and splinters, the Nabstrian plundering yields kegs of wine, which take up half a wagon; some chests of gold and silver, which take up a quarter of a wagon; and a probably blasphemous painting of the Virgin Mary cutting her toenails – the smallness of her dress, as she stoops over, no doubt adding to its artistic merit.

Having taken all that Widenlau has to offer, Ziegler decides that it is time to clear out of the province of Schrote - having indulged the troops with a little light plundering, he gives orders that his force will now march for the frontier along the agreed route at best speed!

Hunchmausen's Headquarters: Day Two, 8.30am

At 8.25am, a messenger returns, compliments from Major Zchtiffi, written at 8.05am. The enemy are at Widenlau in strength. The enemy cavalry screen, supported by jager, has prevented detailed scouting of the enemy positions. It is clear, however, that the enemy are burning Widenlau. So it's not all bad news.

At 8.30am, the baron's messenger to Rimmer returns – with Rimmer’s force! The messenger set off on the fastest route, which was north towards Tinkel Mill. He encountered Rimmer’s force, returning from Hanamel Farm, just before Schrote bridge.

Rimmer reports that the emperor was not at the farm. However, he found upon searching it both a farmer and a night gown and cap of surprisingly luxurious quality, embroidered in gold with the word ‘G’. Rimmer has brought the farmer, who seems to have been subjected to a good rummaging. Though dishevelled, the fellow. named Matthias, has an alert and intelligent look about him, which is always suspicious in a farmer.

Hunchmausen orders the farmer put immediately to the question!

Meanwhile, he orders that Rimmer's troops are given a short rest. They are then directed to join the cavalry currently scouting and harassing the enemy at Widenlau!

Day Two: 7.50am!

Ziegler's Headquarters, 7am

The colonel now has all of his forces on the Widenlau road. He commences his move northeastwards along it, heading for a line of hills.

At 7am, Pfannensteil’s hussars arrive at the head of the column. He reports that his force had yesterday followed the enemy cavalry as directed, which rode along the Widenlau road to a point just past the hills. There, the enemy left the road and headed northwards. Contact was lost last night in the dark. However, this morning, before receiving the order to return, scouts reported that the enemy had camped overnight and was that morning setting off, again in a northerly direction.

Hunchmausen's Headquarters, 7am

The baron has begun redeploying his forces. His jager begin a search for a decent ambush position.

From the cathedral spire comes a report that the enemy column is now fully deployed on the Widenlau road, and is now moving northeastwards along it in the direction of Widenlau. They will be completely out of sight imminently.

A messenger arrives from the direction of Hanau-Brancau, dated 6am this morning. Compliments from Major Ranke. He is leading three companies of garrison infantry from the direction of Bad Singen. Depending upon circumstances, he should be at Schrote by 8am. Other reinforcements are being marshalled.

Ziegler's Headquarters, 7.45am

What a lovely morning!

There have been no contacts with enemy forces.

The colonel's force arrives at the village of Widenlau, a settlement consisting of around thirty or so buildings. The village seems largely to have been deserted by most of its inhabitants, but a few of the braver, or more foolhardy, seem to have stayed. Hussars bring one of them, the mayor, to see Hunchmausen. Dressed in his Sunday best, which looks like most of everyone else’s ‘weekday worst’ he says timorously: ‘Welcome, your worship! I am Herr Schwein, the mayor! I come to you in goodwill and friendship! Wherever you are, er, from, may I guarantee that no one here will offer any threat or harm to you and your men! Pass through with our blessing!’

Hunchmausen's Headquarters, 7.45am

The weather is lovely – brisk but sunny.

The enemy column has disappeared northeastwards along the Widenlau road. Scouts indicate that this column of troops must be all of the enemy forces – their positions to the west and southwest have been abandoned, leaving behind merely the expected flotsam and jetsam of a military camp: although some of the piles of jetsam are particularly sticky and unpleasant.

From the cathedral spire, the observer identifies a column of troops at a distance of around a third of a mile, approaching this way from the direction of Hanau-Brancau.

Hunchmausen considers this intelligence carefully.

'What's for breakfast, Fluffy?' he asks.

'It's Czernazmije, sir. I had hoped that the passage of time might lead you to remember: but I think that you are actually getting my name more wrong, the longer you try and use it'.

'Come, come Brenda - don't be like that', says the baron, jovially. 'It looks to me like the enemy are retreating'.

'Or', says Czernazmije, 'redeploying?'

The baron wrinkles his brow and considers this.

'Fair enough, Wendy: let's take some appropriate action. I’d like to send scouts to report accurate enemy numbers, along with a body of hussars to harass the rear end of the enemy column and flanks should the opportunity present itself. Any news from Rimmer’s expedition?'

'Nothing as yet from Rimmer , sir. How many hussars on the harassment mission?'
'Send out the Schmetterling Hussars and Giftschlange Dragoons. And send those jager as back up. They'll just have to run'.

Day Two: 6.50am!

Hunchmausen's Headquarters, 5.40am

For the first half hour it's difficult to tell what's going on. To the southeast and west, there are sounds of activity. After 5.30am, as it begins to get lighter, however, more of a sense of what's happening can be gleaned. It looks like movement rather than an attack. To the southwest, the enemy camp fires seem to be being extinguished. To the west, a vague sense of mustering can be determined. The enemy guns seem to be being withdrawn behind the hill.

Ziegler's Headquarters, 5.50am

Colonel Nockenshoppe and Major Seewurd organise things surprisingly competently, and Ziegler's force is united by 5.50am. It is now just about ready to depart in Ziegler's desired marching order. His dragoons leave to establish a scouting screen.

Herr Dodo seems surprisingly unenthusiastic about his new career, muttering some nonsense about a wife, five children, and rent payments. The six new Nabstrian recruits, nursing bruises from ‘hopping the gauntlet’ (which is a more entertaining Nabstrian form of the usual ‘running the gauntlet’) are with the  Nabstrian musketeer battalion. The bishop and his two minions are in the wagons.

