Faltaire’s Experiment!

‘See, sire!' says Faltaire, gesticulating at a nearby cannon. 'I have been cogitating on the best medium to dissolve gunpowder into and have settled upon this very white, very fine sand, sourced from the finest of Nabstria’s beaches.  I have mixed an entire bag of sand with just one grain of gunpowder – if my calculations are correct, then we may have invented the most powerful explosive in the world!’

'Interesting,' muses Falco. 'And also rather counter-intuitive, if I may add.'

The gun team go through their evolutions again but this time with Monsieur Faltaire’s ‘homeopathic’ gunpowder.  He does, however, allow them to use the standard Nabstrian gunpowder in the touch hole…

‘Fire!’ There is a slight flash as the gunpowder in the touch-hole goes off and then…..nothing happens…

‘Ahem, excuse me, sir, but, with respect, sir, it doesn’t seem to have bloody worked, sir’. The gunnery sergeant says rather rudely to Faltaire.  ‘It’ll take ages to clear the barrel of that bloody sand’, the sergeant mutters under his breath to no one in particular…

After a rather long and rather awkward silence, Faltaire begins to muse once again..
‘Hmmm…perhaps sand is not the right diluting medium for homeopathic gunpowder… or perhaps the ‘dilution’ is insufficient … perhaps a dilution of one part in a million might prove more efficacious’…. Faltaire's voice once again tails off into a reverie of natural philosophy.
‘Well?  Faltaire?  Is that the end of your experiment?’  enquires Von Rumpfler rather roughly.
‘Ah!  Oh!  Well, my dear general, no, not exactly.  With the Burggrave’s permission, I should rather like to test a new siege mortar of my own design.  Not being entirely sure that I could explore the new science of homeopathy successfully this morning, I decided to design a mortar which would rely on proven concepts.  With your permission, sire?’
‘Yes, yes, of course, Faltaire’, says the Burggrave with a note of irritation in his voice …

Faltaire and Homeopathic Gunpowder!

The test firing has attracted some interested parties to the event, not least of them Monsieur Faltaire, the Burggrave’s natural philosopher.

‘Ah my Dear Faltaire, I am so glad that you could make it this morning.  Von Rumpfler and I have just had a very satisfactory test of the new ‘Brummers’.  That will show those damned fellows of Imperial Fenwick!'

‘Indeed, yes, sire.  I’m no gunner but these should make short work of the fortifications in Fenwick!  The damned Imperials had better have a care or their walls will come tumbling down!’  Von Rumpfler replies gruffly.

‘I am indeed glad to see you, Faltaire’, continues the Burggrave.  ‘As you know, your ‘game of war’ has proved highly efficacious.  Von Rumpfler was able to perfect his oblique manoeuvres while playing your ‘game’ and then replicate it on the actual battlefield.  Capital!  What’s more, the continued duelling between officers of the different persuasions of gaming - the two footers and the half-inchers - has resulted in many promotions for keen young officers and a vastly reduced number of supernumerary officers in the army!  The Burggravial Treasury might even record a surplus this year!  I knew, I simply knew that retaining a natural philosopher would pay dividends.  And so, may I ask how your researches into the de-phlogistication of gunpowder are proceeding?’ questions Burggrave Falco.

‘Ah, ahem, well, my dear Burggrave, I have found it very difficult to make progress even though the theory is most promising’, explains Faltaire.  ‘I have found that every time I attempt to ‘burn’ the gunpowder prior to combustion, I find that it simply explodes.  I have tried everything I can:  I have used a vacuum; I have placed the gunpowder under water; I have even attempted to burn the constituent parts of gunpowder before mixing them but I have been unable to find a satisfactory method.  There seems to be no reliable method of de-phlogistication, unfortunately’…. Faltaire’s voice tails off rather uncertainly…but then he returns to a new theme with enthusiasm:
‘However, I have recently become interested in the new science of homeopathy which offers a different root to the same goal.  I have found Dr Hahnemann’s new researches and doctrines fascinating.  His key finding is that ‘like cures like’, or, as Paracelsus put it: ‘what makes a man ill also cures him’.  Hahnemann’s research would suggest that an extreme dilution of an active ingredient can maintain or even enhance the ‘spirit-like medicinal powers of the crude substance’.  My deduction is that if this is true in the field of medicine, with ingredients that can be dissolved in water, why the same should be true of gunpowder when ‘dissolved’ in another medium.  Dr Hahnemann claims that he can cure any ill when the active ingredient is dissolved ten thousand fold – think of the power that could be released by homeopathic gunpowder!!’, ends Faltaire excitedly…

