Dignity!

' ... it is about dignity that I wish to speak! Dignity! Isn't that the issue? What dignity can we have as a peripheral power in the most peripheral place in Europe?' The Grand Duchess gestures dramatically, fixing the audience with her gaze. 'Don't you tire of never being able to visit other places in Europe for fear of having to admit where you come from? Don't you tire, if you do go, of conversations that never get past the question 'and where do you come from?' because your answer causes foreigners to laugh so much they rupture their corsets?'

There is much rueful nodding amongst the audience. Rather than admit to their true place of origin, many is the Mittelheimer abroad that has preferred to introduce themselves to locals as being Hessian, or Polish, or a Dundee fruitcake.

'Dignity! This is my objective! Let us put aside the tiresome debates between modernisers and traditionalists and unify behind my plan to get us out of Mittleheim!' There is silence from the audience: but this seems more interested and less hostile than hitherto.

'But', pipes up one in the audience. 'But ... aren't there certain ... geographical realities to  our being Mittelheimers such as ... ah ... being geographically in Mittelheim?'

Catherine waves expansively to her audience. 'Not, gentleman and ladies, if I conquer all of Mittelheim and then change the name'.

There is stunned silence.

'Uh, can you do that?'

'When I am absolute ruler of Mittelheim - yes! And I can change the name of my empire to whatever I like. A name that will expunge the memory of Mittelheim and instead generate awe amongst foreign peoples. A name such as  ... Prussia!'

There is another stunned silence.

'Uh, isn't that name ... taken? Can we also use it?'

'Is it, you know, allowed?' asks someone else.

Catherine shrugs. 'I am, of course, just thinking out loud. It could be any name that I like; or indeed', she looks at them slyly, 'that you might like!'

'Oooh! Oooh!' someone cries out. 'Let's be Spain - I've always wanted to go there!'

'No', cries another in a rapture of excitement. 'Let's be Britain - I've always hated them: then we can ban the drinking of tea! And ban ships!'

'Yes! Yes! And ban the use of that annoying snarky superior sort of sarcasm that they think passes for a sense of humour!'

'Or', says someone else in hushed tones, 'we could be Lilliput!'

'Yes! Yes!', cries another. 'And we could force the serfs to pretend to be really, really small, whereas we could pretend to be giants, and then squash them with our feet! Our naked, naked feet!'

'All excellent ideas, everyone', says the Duchess. 'But of course, to achieve this goal, we must first unite behind my agenda and conquer Mittelheim!'

'Huzzah! Huzzah!' cries the audience. 'Long live the Grand Duchess! Long live Catherine the Great!'

The Grand Duchess acknowledges the newly enthusiastic praise of her leading subjects. Not wishing to risk spoiling the mood with anything so tawdry as evidence or policy details, she retires to her antechamber.