Gloria in Pastillus Vulgaria!

'Wait, my lords! Wait!' shouts a chubby servant, bursting through the door.
Von Loon claps delightedly. 'Excellent! Excellent!'
'What's this?' asks Prince Dimitri.
The servant hands Loon a thick bundle of papers. 'My lord,' replies Loon. 'Realising that we had no first hand woodcuttings of the actions at Donaukerbad, I took it upon myself to commission a local artist to complete some illustrations inspired by the battle report and, where appropriate, by his imagination. By a stroke of luck he has completed them in the very nick of time!'
'Well, that is splendid,' says Dimitri rubbing his hands. 'Now we have music and pictures! If those woodcuts contain some inappropriate nudity and some clever visual jokes involving the rude application of cucumbers, then this really could be my perfect evening!'
'Well, my lord, I don't think that you should get your hopes up because ... oh, hang on.' Loon peers at some of the pictures and then recoils, alarmed. 'On the other hand, my lord, you might well be in luck. But I think you'll need a stiff drink.'
The Prince gestures. 'Save those for later - let's have the report, along with the other wood cuts: whittle them down so that we only have to look at the best.'
'Of course, sir', says Loon. 'I'll just remove those that have too many ... pixies,' he says, removing a fat sheaf of papers; 'and also those with ... giant pigs, probably,' he removes another portion of the pictures; 'and also those that contain ... armadillos, possibly,' he removes most of the remainder. Von Loon sighs. 'I think, my Prince, that it's fair to say that the artist might have focused on a balance between fact and imagination weighted in a way that I had not, perhaps, anticipated. Still, let us commence.' Loon takes a deep breath, and begins ...

'Our forces comprised three elements, and I shall begin with the report of the activities of our left wing. These forces comprised (above) one company of Croat mercenaries and three companies, the 5th, 6th, and 7th, drawn from the Regiment Blasco. These troops were under the command of Major Rupprecht von Koch and Captain Willi Spanck.
'Ah,' interrupts the Prince. 'Major Koch. No doubt a brave, educated, subtle leader; well-versed in the ways of Enlightenment warfare.'
'Yes,' replies Loon. 'He's brave, very brave.'
Loon then continues. 'The Croats, more enthusiastic about sheep than was perhaps warranted by their status as tasty food, were detailed to cross into the environs of Schloss Donaukerbad and requisition there the livestock that were believed to be present. Of the reminder of the force, the 5th company was detailed to move forward to cover the main possible line of enemy advance. The remaining two companies were held in reserve. (Below) Soon, movement to our front indicated the arrival of enemy forces.

These were quickly identified as four companies of freibattalion infantry from the Margravate of Wurstburp. It was known that these forces were under the command of one Sigbert Clemens von Mausfahrt, colonel in the Wurstburp army.'
'It was known?' asks Dimitri.
'Oh yes,' says Loon. 'The report notes that General van Rentall obtained a complete set of the enemy's orders thanks to the operation of our intelligence network.'
'Our intelligence network?' enquires the Prince, evincing the predictable Mittelheim scepticism at any tale of efficient military staff work.
'Well, a Wurstburp staff officer sold a local tavern wench a complete transcript of their orders for two pints of ale. We bought them off her for a mop and a fruit pie.'
'A fruit pie?'
'I know sir - we were diddled: but I wasn't there to ensure that we got the proper value. Still, though we were a fruit pie down, we did at least have the enemy orders.'
'Isn't that very, very useful?'
'In Prussia, where they tend to obey orders, perhaps so. In Mittelheim, my lord, not so much. But still, we did get as much of an understanding of the enemy order of battle as they had. Which is to say, a rather general and hazy one.'
Dimitri nods. 'Fair enough: continue.'
(Below) 'At this point, there began a general fire along the line, with 5th company engaging two companies of enemy freibattalion in a duel of musketry.'

'But weren't our troops outnumbered?' cries the Prince. 'By at least ...' Dimitri's brow furrows, ' ... by at least ... four to one?'
'That is so, my lord. But our troops were regulars. The enemy, however, were merely volunteers: and a volunteer in Mittelheim, as we know, is certainly drunk, and probably also unconscious.'

 'How very exciting!' cries the Prince. In the background, the orchestra reaches a dramatic crescendo, an event that sounds not entirely unlike the noise that might be made by a moderately sized herd of cattle, if they were trapped in a large shed with an impressive acoustic echo, and they were suffering from the onset of an acute bout of digestive trouble.
'And the enemy were driven from the field in disorder,' shouts Dimitri, 'crushed by the weight of musketry from my brave soldiers?'
'Well,' says Loon, gesturing philosophically, 'let's see shall we ...'