Groeninghumpe, the Third!

Bulbous orders his irregular troops to advance. On the Zentan right wing, the Zentan light cavalry pass through the palace sipahis and begin to move towards the Wurstburp cavalry. In screening his best troops with his dross and making it impossible for the former to make a useful contribution to the battle, Bulbous is, of course, following one of the key principles of Zentan warfare.

(Below) The Zentan irregular infantry shamble towards their adversaries. As they advance, they leave behind their artillery support, another key principle of Zentan warfare. As their Zentan adversaries get nearer, the Wurstburp artillery begin a cannonade, which, in relation to its effectiveness at causing casualties, is rather like a lemonade, but less refreshing.

(Above, top left) As the irregulars advance, the janissaries are left behind. As previous experience has shown, the Zentan view on war is that no great advantage can be had from committing one's decent troops to a fight. The janissaries hang around, catching up on their ironing and pursuing their hobbies. One of the units has already been promoted to elite status through these activities, and a few more well creased pantaloons will no doubt see the other also elevated to this august station.

(Below) In his position between both cavalry and infantry, Unpronunski is able to see in the distance the advancing line of enemy troops. Prince Karl is with him, and they exchange concerned views on the developing character of this battle.

'We should charge!' cries the prince. 'My Scottish blood demands it!'

'But you're not Scottish', replies the general tartly. 'You're from Wurstburp: you're German. You're about as Jacobite as a deep-fried strudel'.

'But I identify as Jacobite', cries Karl.

Unpronunski blows an undiplomatic raspberry. 'We must bide our time, Prince Karl. We must pick exactly the right moment before springing forward with the sword!'

'When will that be?'

'Well, I was hoping that your military experience would be useful in helping to answer that question. Do you have a plan?'

'I could get the cook to rustle something up, I suppose. But I'm not sure if he has any eggs ...'

'That's a flan, my prince. I can see that I am going to have to use some of my own initiative here'.

(Below) The likely development of this battle is clear from its early stages. With the Zentan line extending beyond the Wurstburp left, it seems likely that the Wurstburp cavalry might soon have Zentan irregulars lapping at their flanks: an unpleasant experience by any civilised standards.

(Above) Moreover, at that point in the centre where the irregular cavalry and foot meet, Bulbous may well be able to apply some combined arms attack against the Wurstburp horse. This kind of militarily effective coordination is largely unheard of in Zentan military practice, and so one reason it might fail is that the shock of doing it might require some of the Zentans to lie down for a rest. Bulbous moves his headquarters up. With his artillery and regular troops kept to the rear, the Zentan plan seems to rely entirely on their irregulars to carry the main weight of the fight. To those with any experience in modern warfare, the chances of the success of this approach might seem lower than a limbo-dancing sausage dog ...

Groeninghumpe, the Second!

General Bulbous chooses to deploy his troops in a line; although it's not much of a choice, since the only other option for the Zentan army would be something called 'not a line'. (Below) On the Zentan left, Bulbous positions both of his regiments of janissaries. Here, they can continue their process of becoming elite through the expedient of never, ever moving in a battle; never fighting; and thus never taking the risk of being defeated.

(Above) The remainder of the infantry, all irregulars, are deployed in the centre of the Zentan position. Behind them are both batteries of Bulbous' artillery. That way they unable to see any targets at all, and so Bulbous will not be tempted into the foolish decision to try and fire them.

(Below) Cavalry constitutes the whole of the Zentan right wing, concentrating both the mobile elements of the army and also the most peculiar of the smells.

(Above, right) To the front are both regiments of palace sipahis. They are positioned directly opposite the Wurstburp cavalry. Behind them, Bulbous posts his irregular cavalry, consisting of five regiments. With all of his cavalry concentrated against the Wurstburp horse, it looks like the latter might be in for a tiring day.

(Above) Bulbous then sites his headquarters at the juncture between his irregular foot and irregular cavalry. From here, he is also in command distance of the sipahis. The general's plan is a simple one; and so probably dangerously complex for his troops to execute. By deploying his irregulars across the bulk of the battlefield, troops which collectively can be commanded as a single group, he hopes to pose multiple, simultaneous threats to the Wurstburp defenders.

(Below) Being skirmishers, the Zentan infantry outrange the Wurstburp troops, who in any case are mostly highlanders, fellows just as likely to try and drink their muskets as they are to fire them.

Bulbous completes the stationing of his troops, a process which has been mercifully free of Wurstburp-style 'tactics'. With a growl from the Zentans that could be aggression or which might just be flatulence, Bulbous issues his final orders and the battle commences!

Groeninghumpe, the First!

Wherein the army of the Sanjak of Zenta under Captain-General Taras Bulbous encounters the forces of the Margravate of Badwurst-Wurstburp, commanded by General Bazyli Antonin Unpronunski .

We stand, gentle reader, in the Kingdom of Gelderland, somewhere to the northeast, and in the environs of the hill known locally as the Groeninghumpe. It is not a happy place. It is in Gelderland, for starters; and so it is inevitably, much to the disappointment of all who live there, also in Mittelheim. Other reasons to be unhappy would include the poor state of the local schools, and also the presence of the army of the Margravate of Wurstburp. The latter has been ravaging the local countryside for days, although the former means that most of the locals can't write to anyone to tell them about it. 

The Wurstburp army is by reputation and also, you know, in fact, the worst army in Mittelheim. Its incompetence extends even into its ravaging of innocent civilians. Since the Gelderlanders cannot understand what the ex-Jacobite Wurstburpers are saying, and because none of the locals are named 'Jimmy', the Margravial army has proved singularly unable to extract anything useful by their threats and bullying.

