A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Cathedral, the Sixth!

In the cathedral itself, Bishop Baldwin is deep in conversation with the captain detailed, along with a musketeer, to keep a close eye on him. The bishop, no doubt, is impressing upon his captor some apposite biblical tale of  sacrifice and redemption.

'Anyway', says the bishop, 'then I said to her, "I'll wager you haven't seen a mitre this size for quite some time - perhaps you'd like to put your hands on it!"'

The captain guffaws. 'Ah Bishop Baldwin: if I had known that service in the church were so entertaining, I might have agreed myself to join the clergy rather than forcing my younger brother'.

'Alas, my son' replies Baldwin, 'I fear that your regalia might be of insufficient size!'

'A ha ha ha', chuckles the officer. 'But, just to be clear, I think that my regalia would be quite sufficient. My staff, though not quite as curly at the end as yours, and not so covered in precious gems, has often been the wonder of many a fair maid'.

The bishop looks confused. 'Are we talking about the same thing? I'm not sure that we are'.

There is a sudden commotion at the doorway further down the cathedral. There are loud voices, and calls for the bishop.

Baldwin snorts. 'Oh, for pity's sake! It's the Spanish Inquisition again, ruining my life!'

'But - surely no one expects the Spanish Inquisition!' says the captain, in horrified tones.

'Well I bloody do!' says Baldwin. 'They're never out of here! Always barging in and ruining my life, giving it the "Fear and surprise are our greatest weapons!", and "Do this for us or we'll reveal all the details of your sordid carnal escapades"'.

'Carnal escapades?' asks the captain with interest. 'Did they involve your mitre again?'

The bishop scowls. 'Well, less "escapades" and more "encounters" really'.

'What's the difference?'

'There's less evidence to prove the latter'.

Unknown to the bishop and his guards, however, it is not the Spanish Inquisition. Instead, hurrying through the door, it is colonel Ziegler and his jager, ready for combat!

'Forward Frau!' cries Ziegler, 'we're right behind you!'

'Death before dishonour!' shouts another jager.

'Leave none alive!' cries another.

'Kill! Kill! Kill!' say several of them.

Ziegler then halts. 'Actually, let's just wait here a bit and let Frau Karlotte go on ahead'.

Karlotte sighs.

(Below) The Frau saunters forwards and encounters Friar Knowledge and Friar Conviction. The two fellows are as relaxed and engaging as one might expect of any Catholic clergy in the presence of the fairer sex. 

Friar Conviction gibbers. 'A woman! In the cathedral! She's got her elbows exposed; and look - her big milk bucket is just hanging there, swinging, backwards and forwards, where everyone can see it! Just swinging there! It is an abomination!'

'Yes', says Friar Knowledge, ogling Karlotte's ample charms, 'but, you know, I'm willing to get used to it. Or at least to try really hard. You know, in the spirit of Christian charity'.

 'Avaunt, Jezebel!' cries Friar Conviction, using his usual chat-up line with women. 'No well-shaped elbows or curvaciously capacious milk receptical will divert me from my purpose!'

'That's a nice suit of armour', says the Frau, appreciatively, pointing at Friar Conviction's bodily protection. 'Lovely workmanship'.

'Really?', says the Friar, looking down. 'Thank you. But your compliments cannot stop me from flattening your bonce with my instrument of correction!'

'I hope you are referring to your hammer', says Karlotte. 'But, nice armour though it is, next time ...', the bucket flies forward and Friar Conviction doubles up in agony ' ... you should buy some that reaches further down'.

'Gnnn!' says the friar in probable agreement.

Karlotte then looks meaningfully at Friar Knowledge. 'Out of my way baldy. I have serious work to do and no time to waste on flattening a weakling academic!'

'I am bound to die in the service of the bishop!' cries the friar. 'But, to be fair, my oath isn't specific on the exact timing: so, crack on, and I'll just wait here'.

'A wise choice', says the Frau, rushing forwards ...

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Cathedral, the Fifth!

The raiding party now regroups in the little wood near the cathedral itself. To their right are two more enemy sentries. Luckily, this pair of Gelderlanders continue to exhibit the levels of alertness and initiative that Ziegler has come to expect from the enemy. Both are facing in the wrong direction and, in all likelihood, have their eyes shut and their minds on other things: what things is probably a subject best left unexplored; but it probably involves activities where clothing is optional and Christian decency an unwelcome irrelevance.

Ziegler considers his next move. There is an entrance to the cathedral a little way to his front. It is probably guarded.
'What shall we do now, sir?' asks Stumpe.
Ziegler snorts. 'We are elite soldiers, captain. The very best in Mittelheim. I think that, given the dangers involved in the next step of this operation, and the resolve, aggression, and cunning that comes naturally to a Nabstrian light infantrymen, our plan of action is obvious'.
Stumpe nods. 'We send the milkmaid'.
'Exactly'.

There is a heavy female sigh. Hefting her pail, Karlotte, heads towards the entrance to the cathedral.

Karlotte knocks on the solid oaken door.

The door opens, and light floods out into the night.

'Who goes there!' growls the guard, suspiciously.

'Hello. I'm just knocking on doors and seeing if you have any cows that need milking'.
The soldier frowns. 'A random milkmaid, in the dead of night, in the midst of a siege?'
'Yes'.

'Seems reasonable'. He leans forward. 'That's a big old bucket'.

'Yes, Put your head inside and see'.

