Schwettinbad!

The town of Schwettingbad: a town that looks quite a lot like all of the other towns that have been invested by Vulgarian sieges. Thanks to the Vulgarian invasion, the local citizens have been subject to the barbaric oppression meted out by the ill-discipled, savage forces of occupation: in this case, the Bachscuttel garrison. 

There are few words in the German lanuage fit to describe the qualities of a Bachscuttel garrison regiment: a regiment composed of men (if 'men' is the right word to describe primates that no self-respecting chimpanzee would trust to run a tea party) not sufficiently competent to fill the ranks of the regulars. The standard set by the phrase 'not good enough to be a Bachscuttel regular' is sufficiently low that the Palatinate's military regulations find it necessary to state specifically that no garrison or invalid musketeer company should be allowed to contain squirrels or badgers - unless, that is, the latter are at least four feet tall. Sadly for the defensive strength of Bachscuttel strongholds, the restriction on recruiting squirrels and badgers does not specifically exclude a range of other woodland or domestic animals. Nor, to be honest, is the restriction on squirrels applied rigorously if they can demonstrate that they have large enough nuts.

(Above) The military governor of the town, Baron Friederich von Zwöllenglantz, has taken position in one of the bastions. From here he can best survey the developing field of battle. Next to him stand his two spies: Sister Molestus, and the Spanish rake and late confidant of King Wilhelm, Don Penguino de Pajero. What has led the former from her life of religious contemplation is difficult to say: perhaps she has tired of the hessian underwear, or weary of having fellow sisters trying to fiddle with her wimple. Don Pajero's presence is more explicable: sending him to a town that is about to be besieged is a pretty good way of preventing him from going elsewhere and being a nuisance.

Overall, the defenders comprise of four garrison regiments; four batteries of fortress guns; two heavy batteries; and one battery of light guns. Two companies of sappers ae also present, along with a company of miners. The dangers associated with having Don Pajero in the vicinty of any sort of miner probably explain the alacrity with which the troops are willing to dig holes that take them further away from the town, even if this also requires them to do so in close proximity to barrels of gunpowder.

(Above) The governor's best troops are a regiment of grenadiers. They are deployed in the town itself and behind the defences. Some may think that this is so that they can act as a reserve, being out of sight and range of the enemy guns. But it could also be that they are embarrassed to be seen in the vicinity of the other defending regiments.

As Zwöllenglantz considers his position ruefully, he can at least take solace from the fact that, on the evidence so far, the Vulgarians contribute to skillfully conducted siege operations in the same way that honey badgers constitute a safe and reliable form of child care ...