Falkenhelle, the Fifth!

No one! Alas, the only thing that gets worn down is Barry-Eylund's temper. The irregulars fail to inflict a single casualty on the gurning Fenwickian conscripts. A hail of green dice, which are definitely not dodgy, drives back the Bachscuttel light troops, who stumble rearwards to the sniggering of nearby squirrels.

This does leave the light troops in a position for a desperate assault upon the flanks of the enemy line infantry. This threat forces the Fenwickian line to bend slightly (above), but their kink is slight, unlike their commander's, it has to be said. The only positive development for the Bachscuttlers is that, thanks to an unspecified development that probably involves a wrong address on some orders, important intelligence has been obtained from the enemy, and it seems quite likely that, at some stage in the fight, one of the Fenwickian units, in the heat of battle, will probably charge impetuously at an unprofitable target.

(Above, bottom) Still subject to some humiliatingly effective fire from the enemy conscripts, the Bachscuttelers, living up to their name, scuttle backwards again. After an entire morning's fight, the sum total of Barry-Eylund's plan is that his light troops are a pub-stumble forwards from where they began, and the damage inflicted on his adversaries is that four squirrels have laughed so much that they have pulled something.

Worse is to come. His infantry line advances. Or, rather, struck by confusion, one of his infantry units advances (above): through his first line, that is and out into no man's land where it is very much in range of the enemy infantry.

'XXXXing XXX!', roars Barry-Eylund, swearing like a Mittelheim nun. 'XXXX your XXX with a wooden XXXX!' he continues.

There's nothing for it. All of Barry-Eylund's irregular antics have delivered nothing more than to waste a sizeable amount of time. In the end, the general has to go with Plan B: which is Plan 'Hey Diddle Diddle, Up The Middle'. The Bachscuttel musketeers advance straight forward into a sheep-free kill zone (above), and the muskets of both sides level ...

Falkenhelle, the Fourth!

General Redmond Barry-Eylund has, as many would attest, a range of acknowledged faults. He is, for example, a cheating, lying bastard; though, to be fair, he does always remember his mother's birthday. One thing that he couldn't be accused of, though, is a failure to analyse his options: indeed, there are few commanders out there more able to put the word 'anal' into analysis

The general has considered three options. Option one: a cavalry attack on his right. Alas, given the angles, the Fenwickian artillery, with their artillery academy training, would have an opportunity to drill his advancing horse with more holes than a Swiss cheese. Of course, a Swiss cheese would actually ride a horse better than his cavalry. But dairy produce is unlikely to fare well in close-quarters combat. Option two: march his infantry forwards straight away, and trust to the effectiveness of his troops' musketry. Alas, the Fenwickians have lethal volleys, and so the Bachscuttelers would be at a disadvantage, helped by the Fenwickian's 'special green dice'. These green dice are definitely not dodgy. Option three: advance his light troops into the woods to their front, turn the enemy flank and then advance his infantry.

The general plumps for option three. Unfortunately, this means that the first Bachscuttel orders are sent to the irregulars. No battle that begins with an advance by irregulars is likely to engender much faith in the eventual outcome.

The irregulars advance (above), encountering a flock of sheep. If it were possible for Barry-Eylund to catch the sheep and put them in uniform, he would certainly sack his irregulars and use the farmyard animals instead. (Below) Marshal Cavandish can be seen checking the rules of war: a useful activity when Barry-Eylund is around, since the latter tends to view rules like a pirate code: more a set of guidelines around which to structure the drinking of rum.

(Above) The irregulars continue to advance towards the woods. With his line becoming stretched, much like the necks of his light troops if they don't do what they're told, his main body also advances towards the enemy in order to head off some potential command and control problems. Barry-Eylund also hopes that this will increase the moral pressure on his enemy, fixing them in place - although nailing their feet to the floor would probably be a surer bet.

(Above) The Bachscuttel irregulars head into the woods. To the top left, a third line, second-rate, Fenwickian unit is detailed to begin the time-consuming task of wheeling to meet the threat. This more or less sums up the first portion of the battle. A lot of careful manoeuvre - or arsing around, depending upon one's perspective - then ensues in which Barry-Eylund seeks a manoeuvre advantage and Marshal Cavandish seeks a better sleeping position. Time bleeds away.

