One of the pioneers, a subaltern, nods. 'Indeed, sir. But the lord Horace de Saxe was most insistent that the foundation of success in such enterprises was preparation - in this case, weeding and mulching'.
The colonel sighs and shakes his head. 'So, how then is the tunnel progressing?' The soldiers in front of him pause. The pause gives Pointe additional intimations of concern. Reassuring answers to his question might include such responses as 'Very well, sir'; or 'Generally, excellent'; or 'Solid progress sir, but we've had a few problems with some troublesome moles'. The subaltern's actual answer to his question, if it doesn't actually set the alarm ringing in Pointe's mind, certainly conjures, metaphorically, the strong smell of smoke and a desire to determine the whereabouts of a really loud bell.
'What tunnelling?' the subaltern replies.
'So', says Colonel Pointe, 'Ye haven't been digging a tunnel at all?'
The pioneers look uncomfortable. 'There was all the mulching to do' says one. 'And the broad beans'.
'And also', says the subaltern, 'we were all a bit run down'.
'You were ill?' asks Pointe.
'No, sir: I mean that we got run down. By Lord Saxe's carriage. He sits in it, but there's actually no one driving the horses in front'.
(Below) One of the miners points at the head of the mine itself.
'And even the digging has been difficult, sir. There is this large structure in the way'.
Pointe crosses his arms truculently. 'That', says Pointe slowly, 'is a mine'.
The soldier looks impressed. 'It's yours?'
'No, it's a mine', replies Pointe slowly.
The soldier looks confused. 'But you own it?'
'No one owns it', says the colonel scowling.
The soldier furrows his brows. 'So we stole it, then?'
'No', says Pointe firmly. 'Look, laddie. Previous miners dug this mine; but they dug it in the wrong direction. They went', he turns, pointing back through the siege lines, 'that way, instead of', he turns and points to the fortress, 'that way'.
The soldier looks philosophical. 'Well, sir, it's an easy mistake to make'.
'No. No.' says the colonel, 'It really isnae, laddie. Of all the problems that might occur in siege mining, digging it under one's own siege lines and blowing up a local tavern isnae high on the list. A shortage of timber to shore up the roof - that would be a reasonable problem; or excessive rain; or, running into an enemy counter mine. But digging in the entirely opposite direction to that required - that is not a reasonable problem. Ye just take a compass and dig in the direction that heads towards the enemy walls. Then, once ye reach the walls, ye put barrels of gunpowder in it'.
'Whoa, whoa!' says the subaltern. 'Gunpowder? That sounds really dangerous! I mean, one spark and the whole lot could go off, sir!'
The colonel gestures incredulously. 'That's the point! The whole point is that the gunpowder goes off! Then the wall comes down; and we go through the gap! So, laddie, ye need to go into the mine-head and down the ladder. Then ye dig that way!'
'But what about the hole we've already been digging?' pipes up one of the pioneers.
The colonel looks less horrified. 'A hole? Where? Is it under the enemy wall?'
The subaltern points towards the fortress. 'Not exactly'.
The pioneer's use of the term 'not exactly' is, ironically, itself inexact. The actual geographical relationship between the Gelderland hole and the Fenwickian fortress wall is one that would place the phrase 'not exactly' more accurately in the category of 'not at all'. Pointe stares out into the no-man's land between the two armies. He can just see a green-coated Gelderland pioneer standing amidst a pile of earth. Though he can't be certain, it appears that the soldier might be unpotting a shrub.
'How', says Pointe, trying to control his temper, 'is that hole going to help bring down the enemy wall?'
'Well, sir, I suppose that it won't. But, return here in spring and I think that you might be delighted by the marvellous blend of colours and textures that we will have created'.
'Tell that man to get out of the hole and then fill it in', orders Pointe.
'Yes sir!' comes the sad reply from the pioneers.
The colonel pauses. 'Actually', he continues, 'cancel that.'
'Yes sir!' comes the enthusiastic reply.
'Instead', says the colonel, 'tell that man to stay in the hole, and then fill it in'.
It is always a joy to read this blog, Thank You !
ReplyDeleteThanks for the kind words, Cepensarum!
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