Bedlam!

In Fort Pippin, the governor has called an emergency meeting of the men that he trusts. This, therefore, is quite a small meeting: less a meeting, really, and more of a moment of self-reflection. However, since he cannot do everything himself, he has been forced to invite Colonel Entendre and a certain Herr Lippe, the mayor.
'Herr Lippe, report on the current conditons in the town', Schroedinger says at once.
The mayor nods. 'Many of the peasantry have expired, sir. And many others are very ill. On the downside, those with money have been engaging in damaging levels of panic stockpiling'.
Schroedinger frowns. 'What, stockpiling food? But how? We have all stores of remaining condiments under lock and key - the distribution  is carefully rationed'.
'No, my lord', replies Lippe. 'Not purchases of food - rather, the panic purchasing of britches'.
Entendre snorts. 'People are stocking up on trousers?'
'Indeed, colonel', replies the major.

The governor shalkes his head. 'Madness! Sheer bleach-injecting madness! But why? What possible use could a large pile of britches be in the current dire circumstances?'
Lippe shrugs. 'It seems, sir, that many take them to be some kind of defence against the plague!'
'But how?', interjects the colonel. 'How could that possiblly be the case?'
'Well, sir', replies Lippe, 'to be fair - how many victims of the plague have you seen wearing britches?'
'Yes', says Schroedinger,  'but that's because people tend to be in their in beds, ill! Of course they aren’t wearing trousers. That would be like saying that, because people who are ill tend to be in bed, that beds are a major source of plague!'
Lippe nods. 'I refer you, my lord, to item four on the agenda - the shortage of beds; and also item five, the strange outbreak of fires involving furniture germaine to agenda item four'.
'So beds now cause the plague as well'. says the governor in exasperation.
Fearing for his temper and his sanity, he excuses himself for a moment.

Seeking the air, the governor takes a few steps out on to the balcony. With a curfew now in operation to save the lives of the citizens, the square below is, naturally, packed with people. Sadly, his balcony seems to be at a slightly different scale to his body and so it is a lot smaller than he expected. Unable actually to fit on it,  he goes back inside. He returns in the middle of an animated conversation.

'What about chaise longues?' Entendre is asking Lippe. 'Are they beds, and so a health concern, or are they chairs and thus safe? And bunk beds - they must be like four-legged death pits!'
'I couldn't comment', says the mayor, 'not being a health professional and all. But we certainly need to do something about the shortage of britches. We can't have people going out without trousers on. This is Fenwick. Even with underwear still on, such a situation is likely to result in the proliferation of the illegal use of such words as "bulge", "wobbly", and "crease". The hoarding of britches could cause a rebellion worse even than the Thirty Years War'.
'Are you sure?' says the governor. 'Because that was quite a bad war as wars go'.
'Believe me, sir' replies the mayor. This is Fenwick. I was there in Camberwick Green in '47 when Prince Joachim's codpiece fell off. It took days to restore order. And even longer to find someone that could safely pick up the codpiece'.

Later, Entendre and the governor repair upstairs.
'This is nice and roomy' says Entendre. 'But also lacking strangely in furniture'.
'Yes', says Schroedinger. 'There is furniture, but it seems oddly two-dimensional'.
'That must make it difficult to sit down', replies the colonel.
'Yes, but it helps with the cleaning. Now, tell me the latest news on the enemy forces'.
'Well, sir - it might be time to break out the champagne; or, depending upon what we have left, the pickled onions and napkins. For the plague has had a pleasantly terrible effect upon our hated adversaries'.
'The nuns?', asks Schroedinger
'Nay sir', replies Entendre. 'The army of the coalition of the Spasmodic Sanction - the enemy besieging us'.
'Do tell, colonel!' says the governor. 'Do tell! What is going on in the enemy camp?'