Schratcherbach, the Last!

'No, not really, my lord. I just made it up. For some dramatic tension'.
'What?' says the Burgrave testily. 'So what actually happened?'

'Well', says Rumpfler, 'let me show you'. He looks at the report and then orders the gardeners to get some wheelbarrows and shovels. Under his direction, the servants begin shovelling miniatures into the barrows and carting them off (below).

'If one were the Rotenburg commander', says Rumpfler, 'then one might take heart from the complete destruction of the enemy artillery: artillery that it turns out were really quite popular with the rest of the Bachscuttel army.

'Dead artillerymen. That always makes me feel good', says Fitzbuttress.

'And also, whilst the right wing infantry were broken, so too was one of the critical Bachscuttel units in the centre of Barry-Eylund's position. Bachscuttel morale, which had been high, suddenly lurched alarmingly downwards, like King Wilhelm trying to find his knees'.

'And on the Rotenburg left?' asks Colonel Fitzbuttress.

Rumpfler loudly orders the Gardeners to procure more wheelbarrows. Lots more wheelbarrows.

'Things there did not go quite so well', says the general.

'"Quite so well"', says Fitzbuttress. 'That could cover quite a multitude of conditions. So, let's say that we were using the metaphor of a ship. By "quite so well", do we mean that the Rotenburg ship had suffered some considerable damage, but was still seaworthy and up for a fight? Or do we mean that it was badly holed, probably below the line, and was in the process gently of sinking?'

Rumpfler considers this. 'Colonel, I think that if the Rotenburg army were indeed a ship, then it was a vessel that had been eaten whole by a whale; digested for a while; and was then in the process of being noisily excreted'.

(Below) 'But', says Faltaire gesturing at the little field of battle, 'things don't look so bad. The other Rotenburg troops seem just to have been pushed back.'

'No', says Rumpfler. 'The difficulty was that those defeated Rotenburg troops were in such a poor state of order that the Bachscuttel volleys that came soon after routed them both'. Rumpfler gesticulates vigorously. The gardeners apply themselves assiduously to shovelling Rotenburg troops into wheelbarrows and carrying them off.

(Below) 'And so, with only five regiments of infantry left, mostly conscripts, and a frontline of only one unit, the Rotenburg commander deemed it expedient to offer the honours of war. Barry-Eylund, who no doubt faints at the sight of blood, was only too willing to agree. The battle was over, and the Rotenburgers commenced an orderly withdrawal'.

The burgrave grimaces. 'Well, a victory for our Bachscuttel ally - what a dismal turn of events'.

'Alas, my lord, it is even worse than that!'
'Really?'
'Yes - for though our allies won this battle, the victory was not sufficient to overturn the result of the conflict as a whole. We have lost the war! The forces of the Vulgarian Convention have triumphed!'
'Woe! Woe!' cries the Burgrave. 'Woe! Thrice woe, and bugger it! And now we are left exposed to the revenge of the victors! The political greed of the Fenwickians! The appetite of Rotenburg! The strange sweatiness of the Vulgarians! What of my state? And what of my people!' Falco sinks to his knees. 'Fire! Hunger! Pillage! Ravaging! Rummaging! Inappropriate handling! We ... ow! Actually, this is terribly painful - lift me up!' The colonel and general rush forwards and lift the Burgrave to his feet.
'Excellent! Much better!' says the Burgrave. 'Now, what was I saying?'
'You were enumerating the likely sufferings of your people, my lord' says Faltaire.
'Yes, yes, super. Now I'm a bit peckish - what's for luncheon?'
'Salmon encroute, boar and redcurrants, ham in aspic, sausages and stuffed goose', replies Faltaire.
'Lovely', says the Burgrave, 'Let us return to the palace'.
'And I'll leave it until later, sir', continues Faltaire, as the royal party wanders back, 'for you to guess what the main courses and deserts might be'.