Catherine the Great!

'Silence!' cries the Grand Duchess. 'As you may discern from my attire and my splendid painting, it is I who will break down the barriers of gender and command our forces in the field'.

'Madame ...' says the patriarch. 'Forgive my previous expectoration. But, are you sure that this is ... seemly?'

'I do, indeed, seem to think so', replies Catherine. 'And I can assure you that, whilst breaking down the barriers of gender, I am not too busy to break a few others things while I'm at it'.

'But', says Countess Yakenup. 'Commanding in battle - is that wise? Battle is dangerous and requires skills of a distinctly masculine nature'.

'Such as?' asks the duchess.

'Well', says Ignyshin, 'smoking pipes'.

Plinkiplinsk nods. 'Yes, and vodka. Drinking vodka'.

'And there's life on campaign - which is completely unsuitable for a lady' adds Pushimov.

'Yes - there's quite a lot of mud' says Ignyshin.

'And you have to piddle standing up' replies Plinkiplinsk.

'No - that's very much optional, I feel', says Pushimov.

Catherine raises an eyebrow. 'Have any of you actually studied war? The classics - Vegetius? The Byzantine emperor Maurice?' 

'Study? I mean, reading things?', cries Ignyshin incredulously. 'How would reading ladies' romances help, madame?'

'So you haven't, as I have, studied campaigning; operational art; logistics; command and control; lines of operation; decisive points?'

'I can point decisively!' says Ignyshin, pointing. 

'But madame', says Pushimov, 'there's, you know, the fighting'.

Plinkiplinsk nods. 'Yes, war - it's quite violent'.

'Have any of you actually done any fighting?' asks the Grand Duchess.

'Well, not as such. Not in a battle', admits the foreign minister.

'My brother did bully me mercilessly, though' says Plinkiplinsk.

Pushimov nods. 'Yes, and my sister was quite a scrapper'.

Catherine makes an exasperated sound. 'So really, none of you have actually fought in a battle?'

'No. No', admit the ministers. 

'And, overall', says Catherine, 'do generals tend actually to do the fighting?'

'Oh no', is the horrified reply. 'Combat is very dangerous. One can get injured or even killed. No, fighting is best left to the serfs'.

'So none of you, even those that have notionally commanded troops, have actually fought in combat?'

'I fought my chief of staff!' says Ignyshin.. 

'I punched my chef' says Plinkiplinsk, 'The cheeky Frenchman!'

'Borisov will accompany me', says Catherine. 'I'm sure that if there is any requirement to fight my own headquarters staff, then he can do the honours'.

The objections decline into a resentful grumbling.

'Now', says the Grand Duchess, 'unless anyone here would like me to put on another "special breakfast", I think that that is decided. Borisov, order the troops assembled: we march! Wurstburp or bust!'