Tactically Regroup!

Discretion being the better part of valour - and of course, by 'better' we mean 'the only' - the attacking Nabstrian forces clearly decide that it is time to 'tactically re-group'. Benefitting from two activations in a row, the remains of First Squadron retire back into one of the buildings. They then set it on fire, because they are Nabstrians and there are no kittens available for them to be cruel to. Second Squadron retires to the hedges, being careful to stay out of the enemy firing zone. The shaken remnants of Third Squadron are able to rally and also retire in the building behind. 

(Below) Having lost all of their hussar mojo, Pfanenstiel's mounted reserve retires slightly. In the light of his heavy casualties and not wishing his fine force of light cavalry to be further denuded mucking about in buildings, and with the likely arrival of further enemy forces, von Pfanenstiel gives the order to withdraw. The horse holders begin to move towards the dismounted units. Demonstrating his usual sensitivity, the colonel orders his men to burn all of the occupied buildings before retreating, no doubt also ordering that all children's toys be smashed, and that any baby animals encountered should be covered in glue. He also sends messengers to the west and southwest, reporting: "Light enemy resistance in Schrote - perhaps company sized. Civilians resisted. Enemy regiment of hussars in vicinity. Will need main force to extirpate resistance".

From the town hall, a single Gelderland Lieb-Grenadier Lt. Colonel waves a flag of truce. He addresses the Nabstrian hussars: 'I come under a flag of truce to offer you terms for your surrender! Sirs, you have fought bravely and you have fought well!' The emissary looks at the piles of Nabstrian dead and wounded. 'Or at least, quite well, according to some dictionary definitions of the word. Being a gentleman of reason, my commander, Colonel von Cluck und Gluck, has seen fit to offer you the honours of war! Upon your surrender, you must give up your weapons, but you shall otherwise be free to leave the field of battle unmolested! Beware! If you turn down this offer, then make no mistake - a variety of unspecified, but terrible, things will happen to you! None of you will live to see your mothers, or other responsible adults, again! Surrender - or die! Now, what say you to this most generous offer?'

Pfanenstiel is unmoved, however:  'Get thee hence, you villainous cur! Your commander is no gentleman! Forcing civilians to fight plumbs the very depths of dishonour! We shall have no truck with you - and be assured we shall return to settle scores with you!'
'Dieser Feind ist ein verückter Arschclown!' mutters von Kluck und Glück.

The encounter comes to a close. The Gelderland hussars occupy the house on the hill. Pfanensteil's hussars regroup - all except for the solitary survivor of Third Squadron: a 'morale' card forces a check, and he routs from the field! Pfanenstiel's hussars have been repelled! Overall losses are 14 figures for the attackers and 8 for the defenders.

But what, in the meantime, has been happening elsewhere?

Gnnnn!

Charge! There are eleven hussars trying to break in! There are six grenadiers on the ground floor, along with their commander, Colonel Kluck und Gluck! The colonel looks to the possibility of help from his men upstairs. Sadly, however, having had the benefit of them shooting from the windows, they are too far away to intervene immediately in the coming fight.

The Nabstrian troops rush the doors and windows of the town hall!

The hussars attack furiously! One grenadier falls dead!
The grenadiers attack savagely! Three hussars fall dead!
The grenadiers must test their morale first - they pass!

First squadron must test! It fails and recoils!
Third squadron must test! It fails, and recoils shaken!

'Hurrah!' cries Kluck. 'Confound it!' cries Pfanenstiel.
There are now ten little lead Nabstrian bodies strewn around the streets of Schrote.

Along with the poignant sound of the Mittelheim’s smallest violin, the retreating Nabstrians hear stirring cries of “G for Gelderland!” and “Gott Straffe Nabstria!”, rather tarnished by calls from Grenadier Pinkmann of 'Yo! Come at me bro!' and 'Yeah, you know how to run, bitches!'

Urgent Action!

The Fourth Squadron of Pfanenstiel's hussars deploys into line, preparatory to action.  As soon as the enemy appear from behind the wood to their front, they intend to apply a vigorous charge. As hussars, of course, they don't tend to think too hard about alternative options. With the enemy also being composed of hussars, all the signs are that the situation on this part of the battlefield will soon degenerate into a typical hussar-on-hussar brawl - a combat with the finesse of two groups of honey-badgers clashing at a free bar.

Frustratingly, however, the enemy seem to have been seized with an unhussar-like caution. Zchtiffi's squadron dismounts and begins to advance into the woods. Although Pfanenstiel doesn't know it, the Gelderlanders intend to line the edge of the wood and confine themselves to taking pot-shots at a distance.

In Schrote itself, the main event begins. First and Third of Pfanenstiel's squadrons quit the cover of their houses, and run forwards towards the town hall. Inside the building is Colonel Kluck and his grenadiers; if they are defeated, then the defence of Schrote is probably over! 

(Above) First and Third Nabstrian squadrons advance. Suddenly, fire breaks out from the warehouse to the right! Four shots are directed against Third squadron. They all miss! From the house to the immediate right, a volley of female curses is hurled at the Nabstrians! Items are thrown against Third Squadron - two rolling pins; some stones; a hat; a retaining plunger; and a small but vicious dog. There is a hit; but no one is killed!

(Above) Then, an explosive volley issues from the town hall! Thirteen shots! Two hussars of Third Squadron fall to the ground dead! Will their morale holds? Yes! The charge commences ...

A Welcome Zchtiffi!

A welcome development for Colonel Kluck und Gluck! The vanguard of Baron Hunchmausen's column, a squadron of the Schmettering Hussars under Major Zchtiffi has arrived. Displaying great initiative, the major has swung his force around the battlefield, and now approaches from the flank! The major's initial plan is that he might charge the enemy that were between the buildings to his front: “G for Gelderland!” However, the dismounted enemy hussars have now either occupied buildings or are behind a hedge. Zchtiffi decides to dismount three of his squadrons and push them into the woods on his left - from there, he can molest the mounted enemy squadron with carbine fire.