(Above) Finally, Barry-Eylund has his irregulars where he wants them: or almost where he wants them, since the best place for them would probably be in a bath. Deployed in the woods, the irregulars are no worse than their conscript adversaries, and there are twice as many of them. It's time for the irregulars to do what irregulars do. Well, not the main thing that they do, because then they would have to go back to prison. But the other thing that they do, which is to dart elusively amongst the foliage, skirmishing vigorously and wearing the enemy down. Then, they can wheel, and before you can say 'irregulars all over your flanks' there will be irregulars all over the Fenwickian flanks!

Irregulars making a useful contribution to the battlefield? Who'd have thought it!

Falkenhelle, the Third!

The forces of the Palatinate of Bachscuttel begin to deploy. In Bachscuttel military doctrine, though, 'deploy' is very much a synonym for 'shuffle', 'mill about', or 'self abuse', so that the movement of General Barry Eylund's troops might make a European military professional wince, and any adversary think that it was probably likely to be their lucky day. The general herds his unwilling troops into some semblance of a line, according to the plan that he has concocted.

The Bachscuttlers have come off worst in the preliminary scouting. Thus, Barry-Eylund finds himself the attacker. Attacking is an unfamiliar and very unwelcome mode of action for the Palatinate's generalissimo. The general, widely known as Der Turtlekoenig, is a commander who much prefers the comforting embrace of defensive terrain. Indeed, his main quality as an officer is his ability to bend the laws of physics, and also quite a lot of the actual rules, to shove his whole army into the tiniest space available, and then tit about there until the game ends.

Barry-Eylund deploys all of his infantry, nine regiments (including one of mercenaries) on his left flank. Just to the front, one can see on this woodcut (above) a hill. The general has chosen a battlefield with a hill right in the middle: thus, whichever side of the battlefield that the enemy deploys their artillery, the guns will find their arc of fire blocked in any attempt to fire upon the other. This is just the sort of tedious bed wettery that makes Barry-Eylund so unpopular. On the far left (above, left) the general places both regiments of his irregulars. If Barry-Eylund's plan involves using those troops, then the Palatinate has probably already lost the battle.

(Above) On the far right, Barry-Eylund arrays his three regiments of cavalry. It's best just to keep them out of the way, where they can't be fired upon by the enemy artillery and where they can't get themselves into any trouble. Positioned here, it's clear that the general intends that these troops should protect the flanks of his infantry. Or at least, that they should plausibly look like that's what they are doing. Doctrinally, in the Palatinate's military thinking, cavalry is really just a way of keeping the most dangerously inbred of its military elite out of situations that might stretch their capabilities, which is really any situation that doesn't emphasise dribbling or molesting geese.

Finally, Barry-Eylund places his three batteries of artillery in a position linking his infantry to his cavalry. The guns are dug in, meaning that they are unlikely to move. But that's fine, because moving artillery would impede their ability to do what they do best, which is not firing.

With his forces deployed, Barry-Eylund commences his attack! It can't be a propitious situation when the first element of his army to move is his irregulars ....

Falkenhelle, the Second!

The Fenwickian army marches smartly into position according to the dispositions outlined in Marshal Cavandish's orders.'Smartly', though, in Mittelheim is mostly a synonym for 'slovenly'; and also 'blubbery'. The Fenwickian deployment therefore is smart relative to the usual Mittelheim standard; a standard that would make the word 'slovenly' feel poorly dressed and badly postured. As the troops file to their appointed places, they move like a collection of orangutans with back problems and a bad case of piles. 

To the left of Falkenhelle, Cavandish deploys all four batteries of his artillery (above). These fellows are trained in Fenwick's Artillery Academy and so are worthy of rather more respect than your average Mittelheim fire support. Dug in behind bastions and positioned behind a marsh, these troops are well protected against any saucy attempts to ride them down. Much will be expected of them in the coming encounter, though no one could tell them this, since the use of the word 'coming' in Fenwick would earn one ten years' hard labour; and then another five years for using the word 'hard'.

