Speech!

The Grand Duchess is announced. There is an unenthusiastic smattering of claps and then obstinate silence from the assembled audience of notables. There is an atmosphere in the room: uncooperative; predatory even - the same sort of ambience that might attend an attempt by a penguin to extol the virtues of a vegetarian diet at a polar bears-only cooking club. Catherine clears her throat and then commences speaking.

'In the months since the unfortunate and unknown events that led to the death of my beloved husband ...'
'You had him strangled!' shouts out a voice from the back.
'And where our investigations have sadly still yet to unearth evidence of  the assault upon him ...' perseveres the Grand Duchess.
'You had him strangled here, at breakfast!' shouts someone else. 'We were all there!'
'... by an unknown assailant ...' continues Catherine.
'It was Borisov!' shouts another. 'We saw him do it. You said "Borisov, strangle him. Give that neck a good wringing!"'
'... and where unfounded allegations against me have been spread by unknown persons ...'
'Everyone here!' squawks a voice. 'We saw it! Hello! We were there!'
'... malefactors and miscreants, who will be garrotted as soon as I identify them ...'
'Yes, no one knows anything' says her audience, suddenly nodding. 'Not a thing, At all. It's quite a mystery'.
'... It has become evident that not all here support the new direction in which I wish to take our beloved country'.

'But', says Catherine, softening her voice and making conciliatory gestures with her hands, 'it is time to put the unfortunate events surrounding the manner of my ascension behind us. It is time that I, the first female ruler of Kurland, lead our beloved Grand Duchy into a new age of vigour! With your help, we shall make our country great again, and I shall become the most famous Catherine that Europe will ever know!'

One of the dignitaries puts his hand up. 'There is that other Catherine, my lady - you know, the wife of Czar Peter III of Russia. They do say that she has some metal'.

'Pah!' scoffs the Grand Duchess, bridling. 'Peter will reign for decades, and his witless wife will no doubt die as a nonentity! She will be Catherine the Utterly Mediocre, whereas I shall be Catherine the Great! Anyway, she isn't even a real Catherine - what is her actual name, Borisov?'

'Sophie of Anhalt-Zerbst, madame', says Count Borisov.

'Yes, that's right', says Catherine dismissively, 'Sofa of  Anal-Slurps'.

'Madame! Dignity!' cries Borisov. There is some grumbling amongst the audience. No ruler of the duchy has ever before had the temerity to use in public the word 'slurps'.

'Anyway ...' continues the Grand Duchess ...