Colonel von Pfanenstiel sees the enemy force arrives and grumbles loudly. 'Bah! We would have seen their dust cloud and been able to charge them while they were in march column! No matter - they are clearly the most pressing threat! Fourth Squadron! Form line! We will not charge them until they clear the wood but then... we shall have at them! Second squadron, once in the buildings can give fire, or if they are still behind the hedge, pivot and give fire!'

Retreat! Charge!

(Below left) First squadron makes a rush for the leftward building. But as they cross the hedge, a volley crashes out from the town hall in front of the cathedral! Kluck's grenadiers have fired! Two hussars fall dead! Stunned, the squadron recoils back behind the hedge. Firing then breaks out to Second Squadron's front again (7 shots) but they all miss! Third squadron (below right) is subjected to four shots from another building, but they all miss!

In the town hall, Kluck, appropriately enough, is cock-a-whoop!

'Excellent! Well done lovely boys! Keep it up!'
In the upper stories of the houses, some redoubtable local ladies are preparing to do their bit - in the chamberpots, that is, which they will empty over the heads of any enemy that come close.
The grenadiers, well-trained as they are, reload, ready to fire again.



(Above left) First Nabstrian squadron moves into the three storey building, taking a route that keeps them out of sight of the town hall. (Above middle) Second Nabstrian squadron fires, but misses. Third Squadron charges! Fierce combat ensues at the window of the building. One hussar is killed, and all four of the enemy civilians. The remaining three civilians in the upper storey can take no more and with a cry of 'yippee! See you suckers!' they rout from the table!

(Below) The Nabstrians activate again - First and Third Squadrons occupy their buildings. Second Squadron, still behind the hedge, reloads. From the upper storey of the building containing First Squadron, a number of local ladies emerge into the lower storey carrying a white flag crafted from some undergarments. One is singing a broken version of the Nabstrian national anthem. The upper storey seems to contain a variety of heavy objects, including a chamberpot (partially filled), a tea set, a small anvil, a worried looking dog, and some bedposts, all of which the ladies claim that they were 'just polishing when the fighting broke out and had no intention of throwing out of the window. Not ever'.



When Von Pfanenstiel realises that his men have been fired upon - and killed - by civilians, he is monumentally angry. ‘Who ordered this?!’ he cries.‘When we take Schrote, the poltroon will answer to me! Forcing civilians to take up arms against all the laws of war and nature! Whoever their commander is shall pay a heavy price!' The colonel is also angry for he realises he has no option now but to summarily execute any civilians who took up arms - and to pillage and burn Schrote as a harsh but just reprisal. But first the town must be captured and the Bishop found!

Pfanenstiel quickly issues orders for the decisive assault. 'First and Third Squadrons: charge the Town Hall! Second Squadron, secure both occupied buildings. Fourth Squadron: Gallop through to the Cathedral and secure all priests, vestments and the like. Begin interrogations on the whereabouts of the Bishop!'

Advance!

From the vantage point of Schrote cathedral's spire, Kluck und Gluck's observer can see the enemy deployment. There are four enemy hussar squadrons. Three however, have dismounted: who knew that such things were possible? They even have carbines! Kluck hurrumphs - such things didn't happen in his day. This does mean that some of them have to remain as horse holders, though, so the dismounted units are weaker than they might otherwise be, and some have also lost some stragglers in their impetuous ride from the border. Two squadrons, it would seem, are set to advance towards the large field in front of them; and the other will clear the red building on the hill. The mounted squadron remains in reserve.

As soon as the encounter begins, an event, seemingly almost random, then occurs: despite the generally fine weather, rain clouds gather suddenly over Schrote, and a downpour begins. This reduces visibility and the effectiveness of long-range musketry.

Both of these are useful for Friar Conviction. As it turns out, advancing unannounced from the bushes, towards the Nabstrians, with his chopper in his hands elicits some threatening words and menacing behaviour. Listening intently to what God seems to be telling him, the friar decides that the Good Lord is probably encouraging him to make use of the cover provided by the rain to retreat back to the town and to hide in the shrubbery between the cart and the river.

(Above) 'Clear!' The red house on the hill is empty, and Third Squadron halts, waiting for the other two squadrons to occupy the houses to their front. In the middle of the three houses to the right, the Schrote civilians are now 'Vigilant' and can conduct some eighteenth century overwatch fire, if required. In the town hall, there is a mix-up over orders; or orders over a mix-up; or mix over an orders-up: Colonel Kluck intends that half his grenadiers should make their way stealthily to the right-most of the buildings if the enemy hussars move. Or sprint move if the building-most hussars-right stealthily. Or not. As it turns out, not.

Advancing, First and Second Squadrons see that the house to their right is loop-holed. (Above) Then a volley crashes out from it! Eight shots! But the enemy misses. As it turns out, the civilians are really, really bad shots.



The two squadrons ignore the enemy fire, and advance to the hedge. Another volley crashes out from the occupied house! (Above) Eight shots! But the Schrote militia miss again. As it turns out, the civilians are really, really, really bad shots. The Nabstrians shoot! Masses of shots! It turns out, though, that buildings provide really, really good cover from fire. Only one hit! But the hit causes a casualty! The enemy morale, however, seems to remain fine. The hussars are now close enough to see that the barricade in front is unmanned, and they cannot see anyone at the windows of the other house, to the left, to which the barricade is connected.

Pfanenstiel tires of this un-hussar like exchange of musketry. Ordering his subaltern to whip out a pair of coconut shells, the sound of which creates a reasonable approximation of  a cavalry charge, he gives orders for some decisive action! 
'Left-hand squadron! Charge into left-hand house; secure it; then give fire to right-hand building. Right-hand squadron: wave forwards squadron at Red House - who should assault the enemy-occupied building from rear, clearing the way for the mounted squadron!'