Since the local roads all go through Schrote, Ziegler's route of march will take him cross country: first, from this road to the Tinkel road in a northeasterly direction; and then southeastwards from the Tinkel road down to the Widenlau road. All told, this will be about two thirds of a mile, and, taking into account Ziegler's wagons and guns, should take about forty minutes. This assumes that there are no unforeseen incidents. During this march, Schrote will be about a quarter of a mile to Ziegler's right. From there, Ziegler's force can march to Widenlau.

Major Seewurd presents himself at Ziegler's position near the rearguard. ‘Any final instructions, sir, before we leave?’

'Yes', says the colonel. 'Screen the march column with the rearguard - the Bachscuttel Light infantry and the hussars - to prevent any interference from Schrote'.

At 6am, and unknown at this stage to both commanders, Gelderland reinforcements begin to arrive in Schrote from the south.

Hunchmausen's Headquarters, 6.10am

Picquets to the southwest report that the enemy outposts seem to have gone, although they don’t seem to have much more information than that. From the observer in the cathedral spire, the enemy force seems to have concentrated at their positions to the west. The enemy force there has formed up into marching order out of cannon range and seems to be heading in a northeasterly direction, cross country towards the Tinkel road. Enemy cavalry, supported by some infantry can be seen forming a screen of outposts between the column and Schrote.

Hunchmausen orders the shifting of troops from the South/South West to cover the West of Schrote better, with his dragoons moving to take up position in the northeast of Schrote.

Ziegler's Headquarters, 6.50am

It’s a lovely morning, and the weather is fine.

At 6.20am, and unknown to Ziegler, Pfannensteil receives his orders to return to the main column.

The colonel's force reaches the Widenlau road. En route, the column re-absorbs the dragon picquet on the Tinkel road. The journey takes longer than expected – one of the wagons gets stuck and takes a while to free.

There has been no interference from the enemy, who seem content at this stage to observe Ziegler's force.

There is no sign of the dragoon picquet that Ziegler sent out yesterday to this road. There is no sign as yet of Pfannensteil and his hussars.

From here, it should be under an hour to Widenlau.

Hunchmausen's Headquarters, 6.50am

The barons's dragoons move to redeploy in the northeast of Schrote in Rimmer’s previous position.

Trees and intervening terrain make it difficult to keep a constant eye on the enemy column, as it were. However, it seems clear that they are skirting Schrote and heading to the Widenlau road. From the cathedral spire, it seems that the head of the enemy column reaches the Widenlau road at 6.50am.

Hunchmausen sends out a couple of scouts westwards to check that the enemy have vacated their positions. Meanwhile he begins shifting troops to garrison buildings facing the known enemy positions toward Widenlau as well as moving the guns, gabions and other defensive barricades. He orders some jägers to find a good position on the edge of the town or in nearby woods. At this stage, Ziegler's intentions are difficult to discern. Perhaps he is shifting his force in order to attack from the north?

Day Two: 5am!

Both sides spend a restless night, certain that the other will attempt some kind of night attack. But neither does of course, because they are a bit tired, and also afraid of the dark.

Ziegler's Headquarters, 5am

It looks like it’s going to be another fine day. Reveille is sounded. In the darkness, Ziegler's forces quickly prepare themselves to move out at 5.50am.

Major Seewurd reports that Ziegler's guns have each expended 112 rounds and so have 88 rounds each left. He also reports that the lightly wounded from yesterday’s actions have recovered. These include: 58 of Pfannensteil’s hussars; one trained artilleryman; two artillery helpers; nine Bachscuttel hussars; and ten Bachscuttel musketeers.

Having failed to get satisfaction from the bishop (a condition, surely, that has afflicted every self-respecting man at least once in his lifetime) the colonel decides that there is nothing for it but to exit Schrote. He gives orders that his whole force will march for Widenlau. A galloper is sent to find von Pfanenstiel and inform him of this decision.

Ziegler, clearly taking the view that the light inherent in the Enlightenment is best provided by setting fire to other people's stuff, gives orders to burn every village his troops come to! He then decides that his force will take the blacksmith and his forge with them - it will go along with the wagons. The blacksmith is to be recruited into the Nabstrian Artillery with the rank and pay of a sapper. All the captured civilians will be impressed into the Nabstrian infantry. 

The march order of his force will be:

1. Dragoons - one squadron to go out ahead scouting the route

2. 2 coys of Jaeger

3. Nabstrian infantry

3a. Both guns

4. Wagons etc

5. Bachscuttel bn

6 Bachscuttel light infantry

7 Bachscuttel Hussars.

6 and 7 acting as rearguard.

Ziegler intends to keep a close eye on the rearguard, and he will be riding alongside 7. The Bishop and his priests will be given a spare horse or two and asked to ride next to the wagons - or ride on the wagons if they prefer. They are guarded by 2 picquets of Nabstrian jaeger.

Hunchmausen's Headquarters, 5 am.

It looks like it’s going to be another fine day. Dawn is at 5.30am, and it will be fully light by 6.

It would seem that the enemy have sounded reveille: the noises from the enemy camp indicate that they are preparing and assembling, though whether this is to move, attack, or slap one another with haddocks isn’t at this stage clear.

The baron's guns have each expended 50 rounds, and have 150 rounds left. Those lightly wounded yesterday have recovered. These include: 14 Liebgrenadiers; 27 Bremse hussars; 10 Karnstein Dragoons and 16 civilians.

The baron orders his troops to stand to. He then calls in Czernazmije.

'Chumbawamba, gather the Hanamel Farm strike force once more and launch Operation Squealer a little before dawn. Order the troops to go east on the Widenlau road then strike north across country following the course of the river toward Oxfurt & Kambritz. Scouts will check the two villages and then the force will sweep round to cut Tinkel Mill, and then travel up Hanamel Farm road and enter Hanamel Farm from the South'.

 Czernazmije salutes. 'It is an excellent plan, sir'.

'Yes it is', answers the baron.

'Indeed, baron', replies Czernazmije. 'So excellent that you have already sent the force off. Colonel Rimmer's force departed at 4.10pm yesterday, according to your orders'.

Hunchmausen pauses, 'Yes ... yes .... obviously I knew that. It is simply an example of just how important Operation Squealer is that I gave the orders again. Later, after they'd left'.

'Quite so, sir', says Czernazmije. 'It makes perfect to sense'.

