With These Chocolates You Are Really Foiling Us!

The trumpeters are at it again. There is a blare of horns, and then both cry out 'Tremble and despair, mortals! Behold, Hospodar Casimir: the Shadow of God, God's Umbrella and Also Possibly His Hat!'

There is a pause. A head pokes itself hesitantly around the door. It is the Bachscuttel ambassador, Ritter von Dweeb. 

'Ah, ambassador - I suspect that you are wondering why we have summoned you here' says Radu Pasha. Two days have passed, and Ritter von Dweeb has finally been induced to appear and present his credentials.

Dweeb steps into the harem and looks around nervously, a sheen of sweat on his face. 'I did wonder why. Because I haven't managed to fill in the paperwork correctly yet to apply formally for a meeting. My .. ah ...my dog ate the forms'.

'Your dog must be getting quite full of such forms by now', says Radu.

Dweeb nods distractedly, glancing furtively around. He seems to relax slightly when he realises that there are, as yet, no immediate signs of any such instruments of torture as hot coals, branding tools, pliers, or English food.

Radu pasha gestures to one of the eunuchs who appears with a tray covered in a pyramid of golden objects. 'The ambassador has provided us with some sweetmeats, my lord. They look all golden. I'm sure that they are delicious'.

'Do try them, my lord', says Dweeb. 'They have been made especially'.

Hospodar Casimir nods. 'Well, you know, I think that I shall'.

There is a moment of silence. Casimir looks at Radu and raises an eyebrow.

'Oh yes, of course, of course, Dread Lord', says Radu hurriedly, 'I should try one first'.

Radu looks speculatively at one of the golden chocolates, and then pops it into his mouth. Before Dweeb can say anything he chews vigorously.

'Aaaak! Aaaaak!' he squawks. 'Eees 'ocolates are orrigle! Aaaak! Aaaak!'

Casimir nods. 'Horrible? Slave Radu, by their look I think that the gold is some kind of foil wrapping. You need to remove it first'.

'Oh. Oh, 'es', says Radu exploring the contents of his mouth with his tongue. 'I 'eed oo sit it at'.

'Well, go on and spit it out then', says Casimir.

Radu looks around. He briefly contemplates the pool but rejects it. He then starts to panic - he isn't sure that there isn't an explicit rule about gobbing half-masticated sweetmeats onto the floor of the harem,* but he is willing to bet that the Hospodar would probably find one if he did.

He looks at Dweeb and gestures. 'Or 'at - I eed or 'at.'

'You need, what? Oh, you need my ... hat?'

''Ive it 'ere'.

Dweeb looks on horrified as Radu takes his hat, deposits the chocolate into it and then hands it back.

The ambassador bows, thanking Radu politely, before contemplating the effect on his very expensive headwear. He sadly tucks it back under his arm, judging that it would be politically inexpedient to punch the Zentan vizier in the face, shove his staff right up his nose, and kick him mightily in his dangley tassels.

Casimir meanwhile is already tucking into the sweetmeats.

'Not bad, not bad' he says. 'With these chocolates you are moderately spoiling us'.

Casimir catches Radu's eye. Radu coughs and then gestures to Dweeb. 'Ah, er, ambassador. Before the Dread Lord Casimir deigns to engage you directly in conversation, you must just wait over there for a minute, out of ear-shot. The hospodar and I must discuss a recently arrived and very secret letter that contains secret and recently arrived ... things'.

Dweeb bows and wanders away (above). As he contemplates the harem's decor, the vizier talks to the hospodar in loud pantomime tones, Radu clearly enunciating such words as 'conspiracy', 'Fenwick', 'absolute secret','must not fall into anyone else's hands ever', and 'ever, ever, ever, ever, ever'.

'You may return, ambassador' says Radu finally, gesturing.

As Radu turns, a letter falls from Radu's grasp and floats downwards, ending up just by Dweeb's foot (above). Dweeb freezes, and then glances around. No one appears to be looking ... He weighs up the chances of getting caught purloining the document against the chance of an intelligence coup that might get him promoted out this ambassadorial role. This mainly involves weighing up the chances of immediate torture versus the much larger number of chances of more torture spread over a longer period of time. Furtively he drops his hat over the document and then, as he bends down to pick up his hat, he also scoops up the letter, which in the process becomes quite chocolatey...

xXx

The audience finishes. As soon as Dweeb has left, Radu bows to the hospodar.

'Well, my lord - he took it'.

'Yes, he did, slave. Let us see what happens when our "secret information" is revealed in Bachscuttel!' Casimir pauses. 'The Bachscuttel leader ... you're certain that he can read?'

Radu nods. 'Oh yes'. He considers this further. 'At least, I'm certain that somebody there can'.

*In Fenwick, of course, there are strict rules against the use of the word 'masticated', half or otherwise.