Pie Another Day!

Chamberlain Fecklenburg is attending Rupprecht at his breakfast. The prince seems to be about to consume an enormous pie sufficient to feed a family of twenty.

'Are you on a diet, my lord?' enquires the chamberlain.

'Indeed, Fecklenburg', replies Rupprecht. 'Indeed, I am. I have concluded that, since I as yet have no issue, I should be more careful with my health: at least until the succession is assured by an heir'.

'A wise, if surprising, conclusion, sire'.

The prince gestures to himself. 'My body is a temple, chamberlain'.

Fecklenburg nods. 'Then can I commend you, sire, on your very extensive outbuildings; and also the troop of monkeys that might well live in your belly-button. But you do not seem to be consuming your pie, my lord'.

Rupprecht nods, gloomily. 'I have a pie, Fecklenburg; but I don't appear to have a table to put it on. You couldn't come here and bend over could you?'

'Sire', says the chamberlain, shocked. 'Such a thing is surely beneath your chamberlain!'

'No: I think it would be above you, chamberlain, on your back'. He nods at the pie. 'Come now - you would not deny your prince?'

'My lord, there are important matters of state that need to be discussed!'

'But my breakfast is cooling rapidly! I like my pies like I like my women, Fecklenburg - hot!'

'And covered in gravy, sire?'

'No!' says the prince. He pauses. 'Not generally, at least'.

'My lord, if you might put aside your repast for a moment! Our Nabstrian allies have been defeated in their attempt to storm one of the Kurlandian border fortresses. This means that the Grand Duchess Catherine's army can remain in the field against us'.

'Which field? If it's a field far away from us, then we can just leave them there while we stay in the palace here. Unless it's a field with pigs in. Then, obviously, our state must annexe it!'

'My lord, it is a figure of speech - I mean that they are still actively campaigning against us'.

'But why? What have I ever done to annoy my neighbours, Fecklenburg? I am a gentle and placid man, who desires only to feel the gentle caress of peace ...'

'What have we done to annoy our neighbours, sire?' says Fecklenburg slightly incredulously, as he reaches to a bookcase, removing a volume. The prince doesn't seem to be listening.

' ... to rest amidst the ample bosoms of harmony; to rub my face in them; and then, to squeeze ... ouch!' The prince snorts as a large and heavy volume is plopped into his lap.

'My lord', says the chamberlain, 'here is an account of our foreign policy over the last thirteen years: it contains some clues, I think, as to why, if we are not the most hated country in Mittelheim, that's only because some of the inhabitants haven't met us yet'.

'But I think under my stewardship that we have been very measured in our policies; reflective; judicious ...'

'You might wish to skip the analysis of the substance of our foreign policy, my lord - it constitutes one short paragraph of chapter one - a chapter which, coincidently, consists of one short paragraph - and move onto chapter two: foreign policy failures'.

'Chapter two seems to take up the whole of the rest of the book ...'

'Indeed, sire. Also, you might also want to consult some of the entries in the Index, in particular entries under 'F' such as 'Failure', 'Farce', and 'Flatulent'; also 'B', for 'Battle', 'Buffoon', and 'Blubbery'. 

'Does it mention pigs?'

'Look under 'P' for 'policy''.

'Pigs seem to be the only entry under Policy'.

Fecklenburg shrugs resignedly.

'My lord, there seems every likelihood that our army will soon be engaged in a battle! If not Kurland, then, in all probability, Fenwick-Gelderland!'

'The army of Fenwick-Gelderland?' says Rupprecht, sounding concerned. 'But I do vaguely remember that their army is quite good'.

'The Spartans of Mittleheim, sire. In recent years, entirely unbeaten'.

'So how will we beat them, Chamberlain? Through bold manoeuvre?' 

'Bold manoeuvre? By General Barry-Eyland? Der Turtlekoenig? It seems unlikely'.

'Perhaps he could cheat? You know how he likes to invent new rules'.

'Well, obviously, he'll cheat, sire. But perhaps he needs something else in this hour of need?'

'He could cheat ... more?'

'Well, obviously he will cheat more, sire. But perhaps something else as well?'

'Oooh - I wonder what it could be?'