Aeee! Waaah!

The first Vulgarian squadron passes and stands!

The second Vulgarian squadron recoils, losing nearly forty men cut down in the process!

The third Vulgarian squadron recoils!

The fourth Vulgarian squadron recoils shaken, losing 12 men in the process!

The fifth Vulgarian squadron passes!

The sixth Vulgarian squadron recoils!

No Vulgarian routs!

'What! What!' cries Pfannensteil above the hubbub. 'What rubbish and ludicrously unrealistic outcome is this!'

'Bwha ha ha!' shouts Rimmer.

Now, first and third Nabstrian squadrons, still in contact with the enemy, must test morale!

It's a dismal roll for the first Nabstrian squadron - it recoils!

It's a dismal roll as well for the third Nabstrian squadron - it recoils!

'Gnn! Bleeegh!' squawks Pfannensteil in apoplexy. 'Foul! Offside!'

'Oh Lordy and Lawks-a-mercy!' squeals Rimmer. 'We must counter-attack! Vigorously!'

But its the Nabstrians who are now first to activate with a 'Forward Boys!' card. The Nabstrian commander and one unit within 6" (which can only be the second squadron) are ready for action!

But what action will it be?

It's In The Trees! It's Coming!

Colonel Pfannensteil observes the Widenlau road from the shade of some trees. Sent to deal with a single enemy squadron that had been seen in the vicinity, he has found nothing except bucolic countryside and alcoholic picquets. 

Waiting, however, he hears hooves advancing from Schrote. Shifting position, he is able to make out a substantial body of enemy horse advancing up the road. The enemy seems to consist of about six enemy squadrons. He himself has with him the remains of his own hussar regiment. He is probably outnumbered two to one, but the enemy seem oblivious to his presence. He could try and launch an ambush, or he could discreetly withdraw. Hmmm, what to do, what to do ...

At the head of the Vulgarian force, Colonel Rimmer leads his force forwards. He has been sent here to deal with the enemy picquets that were reported to be on this road. But the road is clear, and evidently the information received on the presence of enemy horsemen was wrong. But hang on: what’s that in the … waaaaaagh!

'Chaaaarge! Hussaaaaaaaah!' shouts Pfannenstiel, these really being the only two commands in the hussar drill manual that matter. Having deployed his squadrons in line across the whole length of the wood, he directs each of them to charge into the flanks of two enemy squadrons, aiming to sweep them all away in rout through shock and surprise! The Pfannensteil hussars pour out of the forest!

There is cutting! And slashing! And grunting! The attacking Nabstrians are outnumbered two to one: but they have the advantage of surprise and attacking into flanks! In the initial clash, casualties are about even – but now the defending Vulgarians must test their morale first, with the penalty for surprise! If they break, they’re toast – or at least, some equivalent Vulgarian breakfast consumable!

The result is …

Ziegler's Headquarters, Day One ,12.10pm

At 11.45, a message arrives at headquarters from the picquet on the Widenlau road. A squadron of enemy hussars attempted to attack them. The picquet has retired successfully to the Tinkel road, without casualties. Ziegler immediately orders Pfanenstiel’s Hussars to form up and go after the enemy squadron! The hussars are organised, prepared, and then dispatched. They are ordered to proceed carefully - the aim is to get close enough to surround and destroy the enemy squadron - this means that the enemy must not realise they are outnumbered until it is too late!

Meanwhile, having ceased fire, as per Ziegler's orders, the artillery recommences a slow fire that lasts from 11.50am until 12.00. They will continue to fire in the last ten minutes of every hour, until 4.30pm, at which point they will commence a heavy bombardment - or as heavy as a 3pdr and a 6pdr can rustle up. This fire is likely, to be fair, to have a greater effect because, at 12.10pm, a wagon arrives from Humpe, accompanied by a picquet of hussars. The wagon contains Herr Odo Dodo, a blacksmith, who arrives with all the makings of an ersatz field forge. Herr Dodo evinces a considerable enthusiasm for heating things up and setting fire to stuff.

Captain Kugel holds forth on the subject of heated shot. It will take 40 minutes or so to set up the makeshift furnace, get the wood, and burn it down to white-hot charcoal. The open furnace can hold ten rounds. It takes 30 minutes to heat the shot. Obviously, as each pair of shot are used, another pair can be added. Three men are required to operate the furnace, so Dodo is helped by a pair of artillerymen. The shot is sufficiently small that it can be carried with tongs by one man. Parties of infantry are ordered to gather leaves which can be used to provide damp wadding between the powder charge and the red hot shot. Lieutenant Ludwig Brandt, who has the most expensive and accurate pocket watch, is entrusted with ensuring that the pairs of shot go onto the brazier at 5 minute intervals, so that no shot remains on the furnace for longer than 30 minutes: otherwise the shot might become misshapen and jam the barrels.

Kugel predicts that the first of the rounds should be ready at 13.30. Each gun will be able to fire one round every six minutes.

Ziegler nods enthusiastically: there's nothing quite as satisfying at making a fire, especially if the main ingredients are one's enemy's houses.

Hunchmausen's Headquarters: Day One 12.15pm!

11.20am: The enemy’s artillery fire a few more shots. The enemy battalion halt for a few minutes on the road: then, they move back to their original positions.

The baron's messenger returns from the enemy lines with the following message:

“Dear Hunchmausen,
You’re right: we all need the afternoon off - but we shall not be retiring!”

Agorn’s wagon arrives, escorted by a platoon of light troops. They report spotting on the Widenlau road an enemy cavalry picquet observing their passage (not something that could be done in Fenwick), about a quarter of a mile from the town.