‘Hmm, well yes, indeed, Faltaire, that does sound promising but can such a thing work?’ enquires the Burrgrave (not having followed his natural philospher’s logic at all).
Faltaire responds: ‘With your permission sire, I propose to attempt my first experiment with homeopathic gunpowder this very morning under your supervision…’
‘Why, yes of course, my dear fellow, do you have everything you need?’  The Burggrave replies eagerly.
'Indeed, yes' replies Faltaire. 'I believe that I do. Come with me, sire, and watch as I push forward the frontiers of military science!'

A Nabstrian Test Firing!

And so, Mittelheim shifts, like a fat Christmas drunk sliding from chair to floor, into another new year.  Over the past few weeks, the gentle folk of Mittleheim have been celebrating the festivities according to their respective traditions. In Saukopf-Bachscuttel, Christmas mostly was spent larding the traditional festive monkeys; then trying to catch them; and then queuing to have the bites treated with leeches. In Nabstria, the rich as usual took fine cooked geese, had them dressed and decorated, and then took them outside to the poor and the homeless, before bringing all the food in again and eating it. In Vulgaria, it was much the same, except it was the poor and homeless that tended to be dressed and decorated before being fed to the Christmas geese. The gentle folk of the various  electorates, burgravates, landgravates, duchies, and principalities of the region now climb blearily from their beds (or wardrobes, depending upon how seriously that they have been celebrating), and contemplate the traditional Christmas present delivered to them by their rulers: another year of war. In Nabstria, the Burgrave, a sensitive man with a keen sense of responsibility for his subjects, has contemplated long and hard the most effective response that he can make to the continuing poverty and suffering of his people. His conclusion is that the only responsible answer to the continued distress of his subjects is to fire off some really big guns ...

Tired from a long campaigning season and an unprecedented run of victories, Buggrave Falco and General von Rumpfler snatch a few days of well deserved rest at Falkensteinburg.  Yet even while on leave from the battle front, the Burggrave has much to do to prepare his forces… Pippin fort must be besieged and taken in the least amount of time. Long held Nabstrian plans are finally beginning to bear fruit, as the Burggrave and von Rumpfler survey the fine artillery park of newly cast siege guns made in the foundries of the noted Nabstrian gun-founder, Herr Frupp (It has been suggested that ‘Frupp’ is a mere cover name for ‘Minden Miniatures’, a small artisanal purveyor of finely crafted military figurines, based in Gelderland; but this can be discounted as Rotenburg propaganda).[1]

'As fine an artillery park as I have ever seen!' the Burggrave exclaims.

'Yes, Herr Frupp has excelled himself this time,' agrees von Rumpfler.  ‘These are all twelve pounder "Brummers" of Prussian pattern.  They should be highly efficient at siege battery work.’  

‘Well, then we must have a test firing of one of these pieces tomorrow morning!’ replies the Burggrave.  So it is agreed: early on the morn, the new gun will be put through its paces …

The Following Morning:

As the Burggrave and General Von Rumpfler look on, a hand-picked gun team go through their well-practised military evolutions…

 Make Ready!  Aim!

 Fire!  The Gun Captain steps forwards with his linstock to touch off the powder and fire the gun…

There is a satisfyingly large report as the ‘Brummer’ fires its large charge of gunpowder… The test is declared a resounding success!

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[1] Fitzbuttress is, of course, entirely mistaken here.  These fine guns are indeed from Minden Miniatures, proprietor Mr Jim Purky.  They are surely the finest artillery models available today.