Schrotal Deployment!!

The observer in the cathedral spire is well placed to see the advance of a full regiment of enemy hussars!

Looking at his options, Colonel von Kluck und Glück deploys his Lieb Grenadiere company in the town hall (Building J) manning positions at windows over both floors. The doors are barred. 

Barricades are placed between Buildings E&F and between C&D.

One of the weak companies of Schrote militia are in Building E. A length of rope is tied to a window bar of Building D, and lies on the ground, with the other end leading into Building E, the idea being that if enemy horse try to ride between the two buildings, the rope is pulled taut as a temporary obstacle. Doubtless it will be cut down quite quickly, however, the idea is to temporarily confuse or check the enemy, hopefully giving troops in Building E and J a better chance of shooting them. A few ankle breaker pits are dug between the buildings. The other unit of Schrote Citizen Militia in Building F, and these loophole the wattle and daub walls to allow shooting. Townswomen are urged to place themselves in the upper stories of buildings, ready to hurl chamber pots or other suitably heavy items, down upon the enemy horsemen.

Sadly, the defenders have been able to find nothing like a cannon or caltrops in the town.

A patch of upturned dinner plates is placed between Building F and the wall. They obviously don’t actually do anything but hopefully might look like they might be hiding something sinister. Empty barrels are placed amongst the upside down plates, with a length of something that looks like fuse running to the building.

Friar Conviction manages to hide himself in the hedgerow behind Building A.


Meanwhile, the main body of Nabstrian hussars, under Colonel Pfanensteil, prepare to deploy in front of Schrote. Through his telescope, the town seems quiet. By careful observation, the colonel determines that the enemy force holding the town seems small; perhaps one company of regulars, possibly grenadiers; but the remainder of the defenders seem to be civilians. His hussar force certainly outnumbers them. Should the colonel wait, and keep the town under observation? Should he launch a quick attack? Or should he do something else? Pfanenstiel considers his options.



But not for very long! Pfanenstiel is in command of the finest light cavalry regiment in the Nabstrian Army! He will attack! (Below) He orders three of his squadrons to dismount and clear whatever rabble he presumes are crouching down behind the barricades; these companies will then infiltrate through the town to take the other barricades from the rear, where possible. One squadron remains mounted and is held in reserve. Once the barricades have been cleared, the mounted squadron is to dash through to the town square, cutting down any who resist. Once Schrote has been secured, Pfanenstiel will allow his men to plunder the place according to the laws of war.



Being a man of reason, even though he is a hussar, Pfanenstiel additionally decides to offer quarter to Schrote. Before attacking, (below) he sends Lieutenant Hilbert Kunkel forwards under a flag of truce. In Schrote, there is an eerie silence, punctuated only by the occasional wailing of a baby (or possibly one of the defenders). Kunkel clears his throat:

"People of Schrote! Know this! You are outnumbered and confronted by the finest force in Gelderland! If you resist, you will be defeated! Know also that we are but the vanguard of a mighty force which is marching on your town. If you resist, your town will be plundered and the inhabitants put to the sword! Surrender now and we will guarantee the safety of your fine town and all its inhabitants. Resist and your end will come swiftly!

Make your choice now!"



Colonel Kluck und Gluck wastes no time in replying, shouting out:

“Foul Mouth of Nabstria! Scuttel-Bach to your masters and tell them that the people of Schrote are not to be intimidated by your idle threats and boasts! Your attempts to squeeze Schrote will come to nothing. Begone! Leave now whilst you still can!"

More quietly, he turns to Schlappkopf and says:
'I’ve buggered this up, haven’t I? I thought there were just enemy hussars!'

The major nods. 'They are indeed hussars, sir: it's just that some of them have got off their horses'.

The colonel snorts unhappily. 'Are they even allowed to do that?'

Meanwhile, In Schrote ....

In the town of Schrote, the emperor's Lieb Grenadiere company has been continuing to search for any clues as to his whereabouts. The commander, Colonel von Kluck und Gluck, and his second-in-command, Major Schlappkopf are in their makeshift headquarters in the town hall, discussing the latest developments.
'He's gone, sir' says Schlappkopf morosely. 'Gone. Disappeared'.
'Gone? What do you mean “gone”?'
'Well, sir, I mean gone as in, well, *gone*, not there, vanished'.
'I know what “gone” *means* dolt! Not there? Vanished? Vanished?'
'Like an old oak t ...'
'Shut up ! Gone HOW? How is the emperor “gone”? Aren’t we here precisely to ensure that things like the emperor being gone doesn’t happen? Being royal bodyguards it’s sort of our raison d’être!'
'Well sir, I’m not really much of one for mixed fruit…'
'Shut up Schlappkopf! Dummkopf! Scheiße kopf! Why aren’t you busy finding him and finding out what happened?'
As the balding figure of the major scurried from the room von Cluck placed his pistol on the table and started contemplating his options.

'Hmm, as my dear old mum would say “Klucky, you’ve dropped a bollock here son and no mistake!'

So, the frenzied search for the emperor continues, and is now extended to include the “intensive” questioning of every available servant and the only slightly less intensive questioning of the clergy, household pets and furniture. The emperor’s quarters are thoroughly checked for trap doors and hidden passageways knowing the clerical fondness for such architectural oddities. The men leave no nook unexamined nor cranny uninspected, even searching in the cathedral and prying behind and beneath the Great Organ of Schrote, or 'the Bishop' as he’s more formally known.