Hunchmausen orders one of the light troops to accompany a squadron of hussars in an attempt to pick off the enemy picquet before it gets back to report its findings.

'That pig that I can see, Churglemurgle - send some men out to capture it', says the baron. 'Pigs are sensitive and intelligent creatures. More so than our soldiers'.

'Indeed sir', says Czernazmije, 'Although, the Vulgarian contingent of the army are very sensitive and empathetic; without empathy you don’t really know how to hurt people and it just becomes senseless violence'.

Three enterprising fellows from the Ostmarck regiment try and grab the little piggie to the front of their positions.

The enemy artillery ceases firing until 11.50, at which point they recommence their slow bombardment for ten minutes, and then cease firing again. Overall, the enemy artillery thus far have inflicted a small measure of disorder on the Ostmarck regiment which is soon remedied by the liberal application of the flats of their officers’ swords.

At 11.50am the hussar squadron returns. They have failed to grab or kill any of the enemy picquet; the picquet have fled towards the Tinkel road.

The piggie proves to have too much initiative for the Ostmarck regiment. No doubt it can also shoot better. It wanders off towards the enemy lines.

At 12.10pm, from the cathedral spire, the baron's observer reports the arrival in the Nabstrian camp of a wagon, accompanied by a few hussars. It disappears behind the hill with the enemy artillery on it. There seems to be some excitement in the camp. Many of the enemy artillery crew disappear behind the hill.

'If only we had a mortar', sighs Hunchmausen.

At 12.11, the observer in the spire spots through his telescope a body of horsemen crossing the Tinkel road, from the south west, at a distance of about a quarter of a mile. The enemy are moving cautiously and with some skill, so it isn’t clear how many of them that there might be.

Hunchmausen orders the Brense hussars and the two squadrons of the Karnstein dragoons to move out and investigate the movement of the enemy horse. 

The Grubby Half-Dozen!

Hunchmausen's Headquarters: Day One, 11.10am

At 10.40am, the pair of Nabstrian guns opens fire! They direct their attack upon the three companies of the Ostmarck regiment lining the hedge. It is apparent, however, that they are firing very slowly. In twenty minutes, they fire four shots each. The Ostmarck suffer no casualties. The baron orders the troops to lie down behind a hedge bank.

At 10.55am, Rimmer’s infantry arrive from Schrote: three companies of the Strzyga Jager under Major Ferenczy. At about the same time, enemy infantry are seen arriving to join the enemy forces to the west – possibly two or three companies.

Despite the Nabstrian disdain for gentlemanly conduct and the etiquette of war, Hünchmausen decides to send an envoy under flag of truce bearing a bottle of brandy and a message reiterating the offer of honours of war should the Nabstrians retire immediately. Finding a bottle of brandy proves harder than it should be and, in the end, it is left to the bishop to ‘donate’ something from his cellars.

At 11.10am, as the envoy is about to leave, the Gelderlanders hear from the distance the sound of furious drumming. The observer in the spire reports that an enemy battalion seems to be forming up to the west on the road into Schrote. It is probably just outside of effective range of the baron's cannon. 'Ah, well', says Hunchmausen in a surprisingly philosophical mood. 'Drink to the dead all you still alive'. Orders are sent immediately to the Ostmarck troops currently lying low to be prepared to rise and give fire should the enemy noise be more than an attempt to cover up the sounds of the Nabstrian commander “at stool”.

 Ziegler's Headquarters: Day One, 11.10am

With much drumming, shouting, and the usual noisy expectorations that one would expect, the Bachscuttel battalion begins to form itself up into an open column on the Schrote road!

Captain Kugel continues the slow process of hurling his balls at the enemy. It would appear that the enemy infantry behind the hedge have decided to lie down. The enemy artillery remains silent.

The demonstration by the Bachscuttel battalion seems to elicit no response from the enemy. The troops hang around in column on the road for a few minutes, and then march back to their positions in cover.

Then, an aide sees through his telescope a rider approaching from Schrote under a flag of truce. One of Ziegler's staff meets him and returns with a message and a bottle of brandy! The message reads:

'Sir,
Please accept the gift and take pause, it seems too beautiful a day to ruin with the needless spilling of Nabstian blood so I repeat my offer of the honours of war to you and your men should you choose to retire now. Consider carefully,
Yours,
Hünchmausen'

'Pah!' says the colonel disdainfully. He takes the brandy but dismisses the enemy envoy, giving him the message: 'Dear Hunchmausen, You’re right: we all need the afternoon off - but we shall not be retiring!'

Zeigler then orders all of his men to stand down but keeps sentries posted. He orders Kugel to fire leisurely at the defenders for ten minutes every hour. Kugel is to conserve ammunition for a rapid half-hour bombardment from 1630 to 1700. At 1650, the Bachscuttel battalion will form up again and conduct a feint assault, advancing to enemy canister range before withdrawing.

'Where's my forge', says Ziegler to himself. 'A few hot-shot will liven things up!'

The colonel then turns to more details on his projected night raid. Ziegler himself will lead the raid. Accompanying him will be the elite of his jager. These will include:

Capt Hugo Von Stumpe (on attachment)

Sergeant Rabin Steiner

Corporal Ulfric Sander

Gefreiter Adelhard Schultz

Gefreiter Poldi Gunther

Gefreiter Berend Keller.

They have been joined by Fraulein Karlotte Werner, maid to Nora Hindquarters and highly skilled in the arts of espionage, just like her mistress! Karlotte is dressed as a comely milkmaid - her cover story is that she is searching for her lost cows and got lost herself: she will distract the sentries and guards to enable Ziegler’s team to slip into Schrote unnoticed. Karlotte is not above using her womanly wiles to get what she wants - or if that doesn’t work - the stiletto blade strapped attractively to her left thigh....

