Wherein the army of the Sanjak of Zenta under Captain-General Taras Bulbous encounters the forces of the Margravate of Badwurst-Wurstburp, commanded by General Bazyli Antonin Unpronunski .
We stand, gentle reader, in the Kingdom of Gelderland, somewhere to the northeast, and in the environs of the hill known locally as the Groeninghumpe. It is not a happy place. It is in Gelderland, for starters; and so it is inevitably, much to the disappointment of all who live there, also in Mittelheim. Other reasons to be unhappy would include the poor state of the local schools, and also the presence of the army of the Margravate of Wurstburp. The latter has been ravaging the local countryside for days, although the former means that most of the locals can't write to anyone to tell them about it.
The Wurstburp army is by reputation and also, you know, in fact, the worst army in Mittelheim. Its incompetence extends even into its ravaging of innocent civilians. Since the Gelderlanders cannot understand what the ex-Jacobite Wurstburpers are saying, and because none of the locals are named 'Jimmy', the Margravial army has proved singularly unable to extract anything useful by their threats and bullying.
For both the Wurstburpers and the Gelderlanders, circumstances have declined even further. Approaching from the south (above, right hand of the table) are Gelderland's allies, the army of Zenta. These are allies only in the loosest sense, and their loyalty to the local Gelderlanders only really extends to those parts of the day when the Zentans are asleep and need someone to give them a wake up call. At other times, the troops of the Sanjak inflict a second ravaging on the local civilians. The is much more thorough than that inflicted by the Wurstburpers because the lamentable state of the economy in Zenta makes virtually anything anywhere else worth carrying off: wood, straw, false teeth, elderly relatives, or recently buried corpses.
(Below) Faced with the approaching enemy, the Wurstburp commander, General Unpronunski, decides he must deploy his army, even though the accumulation of past experience seems to indicate that this won't help very much.
(Above) The infantry are deployed upon the Groeninghumpe, which is also the objective for this battle. The artillery are deployed upon Little Groeninghumpe; and the cavalry far, far away in the distance. There then commences a process of what some might describe as 'dicking about' but which in Mittelheim is known as 'tactics'. The consequence is that Unpronunski decides that his line is too far extended and his guns too vulnerable upon the hill.
(Above) The original position of the Wurstburp cavalry. On reflection, this placement seems to Unpronunski to be rather exposed and probably reliant on the prospect of having to fight successfully. This is far too brave a deployment, what with it implying that the Wurstburp horse might be able to take on the enemy without any support.
(Above) Equally, the initial deployment of the artillery seems rather ambitious, based as it seems to be on the assumption that artillery fire will have any effect at all on advancing enemy troops. Unpronunski decides that it might be best to hide them amongst the defending infantry and pretend that they aren't there.
(Above) The guns, therefore, are moved and included in the infantry line. They are not dug in since Unpronunski recognises that they may need to move forwards later. Or indeed backwards.
(Above) And so, the final Wurstburp deployment takes place along a rather shorter line. The cavalry are on Little Groeninghumpe, and the artillery jostle uncomfortably among the elbows of the Wurstburp foot.
(Below) Unpronunski (in red) is with Prince Karl von Porckenstauffen (horsed). Karl, known as Bunnie Prince Karlie, because of his buck teeth, is heir to the Margravial seat, as well as most of the other furniture as well. The general's plan is based upon the very reasonable assumption that his highland troops are poor shots, but pretty handy in a hand-to-hand fight, especially against the slack-jawed irregular weasels that compose the bulk of the Zentan troops. Closing rapidly with the enemy will be the basis upon which he plans to win this battle.
Alas for the Wurstburpers, it turns out there is rather more forest than was originally anticipated; a predictable consequence when no one can remember the rules. New copses, hitherto unnoticed, suddenly spring into view near the Wurstburp line. But that's war in Mittelheim for you.
Across the field of battle, the Zentan hordes begin a process that in other armies would be known as 'deployment', but which actually looks more like 'seepage'. Under the watchful eye of their Wurstburp enemy, the Zentan commander, Taras Bulbous encourages his troops to move to positions that, broadly, seem to face their enemy ...
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