It's the Fort that Counts!

'Well, well, well, laddie,' says major Dougal Entendre. 'Who'd have thought it?'
The major looks down from his position high upon a freshly constructed bastion. He takes a bite from his lunch, which he holds in his hand. 'Sanitaire, my fine loon, what do yer think?'
'I have to say, it looks delicious,' replies major Gordon Sanitaire. 'Cheese, smoked ham, mustard between two slices of bread: I can't understand why anyone hasn't yet invented a name for it.'
'No, no, no - not my lunch. Yev to look at this!' He points to the enormous artillery fortification upon which they are both standing. 'I am, truth to be telt, a little surprised.'
'Yes,' replies Sanitaire, kicking the bastion gingerly. 'I'm also surprised. And a little concerned.' He pushes one of the stone crenellations. 'It feels like that meeting with had with Emperor George's aged mother: I'm worried about putting my hands anywhere in case something falls off.'
'No, no,' says Entendre. 'It all seems to be very much in order.' He turns to his nephew, lieutenant Peter Pois. 'Nephew, I must congratulate yer on the surprising alacrity with which yev constructed this defensive bastion.'

Pois nods, thoughtfully. 'Well, we were, I suppose, well motivated.'
Sanitaire chuckles. 'Och, yes - the wheelbarrow.'
Pois shakes his head. 'No, not so much. It was when we broke the wheelbarrow and realised that all that was left was a hay wagon that I think that we really began to focus our efforts.'
'Well, laddie,' replies Entendre. 'Yev made a good fist of things after all.'
'It took a lot of rulers, uncle,' says Pois. 'Also, luckily, it turned out that these workmen had a general familiarity with work of this sort and were able to improvise on those areas in which I was hazy.'
Sanitaire smiles. 'Which areas were those?'
'Well,' replies Pois. 'The building bits. And those involving construction with stone. The work fellows were full of good ideas about the ways in which the traditional plans for building an artillery bastion might be improved.'
Entendre sucks his teeth. 'Improvements - actually, yes, on reflection I think that a ditch and perhaps some chevaux de frise might improve substantially the strength of these fortifications.'
'A ditch? Chevaux de frise,' nods Pois. 'Now you mention it, they certainly would have been useful additions. But no, I rather fancy that I meant other improvements.'
'Other improvements?' asks Entendre, the rising timbre of his voice indicating quite strongly to any who might be listening that he might not view such a use of Pois' initiative as a wholly good thing.
'Indeed, yes uncle. I for one would never have thought, for example, of adding a tap room and a small bar.'
'This bastion has its own ... tavern?' says Entendre, his tone similar to that of replying to the question of whether he would like to snort anchovies.
'Yes. And facilities for the playing of skittles.'
Entendre sighs. 'Nephew, you are dismissed. I need to talk to your workmen.' As Pois salutes smartly and departs, Sanitaire shrugs as if to say 'Engineer subalterns today, eh?'

'You fellows,' says Entendre, engaging some nearby workmen. 'You will immediately remove the tavern facilities from this bastion.'
The workmen look at one another. 'No sir, there ent no tavern wotsits here, sir.'

Another interjects. 'No sir, no need for it. Just joshing the lieutenant, we was.'
Entendre looks relieved. 'Excellent. We don't need additions to this position that don't add value.'
'Right, sir. But I thinks we has added some real value, what with our other additions.'
'Other additions?' asks the major suspiciously.
'We did some work on that Sans Souci house in Prussia.'
Entendre nods. 'Ah, then yer fellows with some skills in rococo decorative work?'
The workmen look confused. 'No, sir - least ways, there weren't no rocks or cocoa. We was mainly hired to work on the privies. But then it turned out there weren't any. So we came here looking for work.'
Entendre's eyes narrow. 'No skittle park, laddie?'.
'No, sir, no. Only fools would do that, sir. But we did add a small water closet though - that always adds to the re-sale value of any property. And we added some off-road parking for carriages. That's much in demand, that is.'.
'But we won't be selling this bastion.' says Entendre with rising ire.
'I thinks the lieutenant thinks he is, sir. Prime location; easy reach of the town; good schools - any gentleman with a family would be pleased to buy this place.'
'What? What!' stutters Entendre. 'What!'
The workmen chuckle.
'Just joshing you sir. No water closets or parking.' The men nod smiling. 'Anyway sir, we best be off.' They point into the interior of the fort.
'Where are you going?' asks Entendre.
'Knocking off, sir. Time for a quick pint or two.'