For both the Wurstburpers and the Gelderlanders, circumstances have declined even further. Approaching from the south (above, right hand of the table) are Gelderland's allies, the army of Zenta. These are allies only in the loosest sense, and their loyalty to the local Gelderlanders only really extends to those parts of the day when the Zentans are asleep and need someone to give them a wake up call. At other times, the troops of the Sanjak inflict a second ravaging on the local civilians. The is much more thorough than that inflicted by the Wurstburpers because the lamentable state of the economy in Zenta makes virtually anything anywhere else worth carrying off: wood, straw, false teeth, elderly relatives, or recently buried corpses.

(Below) Faced with the approaching enemy, the Wurstburp commander, General Unpronunski, decides he must deploy his army, even though the accumulation of past experience seems to indicate that this won't help very much.

(Above) The infantry are deployed upon the Groeninghumpe, which is also the objective for this battle. The artillery are deployed upon Little Groeninghumpe; and the cavalry far, far away in the distance. There then commences a process of what some might describe as 'dicking about' but which in Mittelheim is known as 'tactics'. The consequence is that Unpronunski decides that his line is too far extended and his guns too vulnerable upon the hill.

(Above) The original position of the Wurstburp cavalry. On reflection, this placement seems to Unpronunski to be rather exposed and probably reliant on the prospect of having to fight successfully. This is far too brave a deployment, what with it implying that the Wurstburp horse might be able to take on the enemy without any support.

(Above) Equally, the initial deployment of the artillery seems rather ambitious, based as it seems to be on the assumption that artillery fire will have any effect at all on advancing enemy troops. Unpronunski decides that it might be best to hide them amongst the defending infantry and pretend that they aren't there.

(Above) The guns, therefore, are moved and included in the infantry line. They are not dug in since Unpronunski recognises that they may need to move forwards later. Or indeed backwards.

(Above) And so, the final Wurstburp deployment takes place along a rather shorter line. The cavalry are on Little Groeninghumpe, and the artillery jostle uncomfortably among the elbows of the Wurstburp foot.

(Below) Unpronunski (in red) is with Prince Karl von Porckenstauffen (horsed). Karl, known as Bunnie Prince Karlie, because of his buck teeth, is heir to the Margravial seat, as well as most of the other furniture as well. The general's plan is based upon the very reasonable assumption that his highland troops are poor shots, but pretty handy in a hand-to-hand fight, especially against the slack-jawed irregular weasels that compose the bulk of the Zentan troops. Closing rapidly with the enemy will be the basis upon which he plans to win this battle. 

Alas for the Wurstburpers, it turns out there is rather more forest than was originally anticipated; a predictable consequence when no one can remember the rules. New copses, hitherto unnoticed, suddenly spring into view near the Wurstburp line. But that's war in Mittelheim for you.

Across the field of battle, the Zentan hordes begin a process that in other armies would be known as 'deployment', but which actually looks more like 'seepage'. Under the watchful eye of their Wurstburp enemy, the Zentan commander, Taras Bulbous encourages his troops to move to positions that, broadly, seem to face their enemy ...

I Fought The Lore, And The Lore Won!

' ... and this?' asks Radu Pasha sceptically. 'Please don't tell me that this is a glass case containing a disembodied hand with an eyeball on it'.

There is silence.

'Well?' repeats Radu.

Sihirbaz shifts uncomfortably. 'You distinctly told me not to tell you that it was a glass case continuing a disembodied hand with an eyeball on it'.

'And so what is it?'

'It's, ah, not a glass case containing an eyeball and a disembodied hand?'

Radu sighs. 'Sihirbaz, if this were, theoretically, a glass case containing a disembodied hand upon which there was an eye. I suppose the obvious question is why it contains those things and not, say, a half eaten cake or a pile of scones which I think would be the sort of things one normally finds stored under a glass case'.

'I obtained these things from an ancient and powerful sorcer ... ah, I mean, ah, source'.

'Wouldn't the scones have been more useful? I mean, it's not as if you don't already have a useful quota of hands and eyes. What use are a few extras?'

'I was promised that this artifact would prove most handy in keeping an eye on things that were related to the future'.

'The future? Well, it can't work that well. I mean, if it did, wouldn't you have known that you were going to be run out of Wallachia for dabbling in the dark arts and then be driven here to Zenta in search of employment? Couldn't you have taken some preventive measures such as not dabbling in the dark arts and getting caught?'

'I did try' admits Sihirbaz, 'but I was shamefully framed by the local Witchfinder Specific'.

'Witchfinder Specific?'

'Yes, it's like a Witchfinder General, but with a much, much better knowledge of the witchfinding small-print. I was accused of dabbling in the occult and I was prosecuted in court'.

'And you weren't having a dabble?'

'No - I said to someone that I was dabbling in yakult'.

'Is there a difference?'

'The ratio of yoghurt to human sacrifice is much, much higher in what I was doing. But the witchfinder didn't care'.

Radu Pasha sighs. 'Well, I shall have to report my findings to the Hospodar. He won't be pleased. This is', says Radu Pasha, gesturing at the contents of the room, 'a sad bag of research spanners'.

Sihirbaz gulps. 'Well, yes - it is certainly a diverse collection of projects. But I think that you can reassure our lord that the whole will be greater than the sum of the parts'.

Radu Pasha shakes his head sadly. 'Sihirbaz, I suspect the Hospodar might end up sticking some of these parts in your hole, if things don't improve'.

At that moment, a servant appears at the door.

'My lord Radu Pasha - you are required by the Hospodar! News has arrived from the front!'