'Indeed', says the baron.

'Although you gave them a different route yesterday'.

'I knew that'.

Day One: 6.45pm!

Hunchmausen's Headquarters

At 6.10pm, there is a sudden commotion! Alarm! Alarm! Sentries report that bishop Baldwin and his two friars are missing! Whilst the baron's forces were focused on the threat from the west, it would seem that a small group of the enemy entered Schrote from the east. In the cathedral itself, both of Baldwin’s guards have been killed. There is also there the dead body of a comely milkmaid, armed with a bloodied stiletto knife and a shapely milk pail. The sentry at the northern door has been killed, as well as four others on the perimeter. Jagers have been searching, but in the dark there is no sign of the interlopers! The baron seeks individuals, local, or perhaps one of the jager, skilled in tracking. These he wishes to estimate the size of the enemy force and to prepare to give chase.

6.30pm: Finding jager with the requisite aptitudes, the application of lanterns and some diligent searching seems to demonstrate that the enemy force was a very small one – certainly less than a dozen. Following the likely trail indicated by the bodies of the sentries seems to show that the enemy force has returned back through the line of enemy outposts. With such a head start, it is sadly too late to pursue.

6.35pm: To the west, an enemy bugle can be heard. The enemy artillery ceases firing, and two bonfires are lit on high ground, probably behind the enemy positions. There is noise to the front of the Gelderland cannon: it seems that whatever enemy might be there are probably withdrawing. Hunchmausen orders some speculative fire - 10 rounds from each of the guns! Gott Straffe Bachscuttel!

Ziegler's Headquarters

The colonel and his small force return swiftly to headquarters. They are long gone before the sounds of drums and horns shows that the enemy has discovered that something is amiss!

Kugel is still firing, one round every three minutes per gun. The Bachscuttel battalion is also still out there somewhere in the dark! Ziegler orders the gunners to cease fire. He then orders the recall sounded for the Bachscuttel battalion and that bonfires be lit to guide them back.

The Bachscuttlers scuttle back, sadly rather too noisily! The enemy artillery open fire briefly, killing two men and wounding another ten. The enemy also administer a slow hand clap, which hurts quite a lot as well. The Bachscuttel battalion manages to return relatively swiftly thanks to the bonfires. They are in a wretched state of disorder. Colonel Ziegler then applies himself to the task of questioning the bishop and his two lackeys.
'Bishop. know you of the whereabouts of the emperor?'
'No - hence my missive that I don't know the whereabouts of the emperor and that you should therefore search every house, hut, barn and badger set in Schrote'.
'And you're sure that you don't know the whereabouts of the emperor?'
'Yes - hence my missive that I don't know the whereabouts of the emperor and that you should therefore search every house, hut, barn and badger set in Schrote'.
'And your two henchman - they don't know about of the whereabouts of the emperor?'
'No - hence my missive that we don't know the whereabouts of the emperor and that you should therefore search every house, hut, barn and badger set in Schrote'.
'And you're sure that you have no clue regarding the whereabouts of the emperor?'
'Yes - hence my missive that I don't know the whereabouts of the emperor and that you should therefore search every house, hut, barn and badger set in Schrote'.


There is an awkward silence.
'So', says the bishop, 'have you searched every house, hut, barn and badger set in Schrote?'
The colonel slumps. Ordering the bishop to be given quarters for the night, he then gives orders for his whole force to be ready to march by 0530 the next morning. He then dispatches a messenger to find Pfannensteil to inform him of his intention to march at first light! Perhaps the emperor can be found in a hut, barn, or badger set nearby.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Cathedral, Fin!

'Well', says Bishop Baldwin. 'So, both of my guards are dead! And I am now free! That, I think, could be taken as something of a success'.

'Hurrah!' says Schultz.

'Yes', says the bishop. 'But the commander of the whole of the invasion force has been struck down; along with the milkmaid, who, I surmise, was probably the most effective component of the entire army! None of this, I think, would fall under the heading of what we might label "optimal outcomes'".'

'Indeed', says the corporal. Lifting his horn, he begins a slow and melancholy funeral dirge. Suddenly, though, Schulz stops and drops to his knee in front of Ziegler's body!

'Hang on, sir! I've just remembered! Actually, I haven't got the coin: Colonel Ziegler said he'd give me the shiny schilling if I stopped playing my horn. But then, once I stopped playing, he laughed and called me a "gullible, narrow-browed fool" and refused to pay me!'
The colonel opens one eye, experimentally. 'Why yes!' He reaches to his breast pocket. 'And here it is! By my Lucky Star, the schilling was indeed there to turn the blade! What a relief - because I have to say that if this was indeed heaven then I'd be pretty disappointed'. He looks at the bishop. 'No insult intended'.
'None taken, good colonel', replies bishop Baldwin.

The colonel gets to his feet.

'And Karlotte lives too!' says Schultz.

'No, not really', says the colonel, pointing at her gaping wounds and the large quantity of blood leaking onto the floor. 

'I could give her the kiss of life!' says the corporal.

'No, she is really, really dead', says Baldwin.

'I'm willing to give it a try', says Schultz.

'No', says Ziegler. 'And whatever you're doing with your hands, I don't think that that is going to help her breathe'.

'Yes, stop it', says Baldwin. 'I'm a catholic bishop, and even I find what you seem to be doing slightly questionable'.

'Can I handle her bucket?' says Schulz.

'Yes', says the colonel. 'Unless that's a euphemism: in which case, no - really, really no'.

'Jager! We are leaving!' shouts Ziegler. His men begin to prepare themselves to depart.

Baldwin pauses. 'Colonel, could I just ask you why on earth that you are here? Apart from your obvious interest in getting local women-folk killed'.

'Good bishop, we are here to rescue you: I, and my brave band of elite soldiery!'

'Hmmm', says the bishop. 'It's not that I don't appreciate the effort, of course. It's quite dangerous here. When it comes to interrogation techniques, those Vulgarians have an unsettling combination of high levels of inventiveness, low levels of moral and ethical boundaries, and quite a wide range of access to implements that are hot, sharp, and oddly shaped'.

