The Fortress!

As we leave, dear reader, the violent and morally questionable activities of the Mittelheim forces in America, we return our gaze to the events at Fort Pippin. More specifically, we cast our eyes upon the ongoing siege taking place there. Much to the chagrin of the besieging forces of the Spasmodic Sanction, the Fenwickian defenders are exhibiting a rather unMittelheim-like determination to defend their positions; if not to the last man, then at least to the last of the really unpopular men.

A previous report in this publication has noted the history of Fort pippin. Suffice it to say that this fortress is the chief stronghold of the Empire of Grand Fenwick, and its fate is of considerable signifiance to the course of the war. (Below) The fortress features some of the very latest fashions in modern fortifications: an outer glacis; intermediate ravelins; and a main wall featuring artillery bastions. At least, that is what any respectable European officer might call them. Here, the technicalities of military engineering have been reduced to a series of such observations as 'Crikey, those outside things are really zig-zaggy'; and 'so, are these things hexagons, or polygons, or .. uh ... mostly-gons'.

That the fort itself is defended by Fenwickians, the Spartans of Mittelheim, should also be an advantage; although recent history suggests that, whilst they are splendid soldiers in open field battles, their performance in other circumstances has, like Scottish lasagne, tended to disappoint. 

(Below) The main approach to Fort Pippin is also heavily defended. Any attempt to take the position by direct assault would surely be doomed to failure. This isn't, intrinsically of course, a reason why a Mittelheim army wouldn't try it anyway, but in this case even such forces as those of the Spasmodic Sanction have taken cause to think twice. Neither of these thoughts took very long, it is fair to say, and both were mainly concerned with cake and wenches in cakes. But even in such circumstances it was evident to the besiegers that there might be more effective, and much less terminal, ways of taking the fort than a mad rush towards the main entrance. Once the obvious plans had been considered (firing a cannon into the fort and then knocking on the gate to ask for their ball back; or dressing in women's clothing and pretending to be late for a party), the only option seemed to be a regular military operation.

(Below) Early attempts scored highly on imagination, if rather lower on military practicality. Artillery positions, it turned out, really needed to face the enemy if they were to be fully effective - who knew? And wooden horses needed to somewhat larger than life size. Finally, the Spasmodic Sanction army recognised that siege operations might require a proper military professional. In consequence, they have hired another mercenary French-Scottish engineer - in this case one Colonel Niall Pointe. For this reason, across the field, the Gelderland-Nabstrian siege has finally been proceeding apace. With the Fenwickian victory at Wuppenhas, the chances of the arrival of a Fenwickian relief force has greatly increased, so the siege must be actively prosecuted if it is to stand any chance of success.

(Above, right) Under the watchful eye of Colonel Pointe, the first parallel and accompanying batteries have been established. From this positon, a sap has been pushed forward and the second parallel, too, has been contructed. These have been built quite speedily: if there is one thing that Mittelheim soldiers are keen on, it's creating conditions that reduce the likelihood of being shot. The beginnings of the third parallel can now be seen. From this position, the forces of the Spasmodic Sanction are within measurable distance of the enemy's defensive glacis. One more sap will allow the attackers to 'crown' the glacis and bring forward another battery to pound the main walls and prepare for the final assault.

(Above) Troops man the first and second parallels. The Fenwickian defensive fire has been curiously ineffective. In the the far distance can be seen the head of a mine that Pointe has ordered to be dug. The success of this mining operation is likely to hinge on a combination of hard work and a strong grasp of geometry: neither of which is the strong suit of Mittelheim troops. Actually, only those mining operations that hinge on obesity and guesswork could normally be considered their strong suit. And even then, it would less of a "suit", and more a pair of heavily patched under-britches.