There are also other matters of concern to attend to, not least the smoke to the west that speaks of the activities of Nabstrian assailants. Having already sent a message by carrier pigeon to Baron Hunchmausen asking for support, the colonel puts into place some precautionary measures. An observer is sent to the top of the cathedral spire. He then orders barricades to be placed across approaches and the collection of 'sharp pointy things' with which to make chevaux-de-frise in an effort to prevent or restrict access. Kluck then begins to consider ways in which to funnel any enemy horse into streets or areas where their numbers will be cancelled out by space restrictions and they can be picked off even by the poorer armed citizen militia. He sends a messaeger to find out if there are any caltrops laying around in blacksmith’s smithies, and, if so, to requisition and deploy them. He also orders that the town be scoured for any artillery pieces, even if old and now more or less decorative. If any are found, those that might be reasonably functional are to be cleaned and primed with nails, nuts and bolts and musket balls to create sort of close range giant shotguns. If strategically placed and fired with a long enough fuse in case of catastrophic misfire they may assist in covering important entries into the town. Even if there are old guns that are clearly inoperable can they be cleaned up and placed prominently? They might act as a deterrent as the enemy won’t know they won’t fire.

With only a single company of regulars to defend the town, the colonel then orders all of the able-bodied folk to rally to the defence of the bishopric. Gathering the locals together, he gives a stirring speech, the impact of which is reinforced by his use of classical allusion and a pair of pistols.

“People of Schrote!

We face today a great test as the nefarious Nabstrian ne’er-do-wells and their lickspittle lackeys threaten death and ruin to this fair land. But we remain undaunted knowing that our cause is a just one and that a relief force is just a matter of hours away. We must gird our loins and resist the foul Nabstrians who seek to grab your dear Schrote, and subject every man, woman and child to an ignominious Bachscuttelling. Stand firm! Stand proud! Thrust at the foe! And thrust again!

Rally to defend your freedom!"

The colonel is able to organise two weak companies of militia, as well as some of the more formidable, or just deaf, womenfolk. Each of the companies is given a grenadier NCO to stiffen their resolve and to try to make sure that they don’t fire until the enemy get within very close range.

On the steps of the cathedral, Bishop Baldwin is in earnest conversation with his two subordinates, Friar Knowledge and Friar Conviction. Things aren't going well, and the bishop is oppressed by a dark feeling of threeboding: not quite as bad as foreboding, but bad enough to be significantly worrying.

'Friar Conviction', says the bishop, 'you must leave the town and head west'.

'For America?' asks the friar hopefully.

'No', says the bishop. 'Not America - you must instead make contact with the Nabstrians and tell them that we have as yet no further news on the whereabouts of the emperor'.

'And if they ask me why we haven't got any news of the emperor's whereabouts?'

'Then lie'.

The friar looks shocked.

'Lying is a mortal sin, your Holiness!'

Baldwin nods. 'So, probably, is beating a friar to death with this bishoply staff - but I'm willing to take the risk - so you should to'.

With a quick bow, the friar scampers off.

There is a moment of awkward silence, which Friar Knowledge then tries to fill with a hopeful 'Who knows, your Holiness: with God's help, it may all turn out well'. As soon as he says this, the sound of musket fire begins to ring out on the edge of town.

'Of course', says the bishop wearily. 'Of. Bloody. Course'.

 

Ziegler's Headquarters: Day One, 9.10am

Ziegler's force passes by Wiffel Farm. The Wiffel family stand outside, looking mildly surprised that the invaders haven't burnt it, and cursing themselves for taking out the new-fangled financial notion of 'insewerants'. Though acknowledging that he is far from an expert in military matters, Herr Wiffel still feels that the enemy raiders probably haven't quite grasped all of the important nuances of being, well, enemy raiders. Ziegler's force then crosses Wiffel Bridge

It would seem that Lord Pfanenstiel has been setting a hot pace for his troops, for in its bold rush forwards towards Schrote town, his unit has suffered some straggling, a problem evident by a few of the exhausted hussars encountered along the route. 

Suddenly, there comes the faint sound, no doubt several miles to the east, of the unmistakable sound of musketry. 'Hmm...', says Ziegler to no one in particular. 'I did not expect to meet resistance so early in our march. Well, either Pfanenstiel will cut through the enemy skirmish screen or he’ll be back here pretty quick with his tail between his legs! Onwards! Let’s us see what is ahead!'

Hunchmausen's Headquarters: Day One, 9.10am

The weather is fine.

The baron's main force is about a mile northwest from Schuttorf. Orders have been issued to place his scouts on high alert. Major Zchtiffi reports passing through Hanau-Brancau. No sign of the enemy. An order has been sent to Major Zchtiffi to organise a scouting party to push further westwards. Then ... very faintly, from the northwest and a few miles distant comes the sound of musketry. Probably.

The baron surmises that perhaps the sounds come from Schrote itself and that perhaps the enemy have reached the town. He orders his men to push on to Hanau-Brauncau with all speed, whilst Zchtiffi’s scouts are to investigate Schrote, with a relay of scouts to bring news back as swiftly as possible. A messenger is sent at top speed to inform Rimmer of the situation and to ask for a progress report.

Hunchmausen's Headquarters: Day One, 9am

Day One, 8am

The weather is fine.

The main body of Hunchmausen's force commences its march to Schuttorf, via Bad Singen. A messenger is dispatched via Ehrwig and Flumpe's Stumpe with a copy of orders for Colonel Rimmer, in case the pigeon sent earlier gets lost, shot, eaten, or made Prince of Saukopf-Bachscuttel.

Day One, 9am

The weather is fine.

The baron's force marches northwards, reaching the village of Schuttorf at about 8.50am. Taking the road towards Hanau-Brancau, by 9am it reaches a point about half a mile northwest of Schuttorf. No looting has taken place, as per orders. The locals generally have been indifferent, although some have made half-hearted attempts to sell Hunchmausen's troops food, supplies, and unwanted members of their families.

