A Rustic Interlude!

'Behold, General!' cries Major Seewurd. 'After some careful thought and some very specific, and indeed graphic, threats to the local peasantry, we have solved the anomaly of our absentee artillery!' There is a dull sonorous clanking, like an average Mittelheimer thinking, or Princess Caroline of Bachscuttel trying to remove her corset.
'What', says General von Rumpler tetchily, 'is that?'
'It is an impromptu artillery piece, sir' replies the major.

'Where?'

'There, sir'.

'I can't see any cannons' says Rumpler. 'Because my view is obscured by that wretched rustheap of renaissance rubbish'.

'It is', chips in Hugo von Stumpe, 'a rather rustic take on long-range fire support'.

'Rustic?' muses the general. 'If what I find in my chamberpot in the morning could be described as "rustic", then yes, rustic it is. A big pile of rustic. Just as you major, are a large rustic head, with rustic for brains. I fully intend to call the provost and have the living rustic beaten out of you'.

Seewurd gulps. 'But sir, whilst the makeshift guns are indeed of a more antiquated design, they are nevertheless robust'.

'Robust! Robust! My mother-in-law is robust, but I still wouldn't use her to fire 12-pound cannonballs'. He stops. 'Although the thought of firing said balls at her ...'

'And there is another advantage to this makeshift alternative to our regular gunners', says Stumpe.

'Which is?'

'They are utterly untrained!'

'You mean, they know nothing of the Mittleheim way of artillery warfare?'

'Nothing at all, sir'.

Rumpler turns to one of the gormless-looking peasant crewmen.

'You man, tell me what you know about cannons'.

The peasant's face contorts with the look of focused concentration that probably normally signals the production of a morning rustic.

'Wot's a cannon, zorr?' he asks finally.

'No knowledge or understanding at all of Mittleheim artillery doctrine? It's a military miracle!' says Rumpler happily. 'Why, that means that they might hit something! Hurrah!'

With renewed vigour, the general orders his battle line to accommodate the ersatz artillery pieces.