Gloria in Fugeret Vulgaria!

"Led by the mysterious Baron Hunchmausen, the enemy hussars began a concerted attempt to cut behind the flank of our infantry (below). Inspired also, no doubt, by the distant sight of our sheep and the floppy hopelessness of our accompanying pandurs, Hunchmausen's squadron prepared to increase their speed to a gallop, our position being everywhere vulnerable to a really good cavalry charge."

"This, of course, helped limit our vulnerability somewhat, since the chances of a really good cavalry charge being launched by any Mittelheim horsemen are somewhat lower than King Wilhelm's self-control in a room full of bosom-shaped custards. Moreover, displaying a quite remarkable element of initiative, Prince Brad ordered his infantry to about face and attack the hussars with the bayonet (below). The energy of our musketeers was matched by that of their commanding officer, Prince Brad being seen to jump vigorously up and down and shout 'Charge men! Charge to a terrible defeat and a miserable outcome!'"
Prince Dimitri waves his hand, trying to silence some duelling clarinets. 'Ah - a masterful attempt at reverse psychology, eh?'

'No,' replies Count von Loon, 'actually it was at that point rather a statement of fact. (Below, left) Alas, the hussars put up too vigorous a resistance, what with them standing and facing towards our musketeers and raising their voices slighty and waving their swords around a bit. As General Rentall's report concludes: "Our infantry were driven back onto the hill. Captain Meyer-Fleischwund was heard valiantly rallying our men, whilst Prince Brad declared despairingly: 'Ha, ha, ha, ha: you're all going to die, you flaccid Vulgarian poltroons!'"

'Flaccid?' asks Dimitri. 'That's rather insulting.'
'But also, my lord, at that stage probably another fair statement of fact. Still, the situation was rescued, by all accounts, through the intervention of Throte's Horse (above right). "Seeing the discomforture of our infantry, Captain von Throte committed his men against the enemy hussars. Having cuirasses, heavy horses, and being trained for just this sort of tussle against men in silly hats, Throte's troops rode down the enemy after a sharp and brutal action. No sign was then seen, however, of the enemy commander, the mysterious Baron Hunchmausen. At this point, Prince Brad was heard to cry triumphantly 'Useless! Useless Vulgarians! I can't even expect you to lose when you're supposed to. That's it - everyone retreat! Flee the battle! Concede the field to the enemy! Throw aside your weapons! Scream hopelessly! Place your thumbs in your mouths and waddle rearwards!' This our troops did, running so fast that it proved impossible for the enemy to catch them. And so ended the battle. Here ends my report. I remain, sir, General Hertz van Rental etc etc. P.S. please send me some more stockings."'

Loon lowers the report.
'Um.' says Dimitri, crestfallen. 'So our troops actually were defeated?'
Loon shrugs. 'Only in a physical and psychological sense, my lord. In terms of the key metric of victory in modern war, by which I mean sheep, it was a solid success.'
'Well, then,' cries the Prince. 'Hurrah to that! Send forth messages to our people! Let the world know of our triumph! And wake Lola up as well - those clarinets have given me an idea!'

xXx

In Gross Schnitzelring, Vlad IX, erstwhile Baron of Herzo-Carpathia wrinkles his brow. 'And you're sure of this news?'
Count Matthias von Sachsenblaus, Gelderland's Minister for War and Strudels, nods. 'The reports are everywhere, baron.'
'So - my son was involved in the enemy victory?'
'Yes my lord. Actually, he was in command.'
'In command?'
'Very much so, my lord. He issued orders. He was in the thick of the fighting.'
'Are you sure he wasn't just running off and that it just looked like he was in the thick of the fighting?'
'No, no, my lord: I am assured that he was a very paragon of soldierly virtue.'
'And you're sure it was him?'
'I think so, sir.'
'Because he has such bland features, it could have been anyone ... '
'No sir. He was instrumental to the Vulgarian success. He gave the decisive order for the Vulgarian army to run off.'
'Well, well. A chip off the old block.'
'Yes sir. Which is ironic, given that you named him after a tree. Of course, since he commanded the enemy forces, he lost the battle for our side.'

