Schratcherbach, the First!

Wherein the Army of the Landgravate of Hesse-Rotenburg-Schillingsfurst, commanded by someone who is not Furst Augustus Saxe-Peste, encounters the Army of the Palatinate of Saukopf-Bachscuttel, commanded by General Redmond Barry-Eylund.

'What!' says Burgrave Falco of Nabstria in surprise.
'It is so, sir' replies General Heironymous von Rumpfler, commander of the Nabstrian Army. He strides purposefully around the council chamber waving a report. 'Our Bachscuttel allies have fought a battle! Indeed, most assuredly the last battle of the current war'.
'Amidst this pestilence?'
'Indeed, sir - even so'.
'Well, this is extraordinary! Read out the report, General. Let us hear of the outcomes!'
'Ooh, ooh, my lord' interjects Monsieur Faltaire, the noted French thinker, who is now in the Burgrave’s pay and who engages the Buggrave in discourse concerning the latest philosophies, 'I have an even better idea!'
'It's not the one about crossing a frog with an elephant is it?' asks Rumpfler. 'Because, as I've said many times dear Faltaire, that idea will just create some very big holes around the garden'.
'Indeed no, general. But I thought that, rather than telling us about the battle, you could show us how the encounter unfolded using our fine collection of finely crafted military miniatures'.

Faltaire's innovation in the field of games of war has already been commented upon in this publication. Though other states in Mittelheim have perhaps been less enamoured with the idea, Nabstria has created quite a collection of miniature soldiers for the training of its officers. The amount of time that they spend in disputing the rules and arguing about the relative merits of the first and second editions is, surely, a fabrication by Nabstria's enemies.
'What a splendid idea!' says the Burgrave. 'Faltaire, organise the servants! Prepare refreshments! Then, let us repair to the gardens where you, general, shall enlighten us as to the course of events!'
'Excellent, sir', says Rumpfler enthusiastically. 'I can't think of anything I'd rather do right now than fight battles with model soldiers!'

'I can think of almost anything I'd rather do now than this', says Burgravina Ekatarina der Ampfel zu Strudelheim, Falco's wife, evincing the reflexive signs of boredom that manifest strangely in all women in the proximity of toy soldiers. (Below) The Burgravina, in fetching pink and blue, stands in the garden with the Burgave, Faltaire, Rumpfler, and Colonel Sir Mallileu Fitzbuttress: late of His Majesty’s Horse Guards and British liaison officer to the Nabstrian Court.

The Burgrave watches servants scurrying to and fro across one of the meadows adjacent to his gardens. 
'So, General - you say that Furst Augustus wasn't in command of the Landgravate's forces at this encounter at the village of Schratcherbach?'
'Apparently not, my lord. Having returned to the capital, and with the threat of the current pestilence, he was not there when the Bachscuttel army appeared. Instead, the Rotenburgers were led by an ambitious subordinate who no doubt has eyes on Saxe-Peste's position'.

(Below) Gardeners and other servants begin the process of placing the military miniatures in the positions marked on the report.

'Hmmm' says Rumpfler to the Burgrave, 'I see that Barry-Eylund outscouted the Rotenburgers and unsurprisngly determined to sit on the defence'.

'Is he known for this, good general?' asks Faltaire.

'Oh yes', replies Rumpfler. 'It's all he's got. And the tighter he can wedge himself in, the better he feels'.

'The terrain as yet seems rather uncluttered', says the Burgrave.

'Indeed yes, my lord', the general replies. 'But just you wait. Any minute now and the gardeners will start putting down forests, marshes, streams, thick jungle, ice floes, and deep pools of treacle. Our Bachscuttel ally is incapable of deploying in the open. They are only happy when they are wedged in tighter than something that is wedged in really quite tightly but which, rather embarrassingly, seems easily removed by one's wife'. 

'The evidence indicates that four of the eight Bachscuttel infantry regiments were composed of conscripts. And their cavalry wasn't in good conditon either', says Rumpfler looking at the report. 'It would seem that Barry-Eylund, standing on the defensive, put his artillery into gabions and deployed in two lines of four regiments, his four good units to the front. His cavalry were to the rear to keep them out of the way'.

(Below) Gardners lay out the deployment of the forces of the Landgravate. Rumpler continues reading from the report. 'The Rotenbergers too had many conscripts in their ranks. Like the Bachscuttlers, they deployed with the better troops to the front, and the less well-trained to the rear. Three lines of infantry all told'. The servants continue to work for a short while and soon, the deployment of the miniatures seems complete.

'Aha!', says Faltaire. 'I see that finally they have arrayed the respective forces!'

The royal party surveys the handiwork of the servants. The finely crafted military miniatures are laid out in representation of the dispositions of the forces.

'Marvellous detail on the miniatures', says Rumpfler. 'Collecting, organising, and painting them has been a significant and serious task'.

'Look at all of the little toys!' squeals the Burgravina delightedly. 'How you men must enjoy wasting your days playing with them!'

'Indeed no, your ladyship!' says the general quickly, unconsciously lowering the timbre of his voice to make it seem more masculine. 'These are not toys. Certainly not. No, no, no. This is a serious and manly activity and not at all a sad and expensive waste of a gentleman's life. But I think', he continues with a knowing nod to the Burgrave, 'that its complexity, studiousness, and consequential importance would not be so obvious to those of the gentler sex'.

The Burgravina nods, peering at the figures laid out on the lawn. 'I see that our Bachscuttel allies occupied a strong position. Surprisingly, they kept their front clear of obstacles, leading to quite an open battlefield. Their centre is upon a hill; their flanks well covered by woods. Light troops in each of the respective copses are in position to threaten the Rotenburg flanks if the Landgravate's forces advance on too narrow a front'.

Rumpfler looks surprised. 'Light troops!' he blusters. 'Flanks!'

'The Rotenburg cavalry are well up on the right', continues the Burgravina thoughtfully. 'I suspect, then, that the forces of the Landgravate intend a frontal infantry assault upon our allies, perhaps with the cavalry ready to exploit any breakthroughs?'

'Er, perhaps', says Rumpfler. 'It's, ah, not impossible. Hmmm, embroidery lessons cover a much wider range of topics than they used to in my day. Anyway, we'll see won't we, my lady. Now, this is how the battle unfolded ...'