'Seems reasonable'. He bends over. 'Crikey, that's big', he says hollowly.

'Yes', says Karlotte. 'See how much it weighs'. 

There is a bonk, and the sentry falls to the ground.

'I don't know where they train Gelderland sentries', says Karlotte, shrugging. 'But they need to ask for their money back. All of it'.

'Go, go, go!' hisses Ziegler.

The door to the cathedral is open! Success is surely only a short kidnapping away!

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Cathedral, the Fourth!

Meanwhile, Karlotte's situation begins to resolve itself. Her guard stands, nervously, clutching a milk pail, whilst the dangerous Frau idly handles his weapon. As it were.

'You wouldn't shoot a man with his own musket would you?' the guard asks hopefully.
'Oh no', says Karlotte. 'Of course I wouldn't shoot a man with his own musket. But I might kick him in his goolies, hit him over the head with his musket, and then give him 20 schillings'.
'Hmm', muses the sentry philosophically. 'That would feel a lot like being married. Except for the money, of course'.

'On that note', continues Karlotte, 'I have an apology to make'.
'Oh really', says the guard, 'why?'

Karlotte's leg flashes out - there is a squelch, a high whine from the sentry, and then a thwack as she hits him over the head with the musket. The fellow crumples.
'Yes, sorry', says Karlotte sadly. 'I was lying about the money'.
She throws the musket onto the supine form of the sentry, picks up her bucket, and heads back to the wood.

In the patch of wood, horn in hand, corporal Schulz creeps up on the other Gelderland sentry. He pauses momentarily, conflicted. The jager in him wants to slit the fellows throat, rifle through his pockets, and steal his hat; the musician in him wishes to provide some tense incidental music, a dramatic action-oriented flourish, and then sombre music suitable for a moving death scene; whilst the Nabstrian in him wants to scream unmanfully and run off. In the event, he compromises: with an unmanly scream, he brains the sentry successfully with his musical instrument.

The rest of the jager are still back in the first copse, waiting to advance. Suddenly, they hear a strange gurgle emanate from the copse ahead of them.

'Was that an owl?' asks captain Hugo Von Stumpe.

'No sir', says sergeant Rabin Steiner. 'Perhaps it was some other kind of bird?'
'A swallow, perhaps?' says corporal Ulfric Sander, speculatively.
'Do swallows make that sort of sound', asks Steiner.

'European or African?' replies Sander.

'I don't know', says the sergeant. 'Are there any coconuts lying around?' 
At this very point in time, the other sentries (above) have both turned to their right, meaning the rest of the jager are now firmly out of their line of vision.
'Go, go, go!' whispers the captain hoarsely.

Scurrying forwards, they make their way across the open ground, heading towards colonel Ziegler.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Cathedral, The Third!

As Karlotte is led off, things look grim for the jagers. Time marches on and, in the surrounding night, there comes the giggling, laughter, and slurping sounds of Gelderland soldiers hard at the task of discrete sentrying - they seem to be everywhere. But there's nothing for it - Ziegler's force is committed and must see things through. Trusting to Karlotte's skills at persuasion and inventive violence, the colonel waits for his chance to advance with the remainder of his force. 

(Above) To the front, the remaining guard now looks to his left. Perhaps now is the opportunity!  Taking a risk, the colonel and Gefreiter Schultz prepare to rush forwards.
'Do you absolutely need to bring a musical instrument on this mission, corporal?'
'Sir, you would be surprised at how useful a horn is on secret missions'.
'Yes', says Ziegler. 'I would indeed be very surprised'.
'This horn has got me out of many tight spots, sir'.
'Wouldn't most spots be tight if you were lugging around that horn? I wouldn't like to share a coach with you'.
Just as the two are about to sprint into the dark, however, Lady Luck waggles her finger at them. There is another pair of guards nearby. (Below) These turn and are now both peering into the gloom in front of them and directly across Ziegler and Schultz's line of advance.

'Dammit!', expectorates the colonel. 'Come on, Schultz! We're going anyway!'

The two hurry forwards.

One of the Gelderland sentries turns to the other. 'I think I saw something'.

'You seem unsure', says the other.
'Well, it seemed to be carrying a sort of trumpet'.
'It was probably a badger'.
'Are they very musical?'
'Don't be ridiculous: badgers can't play trumpets'.
'So, it probably wasn't a badger, then?'
'Or, it wasn't a trumpet. It could have been a piccolo'.
'Badgers can play piccolos?'
'No, of course they can't. But he could have been carrying a piccolo'.
'Why would a badger carry a piccolo if he can't play it?'
'He could have been holding it. For an otter'.
'I ... uh, no: I don't think that there was an otter'.
'Let me look'.
'It's gone now - there's nothing there'.
'Very stealthy, otters'.
'It could have been a weasel, I suppose'.
'Was he carrying a violin?'
'No'.
'Then it wasn't a weasel'.



By some miracle, the two jager manage to make it across the open ground safely. Even better, the nearby sentry is still presenting his back to them.
'Well, that was a surprise, Schultz', breathes the colonel softly. 'Now, deal with that sentry'.
'Yessir. I shall use my horn to play him a melancholy song, reminding him of home, and of lost loves: disconsolate, he will cry himself into a deep slumber'.
The colonel nods. 'Or, you could hit him very hard over the head with it'.
'Yes sir', admits the corporal, 'that would be quicker. Although not musically so challenging'.

Quickly, he creeps forward ...