Radu Pasha nods. He has just informed Hospodar Casimir of the great Zentan victory at the the Battle of Groeninghumpe. 'Yes, dread lord. We sniped at them for a while; then they chased us for a while; then we charged them for a while; and then they ran off'.
'It's not quite as epic an account of the battle as I might wish for; but never mind - we can elaborate upon it for the official history', replies the Hospodar. 'I'd like less kilts, bagpipes, and timorous skirmishing, and more dashing charges, skilful generalship, and roguish indifference to death'.
'Your will, my hands', replies Radu bowing. 'I shall get our best writers of romantic fiction right on it'.
'And what were our casualties like?' Casimir enquires.
'Very heavy, my lord', says Radu brightly, 'especially amongst the irregular cavalry'.
'Well, this is better and better!' beams Casimir. 'Maintaining our forces will now cost us much less. And having to recruit more irregulars will also remove even more of the undesirable elements from the Borat and Giezza communities: which is almost all of them'.
Radu pauses and then changes tack. 'There is ... ah ... one fly in the ointment, my lord. There is a ... ah ... degree of unhappiness, my lord, amongst the Borat and Giezza tribes given that they have lost so heavily. Some dark mutterings, given that the scale of their losses means that their funeral pyres aren't readily distinguishable from major forest fires'.
Casimir waggles an admonishing finger. 'Then, slave Radu, we need to turn those frowns upside down! You can't say "funeral" without saying "fun": so let's encourage the people to look at the sunnier side of things by telling them that if they continue to mutter darkly, I shall have them all burnt as well'.
'Very heavy, my lord', says Radu brightly, 'especially amongst the irregular cavalry'.
'Well, this is better and better!' beams Casimir. 'Maintaining our forces will now cost us much less. And having to recruit more irregulars will also remove even more of the undesirable elements from the Borat and Giezza communities: which is almost all of them'.
Radu pauses and then changes tack. 'There is ... ah ... one fly in the ointment, my lord. There is a ... ah ... degree of unhappiness, my lord, amongst the Borat and Giezza tribes given that they have lost so heavily. Some dark mutterings, given that the scale of their losses means that their funeral pyres aren't readily distinguishable from major forest fires'.
Casimir waggles an admonishing finger. 'Then, slave Radu, we need to turn those frowns upside down! You can't say "funeral" without saying "fun": so let's encourage the people to look at the sunnier side of things by telling them that if they continue to mutter darkly, I shall have them all burnt as well'.
'A wise and sagacious decision, great lord. I shall send the good news to them immediately'.
Hospodar Casimir nods and then seems to remember something. 'Now, Radu: this leads me to that pamphlet on balloons that you recommended for me'.
Hospodar Casimir nods and then seems to remember something. 'Now, Radu: this leads me to that pamphlet on balloons that you recommended for me'.
'Indeed, sir. One of the interesting fruits of my visit to Sirhirbaz Pasha's laboratories. And by "one", lord, I probably really mean "only". Except for those interesting things that were literally fruits - I had never seen a guava before'.
'It does sound like he needs to be incentivised', says Casimir ruefully.
'Alas, sire, the incentivisor is broken: the ropes snapped while we were applying some encouragement to Ambassador von Dweeb'.
'How long will it take to fix?'
'The Equality and Diversity Officer has taken a look, sire. He declares it to be quite damaged: "proper knackered" I think was the technical term that he used. It seems that the Bachscuttel ambassador's moral flexibility is accompanied by an equivalent degree of physical flexibility as well: even after we pinged his cuirass off'.
'Well, we should make some decisions about what to do with the pamphlet. Although, before that we have a few other issues that probably need resolving. Isn't my wife visiting soon?'
'Yes, my lord, she ...'
'Hmmm, but don't I have debauchery at three?'
'That's at two my lord: it's torture at three, and then tea at four, but ...'
'Well, perhaps we should bring the torture and debauchery forward. I want the place cleared up before my wife arrives'.
'Yes, sire, she ...'
'In fact, let's combine the torture and debauchery to move things along'.
'Ah, ah', says Radu with a rising note of panic in his voice.
'Actually, let's combine all three: but make sure the tea isn't too hot in case of spillages'.
'Ah, ah ... your wife, lord ...' protests Radu.
The hospodar stops and looks at Radu's face. He sighs. 'She's behind me isn't she'.
'Well, we should make some decisions about what to do with the pamphlet. Although, before that we have a few other issues that probably need resolving. Isn't my wife visiting soon?'
'Yes, my lord, she ...'
'Hmmm, but don't I have debauchery at three?'
'That's at two my lord: it's torture at three, and then tea at four, but ...'
'Well, perhaps we should bring the torture and debauchery forward. I want the place cleared up before my wife arrives'.
'Yes, sire, she ...'
'In fact, let's combine the torture and debauchery to move things along'.
'Ah, ah', says Radu with a rising note of panic in his voice.
'Actually, let's combine all three: but make sure the tea isn't too hot in case of spillages'.
'Ah, ah ... your wife, lord ...' protests Radu.
The hospodar stops and looks at Radu's face. He sighs. 'She's behind me isn't she'.
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