The Red Badge of Porridge!

In the town of Munchhausen, capital of the Margravate of Badwurst-Wurstburp, the residents have woken up to dire news: the Vulgarians are here! Following up the retreat of the remnants of the Wurstburp army after their defeat at the Battle of Groeninghumpe, the Vulgarians seem intent on forcing a siege and knocking Wurstburp out of the war! With the Vulgarian siege train trundling into position, it is at a moment like this that the defenders of the capital could most benefit from the impact of some wise and inspirational leadership. Alas, the margrave, Kasper Johan von Porckenstauffen, is in the north at his hunting lodge; and also, of course, he isn't wise or inspirational. This leaves as the senior officer present in the capital the recently re-discovered King-Not-Over-The-Water-But-In-Fact-Quite-Close-By Wilhelm Penwick-Fuppet. Or it would if he could actually be found. Three figures are present in Wilhelm's Court in Exile. They look despondently at an empty throne.

'I'm sure that our king will be with us shortly', says Wilhelm's companion Lady Flora Spreadswell, sounding more hopeful than certain.

'I doubt it', says General Unpronunski. 'Have there been any sightings Lord Duncan?'

Lord Duncan De Sordelay shakes his head sadly. 'Alas, we have not seen him for many days. Rumour says that he has lost himself in the infernal depths of subscription-based bakery services'.

'Subscription-based bakery services?' asks the general.

'Indeed', replies Lord Duncan. 'OnlyFlans: perverse patisserie antics in which backstreet bakers flaunt their buns in members-only clubs'.

'Why would the consumption of buns be an illicit activity?'

'You haven't seen the size of them, madame. Wilhelm has lost himself entirely in this wanton world of pastry promiscuity. And now, in this hour of need, there is no one to lead us'.

'Perhaps all is not lost', says Lady Flora. 'For yesterday, an individual with some very specific and relevant expertise found his way to our town; and now, cut off by Vulgarian forces though we are, it may be that his leadership and expertise will provide us with a decisive advantage in the coming battle'.

'It's Horace de Saxe, isn't it', replies the general, in the same tone that one might say that one had been visited by the fourth Ghost of Christmas, the "Ghost of Christmas In-Laws". It's Horace and that means that we're all going to die; by some means that is slightly worse and a lot longer than if he wasn't here to give us bad advice'.

'Indeed not, sir' replies Flora. 'It is this gentleman'. A figure wanders into the chamber (below).

'Fear not', says the interloper. 'It is I, Carl von Lackwitz'.

'Your problems are over, for I am experienced in matters relating to fortifications, revetments, and whatnot. Why, I was present at the assault upon the great city of Grosschnitzelring'.

'Well, that sounds hopeful', replies Lord Duncan. 'And you were instrumental in bringing about a successful defence of the city?'

'No, not so much', admits Lackwitz.  

The general considers this. 'So, sir, you claim to be an expert in sieges but this knowledge has not actually improved your chances of bringing success?'

Lackwitz nods. 'Yes, it's pair of ducks'.

'You mean a paradox?' asks Duncan.

'Sorry, yes, a pair of dogs' says Lackwitz. 'But I should imagine that by the power of the law of averages I might help to bring about success this time around'.

'The law of averages isn't perhaps something that we should rely on in the first instance', says Unpronunski dubiously. 'It hasn't helped me thus far'.

'But Lackwitz has so much more to give!' says Lady Flora earnestly. 'A man of his evident charisma and forceful personality will surely be able to inspire the troops!'

'A good speech might help', admits Unpronunski. 'The ex-Jacobites are courageous troops with a fondness for lost causes. Which is lucky given their recent performance on the battlefield'.

'I shall speak to the men and provide them with the benefits of my philosophical thoughts on the nature of war. I will need to sound sensitive and intelligent but also, I think, threatening in a psychotic manner'.

'Then you should use a Scottish accent', says the general.

Lackwitz nods. 'And what does that sound like?'

'Fill your mouth with porridge and then speak Norwegian'.

'What does Norwegian sound like?'

'Like Danish, but you have to speak through a pillow'.

'Languages are so complex!' says Lackwitz in exasperation. 'Why can’t everyone speak German like me? It’s easy - I picked it up as a child'.

Some discussion then ensues on the best way of defending the town against the Vulgarians. Lackwitz becomes bored and then wanders off.

 

Lord Duncan sighs. 'Is there any chance that we might defeat the Vulgarians?'

'Oh no, it’ll be fine' says Unpronunski.

'Really?'

'Oh, yes'.

'Great!'

'Yes, what I find more worrying is that Wilhelm's throne seems to have a pentacle in front of it'.

'Surely not ... oh, actually ....'

Outside, there is the ominous detonation of heavy cannons that signals the start of the investment of the town ...