Stumpe salutes. 'It's a great honour, colonel, to be chosen for this desperate but vital enterprise! I was just wondering, sir, if we had a plan for our course of action once we try and get into Schrote. It's obviously not usually the Mittelheim way, I know sir - but I always find it comforting to have some kind of idea of a scheme of action'.

Ziegler nods. 'Well Stumpe, I’ve already told you! Frauleine Werner, distracts the sentries, we slip into Schrote (so to speak) and then we head straight to the Cathedral. Once in the Cathedral we find the priests and we extract as much information as we can about the whereabouts of the Bishop and the putative monarch. Our next course of action will depend mightily on the nature of the information extracted! And if we don’t return, we shall die gloriously and Colonel Dirkson of the Infanterie Regiment No.4 will take the force out of Schrote! The remaining Jaegers will rest throughout the day, then at nightfall, march round to the far side of Schrote, and assist in the infiltration and exhilaration of our force!'

'Excellent, sir!' says Stumpe enthusiastically. 'A chance one again to flick the earlobes of fear and to twist the nipples of terror!'

Zeigler's Headquarters: Day One, 11am

Hunchmausen's Headquarters: Day One 10.40am

Colonel Rimmer arrives at Schrote, along with Major de la Gardie, with two squadrons of Karnstein’s Dragoons, and Major Strigoi, leading three squadrons of the Bremse Hussar Regiment. Rimmer reports that his infantry are probably fifteen or twenty minutes behind. He has received Hunchmausen's message and sent a squadron of the Bremse hussars off to Oxfurt and Kambritz, via Tinkel Bridge and Tinkel Mill. To the west, the enemy have placed two guns on a low rise just inside medium range. The remainder of the enemy forces seem to have been placed to make best use of cover. The baron orders Rimmer to take up a flank guard position out of gunshot and cannon shot range, making use of cover, and to rest his troops.

Hunchmausen's own guns each have available 200 rounds of ammunition. He instructs his artillery commander, Captain Werner Wärtzog, to hold fire until decent targets present themselves.

Zeigler's Headquarters: Day One, 11am

At 10.40, Zeigler's guns commence their fire. With a roar*, the cannon start a slow, slow bombardment, beginning with the enemy infantry.

At 10.50, a messenger arrives with a report from the picquet tasked with investigating the situation in Hanau-Brancau. The hussars encountered no enemy forces on the road there. The village seems unoccupied by enemy troops and there were few villagers to be seen. There appear to be some armed civilians on watch – perhaps half a dozen. The remaining five hussars have stayed in the vicinity awaiting further orders.

At 10.52,  a hussar arrives from the picquet on the Tinkel road. At about 10.40 a body of enemy comprising of several squadrons of horse was seen entering Schrote from the direction of Widenlau by the picquet observing that road. One squadron of enemy hussars was seen heading in the direction of Tinkel Mill. The picquet were seen by the squadron, but the enemy did not pursue.

10.55: The two companies of Jager arrive. The don’t so much march in, as insinuate themselves forwards.

11.00: The rider sent to Flossen returns. He reports that there are no villagers there to look after the wounded Bachscuttelers. The village seems indeed to have been abandoned a long, long time ago. There did seem to be some signs of recent visitors. He noted recent indications of a camp-fire.



*This is a lie, created by later writers to increase dramatic effect. The first gun actually made a small ‘put’ sound; and the other a slightly louder ‘phut’.

Zeigler's Headquarters: Day One, 10.40am

Zeigler has arrived in the environs of Schrote. The enemy hussar squadron has regained Schrote itself, helped by a covering force of a regiment of enemy cavalry. Hussars have established a line of outposts to keep the town under observation. Patrols have made contact with the left of Colonel Nockenshoppe’s position. Nockenshoppe’s troops are deployed on either side of the Redderblau track. Colonel Pfanensteil informs Zeigler that the hussar stragglers have been returned to their units. He informs him that his wounded have been placed in Zeigler's wagons.

Within the town itself, it is clear that the enemy garrison is much stronger than that faced earlier by Pfanensteil – no doubt the troops chased by Nockenshoppes, at least a regular battalion and a cavalry regiment, are within the perimeter of the enemy defences. The enemy have made efforts to fortify the town, and several barricades have been thrown across the roads into Schrote itself.

The jager have yet to arrive, but will no doubt be here presently.

Zeigler decides immediately to send picquets to cover every road out of Schrote. 

His first plan is to bombard Schrote into submission using his pair of guns, flattening every building. To this end, and to add to the fun, he sends a picquet of hussars back to Humpe to find a blacksmith and the means to create some heated shot. The gunners are put under strict orders not to target the cathedral itself, although ‘overs’ will be, of course, regrettably inevitable and the chipped stonework will simply add rustic charm to the building (and value to the building’s draw for tourists 200 years hence).

Zeigler's artillery commander, Captain Kugel, snaps a salute. 'Colonel – both of my guns are ready to deploy! Do you wish me to place them on a low rise, for maximum fields of vision (which would also make them more visible); or, is it your intention that we should only concern ourselves with enemy buildings, in which case they could be in a less visible position, from which they would still be able to target the upper stories? Do you wish me to position the guns at a range that will allow all of the enemy buildings to be brought under fire, or can we deploy further back?’

The colonel seems tetchy. 'Kugel, stop bothering me with questions that you should be able to resolve yourself! Deploy the guns so that they can hit the lower stories of the first row of houses - target the red house first. Keep well out of musket range but close enough to secure easy hits on the houses. The aim is to demolish each house in turn, thus collapsing the buildings and the enemies morale at the same time!'