'You are most welcome!' says the colonel. 'Now, having rescued you, you can, forthwith, tell us the whereabouts of the emperor!'

Baldwin turns to look at his two friars. The two friars look at their feet, embarrassed.

'So', says Baldwin. 'This is a little awkward ....'

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Cathedral, the Seventh!

Rushing past the two friars, Karlotte reaches the bishop! Baldwin's two guards immediately stand forwards and block her route.

'What's this?' says the Gelderland captain. 'Who are you? And don't give me the "I'm just a milkmaid on the lookout for any cows" routine: I wasn't born yesterday!'

'Although the major was', says the musketeer next to him.

'True', says the captain, 'given that our inhaber commissioned his new-born son as an officer in our regiment. But I digress! State your business Frau!'

'I'm just a milkmaid on the lookout for some cows?'

Seeing the officer drawing his sword, Karlotte realises that the game is up! Seeking the advantage, she strikes, but misses! The captain and musketeer strike back! They hit! With a cry, Karlotte falls to the ground. Upon this, Ziegler realises that desperate measures are required. He leads corporal Schultz forwards in an assault!

'Enemy jager! Come, no doubt, to release the bishop!' cries the captain. 'But you will have to fight your way through me first, you rascals!'

'You've killed our milkmaid!' cries Ziegler in shocked reply. 'Scoundrel! Cad! Poltroon!'

The captain looks down. 

'Well, yes, yes', he says reluctantly. 'Not a heroic act, perhaps, but I was left with no choice!'

Schultz kneels beside Karlotte. 'The maid still breathes, sir! She is not yet dead! She seems to be trying to speak!'

Karlotte coughes. 'I have seen ... things ... you people wouldn't ... believe! Catnip on fire on the shoulder of a lion! I saw sea breams ... glitter in the dark near the Brandenburg gate! All these moments will be ... lost in time ... Like beers in the rain. Time .. to die!'

'What was that?' says Ziegler.

'Time ... to die!' croaks Karlotta.

'No', says the colonel. 'The other stuff. In fact, mainly everything after the word "believe"'. 

'Alas, she's gone, sir', says Schultz, sadly. He begins to play a melancholy tune on his horn.

'Stop that, corporal', says Ziegler sharply. He then addresses the Gelderland captain. 'How could you have killed this poor innocent maiden? What officer, what gentleman, would do such a thing?'

The captain looks sheepish. 'She came at us! With her milk pail ... swinging it really vigorously'. He slumps. 'Look, I know that doesn't sound very dangerous, but believe me, if you'd seen it, swirling around, and the maid with that look on her face, you'd have shot and stabbed her repeatedly too. Any gentleman of substance would have done the same!'
'By no means!' shouts Ziegler. 'Defend yourself!'

Ziegler and Schultz lunge forwards and a desperate fight breaks out!

'I'll just wait here, shall I?' says Bishop Baldwin

Schultz's horn makes short work of the enemy captain! But Ziegler and his adversary simultaneously stab one another! They both keel over!

'Sir, sir!' cries Schultz.

'It's fine, corporal', says Ziegler, supine. 'The enemy bayonet thrust has miraculously been turned by the lucky schilling coin that I had in my breast pocket!'

'The coin that you gave to me yesterday, sir, if I stopped playing my horn?'

'Yes, the ... oh dear'.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Cathedral, the Fifth!

The raiding party now regroups in the little wood near the cathedral itself. To their right are two more enemy sentries. Luckily, this pair of Gelderlanders continue to exhibit the levels of alertness and initiative that Ziegler has come to expect from the enemy. Both are facing in the wrong direction and, in all likelihood, have their eyes shut and their minds on other things: what things is probably a subject best left unexplored; but it probably involves activities where clothing is optional and Christian decency an unwelcome irrelevance.

Ziegler considers his next move. There is an entrance to the cathedral a little way to his front. It is probably guarded.
'What shall we do now, sir?' asks Stumpe.
Ziegler snorts. 'We are elite soldiers, captain. The very best in Mittelheim. I think that, given the dangers involved in the next step of this operation, and the resolve, aggression, and cunning that comes naturally to a Nabstrian light infantrymen, our plan of action is obvious'.
Stumpe nods. 'We send the milkmaid'.
'Exactly'.

There is a heavy female sigh. Hefting her pail, Karlotte, heads towards the entrance to the cathedral.

Karlotte knocks on the solid oaken door.

The door opens, and light floods out into the night.

'Who goes there!' growls the guard, suspiciously.

'Hello. I'm just knocking on doors and seeing if you have any cows that need milking'.
The soldier frowns. 'A random milkmaid, in the dead of night, in the midst of a siege?'
'Yes'.

'Seems reasonable'. He leans forward. 'That's a big old bucket'.

'Yes, Put your head inside and see'.

'Seems reasonable'. He bends over. 'Crikey, that's big', he says hollowly.

'Yes', says Karlotte. 'See how much it weighs'. 

There is a bonk, and the sentry falls to the ground.

'I don't know where they train Gelderland sentries', says Karlotte, shrugging. 'But they need to ask for their money back. All of it'.

'Go, go, go!' hisses Ziegler.

The door to the cathedral is open! Success is surely only a short kidnapping away!

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Cathedral, the Fourth!

Meanwhile, Karlotte's situation begins to resolve itself. Her guard stands, nervously, clutching a milk pail, whilst the dangerous Frau idly handles his weapon. As it were.

'You wouldn't shoot a man with his own musket would you?' the guard asks hopefully.
'Oh no', says Karlotte. 'Of course I wouldn't shoot a man with his own musket. But I might kick him in his goolies, hit him over the head with his musket, and then give him 20 schillings'.
'Hmm', muses the sentry philosophically. 'That would feel a lot like being married. Except for the money, of course'.

'On that note', continues Karlotte, 'I have an apology to make'.
'Oh really', says the guard, 'why?'

Karlotte's leg flashes out - there is a squelch, a high whine from the sentry, and then a thwack as she hits him over the head with the musket. The fellow crumples.
'Yes, sorry', says Karlotte sadly. 'I was lying about the money'.
She throws the musket onto the supine form of the sentry, picks up her bucket, and heads back to the wood.

