Friday, 5 February 2016

Flee faster!

As he sees the Nabstrians fleeing ahead of him, Colonel von Rheinfunkt curses.
'Curses!' he says. 'They're getting away - and my unsatisfied personal objectives will cost us this victory! If only I could have concentrated on more constructive personal development goals, such as dealing with my repressed anger towards my parents, instead of this focused desire to capture an enemy prisoner!'
'Aha!' says Captain Lackwitz, who, with the retreat of the enemy seems now to have popped up again.
The Colonel turns, startled. 'What have you been doing, Captain?'
'Um.' says Lackwitz. 'Centre of gravity analysis'.
Rheinfunkt looks suspiciously at the mud plastered over the front of the Captain's uniform. 'You look like you've been hiding under a hay wagon'.
'Physically, yes. But intellectually, I have been pondering both upon the enemy's critical requirements and their critical capabilities in order better to determine where we might concentrate our efforts'.
'And the answer?', says the Colonel.
'Two objectives. Luckily, both are contained in our opponent's scrotum'.
Rheinfunkt snorts, 'Bah! We'll never get our hands on our opponent's wrinkled retainers - see, they are getting away!'
Lackwitz strikes a pose. 'My marvelous work on military philosophy is clear that now is the time for the genius of the general to be applied - Colonel, use your coup d'oeil.'
'My coo deel?' says Rheinfunkt, bemused. 'Is this some foolish French frippery?'
'No', says Lackwitz. 'Coup d'oeil - your all-seeing eye.'
'Cup doil?' says Rheinfunkt, shaking his said. 'I don't think any of us is saying "aye"'.
'It's priceless military wisdom', says Lackwitz, exasperated.
'It's bloody nonsense!', says the Colonel. 'No one understands what you're saying'.
'That's the point', replies Lackwitz, sullenly. 'If anyone could understand it, it wouldn't be a work of genius'.
Luckily for Rheinfunkt, Toplitz-Hande's Croats intervene.

(Above, left) The Croats reach the Nabstrian regulars before they can escape the battlefield. In the fight, two of the latter are killed, and the remaining three are driven back towards the capital. The Croats, keen not to attack the Nabstrians again, in case they fail to leave one alive to be captured, then withdraw back to the edge of the battlefield. (Above, right) Behind the stream, Rheinfunkt (in red) and the garrison company stand ready to pounce on their enemy, like foxes on chickens.

As it turns out, however, the Gelderlanders, if they are indeed foxes, seem to be quite badly motivated ones, and the chickens animated by a quite extraordinary attachment to life. As the Nabstrian chickens hover behind the stream, ripe for the plucking, Rheinfunkt and his troops are inconveniently inactive.
'Strike now!' says Lackwitz, animatedly.

On a hill some way to the west, Colonel Zeigler tracks the unfolding combat through his telescope. His men, now well away from Gross Schnitzelring, look at one another in alarm as the Colonel shouts in frustration: 'By the Virgin Mary's slightly asymmetrical plumpies, just die you Nabstrian dogs!', he howls, as Rheinfunkt's troops line the stream. 'Don't let him take you prisoner! Kill them! Or kill one another!' (Above) As if reading his mind, the remaining Nabstrians cease their attempts to flee and hurl themselves at the enemy. At this point, it occurs to both of the Gelderland commanders that if the Croats are too successful, there will be no one left to take prisoner and the Nabstrians will avoid defeat. Toplitz-Hande's closes his eyes as a desperate combat take place ....


  1. A most amusing insight into the topsy-turvy world of Gelderland!

  2. Indeed, in Gelderland nothing is simple, except perhaps those in charge of strategy.