A Little Less Conversation!

'Launch a sortie against them that overwhelms their third parallel; destroys it; and puts back their operations such that our relief army could indeed arrive before the fort falls?'
'Aye, sir, that's what I'm suggesting'.
Captain-Governor Schroedinger-Skatt nods, contemplating this suggestion carefully. From their position on the fortress walls, the captain-general and his two engineering officers, Colonel Dougal Entendre and Major Gordon Sanitaire, grimly survey the enemy's works. The three men have the haggard, haunted look familiar to any who have endured the depredations of an extended siege. Hollow-eyed and emaciated, they ruminate on Entendre's plan.

'Perhaps', says Major Sanitaire weakly 'perhaps we could just wait a little longer?'
'Nay, nay, laddie' Colonel Entendre says sadly. 'We're out of everything. Mustard, napkins, balsamic vinegar; and now, even sausages'.
'We could eat other things', replies the major, 'even ... even ... rats'.
'No' replies the captain-general sternly, 'We cannot'.
The major nods. 'Yes - I suppose eating rats should indeed be beneath us as gentlemen: some things are worse than death. We have already done unspeakable things in the name of survival: Jam instead of mustard; paper instead of napkins; and ... and ... there were the hotdogs - slices of bread instead of a split finger roll.'
'No', says Schroedinger. 'I mean, we can't eat the rats because we've run out of them. Actually, we started eating them before we finished the sausages. Delicious'.
'Aye', agrees the colonel. 'The cook had a special herb rub for them: outstanding'.

The three turn their attention back to the target for the suggested attack: the enemy third parallel.
'It is risky', says the Captain-General.

'Aye sir', the colonel replies. 'But "attack is the best form of defence" they say'.
Schroedinger nods. 'Yes, well "they" presumably are the people who don't actually have to do the attacking, but get to stay behind, drinking coffee'.
'We would need to gather a body o' brave men for the job, certainly sir', says Entendre.
Sanitaire snorts. 'That would be a very small body, sir'.
'Really?'
'Yes, less of a "body" and more of a small frail limb only tenuously attached to a body'.
'Still' says the captain-general, 'A quiet and disciplined advance by our troops - that will surprise the enemy, surely?'
'A quiet and disciplined advance by our troops would also surprise me sir', says the major, sadly.

Schroedinger comes to a decison and turns to Colonel Entendre. 'We must try it', he says decisively. 'We must gain more time. Moreover, the men have heard some digging sounds. It might be that the enemy are again attempting to mine our positions'.
'Are you sure, sir' asks the colonel.
'Well, what about that hole that appeared in front of the wall? That could it have been a mine'.
Entendre looks sceptical. 'I think, sir, that a mine would have been nearer to our walls, surely. And also, have less pot plants. Anyway, they filled it in two days ago'.

Suddenly, there is an enormous explosion! Worse even than if King Wilhelm of Gelderland had broken wind down an unexpectedly large tuba. Dust and debris rains down; in the town, a pall of smoke hangs over a nearby street. Picking himself up off the floor the captain-general peers towards the area; he blasphemes and then says in a shocked tone - 'They .. they’ve blown up the nunnery!'