In the patch of wood, horn in hand, corporal Schulz creeps up on the other Gelderland sentry. He pauses momentarily, conflicted. The jager in him wants to slit the fellows throat, rifle through his pockets, and steal his hat; the musician in him wishes to provide some tense incidental music, a dramatic action-oriented flourish, and then sombre music suitable for a moving death scene; whilst the Nabstrian in him wants to scream unmanfully and run off. In the event, he compromises: with an unmanly scream, he brains the sentry successfully with his musical instrument.

The rest of the jager are still back in the first copse, waiting to advance. Suddenly, they hear a strange gurgle emanate from the copse ahead of them.

'Was that an owl?' asks captain Hugo Von Stumpe.

'No sir', says sergeant Rabin Steiner. 'Perhaps it was some other kind of bird?'
'A swallow, perhaps?' says corporal Ulfric Sander, speculatively.
'Do swallows make that sort of sound', asks Steiner.

'European or African?' replies Sander.

'I don't know', says the sergeant. 'Are there any coconuts lying around?' 
At this very point in time, the other sentries (above) have both turned to their right, meaning the rest of the jager are now firmly out of their line of vision.
'Go, go, go!' whispers the captain hoarsely.

Scurrying forwards, they make their way across the open ground, heading towards colonel Ziegler.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Cathedral, The Third!

As Karlotte is led off, things look grim for the jagers. Time marches on and, in the surrounding night, there comes the giggling, laughter, and slurping sounds of Gelderland soldiers hard at the task of discrete sentrying - they seem to be everywhere. But there's nothing for it - Ziegler's force is committed and must see things through. Trusting to Karlotte's skills at persuasion and inventive violence, the colonel waits for his chance to advance with the remainder of his force. 

(Above) To the front, the remaining guard now looks to his left. Perhaps now is the opportunity!  Taking a risk, the colonel and Gefreiter Schultz prepare to rush forwards.
'Do you absolutely need to bring a musical instrument on this mission, corporal?'
'Sir, you would be surprised at how useful a horn is on secret missions'.
'Yes', says Ziegler. 'I would indeed be very surprised'.
'This horn has got me out of many tight spots, sir'.
'Wouldn't most spots be tight if you were lugging around that horn? I wouldn't like to share a coach with you'.
Just as the two are about to sprint into the dark, however, Lady Luck waggles her finger at them. There is another pair of guards nearby. (Below) These turn and are now both peering into the gloom in front of them and directly across Ziegler and Schultz's line of advance.

'Dammit!', expectorates the colonel. 'Come on, Schultz! We're going anyway!'

The two hurry forwards.

One of the Gelderland sentries turns to the other. 'I think I saw something'.

'You seem unsure', says the other.
'Well, it seemed to be carrying a sort of trumpet'.
'It was probably a badger'.
'Are they very musical?'
'Don't be ridiculous: badgers can't play trumpets'.
'So, it probably wasn't a badger, then?'
'Or, it wasn't a trumpet. It could have been a piccolo'.
'Badgers can play piccolos?'
'No, of course they can't. But he could have been carrying a piccolo'.
'Why would a badger carry a piccolo if he can't play it?'
'He could have been holding it. For an otter'.
'I ... uh, no: I don't think that there was an otter'.
'Let me look'.
'It's gone now - there's nothing there'.
'Very stealthy, otters'.
'It could have been a weasel, I suppose'.
'Was he carrying a violin?'
'No'.
'Then it wasn't a weasel'.



By some miracle, the two jager manage to make it across the open ground safely. Even better, the nearby sentry is still presenting his back to them.
'Well, that was a surprise, Schultz', breathes the colonel softly. 'Now, deal with that sentry'.
'Yessir. I shall use my horn to play him a melancholy song, reminding him of home, and of lost loves: disconsolate, he will cry himself into a deep slumber'.
The colonel nods. 'Or, you could hit him very hard over the head with it'.
'Yes sir', admits the corporal, 'that would be quicker. Although not musically so challenging'.

Quickly, he creeps forward ...

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Cathedral, the Second!

 Ziegler's force crouches in a patch of woodland, scanning the darkness. There are several groups of enemy sentries. Choosing an approach route that minimises the number of sentries that might see them, the colonel decides that his best bet is to make a dash from his position to another area of woods directly ahead. The perfect moment never seems to arrive however, with enemy sentinels turning this way and that, constantly on alert. Finally, with time, unlike his troops, marching on, Ziegler decides it's time to rely again on Fraulein Karlotte. 

(Above) Karlotte disappears into the darkness. Ziegler waits nervously, flicking Gefreiter Schultz when the latter fiddles too hard with his horn. Karlotte crosses to the sentries. However, things do not go as planned. 

'Halt! Who goes there!' cries one of the sentries.

'T'is only I, a winsome milkmaid who has lost her cow, and wants nothing more than to pump some udders'.

'Approach and be recognised!' cries the Gelderlander.

Karlotte appears. 'Do not shoot sirs! I am without my cow what has got lost a little way over there'. She points vaguely into the dark. 'Will you not come and  help me? You can watch me milk him'.

The sentry thinks about this for one one-thousandth of a second before saying 'Right on! Lead the way!'

'By no means!' cries the second sentry, pointing his musket at the milkmaid. 'For this is no lost maiden! This is a spy!'

'No!' says his compatriot incredulously. 'Say it isn't so!'

'It isn't so?' replies Karlotte.

'Indeed it is so!' replies the suspicious sentry. 'For no real milkmaid would ever milk a "him". That would be quite fruitless. And also, rather perverse'.

'But', says his compatriot protesting, 'look at the size of that bucket. Such a commodious appliance surely could  belong only to an experienced milk extraction professional'.

'No, no, no! Self-evidently, this is an English spy, no doubt in league with the Nabstrians'.
'An English spy?'
'It's too obvious. Women's clothing; weak double entendres; it's a plain as a metal tool for smoothing wood that this is no German milkmaid! By the familiarity that they display with the wearing of ladies' garments, I should think that this is an English marine or guards officer. Look at the beard!'

'That's her nose'.

'Let us not quibble! We should probably shoot her, but I have determined instead that we - or rather you - will take her instead to headquarters for interrogation'. 