(Below) On the far left, the Fenwickian cavalry are deployed. One regiment of elite are on the right, and a regiment of conscripts are behind. Positioned here, the cavalry are ready to do what Mittelheim cavalry are best prepared for: to smoke some cigars and make jokes about poor people. 

In command of the cavalry is Theodore Creasey, who has a preternatural mastery over vegetation. Troops under his command can move unimpeded through difficult terrain. As a superpower, it's perhaps not quite up there with being proof against bullets or being able to fly; and also, he seems to smell strangely of hemp. But this is Mittelheim, and one has to take what one can get. Deployed in the open, and with quite a lot of openness to their front, it's not quite clear how Creasey will be able to apply his unique talents. But who can tell what dangerous vegetables might be thrown their way in the ensuing battle?

To the right of the village, the whole of the Fenwickian infantry is deployed in three lines (above). At the back are two regiments of conscripts. The remainder of the troops are trained. For some reason not unrelated to the choices of Cavandish's adversary, General Redmond Barry-Eylund, there is a ploughed field inconveniently positioned amongst the Fenwickian troops. No doubt this feature will be completely irrelevant in the unfolding encounter.

(Above) The army of the Empire of All the Fenwicks is now fully deployed. There is a commotion in the distance. It could be a travelling freak show; or, perhaps, a herd of Welshmen grazing upon leeks. But no - by the terrible smell and the strange profusion of body hair, it is clear that the army of the Palatinate of Bachscuttel has arrived!  

Falkenhelle, the First!

Wherein the army of the Palatinate of Saukopf-Bachscuttel, under General Redmond Barry-Eylund, encounters the forces of the Empire of All the Fenwicks, commanded by Marshal Ignacio Grace-a-Dieu Cavandish.

We return, dear readers, to encounters upon the open field of war: an activity altogether more suited to the soldiers of Mittelheim than sieges, since the former requires less of the tedious study, inky small-mindedness, and ridiculous attention to detail that in Mittelheim is known as pedantry and that in the rest of Europe is known as military professionalism. On the battlefield, one is free to express oneself more fully, and also, of course, to run off more quickly in the confusion.

Here, we find ourselves upon the eaves of the forest of Pupsforst, near the small hamlet of Falkenhelle. The hamlet itself is now full to bursting, overrun by the troops of Fenwick.

(Above) The tiny village consists mainly of what the original estate agent portrayed as 'a perfect family home, built in the rustic style, with interesting period features. The annex is suitable for keeping pigs'. Alas for the purchasers, the annex turned out to be the house; and whilst the animal pen did indeed have some excellent period features, the period in question was some considerable time before the birth of Christ. Most of the inhabitants tired of residing in dwellings with roofs that look like lawns, whose main modcon was hot and cold running slugs, and where the heating was provided by flatulent farm animals. Thus, the villagers are not entirely unhappy at the presence of the Fenwickian army. There is some hope amongst the populace that the unruly troops will engage in some home improvements by burning the place down. 

Marshal Cavandish is deep in conversation with his aide de camp, Captain Fabius Nitzwitz (below). An enemy army is nearby - the troops of the Palatinate of Bachscuttel - and a battle is in the offing.  Cavandish has a reputation as a man keen to conserve his energy, an attribute that explains the main feature of his headquarters (a large bed), and his attire (a nightshirt and nightcap). Spending much of his time asleep does not seem to have materially affected his quality as a commander, and his army has performed exceptionally well in the recent wars. Indeed, they are known widely as the Spartans of Mittelheim. Spending time asleep and not actually giving orders also allows the marshal to reduce the stress involved in commanding Fenwickian troops, not least because it increases the chances of avoiding any double entendre.

The problems caused by the Fenwickian sensitivity to double entendre have already been commented upon in this august* publication. Its military ramifications have been profound. Nowhere in Fenwickian doctrine, for example, does it allow troops to penetrate, drill, mount, or insert. Fenwickian units cannot be ordered to undertake an early withdrawal, or a full frontal assault, or go in hard, or inspect their weapons. Nor can one include in any orders issued to the troops words such as jam, wobbly, pair, dangly, or wibble. Luckily for their monarch, King George, however, this does not seem to have impeded their military effectiveness on the battlefield. Even if Cavandish has largely been reduced to issuing orders in picture form, and many of those seem to be crude pictures of his genitals (or generals - it's possible he was misheard), his army is really very effective.

