The Pig Bang Theory!

Having made up for the theft of his army's wheelbarrow by draconian levies upon the local population, taking any item into which earth can usefully be deposited and moved - including carts, chests, sedan chairs, hats, and female cleavages - Rheinfunkt has successfully extended the third parallel. From this, his forces have crowned the enemy glacis and are now in a position to commence an assault upon the enemy's main fortifications.

(Above) The troops quietly move themselves into position, a movement that only fails to disturb the Fenwickian sentries because it sounds so similar to the random perambulations of wandering livestock. The main part of the assault will be against the nearest enemy bastion. Three companies of regulars - so termed, no doubt, because they regularly disappoint their officers with their lax drill and poor grasp of the finer points of the difference between left and right - form part of the attacking force here. However, the key vanguard of the assault, the spear tip, as it were, of the manly thrust of this attack, comprises of five companies of elite grenadiers. Superior to ordinary Gelderland troops in every respect, these fellows are as fine a product as the archaic, corrupt, financially suspect, and poorly organised military systems of Mittelheim can produce.

(Above) On the Gelderland right wing, four more companies of troops move into position. Here, Rheinfunkt's men will attempt a frontal assault on the other Fenwickian bastion. They are to be issued with ladders to aid them in overcoming the enemy walls. This operation is so dangerous that it has been left to troops that have volunteered - volunteered, that is, not to be shot as long as they agree to pick up some ladders and undertake an assault on the other enemy bastion. Their commander whispers with the Gelderland mortar crew. The assault troops, with their ladders, will be supported by the Bachscuttel mortar. However, the commander's confidence in some tight coordination  between his attacking troops and the mortar in his assault upon the enemy fortress are not increased by such questions from the mortar crew as 'What enemy fortress?'; 'What attacking troops?'; and, 'What mortar?'

(Above) General Rheinfunkt goes over the plan one last time with his newly appointed Chief Pig Engineer.
'You're sure this will work', asks the general.
Herr Plugg nods vigorously. 'The theory be inder sputable'.
'"Indisputable"', corrects Rheinfunkt.
'Than an all, sir', says Plugg. 'Boris goes fer the ravelling'.
'"Ravelin"', corrects the general.
'An Dominic goes fer the potatoe'.
'You mean "bastion"'. The general frowns. 'Also, you name your pigs?'
'Aye sir. They all exhibit traits that suggest their names. So Dominic: now, his face says that he's almost a diabolical genius'.
'Almost?'
'Well, he ain't a genius. An' Boris, well, he just looks confused'.
Rheinfunkt looks worried. 'Is it wise to involve a pig that looks confused, given that this is such a desperate and important enterprise?'
'No - he's clear about his directions, sir - he just ain't sure about what to do when he gets there. But the fuse will take care of that'.

Rheinfunkt nods. 'Fair enough'. He pauses and then looks at the sky. 'So, it is time'. He looks about himself. Then, he stands erect upon his horse* and says loudly to all about him 'Unleash hell!'

There is a moment of embarassed silence. One of his staff officers then says 'Um, okay, sir. But what about the pigs?'

The general frowns. 'No, I meant, release the pigs - but I was trying to create a sense of occasion with a dramatic flourish'.

'Oh. What about a drum roll? I could get some drummers for one of those'.

'No, the moment has gone'.

'Or', says the officer, 'some really vigorous triangle banging?'

'No, I've lost my inspiration. Just release the pigs'.
Herr Plugg nods. It is, in the history of warfare, hardly the most memorable of opening lines, but the final attack upon Fort Pippin commeces with Herr Plugg saying louldy, 'Dominic, Boris - run!'

* Self-evidently, not something that could be done in Fenwick.