Vlad shrugs. 'Hmmmm, so he's a work in progress. Well, this is a new feeling.'
'That might be the prunes. Should I call for the physician again, baron?'
'No, no: I mean Sachsenblaus, that when I think of my son at this moment, I don't feel an urgent desire to have him executed - I feel only a mild and general disappointment. Could this be fatherly pride?'
'As a father myself, baron, I'd say it was possible. Though I'd still say there's also a strong chance that it's the prunes.'

Gloria in Extremis Vulgaria!

Count von Loon gestures. 'In the distance, it seems, our forces could see the movement of a squadron of enemy hussars. And of course, when hussars are present upon the battlefield, then adventure, daring exploits, and incidents of colourful livestock molestation, are sure to follow.'
'How exciting!' says Prince Dimitri. 'Did they charge upon our forces, only to be driven off after a sharp bout of heroic fighting at close quarters?'
'We shall see, my lord, as I continue reading General van Rentall's account of the action. As an aside, though,' says Loon, musing, 'I should say that that outcome would always strike me as highly unlikely. In my experience, close quarters combat in the Wars of the Gelderland Succession seems mainly to involve idle threats, a few harmless, if rude, hand gestures, and some commode-related accidents the main casualties of which are the britches of the troops involved. The combat itself generally is less dangerous to the troops than the beatings, delivered by officers, that are required to get the men to advance in the first place. But still, I digress, my Prince. Rentall's report continues thus:'

'"With our left and right flanks creditably encumbered with sheep and other livestock (the identification of which was less subject to local consensus) it became doubly important that the four companies of our infantry deployed under Prince-Bishop Brad should hold firmly the centre of our position. The likelihood of this became more doubtful when, in addition to determining the presence of enemy cavalry, our musketeers were confronted by the converged elements of the enemy's centre and left. These deployed into a long firing line and proceeded to engage our forces (below)"

"According to our intelligence the Wurstburp left, comprising of the first four companies of Infantry Regiment No.1, was under the command of Colonel Otto Ernst von Woebbling-Lippe, with his second-in command being Captain Jurgen Daun. The Wurstburp centre was made up of the three remaining companies of IR No.1, commanded by Colonel Frederic Eben von Trumpenbad, and a certain Captain Zapt. Also attached to Trumpenbad's force was a squadron of hussars commanded by a recently arrived and mysterious officer by the the name of Hieronyous Karl Friedrich, Baron von Hunchmausen. Colonel Woebbling-Lippe it would seem was a true officer of the Enlightenment. As his troops wavered under the fire of our infantry, he restored discipline by threatening to lighten his musketeers by removing from their bodies the heavy encumbrance of their heads (below)."

"With order thus restored, the Margravate's musketry began to have a telling effect upon our troops. By all accounts, Prince Brad's response to this was somewhat unconventional, him being heard to rally the troops with the comment: 'Marvellous, soon my position will collapse and a stinging defeat will be inflicted on the vile Vulgarian usurper Dimitri."'
'What?' cries Prince Dimitri.
Loon gestures placatingly. 'He probably meant some other Prince Dimitri who also by some coincidence has recently taken over the throne of a small European statelet. Anyhoo, the report continues:'

'"Our return musketry inflicted little damage. Colonel Trumpenbad's command in particular remained in good order. The looming threat to our position was that the Margravate's infantry, their cardio-vascular fitness forged historically in the heat of a great deal of long-distance running to the rear, would begin to apply this advantage through a rapid advance to the front and strike us with the bayonet."

