Gloria in Fugeret Vulgaria!

"Led by the mysterious Baron Hunchmausen, the enemy hussars began a concerted attempt to cut behind the flank of our infantry (below). Inspired also, no doubt, by the distant sight of our sheep and the floppy hopelessness of our accompanying pandurs, Hunchmausen's squadron prepared to increase their speed to a gallop, our position being everywhere vulnerable to a really good cavalry charge."

"This, of course, helped limit our vulnerability somewhat, since the chances of a really good cavalry charge being launched by any Mittelheim horsemen are somewhat lower than King Wilhelm's self-control in a room full of bosom-shaped custards. Moreover, displaying a quite remarkable element of initiative, Prince Brad ordered his infantry to about face and attack the hussars with the bayonet (below). The energy of our musketeers was matched by that of their commanding officer, Prince Brad being seen to jump vigorously up and down and shout 'Charge men! Charge to a terrible defeat and a miserable outcome!'"
Prince Dimitri waves his hand, trying to silence some duelling clarinets. 'Ah - a masterful attempt at reverse psychology, eh?'

'No,' replies Count von Loon, 'actually it was at that point rather a statement of fact. (Below, left) Alas, the hussars put up too vigorous a resistance, what with them standing and facing towards our musketeers and raising their voices slighty and waving their swords around a bit. As General Rentall's report concludes: "Our infantry were driven back onto the hill. Captain Meyer-Fleischwund was heard valiantly rallying our men, whilst Prince Brad declared despairingly: 'Ha, ha, ha, ha: you're all going to die, you flaccid Vulgarian poltroons!'"

'Flaccid?' asks Dimitri. 'That's rather insulting.'
'But also, my lord, at that stage probably another fair statement of fact. Still, the situation was rescued, by all accounts, through the intervention of Throte's Horse (above right). "Seeing the discomforture of our infantry, Captain von Throte committed his men against the enemy hussars. Having cuirasses, heavy horses, and being trained for just this sort of tussle against men in silly hats, Throte's troops rode down the enemy after a sharp and brutal action. No sign was then seen, however, of the enemy commander, the mysterious Baron Hunchmausen. At this point, Prince Brad was heard to cry triumphantly 'Useless! Useless Vulgarians! I can't even expect you to lose when you're supposed to. That's it - everyone retreat! Flee the battle! Concede the field to the enemy! Throw aside your weapons! Scream hopelessly! Place your thumbs in your mouths and waddle rearwards!' This our troops did, running so fast that it proved impossible for the enemy to catch them. And so ended the battle. Here ends my report. I remain, sir, General Hertz van Rental etc etc. P.S. please send me some more stockings."'

Loon lowers the report.
'Um.' says Dimitri, crestfallen. 'So our troops actually were defeated?'
Loon shrugs. 'Only in a physical and psychological sense, my lord. In terms of the key metric of victory in modern war, by which I mean sheep, it was a solid success.'
'Well, then,' cries the Prince. 'Hurrah to that! Send forth messages to our people! Let the world know of our triumph! And wake Lola up as well - those clarinets have given me an idea!'

xXx

In Gross Schnitzelring, Vlad IX, erstwhile Baron of Herzo-Carpathia wrinkles his brow. 'And you're sure of this news?'
Count Matthias von Sachsenblaus, Gelderland's Minister for War and Strudels, nods. 'The reports are everywhere, baron.'
'So - my son was involved in the enemy victory?'
'Yes my lord. Actually, he was in command.'
'In command?'
'Very much so, my lord. He issued orders. He was in the thick of the fighting.'
'Are you sure he wasn't just running off and that it just looked like he was in the thick of the fighting?'
'No, no, my lord: I am assured that he was a very paragon of soldierly virtue.'
'And you're sure it was him?'
'I think so, sir.'
'Because he has such bland features, it could have been anyone ... '
'No sir. He was instrumental to the Vulgarian success. He gave the decisive order for the Vulgarian army to run off.'
'Well, well. A chip off the old block.'
'Yes sir. Which is ironic, given that you named him after a tree. Of course, since he commanded the enemy forces, he lost the battle for our side.'

Vlad shrugs. 'Hmmmm, so he's a work in progress. Well, this is a new feeling.'
'That might be the prunes. Should I call for the physician again, baron?'
'No, no: I mean Sachsenblaus, that when I think of my son at this moment, I don't feel an urgent desire to have him executed - I feel only a mild and general disappointment. Could this be fatherly pride?'
'As a father myself, baron, I'd say it was possible. Though I'd still say there's also a strong chance that it's the prunes.'