Tuesday 30 July 2019

Northwest Crappage!

'Where is my damned hat?' cries Colonel Richter Fuhrporer to his subaltern. 'Go and find it!'
'Righto, sir', says the fellow.
'And also', adds the colonel, 'make sure that the civilians are safely locked in their rooms!'
'At once, sir' replies the subaltern, trotting off.

Civilians? What sorts of fellows volunteer to move to a new life in New Mittelheim? Those moving to America necessarily are probably those with adventure in their blood; or at least quite a lot of schnapps. There are three groups of civilian workers at this Gelderland trading post, each of which is currently hiding in one of the buildings. They are led by one Herr Rudolph Plugholl. These civilians are mainly indentured workers: workers whose costs of travelling to New Mittelheim are paid by their employers but who must then work for seven years for them in order to pay off their debt. The more suspicious might, of course, argue that this is simply a form of slavery; but this isn't true - slaves are beaten slightly less often. Nevertheless, such are the opportunities provided by the New World that peasants constantly are willing to take the risks and travel here. These opportunities include the opportunity to run off when no one is looking. 

(Below) In the meantime, the raiding force begins to advance. (Below, top left) Blofeldt's Indian allies begin to move across the hill to their front. Native Americans often form a significant contingent in the forces of New Mittelheim. Most Mittelheimers view their relationshsip with the local tribes as paternalistic in nature: they are the fathers to the innocent native children - violent, alcholic ones, to be accurate. For the Europeans, there is a strong sense that they have a duty to civilise the locals and to bring them into the presence of God. The latter seems to the local tribes to have quite a steep entrance fee, not least because the former seems to comprise of being forced to wear wigs and then dying of disease at some later date. To the right of the natives, the blue coated Vulagarian marines stalk menacingly towards the cover of a wood.


(Above, middle) Freud und Slepp's small party of Fenwickian hunters line one copse. To their right, the Indian war party hangs around uncomfortably behind a wood. Out of the woodcut, the provincial troops hang back, with Freud und Slepp safely ensconced behind them. This reticence soon develops form a temporary feature into a condition; then a theme; before becoming a full blown set of subtitles for the battle.


Suddenly, and randomly, a strange development occurs. The group of civilians occupying the first floor of the warehouse panics. In their terror, they start to leave the safety of the building and head for somewhere safer - Canada, possibly. Luckily for Gelderland, the general slowness of their running and the challenge of operating the door handle mean that the fleeing civilians don't get far. (Above) Herr Plugholl makes it to the top of the stairs before the civilians begin to rally and then head back inside.


It doesn't take a hot air balloon scientist to work out why Freud und Slepp's Indian troops are playing things safe. (Above) The Nabstrian troops, that is, the war party of Indians and two platoons of rangers, have deployed into the nearest wood to the trading post. It's all  a rather tight fit, but the troops gain adiditional benefit from the cover. They hunker down, waiting for their Fenwickian enemy to expose themselves: in normal circumstances, this would happen after a few pints of ale.  (Above, top left), Freud und Slepp's provincials, with the colonel himself, can just be seen, having taken up a position so far from any actual likely fighting that it would not be possible to be further from the battle, short of taking a long sea voyage to another continent.

(Below) Freud und Slepp tentatively orders his Indian allies forwards into the copse, placing them opposite the rangers. This is a bold move. A move is "bold", of course, if it turns out to work. If it leads to disaster, then it becomes transformed instantly into an insane act of "military nincompoopery".


(Below) As this woodcut indicates, the early stages of this encounter are marked by an unusual sophistication in approach by both sides. Circumspection, concern for exploiting the advantages of the terrain, and a careful consideration of possible second and third-order effects mark the manoeuvres of all the protagonists. This could be down to an outbreak of tactical subtlety. Or it could just be an unmanly reluctance to get to grips with one another. Given that the word "Tactical" doesn't appear in the Mittelheim military lexicon (which generally skips straight from "Tacky" to "Tactless"), and that the word "Subtle" doesn't appear at all (the nearest applicable word is "Cheat"), unmanliness seems to be the most likely expanation.


'Thank goodness!' says Colonel Fuhrporer, taking his hat from the subaltern, who has just returned.
'But sir, the Nabstrian rangers stole it ...'
'An officer isn't properly dressed for battle without his hat!' says the colonel, plopping it onto his head.
'But sir ...'
'Hats maketh the man ...' continues Fuhrporer, turning to inspect the light platoon in front of him.
'But sir ...'
The colonel stops suddenly. He then wrinkles his nose, and, finally, sighs sadly.
'They crapped in my tricorne, didn't they', he says wearily.
The subaltern nods apologetically. 'It's in their nature'.

2 comments:

  1. Excellent recounting Sir.
    A query if I may? Maurice runs on base widths but your pics show individually based figures. How do you work it, or are you using different rules in the colonies?

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  2. Bob, we use Maurice for the large battles only, and other sets of rules for the skirmish and naval encounters. For the fighting in New Mittelheim, we use Muskets and Tomahawks; for skirmishes in Mittelheim we use Sharp Practice; and it's Blood and Plunder for anything maritime!

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