"However, as both sides traded volleys, Colonel Trumpenbad was seen meeting with Captain Zapt (above). Evidently, the good colonel is an exemplary soldier of the Age of Reason, for, reasoning that such an advance might be a tad dangerous for an infantryman, he issued orders instead for his hussars to advance at the canter; concluding, no doubt, that whether his cavalry rode down our infantry and slaughtered them or the hussars themselves were instead cut down like fur-coated dogs, these were both outcomes likely to improve the morale of his own musketeers. Despite Baron Hunchmausen's claim that he could see no canter to advance at, the enemy hussars soon found themselves  advancing rapidly towards our position. It was then that Captain Meyer-Fleischwund reportedly noticed a slight problem with our deployment, a problem most associated with the words 'flank' and 'open.' This moment was then accompanied by Prince Brad's loud shout of 'Bravo! Our defeat is inevitable! Men, I suggest it is time for you to place down the back of your britches any spare reading material that you might have lying around - because I predict that you are about to be subject to a royal spanking! Hurrah!"

Gloria in Anates Vulgaria!

'"On our right," continues Count Arnim von Loon, reading from Van Rentall's report, "our force consisted of Vulgarian freibattalion foot commanded by Colonel Dieter Wilhelm von Offte-Ruthe. Colonel Offte-Ruthe's column comprised of  two companies of Pandur infantry and one company of Pandur skirmishers. Also attached to this force was a cavalry squadron under the command of Captain Jacobus von Throte: a squadron known as 'Throte's Horse'. Scouting ahead, these troops found a little known route that brought them into play much further up the battlefield than the enemy expected (below)."

'"At this stage, our forces had yet to encounter any of those of the enemy, a condition of battle particularly suited to the Vulgarian way of war. Colonel Offte-Ruthe ordered Throte's Horse forwards to cover the centre of the battlefield, whilst the three companies of Pandurs moved swiftly up the right flank towards a small farm. The farm itself seemed to have within its bounds either some sheep, or some very short, very old peasants, bending over. First to reach the farm were the skirmishers thanks to their agility and also the frequency with which the rest of the column seemed to halt to "do up their shoebuckles," buckles which seemed, in any locale remotely in the vicinity of the enemy, to come loose with remarkable frequency. Colonel Offte-Ruthe's second-in-command, one Captain Janke, recounted after the battle his conversation with his light troops as they first espied the contents of the farm's fields. Within it, there were some sheep, but also some other creatures that caused the light troops some puzzlement:

'What do you mean "Are those sheep?'" asked Janke, in reply to a question from a soldier. 'What do you think that they might be?'
'I think that they might be sheep, sir,' replied a Pandur. 'I mean - I'm fairly sure. I don't think that they're horses because we tried riding one and it didn't work.'
'So your definition of a sheep is anything that isn't a horse?'
'It's quite a general definition, sir, but you'd be surprised how often it's right.'
'I certainly would,' replied Janke sighing. He then asked of the soldier: 'You're not acquainted, then, with the Enlightenment and associated principles such as the application of reason?'
'Oh no, sir. I have some acquaintance with lights, obviously, though I try not have them near me when I happen to go courting. But I've certainly never tried raisins.'
'Well,' replied Janke,' and leaving aside your spurious reference to dried fruit; I have some acquaintance with reason, and one of its key principles is the application of evidence. So, if we apply this to our current situation. The first point of evidence is that sheep have four legs, whereas these creatures have two.'
'But we haven't got any currants at all,' said the Pandur, confusedly. 'But then, is that why we have to apply raisins instead?'
'What? No, no, no! Reason. We apply reason. So, if we apply it to ... this situation then the first point of evidence is that sheep have four legs, whereas these creatures only have two.'
'But,' said the Pandur. 'I have two legs.'
'Which means?'
'I'm a sheep?'
'Or ... ?'
'Or ... I'm a horse?'
'Could one of your companions ride you?'
'I wouldn't like to say, sir.'
'Very well, a second clue would be that sheep go 'baaaa,' whereas, if I'm not mistaken, these "sheep" are actually making a mysterious quacking sound. Which might mean that ....?'
'These sheep are slippery customers, sir, and know how to throw us off.'
'Or ... ?'
'Or ... these are ... are ... not sheep?'
'So, they're not sheep.'
'Notsheep? Well, I've never encountered Notsheep before.'
'But,' sighed Janke, 'I'm presuming that you've encountered ducks, no?'
'Oh yes,' replied the Pandur. 'Obviously. Everyone knows what a duck is.'
'So ... ?'
'These damnable sheep are pretending to be ducks?'
'It's close enough - take them as well,' added Janke. 'Oh,' he added, seeing a pig. 'And take that ... horse ... as well.'"

