The Cat Sat on the Bastion!

At the Fenwickian stronghold of Pippin Fort, the mercenary engineer major Dougal Entendre has taken his own route to working off the Christmas excess - by building a stone bastion to defend the approaches to the fortifications. Though the Imperial fortress is now well-supplied thanks to the arrival of a much needed supply column, the approach of the forces of the Spasmodic Sanction is surely imminent. Colonel Victor von Shroedinger-Skatt, Captain-Governor of the defences, was disappointed with the ease with which the artillery forts along the river Strudel were lost. He has therefore ordered a substantial strengthening of the outworks here. Whatever happens, Pippin Fort must hold out until the Imperial army can disentangle itself from the current campaign and march to the rescue!

Entendre surveys the progress made thus far on the new bastion. He is accompanied by his compatriot, major Gordon Sanitaire. Also present is the lieutenant of engineers directly responsible for constructing this new defensive edifice. The lieutenant, like the two majors, is also a Scot of Huguenot extraction. His name is Peter Pois and he also happens to be Entendre's nephew. Pois' presence is not an accident, since it was Entendre's influence that secured for the young man his position in the Fenwickian army. Entendre originally intended that his nephew join the British army. Pois' poor education, love of port, lack of common sense, and ability to find humour in the suffering of the poor seemed to make him a perfect candidate for a commission in one of the guards regiments, or perhaps the cavalry. Alas, however, Pois' bourgoise background and his inability to pass the port in the right direction soon stymied this option. In consequence, Pois travelled with Entendre to Mittelheim, where the major has secured for his nephew a commission in the Imperial army. Thus far, Pois has performed perfectly adequately, although, without any actual engineering to do, his chief tasks have been to dress himself, operate a ruler without injuring anyone, and to avoid any salacious references to fruit or vegetables. These tasks he has generally performed well, although there was tricky incident in which Pois, inordinately proud of his skill with a ruler, offered to show the Captain-Governor's wife his 'twelve-incher.' However, Pois now seems to be in a bit of trouble. Surveying the plans for the new bastion, Entendre addresses his nephew with a raised voice. Let us move closer, dear reader, and listen in on their conversation.

'I just don't see what the problem is, uncle,' says Pois. 'I have carried out your instructions.'
'I dinnae think yer have, Peter my laddie,' replies Entendre. 'I asked you to build an impressive stonework artillery fort according to these plans.'
Pois glances at the papers in Entendre's hands. 'But uncle - it is impossible for me to build such an edifice,' says Pois. 'Look at the size of it. See,' he says, waving a short stick of wood. 'My ruler simply isn't big enough. It goes up to twelve inches, and this artillery bastion must be at least ... at least ...sixteen or seventeen inches or something like that.'
Entendre frowns. 'Well, I think that my plans actually call fer something with twenty foot ramparts of stone, in a triangular lay out.'
Pois shrugs his shoulders incredulously, 'But where am I going to get a ruler that long? In any case, I submitted my own plans to you for your comment. And I have constructed the bastion according to your suggestions.'
'Alternative plans?' interjects major Sanitaire. 'I wasnae aware of those.'
'No you wernae,' replies Entendre. 'Because the Lieutenant's "alternative plans" comprised of a sheet of paper with a badly drawn picture of a cat.'
'Uncle, you have often enjoined that I should think outside of the box,' replies Pois.

'Aye, laddie,' says Entendre. 'But that, I dinnae think, was what I meant. Yer "plan" was the result of what might happen if you were thinking outside of the box, and the box itself, which turned out to be quite heavy, fell and then hit you on the head. I told you then, laddie, that what you had drawn was a big pile of manure: and to reinforce that point I wrote on yer "plan" the words "a big pile of manure".'

'Quite so, uncle,' replies Pois smugly. 'And behold!' he says, pointing.

The two majors turn to look.

'John the Baptist's oddly shaped testicles,' blasphemes Sanitaire.

Entendre's mouth works silently up and down, like a mime artist on a trampoline. He then closes his eyes. Always a believer, in the face of bad news, of counting to ten slowly before saying anything, the major just to be safe now starts at a thousand ...