Careless Pork Costs Lives!

'You're pigs are lit!' shouts Rheinfunkt. In any other place in the world, this might sound out of the ordinary. But in Mittelheim, of course, such a phrase is probably uttered scores of times each day.

'Put out your pigs, Herr Plugg!' adds Horace.

The "engineer" stares at the fuses. 'It be fine, sir', he says slowly, adjusting his "back pocket". 'Ain't no reason to panic'.

'Of course there is!' the general retorts. 'This is exactly the sort of situation in which panic is not just well merited, but more or less a requirement! This is a situation in which we have pigs, an ill-educated bumpkin, two lit fuses, and a pair of worryingly large powder kegs. That says "panic" to me in just the same way as if both of those pigs were able  to sing the Spanish national anthem, but replaced the actual words with "'Tis the time to greatly panic!"'

Rheinfunkt points at the pigs. 'Staff officers - extinguish those pigs!'* Sadly, however, the general's staff seem to have absented themselves (below). Though in general the future is difficult to predict, its short-term ramifications become much easier to guess when the situation comprises of the close proximity of two burning powder kegs. On the basis of judgements informed by this evidence, Rheinfunkt's headquarters appears to have repositioned itself some distance to the east.

'For God's sake, man!' Rheinfunkt roars to Herr Plugg. 'Do something sensible and save us all!'
Herr Plugg nods placidly and says 'It be fine, sir. I bin and have me pigs well trained. See, the fuses be all lit ...'
'Yes, yes!' says the general. 'This is a condition well understood and which not coincidentally lies at the foundation of my current anxiety'.
'.. and I says to them "go"!' says Plugg, pointing generally. With some happy oinks, the two pink and porky pals patter happily off (below).

'Gah!' cries the general. 'But that's the direction of our camp! You're sending them towards our camp!'
Plugg nods slowly. 'You be needing a demonstration, sir'.
The general hops up and down in his saddle. 'A demonstration of what? If I needed a demonstration, I could just have one of exquisite military moronism by giving Saxe here a log of wood and asking him to find the middle page! Call your pigs back!'
'I haven't trained 'em to return, sir. They have exploding casks on them. Calling 'em back be a bit dangerous'.

The oinks disappear towards the camp. There is then a sudden explosion, and a wave of warm and deliciously savoury air wafts over everyone.
'Fools!' shouts the general, his features contorted into an even more incomprehensible configuration than normal. 'Incompetents! Lackwits! Dunderheads! Buffoons! Clowns! Stupid ...' he wracks his brain '... thingies!'
'Fear not, general' says Horace de Saxe, looking through his telescope towards the camp. 'For our porcine powder kegs haven't hurt any of our troops, but have instead exploded the hospital tent filled with abandoned Nabstrian wounded and plague victims!'
'Well, well, well', says the general immediately recovering his good humour. There is nothing that makes him happer than seeing dead allies; except perhaps, seeing dead allies whilst he is on holiday. 'How big is the hole?'
'It's really quite impressive'.
'Larger than King Wilhelm's belly button?'
'Indeed, larger even - although it might not contain quite as much mud'.
'Let me look'. Rheinfunkt peers through the telescope. 'You know Plugg, my newly appointed Chief Pork Engineer. I think that you might indeed have hit on a workable solution to our problems. Prepare more pigs! Ready the troops! We attack at dawn!'




* Another one of the many phrases that is heard rather more commonly in Mittelheim than it is anywhere else in the world. Except Norfolk.