Gloria in Gemma Corona Vulgaria!

'"Run!" shouted the men of the Fifth Company of the Regiment Blasco. "Hasten! Hurry! Scamper! Bolt! Flee! Fly! Escape!"'. Count Arnim von Loon pauses. 'So you can see, sir, that it was, alas, a really very comprehensive retreat by Major Koch's lead element.'
'Depressing', sighs Prince Dimitri Feratu und Osterberg. 'But at the same time, not wholly unexpected. It does seem, my good count, that from the fruit bowl that is Mittelheim soldiery, we do seem to have chosen a superabundance of lemons.'
'Sadly true, my Prince,' replies the Count. 'Still, as the report goes on to note, though one company was soon in flight, the Major was able to order up his remaining two companies and thus seal off the enemy advance' (Below).

 'Really?' asks Dimitri.
'Oh yes, sir. It says here: "Though one company was soon in flight, the Major was able to order up his remaining two companies and seal off the enemy advance". The report then goes on to say: "With the Sixth and Seventh companies formed into line, there followed an extended period of stalemate, in which both sides fired occasional volleys. In the intervals, our troops goaded the enemy: hurling oaths upon them, questioning their parentage, waggling at them various bodily appendages, casting aspersions upon their ability to organise alcholic frivolity in an establishment for the production of fortified beverages, and mocking their mistaken apprehensions as to what might comprise the most credible theoretical basis for the analysis of international relations.'
'That sounds ... rather highbrow', replies Dimitri with surprise.
'I suspect, sir, that that would be the influence of Captain Spank. He is reportedly a most learned officer, and spends most weekday nights with his nose in one book or another.'
'Hmmm', says the Prince. 'With a name like "Captain Spank", one might presume that his evenings might be occupied with other sorts of activities.'
'Well, sir,' says Loon reflectively, 'I suppose he still has his weekends. Alas, however, it would seem that Kock's position on the left then began to crumble.' (Below)

Loon continues. 'Sadly, it would seems that the enemy freibatalion had rather more vim and vigour than one might normally expect from such a slovenly band of quasi-irregulars. Their fire became disconcertingly accurate and our troops began to waver. Then, just when our troops most required the application of some strong leadership, or at least some suitably uplifting threats to reduce measurably their time on earth,  a most unfortunate incident occurred. An enemy musket ball struck Major Kock in his *cough* unmentionables.'
The Prince frowns. 'His *cough* unmentionables?'
'Yes, sir, you know ...,' Loon points downwards.
'No, not really, because you seem explicitly intent on not mentioning them.'
'You know,' Loon gestures. 'His gentlemen's ... parts.'
'Oh ... I see.' Dimitri looks suitably sympathetic. 'Well, that would be quite a shock. I suspect that, given Major Koch's name, that his um ... crown jewels ... were quite a large target.'
Loon shakes his head. 'Au contraire, my lord. In yet another example of those strange ironies that persist in Mittelheim, if the Major's ... fruit and vegetables had indeed been crown jewels, then they would have been those of a rather small and poverty-stricken monarchy from eastern Europe. Anyway he fled the battle on his horse, and our remaining musketeers followed.'
'So our left was broken and we lost?'
'Well sir, yes and no.'

(Above) Loon gestures. 'Because, whilst the Croats thus far had made a contribution to the battle as timely and effective as something that was very ineffective and not at all timely, they are very good with livestock and furniture. So, whilst all of our regular troops ran off, the Croats did, whilst everyone ignored them, succeed on the left in obtaining our key objectives, which was two flocks of sheep, as well as a reportedly lovely little side table which one of the men wanted to marry. As the report notes, "With our primary objectives achieved on the left flank, our forces conducted a skillful withdrawal in the face of the enemy. Major Kock valiantly led the withdrawal, motivating his men with cries of 'Bloody Hell! Find me a physician! Keep the swelling but get me something for the pain!"'
'Hurrah!' cries Dimitri. 'Less musketeers, more sheep - that seems to be the route to victory. And were our forces in the centre and on the right equally as wildly successful as Major Kock?'
'Well sir,' says Loon. 'Let me read you the next part of the report ...'