A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Cathedral, the First!

On the perimeter of Schrote, two Gelderland sentries peer out into the gloom. To the southwest, the campfires of the enemy can be seen. Here, though, all seems peaceful. Suddenly, there is a noise to the front!

'Halt!' cry the sentries. 'Halt, or we'll shoot!'

A figure emerges from the dark. Why, it is no enemy raiding party but instead a winsome milkmaid!  

'Hello', replies the comely wench. 'It's my cow. It's just broken down back over there. I wonder if you two kind gentlemen could come with me and help fix it'.
One of the guards frowns. 'But we're on guard, young lass, and we're not supposed to leave here, on pain of some really quite vigorous punishment'.
'Hmmm', says the maid. 'If you help fix my cow, I'll let you watch me milk it'.
The sentries look at one another.
'Can we touch your bucket? ' says one.

'You don’t often see one as capacious as that', says the other.

'Help me with my cow and you can handle my bucket as much as you like', says the girl.

'We're in!' reply the two soldiers, in unison. 'What could go wrong?'

'What sort of cow is it?' says one of the sentries as they walk carefully in the dark.
'It's Frisian', says the maid.
'Well, that's your first problem, miss. Very unreliable they are. And getting parts - well, you just can't get the bells for them these days. Now, a lass like you is better off with a Simmental: smaller, easier to manoeuvre, and much more economical with the hay'.

The maid suddenly stops and faces the two.

'What's going on?' the sentries ask.

'You're going to get bonked', replies the girl.

'This evening just gets better and better!' reply the soldiers, enthusiastically.

At which point, Colonel Ziegler and Gefreiter Schultz, who have silently crept up behind, bonk the two unfortunate fellows over the head, rendering them unconscious.

'Excellent', whispers Ziegler. 'Well done Fraulein Karlotte. Stage one complete. Schulz, what's that I see?'

'I’ve got the horn, sir'.
'Well', says Ziegler, eyeing Karlotte, 'you’re only human. You don’t see a bucket like that every day'.
'No sir, The horn - I brought it. Just in case'.
Ziegler snorts. 'Did you envisage many circumstances, on a secret mission in which silence and stealth are critical, that would require you to blow a hunting horn?'
'I just thought it might be useful'.
'How?'
'Well, we might need to distract the guards, sir'.
'Distract them from guarding, you mean, by getting them to chase and shoot us?'
'Well no I …'
'If you’d warned me, Schulz, I’d have brought my cello. We could have played something. Because nothing says ‘we’re on a secret mission’ like giving the guards a really spirited rendition of Mozart’s Sonata in A Major'.

Schulz sighs, crestfallen.

'Now', says Ziegler, with energy, 'let's get the rest of the force up and push on towards the cathedral! I have a great feeling about this operation'.