'Who are those lassies?' asks Major Sanitaire.
'Those ladies', says the Governor, 'are nuns'.
'Are you sure, sir?' asks Sanitaire.
'They have wimples, major' replies Schroedinger firmly.
'Nuns with wimples', says Sanitaire, confused. 'But wouldn't that make them ... men?'
'Wimples, major', interjects Colonel Entendre, 'not winkles'.
'What's the difference?' asks the major.
The governor snorts. 'Well, Sanitaire, try standing in public with one in each hand, and I think that you'll soon find out'.
'They look a wee bit angry' says Entendre.
'Angry?' replies Schroedinger. 'It's fine. After all - they're nuns: placid, cerebral, other-worldly'.
(Below) 'Sisters!' says the governor warmly. 'What a pleasant surprise - for we had thought that ...'
'Holy balls!' shouts the lead nun. 'You’ve blown up our nunnery!'
The governor looks shocked: like the nun had just told him that she was his father. 'Sister! Your language!'
'Aye!' chips in Sanitaire. 'Where are the exes to censor yer profanities!'
'What XXXXXXX exes?' asks the belligerent nun.
'Thank goodness!' replies the major.
'My dear sisters!' says Schroedinger. 'How is it that you survived the blast?'
'We weren't XXXXXXX here!' pipes up another of the nuns. 'One of your XXXXXXX quartermasters XXXXXXX moved us.'
'Thank goodness!' says the governor. 'What excellent forethought on my part. Probably.'
'Yes', says the nun. 'You XXXXXXX well threw us out and moved in a bunch of XXXXXXX orphans'.
'Orphans?' says the governor in surprise, sensing that some probably unwelcome news is about to be revealed. 'The quartermaster moved in some orphans?'
'Yes!' replies the nun. 'But not big ones - a gaggle of XXXXXXX little ones'.
'Baby orphans' whispers Colonel Sanitaire, staring at the crater. 'Little orphan bairns. All blown up'. He then surreptitiously begins to check the soles of his boots.
'So what the XXXX are you you going to do!' demands a nun, belligerently. 'This is a disaster! Everything's gone: the nunnery! The money! The XXXXXXX soft furnishings!'
'And the orphans', says Entendre.
She pauses momentarily. 'Obviously. Yes. And the baby orphans. Obviously. But what the XXXX is going to sustain us in the coming days?'
'Well, sister', replies the governor. 'There's God's love, and ... such things, isn't there?'
The nun pauses. 'Obviously. Yes. And God's love. Obviously.'
'And prayer, contemplation and such good work as helping the town's poor and needy?' adds Major Sanitaire.
The nun pauses. 'Well yes, obviously. Those are a given. Obviously. But aside from those things, how the XXXXXXX XXXX are we going to survive?'
' I suppose', says Schroedinger cautiously, 'I suppose that I could look possibly at putting you up with me in the governor's palace ....'
'Excellent!' the nuns say happily. 'XXXXXXX excellent! We'll get our things and move in now!'
'Yes but ...' says the governor weakly. But he is already speaking to the backs of the nuns as they jog happily in the direction of Schroedinger's abode. 'Yes, but ...' he says again quietly.
There is a moment of silence.
'You'll be wanting to speak to the quartermasters, I suspect sir?' enquires Entendre.
'Oh yes', says the governor. 'Yes. Very XXXXXXX much so'.
Well, at least the nuns are all alright. Pippin looks like such a pleasant town in the Gelderland style. Tis a pity the whole town is likely to be a smoking ruin, along with the nunnery, by the end of this extended siege....
ReplyDeleteYes, although it should reduce the average price of accomodation. And also, its height.
ReplyDelete