Zeigler gets even tetchier when he realises that each 'house' actually represents 8-12 actual buildings, leaving his two guns, a 3pdr and 6pdr, quite a lot of work to do. Kugel is dispatched to find Zeigler's sh*t, which the colonel has now comprehensively lost.

 

The colonel comes up with a second plan. He orders Kugel to fire at the enemy infantry holding the hedge line. The rest of his troops he draws up just outside of artillery range. His intention now is to bombard and demonstrate until night fall (hopefully by then the blacksmith will have turned up to heat the shot). The artillery will fire off 80 rounds each of the 200 that they have available. Every half hour, one or other of the musketeer battalions will form up into an attack column, with much beating of drums, but will then stand down. As dusk approaches, the fire will be redoubled, and the Bachscuttel musketeers will form up and then march forwards to just outside of enemy canister shot, before withdrawing.

The purpose of this activity will be to keep the enemy's attention fixed on his main force. This is because Zeigler himself intends to lead a small group of elite troops in a raid upon the cathedral! He will seize the bishop; spirit him out of the town; and squeeze from him the whereabouts of the emperor! This plan has the obvious advantage that, in Mittelheim, clandestine raids on enemy positions never go wrong: never, ever, ever, ever. 

Hunchmausen's Headquarters, Day One, 10.35am!

Ominous sounds of sporadic firing can be heard from the south and west. Reports indicate the safe extraction of Kinski’s squadron and the concentration of Hunchmausen's available forces in Schrote itself. A quick look from the perimeter of the baron's defences makes it clear that the enemy have arrived! A few vain pot-shots to and from the line of enemy outposts explains the firing.

Thanks to his observer in the cathedral spire, Hunchmausen has what appears to be quite reasonable intelligence on the enemy numbers. To the south, the force is that from Redderblau – perhaps one battalion of infantry and one of cavalry. To the east, at least two battalions of musketeers, and two regiments of cavalry, accompanied by wagons and guns.

There also seems to be a considerable force of horsemen approaching from the northeast on the road from Widenlau. They are perhaps five minutes distant, galloping like the very devil is after them!

In the mean time, Major Enzerdinsz, detached from the Frettchen Jager Regiment, arrives to report.

‘Sir!’ he snaps, in a manner surprisingly crisp and professional for a jager. The major has none of the feral slyness and louche demeanour so common amongst light infantry officers. ‘I come to report on my conversations with that Friar fellow, sir, and observations regarding the bishop’s activities!’

‘Excellent!’, replies Munchausen. ‘Has he confessed?’

‘Not exactly, sir. He is surprisingly resistant to my questions. All I can extract from him is that the emperor asked for a nightcap last night, perhaps around eight-ish, and then said that that he was going for a walk. His guards confirm that a drink was indeed delivered to his room, but that he never came out. In the morning, he was missing – vanished!’

Munchausen furrows his brow. ‘Vanished! It’s like that old oak …’

‘Or, sir’, interrupts Czernazmije, ‘perhaps there’s more to this cathedral than we guess’.

‘You’re right, Jernyburny!’ says the baron. ‘Although, I don’t know what you mean at all’.

‘The bishop, sir’, interrupts the major. ‘He’s done nothing, according to the servants that I questioned. ‘He’s just been at the vestry wine, his mood lifting when the enemy get closer, and falling again when they’re further away. You’d think he didn’t want us to keep the enemy away from his church’.

“This is a puzzle and no mistake” muses Hünchmausen aloud, “The Emperor put on his nightcap then decided to go for a walk? Extraordinary! But then Emperor’s are different to the rest of us aren’t they? I’m sure he knew what he was doing…”

“I strongly suspect, sir,” interrupts Czernazmije “that the nightcap in question was more of an alcoholic nip than night attire, I’d also suspect it contained some sedative or other intoxicant, sir”

“Drugged by God!” exclaimed Hünchmausen.

“No, sir, by the Bishop”.

“Oh come now, Zernazizzle, surely not, after all he’s a man of the cloth!”

“Cloth? I assume you mean he’s a toerag, sir? His reputation for arrant depravity and debauchery would make a Borgia blush!"

'Why would soup blush?' asks the baron, mystified.

'That's borscht, sir' says Czernazmije. 'The Borgias were ...' The Vulgarian stops, recognising that he only has one life. 'Actually, sir, yes: self-evidently borscht is unlikely to have a strong opinion on any of the bishop's activities. We should see what the enemy are about, sir'.

'Quite, quite - let us inspect their positions again'.

Hunchmausen's Headquarters: Day One, 10.28am!

The weather remains fine.

The baron's forces return safely to Schrote. His regular infantry are filing in. To the rear, his jager and hussars are now closing up behind, having covered the withdrawal. It would seem that his ambush has instilled a caution in the following Bachscuttel troops, and they follow at a reasonable distance. In uncharacteristic fashion, whilst they watch, they don’t interfere.

Earlier, Hunchmausen had ordered work undertaken to prepare additional defences for the town. Rustling up 120 people, including the local militia, for nearly half an hour, the defenders have succeeded in creating gabioned positions for the two guns; and a reasonable selection of additional barricades, formed by barrels filled with earth, carts, furniture, and household pets [This amounts to 8 inches of additional barricades for Schrote]. This being a full day’s work for most of the locals, they are now looking forward to an early dinner, and bed by 11am.

In Schrote, two messengers are waiting for Hunchamausen. One has a missive from Colonel Rimmer, sent at 09.55 this morning.

“Baron,
At Widenlau. Will proceed to you with all speed. Cavalry ride immediately; infantry follow at best speed. Wagons and Traitor follow after. Amusing cage currently under construction in Schmallenhard.
Rimmer (Col. Brev.)”