According to a verbal report at 8.55am from a hussar sent by Major Zchtiffi, the cavalry scouts are approaching the vicinity of Hanau-Brancau. No enemy has been reported, but a dozen or so locals have been encountered fleeing Schrote town. Promises of the arrival of Hunchmausen's force induce most to go back to Hanau-Brancau to defend the place. The locals report smoke to the west of the bishopric. Hunchmausen orders a scouting party to investigate circumspectly and orders the other scouts to be on high alert.

Zeigler's Headquarters: Day One, 9am

Situation at 8am, Day One

The weather is fine.

At 8am, Zeigler's column  is finally in good order (not a phrase that could be uttered in Fenwick) and sets off, crossing the border into Schrote. The Nabstrian hussars, commanded by Colonel Pfanensteil, set off first at forced march pace, followed soon after by the Bachscuttel hussars and light troops, commanded by Colonel Amadeus von Goethe-Nockenshoppes. The main column follows up. Colonel Pfanenstiel is none other than Lord Michael Hieronymus Wilhelm-Franz Igor Rudolph Edelina von Pfanenstiel, the younger son of Michael von Pfanenstiel who won imperishable glory on the field of Nottelbad (and whose remains were brought home in a snuff box)

As the advance begins, Zeigler's staff officer, Major Seewurd salutes him. 'Colonel - is it your intention that the main column of our forces should pillage the places that we move through: that is, Bautzen, Wiffel, and Humpe?'

'Damn your eyes Seewurd!' replies the colonel. 'I can’t have the troops having fun while the Bishop is unaccounted for! Get the dogs on the March - we must make best speed to Schrote - they can have their fun there!'

So, no burning or pillaging on the advance, then.

Situation at 9am, Day One

The weather is fine.

At 8.15 approximately, the main column passes through Bautzen Um Trumpelheim. The village itself is entirely awake, thanks to the earlier passage of Zeigler's preliminary forces. The villagers look on in sullen silence, but there is no attempt to resist the march of the invading troops; thanks, no doubt, to the fact that Zeigler's troops have resisted the urge to loot the place. There is, however, quite a column of smoke arising from one of the cottages - the result, it turns out, of a failed attempt to bake some pies. There are, though, some vigorous hand gestures and fruity language once Zeigler's troops have passed out of the village.

The main column continues to make steady progress, and by 9am it is just short of Wiffel's Farm. All seems well.

Rimmer's Headquarters, 7.50am!

'You asked to see me, major - dammit, I mean colonel?' says Captain Baciu, entering Brevet Colonel Rimmer's tent,

'Yes', replies Rimmer. 'It's urgent. We've received a messenger pigeon!'

'The pigeon doesn't look very well. sir'.

'That's a roast chicken, Baciu - the pigeon's to the left'.

'It looks oddly flat, sir'.

'My left - that's my hat'. 

'Oh, yes'. The captain regards the pigeon doubtfully. 'That pigeon has oddly long legs, maj ... colonel, sir.'

'It does, which actually is lucky: because the message it carried was a very long one from baron Hunchmausen informing me that the emperor is missing; enemy troops are invading Schrote; that I need to lead my force into Schrote; that I need to travel to Schrote, via The Thingie, Flumpe's Stumpe, Schmallenhardt, and Widenlau, whilst detailing a messenger for other activities. There were a number of P.S.s and also a small map'.

'Fair play to whoever wrote that message small enough to fit around a pigeon's leg', says the captain, nodding.

'Fair play to the pigeon as well, Baciu - for managing to fly here with a message so long it looked like he was wearing a plaster-cast. Anyway - here are your orders! I want the troops ready to leave by 8.30am! And get me Ensign Dragosani  - I need to see him outside'.

'Watch those pistols, lieutenant!' says Rimmer a little later, standing back as Dragosani uses them to gesticulate.

'Sorry, sir! It's just so exciting to be given a secret mission!'

'Yes, Dragosani - although I think that one requirement for any self-respecting secret mission is that the person on it doesn't say out loud that they're on it'.

'Sorry, sir - of course'. 

'So - you're clear: you are to do all in your power to sway the Lady Ingretta to the Vulgarian/Gelderland cause. If it comes to it “Lie back and think of Schloß Feratu”. You've got the letter safe?' Dragosani, a bright, athletic officer, taps his pocket and nods.

The letter, written by Rimmer, actually reads:

“On behalf of the Voivodate of Vulgaria, Greetings to the Esteemed Lady Ingretta. As Your Ladyship will be aware the forces of Bachscuttle and Nabstria have launched an unprovoked and cowardly attack upon the Bishopric of Schrote, furthermore they are almost certainly behind a despicable outrage upon the person of The Emperor, a guest in your capital. It remains to be seen what further bestial affronts may be planned and thus we, alongside our Gelderlandish allies, proffer our assistance in driving out the invaders. Your Ladyship is famed for perspicacity in matters of state and it would be a signal honour should Your Ladyship see fit to advise us regarding the situation in the Bishopric, particularly regarding the fate of The Emperor. Vulgaria will be greatly in Your Ladyship’s debt for any assistance offered,

Yours,

Colonel Rimmer”

'Excellent - now, off you go. Head northwards via The Thingie and Piggel's Farm, then cut across country to Schmallenhardt. and thence to the Lady's dwelling at Hindergran Manor!'

As the two officers finish their discussion, the rest of the column is moving off, according to Rimmer's orders:

March Orders

Vanguard

Bremse Hussar Regiment (Major Strigoi), 
Strigoi’s hussars act as scouts in front of and flanking the column, three squadrons active one in reserve at the head of the column. Standing orders are to report and shadow any enemy forces encountered rather than engage.

Main Column

Three Companies Strzyga Jäger Regiment (Major Ferenczy)
Detachments of the 1st Company scout and liaise with patrolling hussar squadrons. Remaining companies in march column. Ferenczy also has responsibility for ensuring the protection of the supply wagons and carriage containing The Traitor Agorn and his escort.