The two  begin trudging into Schrote.

Karlotte, however, is a professional. She stops, trying apparently to take out a kerchief to blow her beard. 'Can you carry my bucket?' she says to her guard.

'Of course, of course', he nods.

'Here', she says, 'and I can hold your musket for you if that makes things easier'.

'Thank you miss, that would make things easier. Here you go'.

The soldier then stops. 'Oh', he says, noticing that he is now armed with a bucket, and his prisoner is now armed with a musket. 'Hang on ...'

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Cathedral, the First!

On the perimeter of Schrote, two Gelderland sentries peer out into the gloom. To the southwest, the campfires of the enemy can be seen. Here, though, all seems peaceful. Suddenly, there is a noise to the front!

'Halt!' cry the sentries. 'Halt, or we'll shoot!'

A figure emerges from the dark. Why, it is no enemy raiding party but instead a winsome milkmaid!  

'Hello', replies the comely wench. 'It's my cow. It's just broken down back over there. I wonder if you two kind gentlemen could come with me and help fix it'.
One of the guards frowns. 'But we're on guard, young lass, and we're not supposed to leave here, on pain of some really quite vigorous punishment'.
'Hmmm', says the maid. 'If you help fix my cow, I'll let you watch me milk it'.
The sentries look at one another.
'Can we touch your bucket? ' says one.

'You don’t often see one as capacious as that', says the other.

'Help me with my cow and you can handle my bucket as much as you like', says the girl.

'We're in!' reply the two soldiers, in unison. 'What could go wrong?'

'What sort of cow is it?' says one of the sentries as they walk carefully in the dark.
'It's Frisian', says the maid.
'Well, that's your first problem, miss. Very unreliable they are. And getting parts - well, you just can't get the bells for them these days. Now, a lass like you is better off with a Simmental: smaller, easier to manoeuvre, and much more economical with the hay'.

The maid suddenly stops and faces the two.

'What's going on?' the sentries ask.

'You're going to get bonked', replies the girl.

'This evening just gets better and better!' reply the soldiers, enthusiastically.

At which point, Colonel Ziegler and Gefreiter Schultz, who have silently crept up behind, bonk the two unfortunate fellows over the head, rendering them unconscious.

'Excellent', whispers Ziegler. 'Well done Fraulein Karlotte. Stage one complete. Schulz, what's that I see?'

'I’ve got the horn, sir'.
'Well', says Ziegler, eyeing Karlotte, 'you’re only human. You don’t see a bucket like that every day'.
'No sir, The horn - I brought it. Just in case'.
Ziegler snorts. 'Did you envisage many circumstances, on a secret mission in which silence and stealth are critical, that would require you to blow a hunting horn?'
'I just thought it might be useful'.
'How?'
'Well, we might need to distract the guards, sir'.
'Distract them from guarding, you mean, by getting them to chase and shoot us?'
'Well no I …'
'If you’d warned me, Schulz, I’d have brought my cello. We could have played something. Because nothing says ‘we’re on a secret mission’ like giving the guards a really spirited rendition of Mozart’s Sonata in A Major'.

Schulz sighs, crestfallen.

'Now', says Ziegler, with energy, 'let's get the rest of the force up and push on towards the cathedral! I have a great feeling about this operation'.

Day One: 5.30pm!

By 5pm, darkness has fallen, a condition which improves considerably the look of Schrote. Fires, started by the enemy bombardment, illuminate portions of the town.

Conforming to usual Mittelheim military protocols relating to operational security, camouflage, and surprise, the cathedral is lit up like a Christmas tree. Not a very good tree, to be fair, but certainly one lit well enough to say to anyone within a considerable distance: 'Here, if you hadn't already seen it - is a Christmas tree: fire at will'.

Ziegler's Headquarters: Day One, 5pm

Toplitz-Hande’s troops have marched off into the gathering night. The enemy artillery opened fire for a while, and had the range until the darkness was too deep for them to see the target.

Under Kugel's artillery attack, the red houses on the hill are reduced to ruins, and the hill is now wreathed in fire, illuminating the area around it.

With his jager ready, Ziegler uses the darkness to begin his journey around to Colonel Goethe-Nockenshoppes’ positions, thence to swing around and cross the Hanau-Brancau road. He will be in position to move his force into the town, taking into account the darkness, by 5.30pm.

The elite strike force assembled for this evening's raid comprises

Zeigler himself, who is Lucky and a Flashing Blade – once per game, if he is technically killed, he may return to the table immediately within 6”; he adds an extra swordmanship die for the first two rounds of any duel.

Capt Hugo Von Stumpe (on attachment) – thanks to many days spent trying to avoid being collared for staff work, he is a Master of Disguise and has +2 for related reaction roles.

Sergeant Rabin Steiner: Marksman – uses the Marksman row on the firing table and doubles any shock that he inflicts.

Corporal Ulfric Sander: Silent and Deadly – Moves extra d6 inches. If he makes contact with a target he can attempt to knife or cosh them by rolling on the Sneaky Actions table.

Gefreiter Adelhard Schultz: Pick Pocket – when making contact with a target, can attempt to pick pocket with a roll on the Sneaky Actions table.

Gefreiter Poldi Gunther: Marksman

Gefreiter Berend Keller: Cracksman – Expert at breaking and entering, and opening things silently.

They are as desperate a group of men as were ever refused entry to a respectable line musketeer regiment, and as stealthy as weasels wearing carpet slippers.

In addition, there is Fraulein Karlotte Werner: She is Charming - +2 to character reactions. Even her milk bucket seems strangely alluring.

Seewurd has also arranged for six hussars to present themselves, with pistols, swords, and carbines, in case Ziegler wishes to use them as a supporting force.

Before they set off, Major Seewurd has one last conversation with the colonel.

'Colonel Ziegler, sir: are you sure of this operation? It's not clear that the bishop will have any useful information. Perhaps we should, you know, despatch troops to search the villages for the emperor ...'

Ziegler snorts and snaps his fingers dismissively.

'Major: I am an officer of jager. I came here to kick arse and chew bubblegum: and bubblegum hasn't yet been invented. So, we attack!'

