Tuesday 5 December 2023

It Was the Best of Times, it Was the Wurst of Times!

'Greetings, my princess of pulchritude', says Hospodar Casimir guardedly.
'Husband', replies his wife, the Hospodina Eudokia Asanina. Her tone makes it difficult to determine whether the she is using the title as a greeting or as an accusation.

That there should be certain tensions evidenced in Casimir's relationship with Eudokia was probably inevitable given the circumstances of their co-joining. It wasn't the best start to a marriage. Her family was small; and they got quite a lot smaller after Casimir has most of them beheaded. They were also poor; or at least, they were after Casimir also then stole their fortune, which he used as part of the bribes to have himself elevated to hospodar by the Ottoman grand vizier.


Nevertheless, the relationship seemed to work; largely because of its strong foundations in honesty and commitment - Eudokia honestly didn't want to spend any time with her husband, which was probably good because Casimir was a committed psychopath. Still, Radu Pasha had noted that Casimir accorded his wife a great measure of respect and seemed to take pains to hide from her the worst of his excesses. This wasn't easy given how excessive his excesses were. Eudokia, in turn, evinced no fear of her husband, and whatever she actually said it always sounded like she was telling him to go and tidy his bedroom.

'And Husrev Pasha', says Casimir, turning to the fellow accompanying the Hospodina. 'What brings you here as well?'
'Dread lord', replies Husrev bowing. 'I am Chief of the White Eunuchs; and so I am chancellor for the august Hospodina'.


'Chief of the White Eunuchs?' replies Casimir frowning. 'But weren't you Chief of the Kitchens?'
'There was an incident, my lord', interjects Radu Pasha. 'The cheese thing'.
'Oh, oh yes, the thing with the cheese' says the Hospodar nodding slowly. 'And I banished you to the eunuchs. Well, how are you finding things in the ...ah ... eunuch ... work space'.
'Well, you know, sire. It's on and off. When they need a eunuch that's specifically white, well, it's hurry hurry hurry. But if they don't need a eunuch; or they need a eunuch but the colour isn't a priority, then things are much quieter'.
'I can imagine that would be the case. Did you need much training?'
'No, no, lord. There were just some, ah ... preliminary adjustments that I had to make'.
'Adjustments?'
'There was an operation', my lord interjects Radu Pasha. 'The sausage thing'.
'The sausage ... oh, I see. Well, 'says Casimir turning again to Eudokia, 'you have arrived at a moment, my turtle dove, of important discussion of matters of state'.
Eudokia tilts her head. 'I would swear, husband, that I heard the word "debauchery" mentioned'.
'Oh, no, no, no, no, no', says Radu Pasha. 'You probably misheard me, my lady, when I was talking about the balloon. "Balloon", "debauchery:" they can sound quite similar when pronounced by someone as worthless as myself'. 

'Exactly' hurries on Casimir. 'So, back to the debauchery: what might this new technology be used for?'
'Well - silly things, sire', says Radu. 'Floating in; kidnapping people; floating out. It seems dangerous, costly, largely futile; and also potentially very embarrassing. Rather like ruling Wurstburp'.
'Well, let's not keep these plans then. We should send them on to someone else. Any ideas, slave?' 
'Well, my lord husband' interrupts the Hospdina. 'There might be someone that you can send the plans to. Send them to the Vulgarians, husband. They have an appetite for madcap adventure. And also, you hate them: so it doesn't matter if they use this technology and fail laughably'.
'Why yes, madame: that is sage advice indeed', nods Casimir. 'What a marvellous and serendipitous tide of fate it was that washed you up upon the shores of my life, my dear'. 
'Tide of fate?' replies the Lady Eudokia. 'Yes. Of course, there's also the fact that you had me kidnapped; killed most of my family, and then threatened to kill the rest if I didn't agree to marry you'.
'Well yes', replies Casimir evenly. 'There was that as well'.

Meanwhile, thoughts of Vulgaria are brewing in the minds of other important Mittelheim personages ...

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