Supply Wagons

The Traitor’s Carriage

Two Squadrons von Karnstein’s Dragoons (Major de la Gardie) 

The force will proceed via The Thingie, North then West to Flumpe’s Stump then North to Schmallenhardt; a brief pause, then on to Widenlau. Patrols to scout the pass in the Mittelmassige Hugel and secure it if possible. Patrols Northward to Oxfurt and Kambritz and West to contact Gelderlanders in Schrote. 

In all of this, Rimmer must also consider his precious charge: The Traitor Agorn. Herr Agorn, pretender to the Vulgarian throne, is being transferred by Rimmer's force from the dungeons of Rotenburg. As part of the security for this, Rimmer sends another officer, a Lieutenant Balan, on a journey to Schmallenhardt to find a blacksmith. At the blacksmith’s (assuming there is one, if not he enquires where one can be found) the messenger seeks some brackets and bolts and a small wrought iron cage big enough to hold a small powder barrel.

The reasons for this relate to suggestions made by two of Herr Agorn's guard detail. Other than mud and Pish, Vulgaria’s other main export lies in it’s horribly well qualified experts in the field of “enhanced coercive interrogation techniques”, all certified members of the Vulgarian Artisan Guild of Gaolers, Torturers and Ancillary Tradespersons, usually known by the acronym "VAGG" for short. The Guild typically takes on an apprentice at age 10 to begin training as a Slopper, or “Spilt Fluids Removals Operative” the starting point in a rigorous seven year apprenticeship. After two years an able pupil might progress far enough to be trusted with Taunting before a further two years study leads to specialisation in various disciplines such as Insertions, Extractions, Removals and Mechanicals. No other nation in Mittelheim can boast such extraordinarily well trained prison staff and thus after producing their masterwork the Guild’s alumni are in high demand. As it happens two of the Guild’s finest, Kraftstein and Gautet, have been entrusted with escorting the pretender Agorn to face justice somewhere deep below Schloß Feratu. “ThePackage” as they refer to him is manacled by right wrist and left ankle to brackets inside the specially adapted carriage used by the Vulgarian authorities for extraordinary rendition of malcontents and mischief makers. Agorn sits on what is essentially a small commode seat thus obviating the need for his leaving the carriage, made more difficult in any case by there being no keys for his manacles. The short chains allow him to eat but little else. Knowing that their own wellbeing might be thrown into question should “The Package” fall into the wrong hands the pair have explained to Rimmer how they plan to ensure this will not happen even in the confusion of this unexpected military diversion. Their scheme centres on a small barrel of gunpowder and musket balls, a wrought iron cage and a spare musket barrel all of which will be fitted as a failsafe to Agorn’s capture by the enemy. That or shooting him.

Hunchmausen's Plan!

Czernázmije salutes. 'It's all done, sir', he says, laying out sheaves of paper on the table.
'Excellent', says the baron. 'Let's have it then. Gurglemeep'.

'It's Czernázmije', says Czernázmije. 'But I'm happy just to go with "colonel", sir'.

'"Colonel Sir"? No, that won't do at all', replies the baron. 'I'm in charge here. Now, crack on!'

Czernázmije clears his throat and begins instructing the assembled staff.

"The Mission

We must take our force into Schrote. We must, as a matter of priority, find the Emperor before the invading forces do, and get him to safety. We must also, as far as possible, repel the enemy invasion of Schrote, and protect the locals and their property. Repellent though they might be, the Schrote folk are still allies of Gelderland.

General Orders

1. To all troops - It is suspected that the beloved Emperor has been subject to a
heinous and underhand attack from agents acting for the disgusting Axis of Weasel
that is Bachscuttel and Nabstria. It is our sacred duty to ensure the safety of The
Emperor and the punishment of the malefactors. Promotions and reward await the
units that secure the Royal personage.

2. There is to be no looting of our Schrotal allies on pain of death. All extra
supplies are to be paid for and women unmolested (unless paid for). Looting is to be restricted to dead or captured enemy troops or baggage trains.

Orders - Gelderland Main Column

Immediate dispatch of message to Rimmer’s force via fresh carrier pigeon
as well as a messenger with more detailed orders. The older, tired carrier pigeon is to be rested, fed and prepared for its future mission of returning to Schrote to confirm receipt of message and ask for further news.

Message to Major (Bvt Col) Rimmer:
Sir,
The Emperor and Realm of Gelderland are indebted to our Vulgarian allies for
assistance in repelling the repellent Bachscuttlers and Nabstrian ne’er-do-wells and
sending these blackguardly brigands scuttling back to their respective dunghills. I
would be grateful if you could take your forces with all due alacrity through North
East Schrote securing Schmallenhardt and Widenlau with an intention to rendezvous with my own forces at the city of Scrote itself.
I would recommend sending a suitably charming staff officer to make contact with the Lady Ingretta von Feltch at Hindergrun and beg her assistance in securing
intelligence regarding the military and political situation in Schrote.
My intention is to proceed North to Schrote via Hanau-Brancau, please keep me informed of your progress, I shall do likewise.
I remain, sir, at your service,
Freiherr von Hünchmausen

Order of March

Vanguard - Hussar Regt. Schmetterling (Major Zchtiffi)

Three squadrons to be patrolling line of march and flanks whilst remaining squadron rests/acts as reserve at head of main march column before rotating into patrolling left flank, the replaced squadron moves to take over scouting patrol at the head of the force and so on. Lead squadron patrols between a mile and two miles ahead. Flank patrols up to a mile along line of march. Whilst aggressive patrolling is generally applauded, patrolling squadrons should remember their main duty is to warn the main column of the presence of enemy forces and not to become drawn into protracted fights. Isolated enemy scouts and messengers would make welcome prisoners but not at the cost of losing the eyes and ears of the army.

