Sunday, 31 January 2016


And so, events in Gross Schnitzelring begin to reach their shuddering climax.

With Wilhelm deposited in the capital, but the bridge intact, the chances of a victory depend upon which of the commanders can attain their personal objectives. Colonel Zeigler has cuffed and stuffed half of the Gelderland civilians: this has given him great satisfaction. Sadly, however, Captain Kobblerz has managed to acquire nothing more than a painful increase in his lead content. He certainly has had better days. Worse for the Nabstrians, Colonel Toplitz-Hande's personal objective was to despatch Kobblerz. The only chance for Nabstria to avoid a minor defeat is to deny Colonel Rheinfunkt his own individual goal ...

The garrison company, led by Rheinfunkt, finally reach the town square, breathless, only to find it deserted. Far ahead, the last of Colonel Zeigler's Nabstrian interlopers can just be seen exiting the capital. Rheinfunkt swears grandly: a quick look in Frau Stollen's bakery indicates that the enemy's mission has been all too successful - Wilhelm is there, also 'deserted' in the sense that he is covered with all kinds of final course confections. Now, even if it were possible humanly to lift him, he is as slippery as a larded Sicilian. From beneath the King emanates a terrible groaning sound that could perhaps herald the unhappy arrival of a large quantity of digestive gasses, but which actually sounds like the increasingly feeble struggles of a middle-aged patissier trying to climb out of the royal posterior. Rheinfunkt grips his wig and shakes his head sadly, cursing Nabstria. As a seasoned soldier, he has witnessed his share of war crimes; maimings, torture, English food: but there can be few acts of savagery worse than shoving a prisoner right up Wilhelm's ring-piece,
'Dammit!', cries Rheinfunkt. 'I shall capture a Nabstrian prisoner, and I shall repay ten-fold this act of Nabstrian bottom-related barbarity!'
Ironically, given this motive, the Colonel hear's the sound of more half-arsed combat emanating from beyond the capital's walls - there is still some fighting to be done!
Collecting the garrison company around him, Rheinfunkt heads for the city gates.

The last of the Nabstrian forces still making a fight of it are the remains of Kobblerz's regulars, holed up in a house just outside the walls of the city. The regulars have redoubled their efforts to fortify the house by closing the curtains, hiding behind the furniture, and making loud 'Shhh!' sounds. A quick peek by one of them out of the window, however, demonstrates that their fortunes are likely to decline rapidly in the immediate future: Toplitz-Hande's company of regulars have taken up position outside; his Croats are now running back to cut off the line of retreat; and elements of the Gross Schnitzelring garrison are now issuing forth from the capital. There's only one thing for it - run!

(Above) Using a special Nabstrian version of the tactics of 'fire and movement', by which the 'fire' element is replaced with womanly screaming and even more movement, the white-coated regulars flee the house! In front, the Croats race to cut them off; behind can be seen Toplitz-Hande's red-coated regulars and the blue uniforms of the garrison company. Can the Nabstrians sprint the short distance to safety? Or will some last minute crapness lead them to a slightly humiliating failure?

1 comment:

  1. Perhaps it was the bright white coats of the Nabstrian detachment that lead to such difficulty...