Schwimwehr, the Last!

They say that all good things must end; luckily, the same is true of mediocre things, like Mittelheim battles. And so, dear reader, we reach the final stages of the battle of Schwimwehr: a battle that we go down in the annals of military history as a battle, that took place near  Schwimwehr. Few songs are ever likely to be penned about this encounter, and almost none that don't involve a woman from Venus, but it's final stages are marked by the usual drama.

Rentall orders two of his remaining regular regiments forward in a do-or-die assault upon the Rotenburg line. (Above) On the right, Graf Orlok's Regiment charges the confused Rotenburg conscripts. The Orlok's are heavily disordered, but their adversary isn't in much better condition and, as conscripts, are more used to licking windows than engaging in honest hand-to-hand combat. 

(Above) On the left, the Liebgarde Feratu-Osterburg, the very finest of the Vulgarian regiments, the invincible Nosferatu elite, advance to contact twice their number of enemy infantry.

Alas for Rentall and for the Vulgarian cause, the Vulgarian guard cannot break the enemy line. After savage fighting, the Rotenburg regular regiment is overwhelmed and routed but the Rotenburg mercenaries succeed in driving the Osterburg's back. Even worse, a quick round of volleying from Furst Augustus' line proves that the Nosferatu are not so invincible. On the contrary, they prove to be really quite vincible and, being well vinced by the enemy musketry, the guard are driven from the field (above).

To compound matters, the Rotenburg conscripts prove to be more spritely than expected, and Count Orlok's regiment is also driven back Below). Rentall curses, and because he curses in Dutch it sounds even ruder. Less Nosferatu and more Tosferatu, his army has let him down. There is now nothing to stop the enemy from advancing forward and occupying the critical roadway. The game is up; the goose is cooked; the fat lady has sung. Rentall concedes the battle.

The Vulgarians are defeated! Or are they?

On the far left of the Vulgarian line, Captain Kleinvarken looks unhappily at the swamp.

'So, Colonel Kurtz, when I asked if we could fire when we climbed into the swamp, you said "no". And yet it turns out that the answer should have been "yes"'.

Kurtz considers this gloomily. 'Well, there were a few qualifying factors that were too negligible to include in that assessment'.

'Those factors being?'

'Well, mainly that the answer that I should have given was "yes". But, then, in my defence, I delivered the wrong answer with the right amount of confidence. So really, it's your fault for believing me. I asked the Rotenburgers, and they said that we couldn't fire if we were in the swamp'.

Kleinvarken considers this. 'But they are the enemy'.

The colonel shrugs. 'Who'd have thought that they would lie? They sounded so confident'.

As the battle comes to an end, it becomes clear that, not for the Furst time, Augustus might have been treating the rules of war as less of a set of stringent regulations to ensure equitable treatment of both sides and more like a pirate code. There are no hard feelings, of course, and so, as General Rentall bids adieu to the cheating Rotenburg donkey-fondling monkey sucker Furst Augustus Saxe-Peste, the two armies disengage.

Furst Augustus remains cheery, however. For Rotenburg, any sentence that contains the word "victory" is worth celebrating, even if that word is bracketed by the phrases "It's not a" and "you cheating b*stard". The Landravial army has lost only a single regiment, although it is one of their precious trained units. On the plus side, however, three of the existing units of conscript infantry are promoted to trained status. Saxe-Peste's cavalry has also benefited from their time spent hanging around somewhere to the rear, and the regiment of conscripts is promoted to trained, and another unit reaches elite status.

The Vulgarians have lost two regiments of regular infantry and one of cavalry - these the Vulgarian depots will replace with trained troops. The Liebgarde have also been lost, but they retain their guard status.

Having inflicted four losses and having suffered one, the Rotenburgers also receive a point for having inflicted heavy losses on their enemy.