Main Column - (Baron von Hünchmausen)

Head of Column - Jäger Regt. Frettchen (Major Enzerdinsz)
Detachments of 1st Company patrol up to half a mile ahead of the column and liaise with Hussar patrols. Rotate with remaining platoons of 1st Company. Swap rôle with 2nd Company on a daily basis. Remaining company in march column.

Artillery

Colonel Senf, 1st Battalion Regiment Ostmarck
Also tasked with protecting the supply wagons on the march

Supply Wagons

Mobile reserve.

2 squadrons Giftschlange Dragoon Regt (Major Mayer)

The column to form up (as above) whilst the baron writes messages to Rimmer and Lady Ingretta and sends the messenger on his way on the road to Schuttorf, Ehrwig, Flumpe’s Stump and Schmallenhardt with the instruction to find Rimmer there or at Widenlau before heading to Hindergran Manor.

8am. Main column to head for Schuttorf then to proceed to Hanau-Brancau then,depending on information regarding enemy dispositions, to Schrote. Patrols are to encourage Schrote’s citizens to look out for Bachscuttle or Nabstrian patrols with rewards offered for information and for prisoners. Locals along route of march urged to head for Hanau-Brancau to form a local militia to protect the area from Bachscuttle/Nabstrian depredations. The note to Rimmer essentially repeats the
orders sent by carrier pigeon, just in case Speckled Jim gets eaten".

Hunchmausen's Headquarters: Day One, 7.30am

In Baron Hunchmausen's tent, Colonel Czernázmije, his Vulgarian liaison officer, reads out the message delivered via the pigeon.

'Emperor gone! Enemy invading! Reinforce at once! Absolutely imperative that you', says the colonel.

'That we what?' asks the baron.

'The message stops there, sir', replies Czernázmije. 'These messages can't be very long if they are to fit on a pigeon's ankle'.

'Dammit - couldn't they find a pigeon with longer legs?' asks Hunchmausen. 'Well, the message is from Schrote town itself that's clear. Gads! They've lost the emperor and there's an enemy invasion force. Well, that's terrible luck. Imagine, Chunkymonkey, the chances of both of those things happening at the same time?'

'It's Czernázmije', says Czernázmije, 'and might it be possible that the two events are linked?'

'Jumping jellies! What can we do?'

Czernázmije points at a map. 'We are here, sir, and we have with us the following: the Hussar Regt. Schmetterling; two companies of the Jäger Regt. Frettchen; two 3 pounder cannons; the 1st Btn. Regiment Ostmarck; four supply wagons; and two Sqns of the Giftschlange Dragoon Regiment'.

The major then points on the map to Schrote town itself. 'Here, we have the Lieb Grenadiere Company under Colonel Kluck und Gluck'.

The baron nods. 'Aren't there some dirty Vulgarian weasels on the way, that we could call upon for help?'

Czernázmije nods. 'My Vulgarian compatriots are here, sir. They include the Bremse Hussar Regiment: two squadrons of von Karnstein’s Dragoons; three companies of the Strzyga Jäger Regiment; four supply wagons; and the carriage containing The Traitor Agorn. The force is commanded by an excellent officer by the name of  Brevet Colonel Rimmer'.

'Well', says the baron decisively. 'We need a plan, and some orders'.

'I shall get a quill and paper, my lord' says Czernázmije.

'Excellent. And, since delegation is nine-tenths of effective command, I delegate you, Chigglebits, to produce those plans and orders'.

Czernázmije sighs. 'I shall return presently, sir'.

'No need for presents, colonel - just get me those plans and orders'.

Zeigler's Plan, the Second!

Zeigler scribbles furiously, whilst sometimes pausing and pointing out to Seewurd places on the map.

"Main Body: 

Order of march: Dragoons, jager, infantry, six pdr, wagons, Backscuttel infantry, 3 pdr. March on Schrote on specified route. Once Schrote is reached, search town for Bishop. Then pillage town. Then take up positions to the east of town and await further orders.

2 Coys of Jagers to detach at Humpe and march Tinkel Mill – pillage and burn mill, then pillage and burn Oxfurt and Kambritz. Then return to main body at Schrote.

If at any point Col Ziegler becomes a casualty and is no longer of sound mind and body, the main body is to march for the intended exit point, along the specified route. Messages must be send to detached forces to inform them on the march. The detached forces will then make for the intended exit point on any viable route and at best speed.

Detached Forces: 

Nabstrian Hussars at head of column follow same route as main body but do not wait for main body; act as advance guard and proceed at best speed. Once Schrote is reached, search for Bishop for 1 hour, then continue on specified route. If contact with enemy is made at any point attempt to overcome resistance if it is light; otherwise halt and send word to main body. If outmatched, retire back onto main body. At no point become seriously engaged. If able to reach Piggel’s farm unmolested, remain there and send word back to main body at Schrote.

Bachscuttel Hussars and Light Infantry. Order of march: hussars, then infantry. Follow specified route at best speed; do not wait for main body. Search the castellation on Redderblau Hill for the Bishop. Once Schrote is reached, do not stop but continue on march - do leave messenger behind to report to Col Ziegler on progress. Once Hanau-Brancau is reached, detach Light Infantry Bn and 2 sqns of Hussars. They are to wait in H-B and act as reserve. Detach 1 Sqn to Bogoff and 1 Sqn to Shotoff. These 2 sqns are to act as picquets and to give advance warning of enemy movements. If contact with enemy is made at any point attempt to overcome resistance if it is light; otherwise halt and send word to main body. If outmatched, retire back onto main body. At no point become seriously engaged. If able to reach Piggel’s farm unmolested, remain there and send word back to main body at Schrote."

'Excellent!' says Zeigler, signing the orders. 'Quickly, Seewurd, and see these orders distributed immediately. We march!'

Meanwhile, south of Bad Singen, Baron Hunchmausen's headquarters are also considering how it is that they should proceed ...