Hunchmausen's Headquarters: 5.30pm

At about 5pm, the enemy’s furious barrage reduces again to a desultory bombardment directed, it would seem, at the general area of houses on the hill.

By 5.30pm it is clear that some kind of enemy force is out there in the dark, in front of the defending artillery. They are outside of canister range. Even if the defenders can’t see them, the attackers can probably see the defending forces, because of the fires burning behind the latter. Obviously, if the attacker's fire, they will give away their position. Having approached in the dark, the enemy forces must be in some considerable disorder. There is no immediate sign of an attack, however. 

Day One: 4.30pm. Ish!

Ziegler's Headquarters:

It starts gently to get dark. Night will fall at 5pm. It looks like being a fine night. Except for the flames, of course. And the smoke. And the screams.

The Nabstrian artillery bombardment continues its slow pace until 4.30pm. Another house is destroyed: half of the buildings on the hill are now ruined or on fire.

At 4.30pm, Kugel salutes and presents himself at Ziegler's headquarters. ‘Is it time colonel? Permission to commence the full bombardment! What targets, sir – infantry, guns, or houses?’

Ziegler slaps his thigh enthusiastically. 'Commence the rapid bombardment! Redouble the fire! Concentrate the fire on the houses close to their guns! Hopefully any misses will scorch the enemy gunners! Form up the Bachscuttel Battalion for their feint attack! Assemble my elite strike force and ready them for the march!'


Hunchmausen's Headquarters:

At 4.10pm, Rimmer leaves Schrote via the Widenlau road, taking with him the four squadrons of the Bremse hussars and two of the Karnstein dragoons. He is preceded by scouts, on alert.

The slow enemy bombardment continues. Another house is destroyed. The defenders' efforts at  mitigation prevent the fires spreading. Three houses have been ruined by shot and two are on fire. Two more grenadiers are killed, five lightly wounded and five heavily wounded.

At 4.15pm there is an unexpected development! ‘A pigeon, sir!’ Major Kinski bursts into Hunchmausen’s headquarters. ‘A pigeon!’

The baron looks up from the table around which he and his staff have been planning the evening’s night attack operation. Kinski holds out the bird.

‘It seems to be a carrier pigeon’, says Czernazmije. ‘With a message’.

‘Don’t be ridiculous Chuzzlewitz’, replies the baron scornfully. ‘Pigeons can’t talk!’

‘No sir – I mean there’s a written message around its leg!’

‘That can’t be – pigeons can’t write!’

‘No, sir. I mean a message written by someone else, and then attached to the pigeon’s ankle: just like this morning!’

‘Oooooh’, nods the baron. ‘Kinski – what does it say?’

Kinski removes the wrap of paper, peers at it and then reads it out.

‘"Colonel report! Use Pigeon! Where baron! Emperor missing? Reinforcements being organised! Dammit, should have written smaller. Cavandish”’

'Really? Marshal Cavern-Dish? Are you sure Shizzlenamjy? Sounds more like a line of exclusive merkins... Well, if you say so, I suppose we should let him know what's been happening... can I leave it to you to do whatever it is to the pigeon?'

'Right away, baron!'

Just after 4.30pm, the enemy commences a furious bombardment with his artillery! In between salvoes, the feint sound of drumming can be heard! From the cathedral spire, the observer, Krutchwarmer, reports enemy infantry to the west forming up in strength on the road, just out of medium artillery range!

Day One, 3.35pm!

Hunchmausen's Headquarters: Day One, 3.30pm

The weather: he is fine.

At the baron's command, the Gelderland artillery conducts 15 minutes of heavy counter-battery fire. There is a weak cheer from the crews of the three-pounders that signals a couple of entertainingly messy hits. The enemy fire halts for ten minutes, before re-commencing its agonisingly slow expectoration of hot shot.

The defenders' counter-measures fail to mitigate damage from the enemy artillery fire when it re-commences: another house is reduced to matchwood. The existing fire spreads. The enemy bombardment, however, inflicts no casualties and no shock or disorder.

The burgomeister reports that the militia’s low state of morale seems to be due to the fact that they think that they have ‘done their bit’. After single-handedly fighting off the early enemy attack on Schrote, surely they should be allowed to leave the town with their families and possessions? Also, the bishop doesn’t seem to be terribly popular. Hunchmausen is unsympathetic and directs the Bürgermeister to point out to the militia that if they aren’t willing to fight for Schrote, then why should Gelderlanders? Why should we not leave them to the ravages of the Nabstrians?


Ziegler's Headquarters: Day One, 3.30pm

The enemy commences fifteen minutes of heavy counter-battery fire. Whether due to luck or … actually, let’s face it, it’s luck, they manage to place some of their balls in the right place. In addition to some shock and disorder, the crew of the 3pdr (six trained crew, six lumpen helpers) loses one trained crewman lightly wounded, one helper killed and one lightly wounded. The 6pdr (six trained crew and eight lumpen helpers) has one trained crewman heavily wounded, and one helper lightly wounded.

One round of cannon fire is lost whilst Kugel rallies the shock off, and infantrymen from the nearest regiment (Nabstrian) are drafted in to reconstitute the crews (1st musketeer company -5 men).

The Nabstrian bombardment, though interrupted, destroys another house, and the existing fire spreads to a nearby dwelling. In total, four of the ten houses on the hill are now untenable and the Nabstrians have ignited a really quite heart-warming conflagration.

Major Seewurd reports to Ziegler on the interrogation of the enemy prisoners. Their main topic of conversation was turnips. When threatened, they evinced a willingness to provide any evidence that Seewurd wanted on the topic of anything that the major cared to think of. It is possible that they are not entirely reliable sources of information.

Hunchmausen's Headquarters: 3.35pm

Herr Kraftstein arrives. His apron is also now covered with what could be black forest gateau. Possibly. He reports that the prisoner seems to be somewhat more alert now: possibly because the medication is wearing off; or possibly because of the application of Kraftstein’s patent plum-plucker. The peasant’s mumblings are rather cryptic, however. They seem to comprise of him pointing at his lower limbs and repeating the phrase: “One leg good; two legs better!” Could it be a clue? Or could it just be a sign that  everyone needs to get hold of some of what he’s been drinking.

