Smash and Grab!

In the environs of the crossings of the river Zwei, three groups of strangely attired visitors burst out of the local forest, and can be seen hurrying forwards (below). In the midst, we can see Emir Rhoddri Pasha, which means that these disreputable rogues must be none other than pirates from the Burberry Coast! The emir turns to his second-in-command, Kujuk Huseyin. 'Now then, Huseyin. Where the devil are the rest of our lads?'
Huseyin gestures behind. 'They are following closely, my lord, and should appear in our vicinity at some strangely random point in time determined by the characteristics of the scenario upon which we are about to embark, dread lord'.
'Excellent!' replies the emir. 'Excellent! So, what might be our objectives? It is probably wise for us to attach some purpose or other to this funsome frolic'.
'My thoughts exactly, lord. I've taken the liberty, your Welshcakeness, of drawing up a list of things that we should pinch from the locals'.
'A list of objectives?' asks Rhoddri pasha. 'I'm not sure I approve: as pirates, should we be constrained by the tight corset of lists? Shouldn't we instead let ourselves roam free in the, ah, negligee of free choice? Fewer defined objectives, and more, oooh, parrots, plunder, and, er ... rhubarb'.
'Rhubarb is exactly the problem, my lord', replies Huseyin. 'In our last application of such a philosophy to an exercise in plunder, we scored much less in terms of gold, jewels, and slaves that we should have'.
'What did we get?' asks the emir.
'Well, dread lord, rhubarb, obviously; ladies clothing, mainly in larger sizes; a garlic press; two kittens; and a trumpet'.
'Disappointing' admits the emir.
'Especially for the men, my lord. Who knew that kittens couldn't play trumpets? So, I have this time written down a list of objectives. The more we obtain, the more successful we will have been.'

'Excellent', replies Rhoddri. 'So what's on our shopping list then, Huseyin, my fine and forward thinking subordinate?'
Huseyin reads from a scrap of parchment. 'Some sheep'.
'Excellent, Huseyin'.
'A barn, the burning of'.
'Good.'
'Some haystacks.'
'Do we need needles?'
'Ha, ha, sir - very good. No: two haystacks, the burning of'.
'Marvellous'.
'Some barrels'.
'Oh yes'.
'Some more barrels, from a different place'.
'I like it'.
'And some locals'.
'Oooh, lovely'.
'That's it sir. The more we get, the more successful we can account ourselves. I presume that the enemy, should they deign to turn up, will have purpose to drive us off, but won't know exactly what our intentions are'.
'Excellent. But ... couldn't we add a small drum as well?'
'A drum?'
'Perhaps the kittens would like that better'.

As the pirates continue to drift into the vicinity, it is as well, dear reader, to check the rate of deployment of Baron Hunchmausen's defending troops. The baron, of course, is comporting himself with his usual efficiency (below), and it is fair to say that his zone of deployment is not overcrowded with Rotenburg soldiers. As more of the emir's maritime marauders appear, the Rotenberg troops  continue to remain conspicuous by their poorly dice-rolled absence.

(Below, at the top). More pirates have arrived, and we can also see the full, luxurious sweep of the river Zwei, the woodcut of which perhaps doesn't do it full justice; the river being more of slow flowing ribbon of glittering green-blue, than craply cut felt that won't lie properly. From this vista we can seen the bridge over the river Zwei. We can also see, in the top right, a small field full of sheep (for the stealing of); a small barn (for the burning of); and some haystacks (likewise, destined for kindling). The area as a whole sports several small areas of vegetation, and some strangely flat-topped protuberances, as do the two local peasants that can just be made out at the crossroads on the right. Near the bridge is a pile of barrels (for the stealing of). More are stored in the building nearby.

The emir halts, suddenly, and looks amongst his men. Binky, his pet monkey, is hitting him slowly but determinedly over the head with what looks a lot like a stick of rhubarb.
'Stop it, Binky. I thought, Huseyin, that you were deploying some cavalry.'
Huseyin nods. 'I thought so, your barabrithness. But it turned out, after some experimentation, that horses seemed to be tricky to control, sir; so our cavalry has dispensed with them'.
The emir frowns. 'Aren't horses generally considered integral to the concept of cavalry?'
Huseyin shrugs. 'I like to think that we have dispensed with the worst aspects of cavalry, such as the unreliability of horses, whilst still keeping some of the best elements - the restless energy; initiative; and manure'.
'How?'
'I have told our men to run faster'.
Rhoddri considers this, and then seems about to say something. Then, clearly thinking better of it, he simply says, 'Let's just see how that works out then, shall we. Now, let us about it: it is time to smash the enemy, and grab some loot!'

(Above, left) The early stages of the operation don't quite go to plan. One unit of the pirates tries to cross the stream, but just cannot seem to get a hang of the moving and crossing thing. Time passes, as the pirates seem unable to overcome the challenge of this modest aquatic barrier.
'What is going on?' asks the emir angrily.
'They're multi-tasking', says Huseyin gloomily.
'Pfft', says Rhoddri. 'If by multi-tasking, you mean doing several things badly at the same time, then I would agree.
Binky begins to 'eek' excitedly, He points to several groups of the pirates, and then seems to mime them running towards the barn and the small enclosure full of sheep.

Hueyin peers forward interestedly. 'It would seem, dread lord, that Binky might be trying to lay out a plan of attack for us'.

'Nonsense', says the emir. 'He just wants another go of the trumpet. Still ... it's not a bad idea. Make it so!'

Binky let's out an 'eek!' and bangs the emir on the head enthusiastically with his fruity drum stick.*

The Rotenburg response is certainly very relaxed (above). In fact, the dice and card gods relentlessly twist Muchhausen's tactical testicles, frustrating his attempts to deploy his men. The Rotenburg deployment area could be described as 'spartan' except that, at this stage, even some semi-naked greek hoplites from an earlier age would be an improvement. Still, the good about luck is that it tends to even out in the long run. Right?


* Which, just to be clear, is the rhubarb.