Now, crayon in hand, the marshal is drawing his orders and deploying his troops for battle! 

* Or October, depending upon when you are reading this.

Corpse d'Armee!

In Pogelswood, capital of the Empire Of All The Fenwicks, King and Emperor George XIII waits in a rather shabby anteroom of his palace. With him is Johan von Schmeligbad, Minister of Toast, Breakfast-Related Bakery Products and War. Schmeligbad's costume is rather finer than normal, on account of him being newly made a bishop.

'Excellent, Schmeligbad', says the King, 'You look just the ticket. Have you been doing your homework as I ordered: boning up on all things religious?'

'That, sire, ... would be an ecumenical matter', replies the bishop slowly.
'Superb!' says the king. 'We'll soon have everything in place finally for my coronation and formal recognition as King of Gelderland! And yet, I feel a sense of disappointment, Bishop. A feeling that can only presage a meeting with my son'.

There is a knock at the door. It is indeed Prince Joachim, who enters and bows low. 'Father, you wished to see me'.
'No, but I felt that I had to, however ... there is something different about you, Joachim. Looking at you, I somehow feel less annoyed and exasperated. I can't quite put my finger on it'.
'Exactly, father', says Joachim ruefully. 'Because there's nothing for anyone to put their fingers on. My codpiece has vanished!' Joachim has long been infamous for his choice of alarming anatomical accoutrements.
'Exactly that!' cries the King with pleasure. 'Your dismal doom-winkie has disappeared!'

Joachim sighs unhappily.

'Son, is this a sign that you are growing up? That you are maturing? That you might yet make a contribution to this family beyond that of  terrifying the clergy?'

'Not this clergy!' says the bishop, making the sign of the cross.
'No, father', says the prince. 'No. This state of affairs has arisen because of the application once again of Ape Interpretation'.
The King shrugs. 'All of the other monarchs have been doing it? Surely I, as prospective ruler of all of Mittelheim, should be expected to embrace the monkey magic that is AI'.
'It's stolen my codpiece, father. It has pinched my princely protruberance'.
'But no, not so!' interjects the bishop. 'I can still see it, God protect me'; he once again makes the sign of the cross.
'No', says Joachim, sadly. 'Look more closely, and you will spy that those chimp chumps seem to have confused my royally rigid retainer with the corpse of a dead man lying in the corner of the room'.

King George turns and peers across the room. He nods. 'How extraordinary! Well, now that's not good. Do we know who he is?'
Joachim shrugs. 'I mean, I suppose, in a sense, he could be construed as the human personification of my codpiece?'
George turns to the bishop. 'Is that theologically, philosophically, or indeed actually, possible?'
The bishop huffs and blows for a while. 'That ... would be an ecumenical matter', he replies eventually.
'Yes, well, I suppose it might be', admits the king. 'But why is he dead?'
'I might surmise, sire', replies the bishop, 'that he found out that he was the personification of your son's genital jewellery. I cannot imagine that for anyone that would be a rewarding discovery. I would seem to be, I wager, a most perverse form of penal servitude'.

'In any case', continues George. 'Let us take advantage of the absence of your cursed crotch-rod, and talk of important affairs of state'.

'I feel strangely unbalanced' says the prince absently, wiggling his hips. 'My weight distribution is all out'.
But at least everything else is all in', replies his father testily. 'Everything is inside your brotches as God intended'.

'Amen', adds the bishop.

A sudden groan emanates from the supine form upon the floor.

'He is alive!' cries the bishop. 'A miracle!'

'A miracle I didn't kill myself tripping up on this, sir!' says the fellow, standing. He has in his hand something that is either Joachim's codpiece, or a pervy pirate's peg-leg. 'I come with a message from Marshal Cavandish's army!'

 

Pie Another Day!