Hunchmausen then summons Bishop Baldwin, who arrives under close supervision. The baron points out to the bishop that the net is closing on him, the people of Schrote are angry with him and that they would be happy to see him removed. Hunchmausen notes that, if the emperor is found without the bishop’s help, then this might result in a senseless waste of human life exit for him; and if the emperor is found having suffered ill-treatment then the bishop would no doubt enter the "messy and painful exit from this Vale of Tears” scenario. This 'advice' is accompanied by some detailed explanations of the unpleasant and vomit inducing intricacies of “The Vulgarian Wallet”. It is pointed out to Baldwin, however, that, if he co-operates fully, then his position remains safe and the prospect of a midnight flight from the cathedral spire recedes to the realms of the extremely unlikely. Kraftstein’s provides a brief explanation to the bishop of the nature of his handiwork, and his great love of his work, before posing the question “Would a search find the emperor at Flumpe’s Stump?”

Day One: 2.30pm!

Hunchmausen's Headquarters, 1.30pm

At 1.15pm, Rimmer’s men to return to their positions: they rest and recuperate.

Ruminating on the significant problem posed by the enemy cannon-fire, the baron orders the collection of hessian sacks and leather hides. The hessian is soaked then in water and nailed to the sides of buildings facing the enemy bombardment. These are to be resoaked regularly in the gaps between firing. The hides will take a bit longer to absorb moisture, but in a few hours time, during the night, they will be nailed up too. Buckets of water and other fire fighting paraphernalia are taken over to the buildings from the town. Beams and some of the barrels stacked on the edge of town will be used to help shore up any damage during the night.

Colonel Kluck und Gluck reports to the baron that morale in the militia seems to have taken a turn for the worse. Several of the men seem to have disappeared. Lurid stories seem to be circling Schrote about the fate of Humpe at the hands of the invaders – stories of violence, fire, and the inappropriate use of gherkins. The inhabitants of Schrote might be next!

Schrote Militia:

First Detachment: 21 men present, including seconded grenadier NCO (8 dead, 16 lightly wounded, 16 heavily wounded, 5 deserted).

Second Detachment: 65 men present, including seconded grenadier NCO (No casualties, 1 deserted).

As useful cannon-fodder (especially given the actions of the enemy cannon), Hunchmausen directs immediate remedial action. He has a "ferret" or two find out who is spreading disaffection, with the intention of having them apprehended, and tells Colonel Kluck und Gluck to give a stirring speech. 

Having been in Schrote for a day or two, the colonel feels that he has developed a rapport with, or at least a useful resistance to, the local inhabitants. He intends to try and motivate the militia by pointing out that “getting the Humpe” is what would happen as a matter of course where Nabstrians are concerned and that with reinforcements having arrived, repulsing the repulsive invaders at every turn, the militia's best bet is to continue to help, as the moment is fast approaching when they will be able to wreak their rewenge on the vile invaders. The colonel intends to promise the pineapples (whatever they are) with which they can administer the dreaded “Vulgarian Fruit Salad”. As it turns out, he doesn't give a bad speech, with many references to such solid themes as ‘honour’, ‘integrity’, and ‘gold’. But his script also perhaps contains rather too many references to such things as ‘scorched’ and ‘maimed’, and ‘beyond the recognition of your own mothers’. Alas, the speech does not seem to materially improve things.

The baron also begins to consider finding a man or two to scout Flossen for signs of the emperor. Two difficulties clearly confront him. The Vulgarians obviously don’t have any local knowledge (or knowledge of any kind really - except how to hurt people, or steal their trousers); and a force moving southwest will have to pass initially through the area occupied by Bachscuttel troops, and so might well have to evade enemy patrols. Assuming that the Bachscuttel military has such things, of course.

Considering that a local guide might provide the answers to these problems, Hunchmausen offers some monetary inducements to the militia, and some volunteers come forward.  There’s Johan, the beetroot farmer, who claims to know the area around here well. There’s Franz, the carrot smuggler, who says he knows Flossen; or Hugo, a member of the minor aristocracy in Schrote who claims to have hunted extensively in these areas. Hunchmausen takes the view that a carrot smuggler would need to be very aware of all the secret back roads to ensure his cargoes arrive so, if he knows Flossen and the rumoured hiding places in the area he might be the best bet.

Ziegler's Headquarters, 2.30pm

The Nabstrian cannon fire for one hour, expending ten shots each. Herr Dodo is dangerously excited, whooping and capering as each volley sails off towards the enemy.

After a while, through his telescope, Ziegler can see the enemy attempting efforts to reduce the effects of his fire. Soldiers seem to be trying to nail lengths of some material or other to the front of the buildings. A few can occasionally be sighted carrying buckets. Brave men! Some, certainly, are blown to smithereens.

One house is reduced to matchwood. A second is beginning to emit smoke which is carried southeastwards by the light breeze.

At 2.20pm, a messenger is received from Colonel Nockenshoppes. He sends his compliments and reports that the picquet near Hanau-Brancau ambushed a small group of armed civilians heading towards Schrote. The heavily wounded civilians were left behind. Six others, two of whom are lightly wounded, were captured and are now at his headquarters.

Ziegler orders that the civilians must be brought to his headquarters and interrogated!


Hunchmausen's Headquarters, 2.30pm

The efforts of Hunchmausen's troops to mitigate the effects of the enemy cannon have not been entirely unsuccessful, but the fire still has effect. Two grenadiers are killed, five lightly wounded, and five heavily wounded. Colonel Kluck und Gluck is able to rally off the additional shock and disorder. One building is destroyed, but the efforts of the defending soldiers prevent it setting alight. A second building, however, is damaged and now on fire. The smoke drifts to the southeast.

Herr Kraftstein arrives to report, his apron now covered with something that is green in colour. He declares that the captured peasant has yet to reveal any additional information, but that he has decided to speed matters along by broaching his cupboard of ‘special accoutrements’, a selection of which will no doubt loosen the miscreant’s tongue; or, indeed, just yank it off completely.

The baron then decides it's time for a quick bit of counter-battery fire, in the hope that it might help put the enemy off their aim. He orders each of his two guns to fire thirty rounds each.