Zeigler's Plan, the First!

After some time spent searching, it turns out, ironically, that a dog has eaten Zeigler's orders. Unenthused by the thought of waiting for their reappearance, he is forced to set about producing another copy. The requirements to re-draft the orders necessitate, first, the ability to find a quill; and then some paper; and then some ink. And then a table. And then, of course, a sense of what he's doing.

Zeigler's Mission

Zeigler is in command of a force of Nabstrian and Bachscuttel troops, positioned directly on the border of Schrote, deployed at the point where the road crosses the border towards the village of Bautzen. The Emperor, who was in the town of Schrote for his coronation as king of Gelderland, has been drugged and moved. His location, which was supposed to have been communicated to the colonel, has been lost. The emperor was last seen at midnight this morning in the cathedral. It is known that a force of Gelderland troops is near the border to the east of Schrote and it will no doubt intervene. This force is of unknown size, but Zeigler should have a head start on them. Of course, he might have lost that advantage, thanks to the late production of his orders.



Zeigler must lead his force into Schrote. He must, as a matter of priority, find the Emperor before any Gelderland rescue force does. He must also generate as much plunder as possible by looting as many villages and farms as possible. At a personal level, this will be hugely profitable and quite therapeutic. In addition, the more damage that he inflicts upon Schrote, the more plausible the ‘Punish the Bishop’ cover story will be. This operation must be completed as quickly as possible, since additional Gelderland reinforcements may well arrive. He is to exit Schrote at the Schrote-Rotenburg border, using the road that passes through Langenzofft. A Rotenburg covering force will be waiting on their side of the border. Probably.

Zeigler's Forces

One battalion of regular Nabstrian infantry (four musketeer companies and one grenadier company, each of 100 men).

One regiment of Nabstrian hussars (four squadrons, each of 100 men).

One regiment of Nabstrian dragoons (four squadrons, each of 100 men)

Two companies of Nabstrian Jager (200 men)

One six-pounder artillery piece.

One battalion of regular Bachscuttel infantry (four musketeer companies and one grenadier company)

One regiment of Bachscuttel hussars (four squadrons, each of 100 men).

One regiment of Bachscuttel light infantry (five companies, each of 100 men)

One three-pounder artillery piece.

In addition, he has two pairs of wagons for booty (allowing two detachments to each have two wagons), and four wagons containing ammunition, supplies and tents.

'Right', says the colonel to Seewurd. 'This is what we'll do ...'

Zeigler's Headquarters: Day One, 7am!

Zeigler's staff officer, Major Seewurd, waits nervously in front of the colonel's headquarters. The invading force should be setting off into the bishopric right about now. Troops have been marshalling, wagons assembling, light troops thieving, and hussars playing with one another's tassels. But what has been missing has been a set of orders to guide this Nabstro-Bachscuttel force in its attempt to find the emperor and loot Schrote! Even for jagers, a plan and some orders are usually recognised as being useful in the conduct of a military campaign. That, and a supply of ladies' underclothes. Time, surely, is of the essence, and it must be a suspicion that every minute lost now is one minute more for whatever enemy there are to organise themselves and to call on reinforcements!

Urgent News!

Prince Rupprecht of Saukopf-Bachscuttel is "attending to affairs of state". Most of the time, this involves activities that normal people would brigade under such headings as "eating", "sleeping", or "committing crime". On this morning, however, it actually comprises pursuits that even the French nobility would recognise as the business of governance. This would explain the look of furrowed unhappiness that sits upon the prince's brow.

 He is in audience with his chief medical officer, Herr Hans Klenser. Klenser is reporting upon the latest developments in the plague that has ravaged Mittelheim, but that now seems to be ebbing away.

'Thank you, my lord', says the doctor. 'And may I say how important your contribution has been to reducing the numbers of those dying'.

'Yes, you may!' says Rupprecht enthusiastically.

'Your contribution, sir, has been very important in reducing the numbers of those dying!'

'Thank you, doctor'.

'Yes - only you, oh wise prince, would have thought to order me, on pain of death, to knock two noughts off of the end of the reported fatalities; and thus, in an instant, virtually end the plague as we know it!'

'Well, I am a prince and you're not; and you can't be expected to think of everything'.

'Thank you, sir'.

'Although it would certainly be nice if you could. Now, toddle off!'

With Klenser dismissed, the prince is looking forward to an afternoon of some really hard snoring. His chamberlain, Leopold von Fecklenburg, however, has other ideas.

'Sadly, sire, there are important issues that we must discuss!'

'No, no, no, no, no ... what?' gasps the prince suddenly. 'You've got the hat?'

'Indeed, sir', says the Chamberlain, twirling the Bishop of Schrote's mitre upon his hand.

'You've got the bishop's hat?' repeats Rupprecht in awe. 'But how?'

'Well. sir, important events have unfolded; important events vital to the ..'

'It's such a lovely hat!'

'Sir, yes, indeed it is: but circumstances demand that we consider urgent matters of great importance!'

'Yes, yes, Fecklenburg - I'm not such a fool that I can't ignore a hat in order to discuss matters of vital national interest!'

'Indeed sir, now, see here, if we look at this map ...'

'Look how red this hat is - and see all of the gold and jewel detailing!'

'Sir!'

'Of course, of course, urgent events ... of great import ... that sort of thing. Continue!'

'So, looking at this map ...'

'But I'm just saying, Fecklenburg, that everything seems better when I'm wearing this hat!'

'Sir!'

'Right, yes - sorry'.

'So, the map, and Zeigler's raid on ...'

'Can I wear the hat while you talk?'

'Sir, I ... well', Fecklenburg gives in. 'Yes sir - if you promise to pay attention to my account of these momentous events'.

'Tell me - I'm all ears!'

'Excellent, sir'.

'Yes, ears that are tucked under this quite splendid hat!'