Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Three figures dressed in scarlet leap into the cathedral. The leader strikes an emphatic pose (below). 'Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!' declares the leader of the crimson-robed interlopers. 'Our chief weapon is surprise! Surprise and fear! Fear and surprise! Uh ... our two weapons are fear and surprise! And ruthless efficiency! Uh ... our three weapons, are fear and surprise and ruthless ...'

'Look, I'm a busy man. I don't have time for the whole sketch' says Baldwin in annoyance. 'What do you want? Why are you here?' He pauses. 'Is this your work?' he jabs his finger in the direction of the letter of complaint that Friar Knowledge has in his hand. The three inquisitors stride purposfully forwards, confronting the bishop. The leader gestures menacingly - it seems a fair bet that he isn't here to give Baldwin a bonus. 

(Below) Behind the leader, the two henchman hench menacingly. One seems to be carrying a scroll upon which, the bishop notices, there seems to be a list: as this is the inquisition, it probably isn't shopping. The other minion holds a pair of cushions - why he is doing so isn't immediately clear to the bishop: but, all in all, it is unlikely to be a good sign.

'I am Brother Michael!' declares the leader. 'And these are Brother Terrence!'

'They're both Brother Terrence?' asks Friar Conviction.

'It helps with the stationary budget', replies Michael.

'I know what you mean', replies Baldwin. 'But explain yourself! What possible reason could you have for being here and pointing your investigative efforts in our direction?' 

'You've been a naughty boy, Bishop Baldwin, 'and complaints have been made!'

'I have done nothing but my bishoply duty!' cries Baldwin. 'In the treatment of my flock, I have been nothing but fair ...'

'Well ...' says Friar Knowledge.

'Firm but fair', says Friar Conviction approvingly.

(Above) Brother Michael waggles an admonishing finger. 'Religious genocide, bishop - it's not a victimless crime'.

'Genocide - it's such a judgemental label' replies Baldwin. 'I see my recent activities more as an expression of religious boisterousness, or exhuberance. I really don't have time for something as expansive as religious genocide. I have so much else to do'.
'You sawed the feet off your Protestant parishioners. What label would you think was appropriate, Bishop Baldwin?' says Michael, playfully. 'And there have been complaints surrounding your Greek Orthodox population'.

'What, both of them?' says the Bishop. 'Why are they complaining? Everything will turn out fine for them - "For the Greek shall inherit the earth"'.

Michael frowns. 'Meek'.

'No, they're insufferable!' Friar Conviction waves his hammer. 'Removing their beards was the least that they deserved'.

'That would have been less problematic', says Michael. 'if you hadn't removed their beards through the expedient of removing their heads'.

'Now that wasn't my fault', replies Friar Conviction, swinging his hammer. 'It took a while for me to really get to grips with this beast!'

(Below) 'You've got nothing on me!' says Baldwin. 'Nothing but a few mobility-impaired Protestants and a couple of Greeks that have had a religiously sanctioned shortening.'

'Hmmm', says Michael. 'Brother Terrence, show him the picture'.

The Terrence in possession of the scroll unwinds its contents, revealing an intricate painting.

'What's this?' says Baldwin, peering at the scroll.
Michael points at a portion of the picture. 'I think you might recognise this ...'.
'No - is it an obscenely swollen turnip?'
'Oh, hang on' Michael takes the scroll and turns it the other way up. 'There you go, bishop ...'
'Oh. Oh, that'.
'Yes. Now, you might recognise this fellow ...'
'Bishop, isn't that you ...' pipes up Friar Knowledge.
Brother Michael nods. 'Yes, the milkmaids as it turned out had some quite detailed recollections of their night with you at ...'
Baldwin blanches. 'Indeed, yes but ...'
'I mean', continues Michael, pointing at one part of the picture, 'as a good christian I'm all for "turning the other cheek", but this puts rather a different spin on it ...'
The bishop gurgles hopelessly. 'Is that a...'
'Yes ...'
'With a ...'
'Alas for my eyesight, yes'.

Baldwin groans. 'I think I understand where this is going. I'm guessing that, somewhat ironically, the Holy See hasn't actually seen any of this, and that the source of this investigation lies with individuals rather closer to home. Individuals who, no doubt, are willing to look after your interests very well for doing this ...'
Brother Michael shrugs. 'What is good for us is good for the church; and what is good for the church of course is good for all. Now, as it turns out there is a way that you can avoid any official church scrutiny of your actions and also, at the same time, earn yourself a sizeable ... donation ... to a ... charitable actress of your choice. With no risk at all to you'.
'Just because I'm a bishop, why does everyone assume that I routinely talk to actresses?'says the bishop morosely. Baldwin ruminates for a while; then he sighs. 'Very well; like a deaf bat, I'm all ears ...'