The second is from the observer in the cathedral spire. Sadly, it would seem that Kinski has failed. It was observed that, after Kinski’s attempt to feint some feints, the enemy cavalry actually sped up. They have chased Kinski back towards Schrote. The cavalry, Hunchmausen's and the enemy’s, will arrive imminently, with the rest of the enemy force not far behind.

The baron sends hussars and dragoons to aid Kinski in his retreat.

At that moment, another messenger arrives and presents himself at the baron’s headquarters.

‘Sir!’ he says, saluting, and then wincing at the pain caused by this sudden movement. ‘Ensign Dragosani, Bremse Hussar Regiment reporting!’

‘Excellent’, says Baron Hunchmausen. ‘Now, who’s side are you on?’

Dragosani looks blankly at the baron. Then, concluding that this is probably some kind of test, or even an example of the Gelderland sense of humour, he ploughs on. ‘Sir! I have, according to your intent, and Colonel Rimmer’s orders, made contact with the Lady Ingretta and sought intelligence that might help discern the whereabouts of Emperor George! She was initially sceptical of my presence, and unimpressed by my various attempts at cajoling and flattery; and so, as ordered I … I was forced to make the ultimate sacrifice. Three times. It was … it was … a difficult task’. The ensign’s voice cracks. ‘She was a woman both old and … demanding. And also’, he winces, ‘surprisingly strong’.

The baron nods. ‘One must make sacrifices for one’s country, ensign! Now, did she have anything interesting to say?’

‘Indeed, sir. It would seem that, in terms of traditional hiding places, there are old vaults in both Kambritz and Oxfurt that are rumoured often to be used by the universities to store all kinds of things that they want to keep hidden. And also, there’s Flossen, sir. It’s an abandoned village just south of Redderblau Hill. It’s often rumoured to be frequented by smugglers and such, who often stash things there’.

‘And that’s it?’ says the baron. ‘She hasn’t any more to tell?’

The ensign swallows painfully. ‘I am only flesh and blood, my lord. There’s only so much I can … rustle up or … or … squeeze out’.

'Ha! Excellent!', says the baron. Thanking Dragosani for his diligence, Hunchmausen directs him to return to Rimmer with a request that a squadron of hussars be diverted to Oxfurt und Kambritz to make a search of the old vaults.

Retreat! Obvs!

With the Bachscuttelers disengaging faster than a man who has just found out that his fiancee is his younger brother, Baron Hunchmausen reaches the difficult decision to withdraw. With the enemy retreating so quickly, he cannot overrun them quickly enough to guarantee that the Nabstrians to the west won't arrive on his flank at some inconvenient time and ruin his fun. He makes the decision, however, to hide his jagers in the woods as retreats, hoping that they might be in a position to ambush someone.

Goethe-Nockenshoppe's Headquarters,  10.15am

'Crikey', says Hammertheim, looking through his telescope. 'The enemy light troops seem to have disappeared. And the enemy cavalry and musketeers now seem to be retreating northwards, presumably back to Schrote. What should we do Colonel Nockenshoppe?'
The colonel consders this before saying: 'Follow them up and keep them under observation but do not become seriously engaged. Send a galloper to Ziegler informing him of the enemy movements and that we are keeping them under observation'.

Hunchmausen's Headquarters, 10.15am

'Well, sir' says Czernazmije. 'It seems as if the enemy are following us as we withdraw, and keeping us under observation! Now, if only the enemy are unobservant, and our jager are as well hidden as shadows in a cupboard full of slightly darker shadows!'
'Indeed', says the baron. 'We'll have to hope that the commander of the jager is a competent fellow. What's his name again, Bumperjumper?'
'Bartoszewicz, sir, a Pole -  no stranger to action; and our jägers are all woodsmen, huntsmen with a fair smattering of poachers, so I have every confidence sir."
The baron nods. ‘Barftosservitch – yes, that’s the chap!

Goethe-Nockenshoppe's Headquarters,  10.17am

The colonel's careful advance and observation commences. After a short time, however, a sudden volley explodes from nearby woods into the vanguard of his force, a squadron of the Kreigwurst hussars! The squadron is broken and flees back to the main column, before rallying. It seems that the enemy jager had ensconced themselves in nearby woods. Clearly hiding themselves very successfully, the enemy at least were spotted at long range, and so were forced to fire prematurely, or matters might have been worse!

Hussaren von Kreigwurst
First Squadron: 76 effectives – six dead, nine lightly wounded, nine heavily wounded.

Hunchmausen's Headquarters, 10.17am

As the main part of your Hunchmausen's force continues to withdraw, there is to the rear the satisfying sound of an explosive volley of musketry! Although spotted by a vanguard of enemy cavalry at long range, the fire from the jager was still able to inflict twenty or thirty casualties on the enemy squadron, which also broke and fled. Hunchmausen is pleased, but orders the jager to retire speedily, making best use of the ground between the wood and Schrote. The hussars return to aid their withdrawal.

Goethe-Nockenshoppe's Headquarters,  10.18am

'Ambush! Bah!' grumbles the colonel. 'Keep at a distance and keep them under observation. Send a rider to the village of Flossen - get the villagers to tend to the wounded. Send a picquet to scout out Hanau-Brancau and report back on whether it is occupied by the enemy'.

Zeigler's Headquarters, 10.27am

A messenger arrives from Colonel Nockenshoppes at 10.20. He acknowledges Zeigler's message of 9.55. He has encountered an enemy force consisting of a battalion at least of regular infantry, supported by jager, and a regiment of enemy cavalry. He intends to move northwest towards Humpe.