Chamberlain Fecklenburg is attending Rupprecht at his breakfast. The prince seems to be about to consume an enormous pie sufficient to feed a family of twenty.

'Are you on a diet, my lord?' enquires the chamberlain.

'Indeed, Fecklenburg', replies Rupprecht. 'Indeed, I am. I have concluded that, since I as yet have no issue, I should be more careful with my health: at least until the succession is assured by an heir'.

'A wise, if surprising, conclusion, sire'.

The prince gestures to himself. 'My body is a temple, chamberlain'.

Fecklenburg nods. 'Then can I commend you, sire, on your very extensive outbuildings; and also the troop of monkeys that might well live in your belly-button. But you do not seem to be consuming your pie, my lord'.

Rupprecht nods, gloomily. 'I have a pie, Fecklenburg; but I don't appear to have a table to put it on. You couldn't come here and bend over could you?'

'Sire', says the chamberlain, shocked. 'Such a thing is surely beneath your chamberlain!'

'No: I think it would be above you, chamberlain, on your back'. He nods at the pie. 'Come now - you would not deny your prince?'

'My lord, there are important matters of state that need to be discussed!'

'But my breakfast is cooling rapidly! I like my pies like I like my women, Fecklenburg - hot!'

'And covered in gravy, sire?'

'No!' says the prince. He pauses. 'Not generally, at least'.

'My lord, if you might put aside your repast for a moment! Our Nabstrian allies have been defeated in their attempt to storm one of the Kurlandian border fortresses. This means that the Grand Duchess Catherine's army can remain in the field against us'.

'Which field? If it's a field far away from us, then we can just leave them there while we stay in the palace here. Unless it's a field with pigs in. Then, obviously, our state must annexe it!'

'My lord, it is a figure of speech - I mean that they are still actively campaigning against us'.

'But why? What have I ever done to annoy my neighbours, Fecklenburg? I am a gentle and placid man, who desires only to feel the gentle caress of peace ...'

'What have we done to annoy our neighbours, sire?' says Fecklenburg slightly incredulously, as he reaches to a bookcase, removing a volume. The prince doesn't seem to be listening.

' ... to rest amidst the ample bosoms of harmony; to rub my face in them; and then, to squeeze ... ouch!' The prince snorts as a large and heavy volume is plopped into his lap.

'My lord', says the chamberlain, 'here is an account of our foreign policy over the last thirteen years: it contains some clues, I think, as to why, if we are not the most hated country in Mittelheim, that's only because some of the inhabitants haven't met us yet'.

'But I think under my stewardship that we have been very measured in our policies; reflective; judicious ...'

'You might wish to skip the analysis of the substance of our foreign policy, my lord - it constitutes one short paragraph of chapter one - a chapter which, coincidently, consists of one short paragraph - and move onto chapter two: foreign policy failures'.

'Chapter two seems to take up the whole of the rest of the book ...'

'Indeed, sire. Also, you might also want to consult some of the entries in the Index, in particular entries under 'F' such as 'Failure', 'Farce', and 'Flatulent'; also 'B', for 'Battle', 'Buffoon', and 'Blubbery'. 

'Does it mention pigs?'

'Look under 'P' for 'policy''.

'Pigs seem to be the only entry under Policy'.

Fecklenburg shrugs resignedly.

'My lord, there seems every likelihood that our army will soon be engaged in a battle! If not Kurland, then, in all probability, Fenwick-Gelderland!'

'The army of Fenwick-Gelderland?' says Rupprecht, sounding concerned. 'But I do vaguely remember that their army is quite good'.

'The Spartans of Mittleheim, sire. In recent years, entirely unbeaten'.

'So how will we beat them, Chamberlain? Through bold manoeuvre?' 

'Bold manoeuvre? By General Barry-Eyland? Der Turtlekoenig? It seems unlikely'.

'Perhaps he could cheat? You know how he likes to invent new rules'.

'Well, obviously, he'll cheat, sire. But perhaps he needs something else in this hour of need?'

'He could cheat ... more?'

'Well, obviously he will cheat more, sire. But perhaps something else as well?'

'Oooh - I wonder what it could be?'