A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Cathedral, Fin!

'Well', says Bishop Baldwin. 'So, both of my guards are dead! And I am now free! That, I think, could be taken as something of a success'.

'Hurrah!' says Schultz.

'Yes', says the bishop. 'But the commander of the whole of the invasion force has been struck down; along with the milkmaid, who, I surmise, was probably the most effective component of the entire army! None of this, I think, would fall under the heading of what we might label "optimal outcomes'".'

'Indeed', says the corporal. Lifting his horn, he begins a slow and melancholy funeral dirge. Suddenly, though, Schulz stops and drops to his knee in front of Ziegler's body!

'Hang on, sir! I've just remembered! Actually, I haven't got the coin: Colonel Ziegler said he'd give me the shiny schilling if I stopped playing my horn. But then, once I stopped playing, he laughed and called me a "gullible, narrow-browed fool" and refused to pay me!'
The colonel opens one eye, experimentally. 'Why yes!' He reaches to his breast pocket. 'And here it is! By my Lucky Star, the schilling was indeed there to turn the blade! What a relief - because I have to say that if this was indeed heaven then I'd be pretty disappointed'. He looks at the bishop. 'No insult intended'.
'None taken, good colonel', replies bishop Baldwin.

The colonel gets to his feet.

'And Karlotte lives too!' says Schultz.

'No, not really', says the colonel, pointing at her gaping wounds and the large quantity of blood leaking onto the floor. 

'I could give her the kiss of life!' says the corporal.

'No, she is really, really dead', says Baldwin.

'I'm willing to give it a try', says Schultz.

'No', says Ziegler. 'And whatever you're doing with your hands, I don't think that that is going to help her breathe'.

'Yes, stop it', says Baldwin. 'I'm a catholic bishop, and even I find what you seem to be doing slightly questionable'.

'Can I handle her bucket?' says Schulz.

'Yes', says the colonel. 'Unless that's a euphemism: in which case, no - really, really no'.

'Jager! We are leaving!' shouts Ziegler. His men begin to prepare themselves to depart.

Baldwin pauses. 'Colonel, could I just ask you why on earth that you are here? Apart from your obvious interest in getting local women-folk killed'.

'Good bishop, we are here to rescue you: I, and my brave band of elite soldiery!'

'Hmmm', says the bishop. 'It's not that I don't appreciate the effort, of course. It's quite dangerous here. When it comes to interrogation techniques, those Vulgarians have an unsettling combination of high levels of inventiveness, low levels of moral and ethical boundaries, and quite a wide range of access to implements that are hot, sharp, and oddly shaped'.

'You are most welcome!' says the colonel. 'Now, having rescued you, you can, forthwith, tell us the whereabouts of the emperor!'

Baldwin turns to look at his two friars. The two friars look at their feet, embarrassed.

'So', says Baldwin. 'This is a little awkward ....'

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Cathedral, the Seventh!

Rushing past the two friars, Karlotte reaches the bishop! Baldwin's two guards immediately stand forwards and block her route.

'What's this?' says the Gelderland captain. 'Who are you? And don't give me the "I'm just a milkmaid on the lookout for any cows" routine: I wasn't born yesterday!'

'Although the major was', says the musketeer next to him.

'True', says the captain, 'given that our inhaber commissioned his new-born son as an officer in our regiment. But I digress! State your business Frau!'

'I'm just a milkmaid on the lookout for some cows?'

Seeing the officer drawing his sword, Karlotte realises that the game is up! Seeking the advantage, she strikes, but misses! The captain and musketeer strike back! They hit! With a cry, Karlotte falls to the ground. Upon this, Ziegler realises that desperate measures are required. He leads corporal Schultz forwards in an assault!

'Enemy jager! Come, no doubt, to release the bishop!' cries the captain. 'But you will have to fight your way through me first, you rascals!'

'You've killed our milkmaid!' cries Ziegler in shocked reply. 'Scoundrel! Cad! Poltroon!'

The captain looks down. 

'Well, yes, yes', he says reluctantly. 'Not a heroic act, perhaps, but I was left with no choice!'

Schultz kneels beside Karlotte. 'The maid still breathes, sir! She is not yet dead! She seems to be trying to speak!'

Karlotte coughes. 'I have seen ... things ... you people wouldn't ... believe! Catnip on fire on the shoulder of a lion! I saw sea breams ... glitter in the dark near the Brandenburg gate! All these moments will be ... lost in time ... Like beers in the rain. Time .. to die!'

'What was that?' says Ziegler.

'Time ... to die!' croaks Karlotta.

'No', says the colonel. 'The other stuff. In fact, mainly everything after the word "believe"'. 

'Alas, she's gone, sir', says Schultz, sadly. He begins to play a melancholy tune on his horn.

'Stop that, corporal', says Ziegler sharply. He then addresses the Gelderland captain. 'How could you have killed this poor innocent maiden? What officer, what gentleman, would do such a thing?'

The captain looks sheepish. 'She came at us! With her milk pail ... swinging it really vigorously'. He slumps. 'Look, I know that doesn't sound very dangerous, but believe me, if you'd seen it, swirling around, and the maid with that look on her face, you'd have shot and stabbed her repeatedly too. Any gentleman of substance would have done the same!'
'By no means!' shouts Ziegler. 'Defend yourself!'

Ziegler and Schultz lunge forwards and a desperate fight breaks out!

'I'll just wait here, shall I?' says Bishop Baldwin

Schultz's horn makes short work of the enemy captain! But Ziegler and his adversary simultaneously stab one another! They both keel over!

'Sir, sir!' cries Schultz.

'It's fine, corporal', says Ziegler, supine. 'The enemy bayonet thrust has miraculously been turned by the lucky schilling coin that I had in my breast pocket!'

'The coin that you gave to me yesterday, sir, if I stopped playing my horn?'

'Yes, the ... oh dear'.