Zenta Letter!

Now, dear reader, our focus turns to events in the Sanjak of Zenta. Some general background to this area of Mittelheim has already been discussed in this humble publication, as well as a few more details on its nefarious links to Rotenburg. But our concern is rather more specific - it is with the palace of Hospodar Casimir, and that locale known as the harem. The hospodar is technically an Orthodox Christian. But he is technically Christian in the same way that, technically, he rules according to the law.* In this vein, he has actually modelled his court along the lines of Ottoman custom: or rather, the customs that he likes. On this afternoon, Casimir is holding court in the harem (below). In Turkish, harem simply means "private", although in Zentan, it could also be loosely translated as "get your hands off, you dirty pervert". Casimir likes to hold his council meetings here; at least when his wife, Roxanne, is out shopping. 

With the crude cultural stereotyping so typical of europeans, it would no doubt be thought that the harem is a den of oriental debauchery, where sweaty nakedness and unchristan acts of carnal satisfaction take place all day, every day; or for at least as long as the participants can bear the chafing. But this would not be true. Such things take place only on Thursday mornings after 11. On Mondays,  for example, the pool is used for under-sevens' swimming. And on Tuesdays, the harem is the location of a usually well-attended coffee morning -  although, to be fair, this mainly involves all the activities of a Thursday, but with the addition of hot beverages.

Casimir's careful cogitation is rudely interrupted, as the doors fly open, and his ceremonial trumpeters announce the arrival of a visitor (Above). Casimir winces at the noise. It is Casimir's vizier, Radu Pasha (below). Radu bows low and approaches.'You seem tired, Dread Lord', says the pasha. After several years as vizier, Radu has learnt to become sensitive to the hospodar's moods. Radu recognised early on that Casimir was that worst kind of bloodthirsty psychopath - the sort that was intelligent and intermittently quite nice. Staying on the right side of the hospodar Radu decided was important, especially if he wished to continue to perform such important tasks as providing advice, and staying alive. In fact, Radu actually has great respect for Casimir. The hospodar may indeed often be violent, bloodthirsty, and judgemental; but balance and open mindedness won’t get one far in Zenta. Politics in the sanjak is like a knife fight in a water closet. One doesn’t survive as hospodar for as long as Casimir has by fairness and "seeing both sides of things": unless, of course, by "seeing both sides", we 
mean having an opponent sawn down the middle and then looking at the results.

'You have a hangover, Dread Lord?' asks Radu solicitously.
'In a manner of speaking, slave Radu', replies Casimir. 'The hangings over-ran, so I really didn't get to bed early enough'.
'Did you hang them all, Awful One?' asks Radu. 'I thought that you intended to release some of them because there was no evidence against them?' 
'Yes, but then I decided that the gurgling noises would improve my mood', replies Casimir. 'Besides which, slave, evidence or not, they were all guilty. This is Zenta. Almost everyone here is either actively plotting against me or plotting to have a plot. Ask any random subject of mine if they want to do some plotting against me, and I know that, rather than saying "Nay, nay, let me not betray my lord, where is my honour", they would say instead something like "How much does it pay and what are the hours like?" 
'But, Dread Lord, if being more discriminating with prisoners would help to get you to bed earlier ...'
'How long have you known me, slave Radu?'
'Four years, Dread Lord', replies the pasha. 'The happiest and most rewarding of my life', he adds quickly.
'And how would you characterise me?'
'Well, Dread Lord, aaah ... oooh ... it's so difficult to ... to put into words'.
'Come on - it's not a trick question', says Casimir, a sure sign that it is probably a trick question.
'Well, Aweful One, I would say that you are a sovereign who, when it comes to making omelettes, understands that one needs to break a few eggs'.
'Yes, breaking eggs is necessary. And also boiling them, skinning them, hammering them, and then displaying the results for several days at strategic points throughout the Sanjak. Anything less than disproportionate and indiscriminate violence I think my subjects would see as weakness and a sign that I was mellowing'.

Casimir yawns. Radu waits patiently. 'On the subject of hangings', says Casimir, 'I haven't yet seen a sight of the new ambassador from Bachscuttel'.
'No, Magnificant One. He arrived last week; but he is the most reluctant applicant for an audience in court that I have seen for some time. He goes through the motions of applying to see you, but he keeps losing the paperwork, apparently. He has also made the point that he is undoubtedly the most boring man in Bachscuttel, and that no sane ruler would want to talk to him, and he says that it is likely, anyway, that he is suffering from the plague, or something worse'.
'That's a shame', replies the hospodar. 'I'll wager that breast and back plate of his might heat up nicely'.

'Anyway', adds Casimir, looking at Radu, 'I suspect that this polite preliminary circling of the issues means that there might be some bad news in the offing?'
Radu nods and gulps. 'We have been sent a letter, Terrible One. From the Sublime Port'.



* The sanjak tends to work according to the principles of cutomary law - that is, things are lawful if the hospodar customarily likes to do them.