Another messenger arrives from Colonel Nockenshoppes at 10.27, sent originally at 10.10. The enemy are now withdrawing. His forces will follow cautiously, keeping them under observation, and join with Zeigler's forces at Schrote.

Slugging it Out!

Baron Hunchmausen's hussars advance to his left. The intention is to try and  pin the enemy but counter-charge if attacked.

The baron's jager arrive on the track. He orders them to work their way round to the right. Hopping off the road, they begin pushing through the trees. The dragoons have already moved off ahead. The Ostmarck battalion then arrives.

The Gelderland dragoons push forwards rapidly, taking up a position at the bottom of the low hill, and hemming in the Bachscuttel troops. They are, however, outside of charge range at this stage.

Surveying the situation, Colonel Goethe-Nockenshoppes reaches a typically Bachscuttel conlusion - to scuttle backwards. 'Pull back!' he orders. 'Disengage!'. He intends to move north east in the direction of Humpe (ie towards the main force), retiring in stages by squadrons and companies. He gives explicit orders to avoid contacting the enemy.

'Hmmmm', says Baron Hunchmauson. 'Chumpbumpy, those Bachscuttelers are suddenly surprisingly agile'.
'It's Czernazmije, sir', says Czernazmije. 'And indeed, sir, from being more sluggardly than a sluggish slug, they now have really got a wiggle on'.
'Like a wiggly slug', says the baron.
'Indeed, sir. If such a thing exists'.

 

'Excellent!' says Colonel Goethe-Nockenshoppes. 'I didn't realise that the men had it in them!'
'Indeed, colonel', says Lt Colonel Klaus von Hammertheim, 'Sometimes, all the men need is an opportunity to take what's inside, and then get it out, and wave it around a bit'.
'It is the Bachscuttel way, Hammertheim. Now, have you answered the message that we received from Colonel Zeigler?'
'Yes, sir, I did'.
'Excellent'.
'Also, I scented the message with some cologne'.
Nockenshoppes considers this. 'Does that set the right tone, Hammertheim?' he asks finally.
'We may be at war, colonel, but we are still gentlemen'.
'Yes, but it was a military message, Hammertheim - I wasn't asking him out to dinner'.
'Well, sir - you never know'.

Herge's Adventures of 10.10!

... charge carelessly forwards! Huzzah! Zeigler guesses that the enemy is clearly outnumbered and is attempting to cover this fact through furious activity. His view is that the enemy squadron’s horses will now be blown and unable to resist a combined charge by two regiments of horse! 'Advance on Schrote!' cries the colonel, and orders the hussars and dragoons to clear away the enemy! If anything, then, Kinski's force has encouraged the advancing Nabstrians to speed up. Cursing, Kinski orders his little force to retire quickly. As this is happening, events elsewhere are unfolding.

Hunchmausen's Headquarters, 10.10

Secure in the knowledge that Kinski will have slowed the enemy advance from the west, the baron prepares his troops for the attack on the Bachscuttelers advancing from the southwest. The cavlry set of immediately at high speed. The jägers follow, preceding the line troops, on the basis they may be a bit faster and able to deploy out into formation quicker or into cover. His guns remain in Schrote, being carefully positioned to cover the enemy approach and having gabions fashioned or other protections created. Leading the bulk of his immediate forces out to the southwest of Schrote, Hunchmausen soon encounters the enemy troops advancing from Redderblau Hill, at a position less than a quarter of a mile from the town. Riding furiously, his five squadrons of cavalry have arrived at the enemy first. His light troops and regulars will follow on behind.

The hussars deploy to the left of the track, the dragoons on the right of it.

The hussars will advance toward the enemy squadron on the hill by way of the field ahead and to their left if passable, swinging round to deploy between the wood and the single tree, with the hill to their rear. The dragoons will advance ahead to the hill and deploy between the first hedge and up the hill.

Nockenshoppe's Headquarters, 10.10

Advancing from Redderblau Hill and pushing to within a quarter of a mile of Schrote, the Bachscuttel light troops and cavalry, under the command of Colonel Goethe-Nockenshoppes, encounter what looks like a force of enemy cavalry. A scouting squadron on the hill to the right determines that the enemy cavalry are being followed by infantry, although the enemy force does not seem so much larger than his own. The light troops will follow on immediately behind the hussars.



As an advanced guard with no main body behind him, the colonel decides that his role is to screen, observe, but not become seriously engaged. He will push his light infantry into the wood to his left. The hussars will deploy into line of battle but will not advance beyond the cover of the light infantry’s muskets. Nockenshoppe's determines that he will hold position until pressed, and then retire by squadrons and companies.

Zeigler's Headquarters, 10.10

The enemy hussars fall back in front of Zeigler's advancing cavalry. To the west, sounds of sustained musketry commence! 'Push on!' declares Zeigler. 'It sounds as if an engagement has begun with the Bachscuttel advanced guard - the main body must come to their assistance!'

A Faint Feint!

At Baron Hunchmausen's headquarters, Czernazmije taps the map and says:
'…. we attempt to overwhelm the smaller southwesterly force before the enemy main body arrives'.

The baron nods. 'I like it, Zebrabebra - it's bold; it's ballsy; and, if it goes wrong, it's your idea and not mine!'
Orders are issued swiftly. Apart from a squadron of hussars to screen the main enemy force approaching from the west, all the remaining hussars and the dragoons, supported by the Jägers and Ostmarck Battalion, will attempt a swift strike southwestwards before the enemy can organise properly. “G for Gelderland!”

