That's a Lovely Pair of Bastions You've Got There!

Captain Carl von Lackwitz stands upon one of the bastion defences of the town of Munchausen-By-Procksi. He has been conversing with several Wurstburp engineering officers. Coming from the technical services, these fellows are better educated than most, indicated by the fact that they can read (even if they do often have to mouth the words), and that they can dress themselves in the morning.
'That was an unusual speech that you gave to the men earlier, Lackwitz', says one.

'Really?', replies Lackwitz, leafing through the pages of a book.

'Yes - quite ... ah, left field. One might normally expect that a speech designed to bolster the morale of the troops and encourage them to fight doggedly to the last man would contain a selection from the usual sort of familiar themes'.

'What themes, sir?'

'Well, you know, the stuff about bolstering morale and being encouraged and fighting doggedly to the last man'.

'I sought to appeal to a different aspect of the men's temperaments. Which elements did you find surprising?'

'Well, there were more references to cheese then I expected', says the officer.

'And also', adds another, 'that part that covered your disappointment at the contents of your Christmas stocking'.

'But what about the part where I told the men that, even if they all died, I would still be likely to survive and get promoted?'

'Probably not as inspiring to them as you might have hoped'.

'Bah - well, cobblers to them: they will probably all get bayoneted by the Vulgarians anyway'.

'Yes', replies the third officer. 'Yes - I think it was probably phrases like that the reduced the impact of your speech. Still, the walls here are strong and we still have hope whilst the enemy have not yet begun to bombard the walls.' 

'Especially', says Lackwitz gesticulating at his book, 'especially since you have access to the newly re-drafted version of my book on war and strategy!'
The engineers look at one another, shifting nervously. 'Actually, Lackwitz, you've already read us several sections of it and I don't think that ...'
'"War"', cries Lackwitz striking a pose. '"is a continuation of polygamy by other means".'
There is momentary silence.

'Are you sure that "polygamy" is the best word?'

Lackwitz frowns. 'Well, I did originally go for "pottery", but in the end I wasn't sure. Perhaps there is another "P"word that would fit?'

'Parrot!' expectorates one of the engineers.
'Peregrine!' cries another.

'No, no, I ...' replies Lackwitz.

'Porcine!'

'Perambulation!
'Pederast!'
'This is taking an unfortunate turn. I just want another another "P" word'.
'Wet shoes!'
'That doesn't begin with a "P"!'
'In my case it does: I can never aim straight!'
'Potato!'
'Policy?'
'Ah, now there you have something!' says Lackwitz nodding. '"War is a continuation of potato by other means"'.

(Below) On the other side of the fortress, flags are visible in the covered way. Unusually, these are regimental colours and not flags of surrender. But there is of course plenty of time yet. From the fortress, it is evident that the Vulgarians have not been idle. 

(Below) The Vulgarian sappers have been digging with the same enthusiasm that Mittelheim street urchins might apply to picking their noses: an extensive, careful excavation; the production and difficult transportation by wheelbarrow of unpleasant and muddy detritus; occasional pauses to view with satisfaction the quantity and quality of material removed; occasionally eating some of it to see what it might taste like.

Vauban himself noted the scientific basis for siege warfare, a basis that should allow the prediction of the exact moment when the besieged town will be forced to surrender. In this case, and at the current rate of Vulgarian progress, the fall of Munchausen will take place 42 days hence, at dinner time, at some point between the dessert and cheese courses. This being a Mittelheim military operation, though, why would the belligerents confine themselves to the patient application of military doctrine when they could instead tit about with other hare-brained schemes ...