Prince Dimitri quaffs contentedly, waiting for the orchestra to cease a particularly vigorous triangle solo. 'I sense another victory in the offing!' he says delightedly.
Loon gestures placatingly. Raising his voice to cover the sound of the triangulist, who is now trying to destroy his instrument by bashing it into the ground, he continues 'We shall soon see, my lord. Let me continue with the report.'

(Above) 'Van Rentall goes on: "The farmyard related antics perpetrated by our Pandurs were interrupted by the sudden arrival of four companies of Wurstburp's Infanterie Regiment No. 1. By "sudden arrival," of course, I mean that their presence had been evident for an hour or so, but that the Pandurs' attention had been focused on watching what they regarded as the miraculous sight of sheep that paddled on water. Still, Colonel Offte-Ruthe nevertheless was able to form a skirmish line behind a nearby hedge. Using the fire from these troops, and the stern threat posed by Throte's horse, the remaining Pandurs began to retreat with their sheep. At this point, the centre column of our forces had arrived upon the battlefield."

Loon interrupts his reading of the report and shows Dimitri one of the woodcuts. 'See, sire, if you look at this woodcut (above), behind Throte's Horse and to the right, one can espy the left-most of the Vulgarian centre column, which consisted of four companies of the regiment Blasco commanded by Prince Bishop Brad von Schnail und Planck and a captain named Heinz Erich von Meyer-Fleischwund.'
The Prince wrinkles his nose. 'And no one recognised him as the actual Prince Bishop Brad von Schnail und Planck?' (Below).
'Apparently not, sir: seemingly it was assumed that he was just another Prince Bishop Brad von Schnail und Planck who, presumably, spent much of his life embroiled in socially awkward situations caused by the remarkable similarity that his name bore to the repellent, and often semi-naked at gatherings, form of Prince Brad, son of Count Ivan.'
'And also, of course,' adds Dimitri, 'the problems of looking exactly like the actual Prince Brad, as well as being, in addition, actually Prince Brad.'
'Well yes, sir. That too,' says Loon, looking searchingly at his feet. 'I suppose so. But as the report indicates. Meyer-Fleischwund did have some suspicions. As the report indicates .....'

'"Noticing the remarkable similarity that his new commander bore to Prince Bishop Brad von Schnail und Planck, the captain asked searchingly: 'Are you Prince Bishop Brad von Schnail und Planck?' to which his commander replied: 'No - I think you'll find I'm taller.' Reassured, the captain set about helping Prince Brad deploy the troops at their disposal. With the arrival of the Wurstburp regular infantry, it seemed expedient to lay out our troops in a blocking position on a low hill. This was soon completed, Prince Brad apparently commenting: 'Excellent! And now, at the opportune moment, I shall order these Vulgarian troops to run away, thus handing victory to Wurstburp.' The captain thought that this was an odd thing to say, but, his eyes streaming from a dose of snuff, it was some time before he was in a position to interrogate the Prince with a perceptive 'Um, that's an odd thing to say.' The Prince, apparently, replied: 'Just joking,' and also 'You know that's not snuff, right? Those are raisins.' At this point, with the enemy beginning gently to probe the front of our position, and the captain probing deeply into his nose for dried fruit, there came from the left of the enemy line the sound of galloping horses "'
'Hmmm,' says Dimitri. 'That's never good ....'