Much of the success of the plan will depend upon the hussar squadron that will confront Zeigler's force. This squadron will seek to trick Zeigler into deploying out of march column and into battle array. In order to do so, it has been ordered to feint a feint. The force will try to give the appearance of wanting to lure Zeigler's force into a trap. It will approach nearer, then very obviously turn tail, pausing to see if the enemy are following and if not trying again. To aid matters, it turns out that the squadron commander, Major Kinski, is a leading light of the Gelderland Light Cavalry Operatic Society. Obviously, the hope is that Zeigler will assume that a large enemy force is lying in wait somewhere to his front.

Zeigler's Headquarters, 10.05am

A galloper returns from Pfanensteil. The colonel reports that his forces were initially pursued from Schrote by a superior force of enemy horse. This pursuit then stopped. He has now been contacted by what seems to be a single squadron of enemy hussars.

Even as Zeigler reads the message, his force arrives at Pfanenstiel's position. Pfanenstiel reports that the small enemy force has launched a series of furious charges, but each time has then suddenly retreated before contact to its current position near the hill.

Zeigler considers his options. An enemy squadron, all on its own, trying to encourage his forces to charge hell-for-leather into a careless charge forwards? It can mean only one thing ...

Zeigler's Headquarters: Day One, 10am!

Situation 9.40am, Day One

The weather is fine.

The main body of Zeigler's force is just short of Humpe. A messenger has arrived from Colonel Pfanensteil, who reports that Schrote is held by a weak enemy force: he intends to attack at once and seize the town. Success is assured. A few minutes after the receipt of this message, the firing from the east begins to die down. Thus far, the advancing main force has met no resistance. The few civilians not driven from the roads by the hussar advance guard have evinced unease, but no outright hostility.

Zeigler should be at Schrote within an hour. Probably.


Situation 9.50am, Day One

Zeigler's forces has just passed through the hamlet of Humpe. Not coincidently, ‘Humpe’ rhymes with ‘dump’. Most of the villagers seem to have fled. In Humpe, the colonel detaches his two companies of jager. They will take the road to Tinkel Mill, burn it, and then move on to Oxfurt and Kambritz.

A messenger arrives from the Bachscuttel column, having ridden cross-country. The courier carries a message written at 9.30am, informing Zeigler that the Bachscuttelers have reached Redderblau Hill. It has been searched and there is no sign of Emperor George. From the position on the hill, an enemy force can be seen half a mile or so short of Schrote, approaching along the Hanau-Brancau road. The force seems to be more than a thousand strong, with guns and wagons. The Bachscuttel force will push forwards towards Schrote.

At 9.55am, Zeigler sends a messenger to recall the jager, deciding that there is likely to be a main engagement at Schrote. He then sends a messenger back to the Bachscuttel detachment, ordering them to unite with the main body at Schrote. If this union is impossible due to the location of enemy forces, they are to harry the enemy rear, and attempt to seize wagons and baggage.

Situation 10am, Day One

The cathedral spire of Schrote has come into sight. Zeigler's force is probably only a mile or so from the town itself. The colonel decides to push on but warns all regiments that the main enemy force is likely to be near. He sends a galloper to make contact with von Pfanenstiel and report back.

Hunchmausen's Headquarters: Day One, 9.55am

The situation at 9.40am

At 9.10am, Baron Hunchmausen despatches a messenger to find Colonel Rimmer and inform him of the sounds of firing at Schrote and his intent to hurry there at best speed. At 9.20, a message, written at 9.10, arrives by rider from Colonel Kluck und Gluck: Schrote is being assaulted by a force comprising of a regiment of enemy hussars. He urges the baron to hurry to his assistance.

Hunchmausen hurries forwards towards Schrote. As he nears the town, the sound of firing grows louder and smoke rises from the town itself. At 9.38, a messenger arrives from Colonel Rimmer, written at 8.00am, acknowledging receipt of his orders. He will move his main force to Widenlau according to the route that the baron has specified, and has detached officers on the missions that Hunchmausen has designated.

At 9.40, the Baron arrives in Schrote just as the battle there is ending. Colonel Kluck und Gluck is giving a speech. A few of the houses are smouldering. Luckily, and rather surprisingly given the otherwise fine weather, it seems to have been raining here, which has helped deal with the fires. The enemy have been driven off, but not broken. From the cathedral spire it can be seen that enemy hussars seem to be maintaining posts of observation a short distance to the west, on the Schrote-Bautzen road. The colonel notes that he has captured 29 of the enemy – 19 are heavily wounded; the remaining nine are as healthy as can be expected from hussars that are also Nabstrian. Luckily for the prisoners, they were captured by the Gelderlanders: the Vulgarians would have wasted no time in building a wicker man and offering thanks to Czernobog, the Dark Master.

Hünchmausen congratulates the colonel and sends for a local surgeon/carpenter to tend to all wounded parties. He orders a report regarding the whereabouts of the Emperor, and orders a private meeting in which he will quiz Friar Conviction for any information.

Meanwhile Schtiffi and three hussar squadrons, supported by a squadron of dragoons, scout the enemy outposts to the west with a view to driving them off. The remaining hussars scout a little way down the south west track towards Redderblau Hill and The Eastern Marsh.

The Situation at 9.55am

The weather is fine again. Who knew?

Bishop Baldwin insists that he, and not Friar Conviction, should be the one to talk to the baron. He  engages Hunchmausen in a short and rather elliptical conversation at the cathedral, in which the bishop exhibits only the haziest of recollections as to where the Emperor was when he went missing, or, indeed, who he might have been in the first place. This meeting, however, is suddenly interrupted! Messages arrived from the cavalry forces to the west and southwest. To the west, Major Zchtiffi reports that the Nabstrian hussars have easily given ground and that the line of their outposts now sits some quarter of a mile from Schrote. He wishes to know if he should push harder, as it were, and continue advancing westwards along the road.

More significantly, to the southwest, hussar scouts report bumping into a superior force of enemy hussars on the track to Redderbalu Hill; probably a regiment in strength and probably Bachscuttel, by the shabbiness of their uniforms. The observer on the cathedral spire confirms this information, and reports that the enemy force is advancing rapidly and is now probably half a mile distant. Enemy infantry seem to be following – perhaps in battalion strength!

Hünchmausen casually mentions to the bishop that two Guildsmen of VAGG, two of Chief Justice Kutsnutzov’s most skilled operatives, are accompanying the Vulgarian relief force approaching Schrote and so, with a shudder, answers will no doubt soon be forthcoming in due course. The baron then secretly send a trusted aide to meet with Friar Conviction and question him. A close watch is set on the bishop.

With the arrival of news from the various scouts, Hünchmausen despatches a messenger towards Widenlau to find Rimmer and urges him to move swiftly to join the Gelderlanders at Schrote.

Zchtiffi is ordered to leave a few men to shadow the enemy and report, but the bulk of his forces, hussars and dragoons, are to regroup with the main force at Schrote. Similarly,since the watchers from the spire can see the enemy advance from Redderblau, the hussar force there withdraws leaving just an observer or two to keep a close watch on the enemy advance. In the meantime, Hunchmausen begins organising forces around the southern area of Schrote, facing Redderblau, looking at defensible positions such as hills and places to position artillery and anchor the flanks.



Returning to his headquarters, the baron considers his situation.
'Schrote is surprisingly large, Czibimibbly', he says ruefully, staring down at the map.
'It's Czernazmije, sir', says Czernazmije. 'But that's a map of Italy, my lord. See, here is our map of Schrote'. He unfolds a tiny piece of paper. The assembled officers lean forward, desperately trying to discern some detail on the undersized drawing. 'So', says the Vulgarian, pointing a finger at the map, and so, incidentally, covering most of it up, 'The enemy advancing from the west is probably half an hour away; and from the southwest only, perhaps, ten minutes. In each case, though, and notwithstanding cavalry deployed to screen the advance, the enemy are in march column for travel on roads/tracks. They can either try and attack straight from the march, with all of the difficulties that would entail; or, they can spend time deploying first, and then attacking us. As to Rimmer: we sent him a messenger about an hour ago. In theory, assuming no cock-ups (the other officers sigh pessimistically) he should at least be at Widenlau and have already received our missive: that would mean that he has three miles to cover: that's about an hour to force march his infantry, but about half an hour or so for his cavalry. Of course, if he's closer than Widenlau, then it'll be less. And if he's stopped for refreshments, then it could be longer'.
'Hmmmm', says the baron. 'What to do; what to do?'
The assembled officers wait expectantly.
'No, seriously, gentlemen', says the baron. 'What should I do?'
Czernazmije clears his throat.
'Chibblybibbly?' says Munchausen hopefully.
'Alas, sir' says Czernazmije', Chibblybibbly isn't here. But, in my opinion, this is what we should do ....'"

The Butcher's Bill!

Two shillings for sausages and some chops. Of more relevance, though, are the losses for both sides.

It is clear that Colonel Kluck und Gluck expected to get a bit of a seeing to in his defence of Schrote, so he is pleasantly surprised by the outcome. He praises the defenders in a short speech and puts money aside to the Bürgermeister to help pay for funerals and also organise a rudimentary uniform for the mighty "Citizens Militia”. He directs an NCO to start giving some rudimentary training.
He turns to Major Freeth, a Scot in Gelderland service:
“Tell me Freeth, you served for a while with the Nabstrians, didn’t you?”
“Aye, sir”
“Do you know anything of this Pfanensteil, fellow?”
“No' a lot sir, he’s a vicious auld teuchter wi’ ainly a care fer swallin' booze an fer hochmagandy, d’ye ken?”
“Erm, not really but thank you for your insight."



The colonel meets up with Major Zchtiffi to discuss matters and dispatch a report to Hünchmausen. He also asks the Bürgermeister to send for further volunteers from surrounding villages to make up the numbers.

In relation to the outcomes of the battle, Colonel von Kluck und Gluck has received an additional trait. Not only is he born under a 'Lucky Star', he is now also 'Impetuous'.

The current strength of the troops in Schrote are:

Lieb Grenadiere Company:

Commander: Colonel von Kluck und Gluck

2ic: Lt Colonel Schlappkopf

89 men present for duty (2 dead, 4 lightly wounded, 3 heavily wounded, 2 seconded to the Schrote militia).

Schrote Militia:

First Detachment: 26 men present, including seconded grenadier NCO (8 dead, 16 lightly wounded, 16 heavily wounded).

Second Detachment: 66 men present, including seconded grenadier NCO (No casualties).


Hussar Regt. Schmetterling:

Commander: Major Zchtiffi

First squadron: 100 men present (no casualties)

On the other hand, the Pfannensteil Hussars now have a total strength of  278 men fit for duty.

Von Pfanensteil is Stubborn; and he was born under a ‘Lucky Star’.

1st Squadron (Major Merten Kruger): 92 men present (8 men have been lost to straggling, but they will no doubt catch up).

2nd Squadron (Captain Siegried Bergmann) 68 men present (7 killed; 13 lightly wounded; 6 heavily wounded, 6 heavily wounded and captured).

3rd Squadron: Captain Karsten Winkler: 27 men present (13 killed, 25 lightly wounded, 13 heavily wounded, 22 captured, of whom 13 were heavily wounded).

4th Squadron: Major Stefan Baumann (also includes Lieutenant Hilbert Kunkel). 91 men present (9 men have been lost as stragglers, but they will no doubt rejoin soon).